Reading Reviews for Until Sunlight Comes
9 Reviews Found

Review #1, by academica Run, run, run, run (until sunlight comes)

26th October 2012:
Hi there! I'm here for the TGS Review Exchange!

So I think this is a really neat concept for a story! I find that a lot of Remus/OCs start with the girl getting to know Remus, falling in love with him, and feeling shocked when his secret is finally revealed. But this one kind of went the other way, in terms of Esther starting out with the wolf and then having to reconcile it with her love for Remus. Your twist seems very creative and well-executed.

I thought Esther was a really great OC. I liked the small touch of her spirituality, because I think it emphasized her innocence and role as the victim. I also liked that she felt so tortured by the wolf, leaving her vulnerable to Remus's entry into her life. I think I would sort of characterize her as powerless, at least up until the story's end.

Remus, I have to admit, I didn't like quite as much. We don't know that much about him, honestly, and I think a lot of what stuck out to me as ill-fitting comes from my own bias (having written him). The main thing I took issue with was how forward he seemed, in terms of progressing along with Esther, stealing things from Snape, and using odd little pet names like "my beautiful schizophrenic." Based on the way he interacted with Tonks in canon, it seemed to me like he would be reluctant to let anyone in, and his smoothness reminded me more of Sirius or James, as they're popularly portrayed. You could have been trying to do something different from the norm, which I definitely don't discourage. It just wasn't quite my cup of tea.

The ending to this piece was a little confusing for me, too, though perhaps you meant it to be that way. I didn't feel that it was rushed, really, just... ambiguous. Is she turning into a werewolf? Is she actually dying? Is she simply turning over to sleep? I think I also would have liked to see more in terms of her feelings for Remus; this probably ties into my critique about the quick pace of their romance. Does she have mixed feelings besides being numb?

Finally, I noted some technical errors, probably more as a result of rushed writing than lack of skill for spelling, grammar, and punctuation. Mostly, in the middle of the story, I picked out a lot of places where words were missed, grammar was incorrect, or dialogue tags were used improperly. I think you'll be able to correct everything with another pass-through, which will help out the flow a little.

I really liked the repetition of the prose throughout this piece. It made me feel like I was inside Esther's head, with all its commotion, and created a very tangible atmosphere of danger. I also thought it was a good way to follow Esther's changing emotions as she dealt with the attack and her confusing feelings for Remus.

Overall, nicely done! I'm glad we got paired up!


Author's Response: Hello!!

I'm glad you liked Esther. She was fun to write (even though she was slightly crazy :D). I think that everyone has some form of spirituality (to whatever religion they choose) when the time calls for it.

That's a good point - I didn't really think about Remus and Tonks' relationship while I was writing this - if I ever edit this I may make some changes to his character. Thanks for the pointer!

Yeah, it was confusing, I've had a few people say that. Basically, she killed herself at the end.

Thank you for pointing them out - I may try and get a beta for this story to help me pick them out.

Thank you!
Your review is coming shortly!
Jasmine, x

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Review #2, by caoty Run, run, run, run (until sunlight comes)

6th October 2012:
Hey there, it's caoty with your requested review.

So I don't usually read Remus/OC, but then again, I don't usually read things like this, either.

I'm quite impressed by the wolf, despite how little information we get about it. (The lack's a good thing, by the way.) It feels real even though it is (apparently) not real - partway through, I'd have bet actual money that it was going to turn out to be Fenrir Greyback having stolen James' invisibility cloak or something.
What I'm saying is, your wolf is totally realistic and creepy as hell, as is Esther's reaction to it. That said, you maybe could've emphasised Esther's fear of being seen as crazy, because it just sort of popped up after I'd spent a while thinking "Why the hell can't you just TELL someone you're being stalked by a great big dirty wolf???"

I quite liked Esther/Remus here; it was hopeful but still ominous (because of the, y'know, wolf thing), and the pacing was fine.

Speaking of pace, though, I'm not sure how Sirius manages to figure out Esther's wolf problem so quickly. I mean, doesn't he need a moment to think or something? He's smart, but the only person who can make connections like that is Sherlock Holmes.

...and yeah, you're right about the ending. It was powerful and definitely well-written, but I'm not sure I quite understand the running and the humanity and so on. Is she dying of a potion overdose?

One more critique (I know, there's a lot of them, this is the last one I swear): you've got a fair few typos, so it may be worth getting someone to beta for you or proofreading or something.

...I know, this review was harsh. I don't actually hate this story! In fact, I think it's good right now and you're definitely a talented writer, but this could do with a bit of polishing and expanding to make it really amazing. :)

Author's Response: Hello!
I'd never read a Remus/OC before I wrote this either; it's a ship quite over looked with fan fiction.

Really? *few* thank you. I was worried I was going to make it too creepy or not creepy enough. She told Remus but I totally agree with you, she could have told someone. I think she was scared.

