Reading Reviews for Malfoy
  
6 Reviews Found

Review #1, by academica The discovery

22nd September 2012:
Hi! I'm here from review tag :)

So I think this is a cool idea for a story, and I feel like the Malfoy family would fit well with Hamlet. I like how you've inserted familiar characters into the appropriate roles, like Dobby as a guardsman. I always felt like he had a unique perspective on the family, and so I like that he gets to tell the story in this chapter, in a way. It was cool to see him interact a little with Blaise in this chapter, too.

I've got a couple of critiques for you. I saw quite a few punctuation, grammar, and spelling errors in this chapter. I think a beta could help you clean that up, and it would really improve the readability of this piece. Additionally, I think it would be good if you could go back in and edit it to make it a bit longer. You could add in more imagery and maybe even a little bit of back story in the details. Finally, I know this is probably just a personal choice, but reading the Malfoys' names as you have them written irked me a bit and broke up the flow for me. They sounded like stage directions inserted into the middle of an ongoing story. I'd recommend using plain old "Draco Malfoy" and "Lucius Malfoy."

That said, this is a promising start! Nice job!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hey, thanks for the review and sorry for the late reply!
I'm glad you like it and thanks for the CC, I'll go thorugh and edit it. :)
Thanks again for reviewing! :)


 Report Review

Review #2, by Remus The discovery

15th September 2012:
Perelandra here from the forums with your review swap! I'm a sucker for Shakespeare and when I saw this one I had to read it.

In my English class, we only watched Kenneth Branagh's Hamlet, never read it. However, that was almost 10 years ago so the details escape me. Which I'm glad because that way I won't know what is going to happen.

Plotwise: This was a very interesting start. I'm starting to wonder who killed Lucius since he has no brother. Unless you give him one. Haha! The one I'm interested to read about is Ophelia and who you're going to cast as her. I can't really comment much on it since its only the first chapter.

Grammar and punctuation: I found a couple of mistakes. For example, you misspell Constellations. There were some parts that needed commas while in others you needed to trade the commas for a full stop. Maybe one more quick read through and you'll see where you'll naturally break or fully stop if you were reading out loud.

I absolutely love the imagery and setting. I'm a detail oriented person and unless the author gives me a setting and description, I'm going to imagine everything in a black room. You managed to put me in that Denmark castle along with Dobby and Blaise.

Anyway! I believe that's it! I'm curious as to who is going to be who in this story! :D Thanks for the swap and a good read!

--Rosie

Author's Response: Hey, thanks for reviewing! :)
I'm going to re-quest a beta for this once my other story has picked one up so hopefully the mistakes will vanish.
I'm glad you liked it though and that you felt like you were there!
Thanks again for reviewing! :)


 Report Review

Review #3, by EverDiggory The discovery

31st August 2012:
Here with your review!

Plot: this is really interesting to me. Because I'm an honors student, I didn't have to read Hamlet, so I'm really blind as to what's going to happen. I was never a fan of Shakespeare, but I was willing to give this a shot. There's plenty of mystery that makes me very eager as to what's going to happen.

Imagery: the second paragraph and the eigth paragraph are wonderfully detailed I was thrilled! But, unfortunately, the rest was barren! Tis drives me up a wall mainly because when you put the imagery in, your writing is beautiful! One method I do, because I assume you struggle with imagery, is write the chapter as you normally would, then set aside a half an hour or so to go back through and add it! Imagery is really important!

Grammar/Spelling: Alright, I have a few things to say about this. First, there were quite a few errors. Between the spelling and incorrect use of punctuation, I felt the need to go through and fix all of it! I would definitely, definitely strongly recommend a beta. I will try and help with the punctuation!

“I'll go fetch him. I'll be as quick as possiable.” He told Dobby before hurrying off to Malfoy. D. Jr's room.

In the above sentence that period should actually be a comma. Also, possible is spelled incorrectly. Here's another example of a sentence in which the period should be a comma.

I've never been more sure of anything, I've been stood here for about five minutes and it hasn't moved. It's just been saying help me but does it not remind you of someone because I think it does.” explained Dobby as he turned around and faced the creature again

Do you see the similarities there? It should only be a period if it's a sentence such as this:

“Help me, help me.”

If I don't make any sense, please, please Pm and I'll try and help. Also, the whole Malfoy L. Sr. Thing got a little confusing. Maybe that's how it was in Hamlet and I'm missing that, but it just got a little bit obnoxious.

Flow: this was pretty good! Even with the page break! I was actually wondering, and I'm nitpicking, if you could actually have skipped it though. You had enough transitioning sentences and you wrote it in third person, so I do think you could take it out if you wanted to.

Dialogue: the dialogue was very blunt and too the point. But, but! I really do think it fit well with the situation, so good job with that!

Thanks for requesting!

xx

Ever

Author's Response: Hey, thanks for the great review! :)
Yeah I do struggle with Imagery so thanks for the tip, I'll try it!
Thanks for the other CC as well, I'm just getting out of the habit of putting periods all the time.
Thanks again for reviewing! :)


 Report Review

Review #4, by WeasleyTwins The discovery

27th August 2012:
Hello! I'm here with a quick review since you responded to my status!

I like the idea that you're using Shakepeare's Hamlet as a frame for your story. I used to just abhor Shakespeare, but have found a hesitant love for him recently, so it was nice to see a bit of fanfiction concerning our good ol' bard. Your big paragraphs of description are also nice, I only wish you had kept them constant throughout the chapter!

One of the main things I would suggest is getting a beta - it would help with some of the typos/grammatical errors that I saw throughout the chapter. I know that grammar and the like aren't everyone's forte, so getting a beta would definitely clear things up. Also if you have questions about plot, characterization, description, dialogue, etc., a beta is a lovely resource for critiquing your work.

Overall, I think you've got a great idea here!

Shelby

Author's Response: Hey, I'm glad you liked it!
I'll request a beta on the forums, thanks for pointing that out.
Thanks for reviewing! :)


 Report Review

Review #5, by FallenAmaranth The discovery

27th August 2012:
Hi!

This was brilliant! I take it you're fairly familiar with Hamlet?
As caoty already pointed out, it's extremely close to the actual play, but I love the way you cast the characters, especially Dobby :)
I'm excited to see what you do if you decide to continue, and although there are a few grammar mistakes that could be corrected, it's nicely written :)

~Emily

Author's Response: Hey!
Yeah, I do know it quite well and I'm glad you liked who I cast the characters for- took me ages to think of some of them!
Thanks for reviewing and I'm glad you liked it! :)


 Report Review

Review #6, by caoty The discovery

20th August 2012:
Hey, I'm here 'cause I decided to take you up on your review swap. :)

So, Malfoy as Hamlet! That's a very interesting idea, especially since Malfoy is quite different to Hamlet and it'll be interesting to see how you characterise him if you decide to continue with this.

I've a few nitpicks with this, though. First off, can I suggest you acquire a beta if you haven't done so already, for spelling and such? It's a little bit distracting. Secondly, so far it seems a bit too close to the source material - if you decide to continue with this, you're in danger of basically making this Hamlet with different names.

Anyway, good luck with the challenge, and happy writing. :)

Author's Response: Hey, thanks for reviewing! :)
Thanks for the tips, I'll look into getting a beta! :)
Thanks again for reviewing!


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login