Reading Reviews for Grand Scheme
20 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Chivalrous Chapter 10

6th July 2013:
I think I kind of can see where this is going... I'm not 100% positive though haha! :)

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Review #2, by Chivalrous Chapter 9

26th June 2013:
I'M SO CONFUSED! Omg but really please update so I can keep trying to figure this out! Haha

Author's Response: Lol I'm sorry it got you confused!
The next chapter should help clear a lot of things. It should be out soon. I just put it for validation.
Thanks for the review!

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Review #3, by shewhomustnotbenamed_ Chapter 9

7th June 2013:
Seriously I cannot wait for the next chapter!! Please update soon. Brilliant story line, I really can't wait to know what happens next!! :)

Author's Response: Thank you!
The next chapter is coming out shortly. A lot of background plot is revealed in it. Hope you enjoy it!

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Review #4, by Voldy Needs a Hug Chapter 1

28th November 2012:
Wow. That was a really powerful introductory chapter. Firstly, I loved the beginning of the chapter. It was exceptionally well-written and contained quite an extensive vocabulary. It indirectly revealed quite a bit of information about the main character's early childhood, while captivating a reader's attention.

The plot was excellent. The events were not rushed, but explained in their entirety. The plot still moved along quickly, though, which definitely held my attention throughout the entire chapter. Additionally, the events flowed flawlessly from one to the next. Your transitions were perfect.

Your characterisation was spectacular. While you revealed a great deal of information about the narrator, you still left some aspects of her life a mystery. Also, her father really started to get on my nerves. How could he just ignore his daughter like that? I felt so bad for her!

Lastly, your ending was outstanding. And very powerful. And an excellent cliff hanger. Now I am unable to prevent myself from clicking Submit for my review and reading the next chapter before I self-combust from the suspense.

Fantastic job! Keep up the great writing!


Author's Response: Hahahahah thanks so much!
Glad you liked it :)
Thanks for the review :) !!

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Review #5, by javct Chapter 2

21st November 2012:
Back again.

This story has defiant potential but the grammatical mistakes and grammar are making it hard to read easily. It does not flow into a coherent structure a lot of the time and I'm finding it very hard to keep track of the time in this story.

Also, I really doubt that Scorpius would want to be called 'Scorp' and why is 'MuggleRants©' copyrighted? I don't understand.

I really recommend a beta. Grammar is a hard thing to grasp ahold of (I've been writing for six years and I still haven't mastered it) and a beta can seriously help :)

Another thing, an eleven year old calling someone Mr. Potter? Now, even the strictest parents wouldn't teach their children that, at least, I don't think they would. I was never told to call anyone by their last name until I was at least fourteen.

This is a harsh review isn't it? Sorry.
Jasmine, x

Author's Response: My grammar shall be the end of me :P
Hmm Scorpius is quite an awkward name. (Not on the top of my baby names list :P) Scorp ... Lets see what ole Scorpius feels when I write the next chapter :P
I copyrighted that to show that dear gwen has a unique and utterly unstoppable habit. It was put to show her extreme muggle loving nature.
Dunno about the eleven year old calling him Mr. Potter... Because I was taught not to call anyone by their first name unless they wanted it.
But again... Thank you so much for your review. I don't mind if it was harsh because I'd rather someone tell point out the mistakes and help me improve.
Thanks again :D

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Review #6, by javct Chapter 1

21st November 2012:
javct45 here with your belated review.

Bet you never thought was coming did you? ha!

I enjoyed reading this. The plotline is god so far and I think you could do a good job at avoiding the annoying cliche's when it comes to the next gen.

You mentioned grammatical errors in your 'areas of concern' and I'm glad you did. There are quite a few grammatical errors throughout this story (too many for my to point out in a review). Might I suggest getting a beta? There are plenty of amazing beta's on the forums and they are so helpful and amazing people. It is always good to have someone to look over your story that isn't yourself because, as the author, you tend to miss the mistakes (everyone does it :P).

