Hello! I'm here from the Hufflepuff review tag!
I thought this story was really good, especially because we were reading about Bellatrix, and you aren't dreading her death because of how awful she was. I think you did a good job capturing her feelings about Harry, Ginny, Hermione, and Mrs. Weasley, and also her faithfulness to Voldemort. There were a few grammar things I noticed that could easily be fixed.
"They were all fighting there hardest" should be "their hardest"
"Suddenly it wasn't the Potter boy running towards her but a women" should be "a woman"
Other than that, the pace and flow of the story was very good and I really enjoyed it. 9/10
Cassie :)Author's Response: Hey, sorry for the wait real life has been hectic!
I'm glad you liked it and thanks for the tips, I'll edit it when I get the chance! :)
Thanks for reviewing and I'm glad you liked it! :) Report Review
I’ll first get to the dislikes :D
First of all, you’ve made her sound a little bit too mild. It’s Bellatrix so it’s okay to make her sound as bad as Voldemort himself. But then again maybe that was your point, to make her tamer than she appears to be. :) If so, that could work as well. But there were some things that I found hard to believe. First of all, the fact that Bellatrix read Harry’s mind at the Manor. I don’t think that happened. She was first so focused on getting the message o the Dark Lord that “she” has caught the boy, and then she was all worked up about the sword leaving her vault. She just threw Harry and Ron into the cell and kept Hermione to herself, to get the information. Also, all the death eaters knew that Harry had an invisibility cloak. Remember when Harry and the other two right into Hogsmead, one death eater used the summoning spell on the cloak and it didn’t work, so he screamed, “No under your cloak then Potter?” So they all knew about the cloak.
Also, Harry was supposed to be dead by the time Bellatrix got to Ginny, Hermione and Luna so she would have reacted more if she really hear Harry’s thoughts, which she really didn't.
But then again, all these might just be intentional to spice up the story, I don’t know. I’m really just pointing out :D
I spotted a few typos, but they can be re-read and edited so it’s no biggie really.
There – Their
Enimies – enemies
Manour – Manor
Cloack – cloak
Then – than
A women – A woman
Time’s – Times
This women – This woman
Neve – Never
Woment – women
Tocuh – touch
Responsiable - responsible
“It was time's like this Bellatrix realished in being an accomplished at legilimency” I think it should be “It was at times like this that Bellatrix relished in being an accomplished legilimence”
I’m really sorry if I’m being a total you-know-what by pointing all these things out, but I love it when people do that to me because then it’s easier to correct my mistakes, so I think it will be easier for you as well.
None of these are really that major, because these can be corrected easily. The only thing I’m holding onto is the fact that you’ve made Bellatrix mild. But hey, that’s your choice :D
Now the goodies ;)
First of all, thank you so very much for writing Bellatrix. It’s really hard to get inside a lethal Death Eater and write her thoughts, especially when death is so near, but you’ve done a great job. I love the fact that you described the fight just as it is in the book, but in your own words. It’s very creative, thoughtful and cunning of you ;) But amazing all the same. More than that I love the fact you brought out the devotional passion she had for Voldemort. It’s something many people don’t write but you have, and I love you for that *Hugs*
Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to read this lovely piece love :) You’ve done a great job.
*Hugs*Author's Response: Hey, thanks for the review!
It's fine, I do like reviews like this cause they do improve my story a lot!
I'll bear in mind what you said when I come to edit it and I'm glad you liked it! :)
Thanks again for reviewing! :) Report Review
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