Hey there! I'm extremely sorry that it's taken me so long to read and review this. It's entirely unacceptable and I really have no excuse except that you were the last entry on my list, which isn't really much of an excuse at all :( You just kind of got the short end of the stick...sorry!
But, anyway, on to the review! First of all, I really like your main character here. It's very easy to relate to her and to her partially in-denial and partially desperately-hoping-the-rumors-are-true thoughts. And I think the way this is written does a very good job of characterizing her - it's a little bit tangential and random and self-deprecating.
But, even though I enjoyed her randomness and tendency to go off into tangents, it was also a little frustrating at times; it makes this read more like a diary entry or a stream-of-consciousness piece than anything else. But I did enjoy her inner dialogue about how she should start being more social and then how she right away shoots that down; it was quite humorous to see her inner thoughts. I think you did a good job of painting a vivid picture of Alice in such a small amount of words.
Overall, though, this did feel a little incomplete and I would've liked to see more of a plot; I don't think it's the length of the story that matters so much as the content, and this sort of left me pondering what exactly the point of this story was. It'd be nice to read more of a conflict and maybe a resolution and some actual character interaction, if only so I could learn more about your interesting and relatable Alice. It seems almost like this is just a preview you wrote for another story, rather than a stand-alone one-shot.
Don't get me wrong: it was an intriguing preview! But I didn't feel really satisfied after I read this; I wanted to learn more about Alice and this John Taylor bloke and whether or not she's going to somehow end up with Albus just because you mentioned him. And ending with her quest to find food just seemed really...random and inconclusive. I hope none of my criticism offends you, because that is most definitely not my intention! It is of course your prerogative as a writer to write however you want and you can feel free to ignore everything I say, if you wish (:
That being said, I did like how you used the Perks of Being a Wallflower. It seemed to fit really well with Alice's character and it only increased her relatability. I think the reason I like that quote from the book so much is that it is so easy to relate to - who hasn't felt invisible at some point or another? Anyway, I wish there was more to read so that I could know if Alice did eventually realize that of course she was noticed and looked at (well...hopefully, anyway).
I didn't notice any grammar mistakes or typos while I was reading, so good work there. Also, I really liked how you started this piece - mentioning the rumors and sort of building up the reader's interest in what exactly those rumors were. I think first sentences are really important in grabbing attention and yours did that fairly well.
I can't really think of anything else to say. Overall, I enjoyed this - even if I did think it needed to be expanded on. I'm definitely curious to see what else you write about your Alice.
Anyway, thank you for entering my challenge and giving me the pleasure of reading this! I hope you enjoyed writing for it.
Cherry BearAuthor's Response: I'm actually extremely happy with this review because everything that you said was exactly what I was going for. As soon as I saw the quote that you gave me, I knew exactly what I wanted to do.
I had this idea for a story where Alice and John were characters and they have their own kind of secondary plot, and obviously I don't have that published yet, so I just kind of wanted to do a preview/spin-off thing.
So I'm actually extremely happy with your review! :D Thank you so much! Report Review
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