The time changes confuse me a little though. I mean, I see that you have told the reader 'five yes later' and 'flashback' but, especially at the end, I found it hard to read it because the flashbacks were so prominent and quick. Maybe you could add some more description or imagery? that always helps :)

Jasmine, x

Author's Response: Hahahahah nah I thought you would ;)
Hmmm getting a beta...! I'll consider it. Just been really busy with school but I'll definitely consider it when I'm free.
Ah the timeline. I'll try to tidy that part up. :P
Thank you so much for pointing out the errors..!!!

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Review #7, by jo Chapter 5

5th November 2012:
Jarwen!!! all the way ... and yes James is a bit of a creep... LOVE IT

Author's Response: Hahahahah yeah he is isn't he? ;)
Let's see whats gonna happen to them...Old habits die hard. :P
Thanks for the review!

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Review #8, by bookworm_hermione Chapter 4

3rd November 2012:
ehem. I apologize for the excessive caps, but honestly! You must update soon. So many questions to be be answered. Who was the person that punched Scorpious. Is it linked to the person that gave Arwen her scar? How will Rose take this? Albus? Everyone? Basicly. WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

Update. The suspense is KILLING me.

Author's Response: Damn I am so sorry!!! I couldn't help but end the chapter there!!
The next chapter has a lot of emotions and stuff...cough! cough! *Rose/Scorpius* cough! And a few others.
I'll update soon enough! =D
Thanks for reviewing!

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Review #9, by Elphaba and Boyfriends Chapter 1

31st October 2012:
Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review!

First of all, I like your character, Arwen (LOTR reference!) Mallory. This chapter had me wondering whether Arwen's mother might be a witch who just grew tired of living in the muggle world (her line about the aligned stars especially made me think that). I also wondered whether the burning roast was a manifestation of Arwen's undeveloped power.

I did notice some places where I might add punctuation. For instance, in this sentence: "A dog and a cat were not considered ideal friends but they were patient listeners and understanding mates." I would add a comma after "friend." In this sentence: "A monotonous greeting and question how her day was and the day ended with him retreating to the library after dinner." I might separate "how her day" was with commas or parentheses.

I also liked Neville's appearance in this story! I laughed at her description of him as a weirdo. :) That part made me wonder whether her father knew/suspected that his wife and/or daughter were magical.

For the flashback section, I don't think you actually need the text that announces the beginning and end of the flash back. The story makes sense without it (at least, I didn't have any trouble following along). :)

The two sections at the end (five years later and somewhere away far from Hogwarts) are both so brief, and ended so suddenly that I am left wondering what's going on. I'm guessing that's intentional, though. The ending does serve as a big fat invitation to move on to the next chapter. :)

I plan to continue reading and reviewing, although I may be a bit slow. :)

Author's Response: Hehehe my punctuations are a major pain in the arse...=P That's my biggest issue it seems!!! I'll proof read the chapters a few more times before sending them for validation.
I had a few problems with the flashback scenes so it was better I introduced them. I'm glad you got it =P
Nice guesses by the way but I'm not gonna say if any of them are true or false...;)
Thank you so much for reviewing! =)

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Review #10, by caoty Chapter 2

30th October 2012:
Hey, I'm here with your requested review.

So you've got some funny lines in this - Hippogriff poo, LOL - and I quite like your Gwen, she's fun.

That said, I have mostly critique for this. You don't have to take it on board if you don't want to, but this is just what I was thinking while I read this, and I think you have a right to know.

First off, just some technical stuff for you, which will put a lot of people off if it's not fixed:
a) Your formatting is off. You know, you've got your horizontal rule, and then a ridiculously huge space beneath it. What you'll need to do to fix that is to put in your HTML code and your Author's Notes in the Word/Pages/Google Docs document you're writing, and then just paste that as plain text. ^_^
b) Your grammar could do with a bit of work, too. You've got sentences like:
>"Missed you Arwen." Said Gwen as she hugged Arwen.
which should be
>"Missed you Arwen," said Gwen, as she hugged Arwen.
You've also got quite a few missing commas, spaces and letters, as well as a few Americanisms used by your assumedly British characters. Maybe you could try proofreading, or get a beta reader, just to make it easier to read.