Good point. Maybe, when I go back and edit it, I'll pace it out a bit better. (pace and dialogue are my weakness with stories :P)

the running was just put in for effect and yes, she died of a potion overdose. Sorry if I didn't make that clear.

Thank you for such a constructive review :)
Jasmine, x

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Review #3, by padmoonyfoot7 Run, run, run, run (until sunlight comes)

1st October 2012:
Really damned amazing!
Great idea, and it's great the way most of it is in her mind, because people don't usually write that kind of thing.
Keep up the good work!!


Author's Response: Thank you! I was really worried that no one would like this story because (in my opinion) it was really dodgy but it's been received so well.

Thank you!
Jasmine, x

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Review #4, by RosieQueen Run, run, run, run (until sunlight comes)

25th September 2012:
It's Rosie with your requested review! :)

First off, this was a very intriguing and original piece. It really kept me interested and it gave me chills! The wolf from Esther's imagination was so creepy--I can tell why she was so freaked out by it. The mood throughout the story was also very well-done. :)

I'll start off with the dialogue critique you requested:

One thing I've noticed is that you capitalize pro-nouns after dialogue. For example, you said "She exclaimed" when it's supposed to be "she exclaimed." At first I didn't believe this when a reviewer told me about it, but look in a HP book and you'll notice that pro-nouns are not capitalized. Apart from that, your transition away from dialogue seems choppy. You're not using commas after the dialogue is over. For example in this sentence:

"Thank you," Esther whispered, hugging Remus. "Also, thank you for the Sleepless Draught, how did you get it?" She asked remembering where it came from.

^After "she asked" there should be a comma. This was a common mistake throughout the story.

I really enjoyed Esther and Remus' relationship at the beginning. How Remus was comforting her about the wolf she was seeing, (even though he was the wolf!) and how Esther trusted Remus so much. I can only imagine the shock she must have experienced after Sirius told her about Remus being a werewolf. Speaking of Sirius, he seemed very in-character; honest yet blunt. You captured Remus spot-on as well. He was so sincere and I felt as if I was reading Remus straight from the book!

The end was heart-breaking, even though I kind of predicted it when she learned about Remus being a werewolf. Yet still, I felt so sorry for Esther! The desperation was conveyed perfectly. :)

Overall, a wonderful piece. I really enjoyed this, even though I don't read Marauders era very often. Good job! :D


Author's Response: Hey!

Thank you! I'm glad you thought the wolf was "creepy" that was the whole point of the wolf.

Yay for dialogue critique!
Is it really? Woops. Thank you for pointing that out *I will now go and hide under a rock*

I think I may have just, accidentally, personified my dream guy into Remus: caring, charming, beautiful, sweet and adorable (I'm only realizing this now, that may be a problem haha)

I'm glad that you thought my characterisation was good, it's always been something that I've struggled with and I was extra worried about it in this piece because this was the first time that I wrote Remus into a story

Thank you!
Jasmine, x

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Review #5, by Viikidaviking Run, run, run, run (until sunlight comes)

25th September 2012:
Are you sure you hadn't written in a month? Are you sure you're not lying to me? Because that was really amazing! It flowed really beautifully and the use of language is astounding. It was so amazingly written that I want to steal it and take it away from you and keep it as my own u_u Not that I'm actually going to, don't panic! ...For now If youre sure this is not your best I defiantly want to read your best work! GIVE IT TO ME NOW! please write more like this and you will keep this little girl very happy :D


Author's Response: Last time I checked I hadn't written in a month :P Thank you! You can't steal my story *ninja's away with my story before you can catch it*

Thank you!
Jasmine, x

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Review #6, by Veritaserum_Girl Run, run, run, run (until sunlight comes)

25th September 2012:
Wow. Just wow. I have never read anything like this before. You say that this isn't your best work, but really, this is one of the best one-shots that I've ever read on here. It's quite thrilling and once I got into it, I just couldn't stop reading! And I love the poem/song that you incorporated into the story. I'm guessing that it's original? But, this is really, really good and I love this. I was practically breathless when I finished reading this.

Author's Response: You have no idea how much I'm smiling right now :D

Thank you! This review made my day!

Jasmine, x

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Review #7, by kjp Run, run, run, run (until sunlight comes)

19th September 2012:
Hello i'm kelsey (kjp) from the harrypotterfanfiction forums with your requested review.
I've got to say your style of writing is brilliant, I love it. It actually reminds me a little bit of Jk rowling's style and you have the ability to write in third person which most people on Hpff sometimes struggle with.
I think the stories flow went too fast for my liking and you rushed it a bit. Don't get me wrong your story is great but perhaps making it a little slower pace. You said that Remus was in love with Esther when they'd only just started a relationship which is one example of going to fast.
Your characters were great and extremely believable in my eyes. Although I think Remus would have been a little bit more nervous around Esther if he really did like her. Esther sounded like a really strong girl and I like to see that in a main character :D
Please come back for another review
- kjp

Author's Response: Hello!

