Hi! I'm here for your requested review! :D
So i think it's interesting that you've decided to bring the Tournament back, especially since it hasn't been that many years since the last disastrous one. Some of the new rules are interesting, and i especially liked how you're doing a few different schools that we haven't really heard about. Also that the tasks themselves are going to be in each school. That's an odd twist but i think it can work.
You say that there is an age limit of 15 or safety's sake but i can't help but want to know why they've lowered to age for safety's sake. It would be great to see the motivation behind that as it'll make your story feel more real and rounded. Also, I hope i'll see their motivation to bring it back as Voldemort rising from the other is a pretty big deal and i think having another tourny may generate a bit of fear. Are you going to be dealing with this?
There were a few grammar issues that i feel getting a beta would greatly improve this story. There were things like run on sentences or just awkwardly phrased lines that i found a bit distracting. For example:
relationship a he scratch the 'a'
I could hear Emerson's hysterical walks (did you mean wails?)
There was also a couple sentences that i've copied and pasted that seemed a bit inconsistent with the rest of your story.
The Forbidden Forest is, of course, forbidden. (this wasn't inconsistent, but it reflected too much of Dumbledore's own wording when he did his own speech, there were a few other lines in Sprout's speech that seemed to be taken from Dumbledore. She is her own person, so to make her own characterization stronger, give her own words)
you had to climb seven steps. That prevented boys from getting into the girls' dorms. (how does seven steps prevent boys from getting into the girls dorm?)
“The one that you dad saw also had Voldemort, but nobody mentions that.” I pointed out. (Although i think it's interesting that you've made it seem like it's a very taboo subject, this interest is counteracted because just a few paragraphs before Sprout herself mentioned it. It just seems a bit inconsistent to me, but maybe Sprout is different and she is the only one who speaks of that. If she is, then elaborate that with later chapters.)
I noticed that when you did describe things, you would go the whole nine yards and say a lot of unneeded details. Like when you are describing her dorm. It got a little repetitive with the continuous repetition of 6. It doesn't seem to be done for stylistic sake so i'd probably say we got the point that there was six of everything after the first time. I liked that you were trying to give us readers a picture of the rooms as we haven't seen the Slytherin rooms in canon but as i'll be mentioning below, use all the sense rather than just sight to describe. I find that helpful anyway when I write.
I think you have a nice start with your main character however and she's interesting to read about. You've put in some hints of some later characterization for her which make me wonder how she got to that point and what will that mean for her later? Like it seems like she doesn't like to be alone and if she does she thinks everyone has disappeared? Scorpius and her have great interactions and they seem comfortable with each other. I'm interested to see if that will stay like that or if there will get some wear and tear over this year. You've set up questions to be answered so that is a great thing for a first chapter as you want people to wonder about where you're headed so good job with that.
I'd really like to see more description and narrative as well as it seems to lean a bit towards dialogue here. I like to imagine that i'm sitting there with the characters and as they talk i look around and notice what happens around them. Obviously, not everything you notice will be written here, but it'll help balance the story out and give a bit more for the reader to imagine. (like what are the character doing when they are talking to each other? What do they smell, hear, feel? If you include the senses the reader is going to be able to relate to your story more.)
I hope this review wasn't ubber critical or anything as i felt like it was a bit heavy laden with that. I don't want to you feel like this is a bad piece of writing or anything because it isn't. I think it's really commendable that you're trying out this idea and i wish you much luck on it! I hope you found this review helpful and if you liked it, please feel free to re-request. :PAuthor's Response: Wow this thing is huge. I love it!
So I'm not even going to bother to try to respond to all of this, since I'm half asleep and probably couldn't manage it fully awake anyway, but I'll be referencing this review a lot. Thanks so much! Report Review
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