I'm also not convinced that James and Freddie, of all people, having been told by Harry about Draco, would treat Scorpius like they do. Could you explain that to me, please?

Also, the time shifts are rather hard to follow - extremely, actually, and I tend to like disjointed things.

Gosh, this was a harsh review, eh? I don't mean to discourage you from writing at all, but hey, no-one's perfect, etc. etc.

Author's Response: I prefer harsh reviews!! =P And I'd rather hear the mistakes. So yeah I thank you for taking the time and pointing them out.
I'll work on the spacing. When I wrote it, it wasn't so weirdly spaced. Sigh! And the punctuation! LOL I will work on that.
What I felt after reading DH was that Harry and Hermione seemed okay with Draco and accepting but I didn't feel that Ron was. I always felt he was anti-Malfoy. The same for some of the Weasley's. Even though Harry might have said his side of story I don't think that some of the Weasley family felt the same. They did have a very old cold war going between the families. I always imagined most of the Weasley kids sitting around Ron Weasley and listening to him criticize Draco and Hermione looking on exasperatedly =P But that's my opinion.
Thanks for the criticism and the review! =P

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Review #11, by hannnahgracr Chapter 1

29th October 2012:

I really love the introduction to the chapter, I think you worded it wonderfully. It made for a very interesting opening and it made me want to read on.

I personally am not a fan of stories in the third person but that is completely my own opinion. So if I had started reading this story I probably would have stopped because it's in the third person but that does not reflect your writing at all, just personal preference.

I feel you overused the word 'she' which is hard not to do when writing in the third person so maybe watch out for that in future writing. Also I felt some of the dialogue was a bit disjointed. Try reading out what you've written as speech and see if it flows, if that makes sense?! Also some of your writing is disjointed as well. Perhaps look into conjunctions to make it flow a bit more.

I like the element of mystery about her mother and I look forward to seeing how you develop Arwen and her feelings towards this situation. Also fabulous name choice, it's always rare to find a story with an unusual name for the main character.

I don't really like the fact you wrote 'flash back' then 'flash back ends'. I personally would have lead into the flashback with an ellipsis and ended it with one too. I would have made the flashback in italics so readers knew it was a flashback. However I know this could probably be confusing for readers so ignore this if you like the way you are introducing flashbacks now.

The last two scenes were a little confusing. I know you were probably going for dramatic effect which you certainly achieved but I would have preferred more detail. Still it does make me want to read on.

If I had time I definitely would read the other chapters but unfortunately I don't but I'll be coming back to read on another day.

I hope you found this review helpful :-)

Author's Response: I have a major problem with punctuation!! =P Hahaha. Yes I did find your review helpful!
I did think about making it first person but I wanted to experiment with third person.
I'm glad you pointed out the mistakes. Yeah I do feel I overused the word 'she' too much. Hmm if I ever get a few ideas for introducing flashbacks I shall definitely use it! Since I am working on giving a back story to the characters and all (which I think I got carried away with =P) there will be a few flashbacks.
Yep reading out the sentence helps! =)
Thanks so much for your review!!!

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Review #12, by my_voice_rising Chapter 2

29th October 2012:
Hello, back again with your review! :)

I like that you've chosen to flash ahead to their Fifth Year; usually people choose the Seventh so it's interesting to read about the characters when they're younger. One thing I immediately notice is that you will probably want to find a Beta, just because of punctuation, mostly. The way it is right now, the story's a bit hard to read, but a Beta reader could totally help you with that. :)

Also I'm guessing that it's supposed to be a surprise, exactly what they did for Gwen, but you've gotta give us something! Otherwise we're completely left in the dark. For example, was it something that could fit in a pocket? Or were they showing her a photograph?