Really? Thank you! JK's style?! *fan-girling insanely* Sorry, I had to take a moment to regain my mind *is still fan-girling* Thank you! I've been writing in third person for years now, I have always found it the easiest and most effective ways to write stories (I don't mind first person but if written terribly, I can't stand it!)

Slow the pace you say? Thank you for pointing that out; I'll defiantly keep that in mind when I go back and edit it :) You're the second person to say that so it's defiantly something I need to work on :P

Yes, Remus was in love with Esther but (and I forgot to mention this in the story) he had liked her for six years - basically since he met her on the train to Hogwarts in their first year. And also, Sirus said that Remus loved her he told her that he "fancied her"

Thank you! I'll defiantly be coming back for another review one day!
Jasmine, x

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Review #8, by Calypso  Run, run, run, run (until sunlight comes)

18th September 2012:
Hello, this is CalypsoJenna from the forums, here with your requested review!

That first paragraph plunges the reader straight into your story and grabs at the attention immediately which was good. I enjoyed having to figure out what was going on for myself and not have it spelled out.

Remus was ever so sweet. It made me sad to think of him ending up injuring her because we all know what a good guy he is when he's not a wolf. I wondered at the end if he really did like her or if he was just being kind to her to atone for what he'd done...

The presence of Esther's wolf was really strong throughout the story. You could completely understand why she felt so haunted by it. I'd be interested to know how real the wolf actually is- obviously he's physical enough to open up the scratches on her back, but as the story went on, I sort of wondered if it wasn't just a personification
of her fears...
That said, I would have liked to have seen the suspense built up a bit more. Maybe you could find a way of stretching out the tension a little more during the big reveals?

I liked Sirius a lot. I could just hear him saying a lot of those lines in my head- the kind of bluntness coupled with his real kindness seemed very in character.
I also enjoyed Remus and Esther's kiss and- as you put it- the lack of "butterflies and fireworks." It seemed very genuine and all the more lovely for it- and it made the ending all the more tragic.

I must admit that the ending was a real shock! It wasn't at all what I saw coming, but (re-reading) it does seem to make sense in her situation. I just wish she could have found a way to get help :'(

There were a number of grammar mistakes I picked up on too- non capitalisations, spacing issues. I'm you could pick them up fairly easily with a re-read.

And her final words to Remus were gorgeous, although very sad. They brought the piece to a lovely, natural close.


Author's Response: Hello!

I'm glad you liked the beginning. I was worried that some readers wouldn't want to figure things out and would want to be told what happened but I know that as a reader, I like trying to figure some things out for myself.

REMUS REALLY DID LIKE HER! HE DID! It's complicated because Remus really did her and he had since the moment he met her but he also wanted to atone his mistakes because of what he did which is why he got the sleepless draught and woke her from her nightmare. But he really did like her -- love her almost.

Suspense isn't really my strong point so thank you for pointing that out. I'll keep that in mind when I go back and edit and I'll also keep my eyes open for grammatical mistakes etc.

Thank you for such a lovely review!
Jasmine, x

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Review #9, by daretodream Run, run, run, run (until sunlight comes)

17th September 2012:

Oh wow, I wasn't expecting that ending! You caught me by surprise, that's for sure.

I was hoping and praying through the whole entire oneshot that it wasn't Remus who had attacked her. He would never forgive himself for that, especially if he loves Esther. I can't help but feel such sorrow for the both of them, Esther for the wolf that haunts her and Remus for knowing what he did to the girl who he cared for so much.

I liked your character of Esther in this one shot, though I can't help but wonder what she would have been like without the wolf's presence. Was she sweet? Smart? All things we don't know because they weren't the focus of this piece. You did a wonderful job of maintaining your focus.

Remus was just so thoughtful in this fic, just like he is in JKR's canon. I thought it was particularly cute when he stole the dreamless sleep potion from Snape's personal stores. He went to a lot of trouble for the girl she loved, so she could sleep peacefully after the nightmare that she endured.

But that ending, oh gosh. My brain went from horror that Esther was outside with Remus as a werewolf to worry about her reaction when Sirius told her what I had already figured out was the truth. It was only then that I got the hint of what Esther was about to do, and the sadness was the dominant emotion.

I love that the last thing she remembered was the feel of Remus' lips and the cackling of the fire.

Great job with this one shot! Keep writing!


Author's Response: Hey!

I just like breaking people's hearts. It was always going to be Remus that attacked her -- it was no secret to the readers.

Thank you! Before the attack, Esther was just a normal girl, nothing cliche'd and nothing important; just a normal girl and I think that's why the attack shook her up more than it would a normal person: because she had no persona that she had be.

I'm glad you liked the characterisation of Remus. I was really worried about that because I'd never written him before and he's always struck me as a complex character. It had to be stolen from Snivellus's supply, purely for the fact that he was Marauder.

Thank you!
Jasmine, x

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