From what I can recall, the flashback to her first year is pretty much exactly what happened in The Sorcerer's Stone, scene by scene...maybe you want to take some of it out, or change it up a bit? I do feel bad for Scorpius though, already getting hurt on his first day just for being a Malfoy. Poor kid!

I laughed out loud at James getting ahead of himself and trying to compliment Arwen, but saying her eyes look like Hippogriff poo. I also like your characterization of Harry, Ginny, George and Molly--they are being actual adults and responding to their kids' bad behavior appropriately, rather than just being in the background as I've seen with some NextGen fics. It was very sweet that they baked Arwen a bunch of apology-pies as well :)

I think that you could stand to split this chapter into two, as it's very long. You could also possibly take out a lot of the not-so-important stuff, and flesh out the parts that are more integral to the plot. (Like the scene in the forest, etc.)

All in all though, nice work!

Author's Response: Oh don't I love your reviews ;)
Hmm I guess I really need to work on the punctuation. I don't know about a beta reader now. I'll consider one later maybe.
Thanks for pointing out the mistakes. I'm going to edit it soon. Maybe I won't split it. On my way back home I was contemplating whether I should or should not...=P
I'll keep that in mind for future chapters but I guess the whole story goes a bit out of sync if I do so. I guess I concentrated too much on giving a back story. I'm considering toning it down. Sigh! I've typed out four more chapters but I guess that will get split up.

Thank you so much!!!

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Review #13, by Orange_orange Chapter 1

28th October 2012:
Great story,i did not get the ending though.

Author's Response: I changed the ending a bit. You could always go back and check and tell me if you think it works.
Thanks for reviewing!

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Review #14, by caoty Chapter 1

28th October 2012:
Hey, I'm here from the common room.

So this is an interesting start... you've got a pretty, clever, cynical child who is experiencing some kind of emotional abuse/abandonment from her parents - despite their great taste in names and T-shirts - and turns out to be a Muggleborn witch.

Your descriptive language and vocabulary are very extensive and very good until we get to the last few lines:
>An evil laugh rang across the room.
Doesn't that sound just a touch cartoonish to you? Maybe I'm just being nitpicky, but it does to me.

You've also got a few misplaced bits of punctuation and some spacing issues you might want to fix up, too.

Anyway, good luck writing. :)

Author's Response: Thanks for pointing out the errors. I had edited this chapter yesterday and now I'm waiting for it to be validated. The ending is a bit different in that, taken care of some of the punctuation and just a bit more descriptive.
Nah it totally okay if you found it cartoonish. :P
Thanks so much for reviewing. Waiting for this chapter to get validated.

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Review #15, by my_voice_rising Chapter 1

26th October 2012:
Hello there! I'm here with your requested review.

Your introduction is very nice. There is an unnecessary comma though, between "learning it the hard way" and "made it easier..." which distracts the reader from your otherwise very nice flow. Perhaps you should also drop the first two words of this sentence: "Looking at a wary seven year old does seem odd but it was accepted" because it reads as though your OC is actually looking at a seven year-old. But this is a really great introduction to her character; bravo for you taking the time to include back-story before diving into the chapter. I've never heard that Eminem song (not the biggest fan) but the lyrics set up the mood for your introductory paragraph nicely.

Arwen is such a beautiful name. I don't think I've ever seen it in HP fanfiction, I suppose because people were nervous about using a Tolkien name?

I think it would help if you specified that Arwen's family were Muggles. Obviously she would not know the term, being in the dark herself about her magical abilities. The reader can assume from the smoke alarms and fire department, but perhaps you could tell the reader without actually having to use the word "Muggle." For example, what do her parents do? Or you could list the Muggle classes for which Arwen was expected to have top marks.

I also would love to hear more about her mother's disappearance--I know you're saving some of it to build up plot, but did she say those words to Arwen personally, or in a letter? What time of day was it? What was she wearing? Did Arwen catch her making her escape or did she seek her daughter out? Also, what does her father do exactly? I'm interested by him retreating to the library to work.

Another area where some more detail would be wonderful is her meeting with Neville. It was very funny when she thought he was insulting her by calling her a witch, I giggled at that. Also his affinity for toads was good--yay, Trevor! But it sounded like Neville was kind of just like, "Welp, so you're kind of a witch" all off-handedly. I know he wasn't, and you're obviously a good story-teller, so why don't you try adding some more drama to that scene? That is certainly one of the more life-changing moments in Arwen's entire childhood and I'd love to be able to read some more about it!

How sad about her father! Just carting her off like that. He didn't even wait for Neville to display magic or prove anything, just tossed his only child away to a strange man to take her away? What a horrible, horrible person.

The last two scenes are confusing--I think you should add some more detail. I think you're a good enough writer to do that without giving away too much of who is talking. Maybe instead of saying Somewhere far away from Hogwarts: you could describe the place, narrating how far away it is, and what it looks like, but not the people. Otherwise it's difficult for the reader to connect.

All in all I think this is a good start. I like reading about when Muggles discover they're not actually Muggles! ;) Nice work.

Author's Response: OMG thank you so much for this review!
I guess I do put too many comma's =P. I'll set that right the next time I'll be editing.
I like a few of Eminem's songs and I thought it suited the chapter.
I love the name Arwen and I also loved Lord of the Rings. =)
Thanks for pointing out the loopholes. I'll work more on the muggle aspect of the chapter.
The questions about her mother's disappearance make me realize how little I worked on developing that scene. So thanks again! =P

Yes I did receive some grief about the ending and I got a few ideas for it!

And again! Thank you so much! It was a really helpful review!

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Review #16, by Eleanor Chapter 2

12th October 2012:
Was James so CAPTIVATED by Arwen's eyes that his brain became mush? ;)

I think they became animagi but i'm not sure how Gwen becomes a werewolf

i like your story so far :)

Author's Response: Oh yeah his twelve year old brain did.=P
But he actually becomes quite an ass in the next chapters( No more twelve..=P)
Well I'll explain that in the next chapter. I'm trying to establish the characters and a bit of back-story first before i jump into the main plot.
Thanks for your review. =)

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Review #17, by Alex Plank Chapter 2

11th October 2012:
Became animagus'...I think that's how you spell it :) and Gwen is a werewolf :) ya? Ya? Hahha, update soon!!

Author's Response: Yep!! Ten points to - ( oh god I don't know which house you are in :P)
I'm just trying to establish the characters and some stuff and then I'll get on with the main plot :D
Thanks for the review!

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Review #18, by countrymusicfanatic Chapter 2

11th October 2012:
haha I love the ending: "Yeah Hippogriff poo eyes. How romantic!” said Arwen sarcastically.


Anyways, I really liked the way this was laid out with it starting in fifth year and then having a flashback rather than having it as it's own chapter. I really enjoyed this and I'm excited for the next chapter!

Author's Response: I'm glad you like it! :D
I'll be posting the next chapter soon...!

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Review #19, by countrymusicfanatic Chapter 1

11th October 2012:
I liked this. I didn't really get the end of that supposed to be what happens at the end of the story? Other than that, I thought it was really good and the story seems interesting :)

Author's Response: Ah... I thought I'd get a bit of a problem because of the ending... Well it is supposed to happen later.. In a future chapter or so. It's like a trailer :P
Thanks so much for the review!!

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Review #20, by NoxFlame172 Chapter 1

15th September 2012:
Interesting start to your story. I like Arwen, and the mystery regarding her mother and past.

The chapter was well written, and I couldn't see any errors, but I was a little confused over what happened at the end, I still liked it though!! :)

Look foward to reading more!

Author's Response: Thank you. Well yeah I edited the end and the story it a bit (gone for validation)... I noticed some errors and typos, they are sooo annoying =P.
The end will work out as we move on in the story. It's more like a trailer...=P
Thanks again for reviewing! =)

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