I really liked this chapter - it showed how Laila (sorry if i spelt her name wrong) truly felt and this insight gave a deeper meaning to her personality!

I feel though as if the chapter should be a little longer! With more events in them! That would definitely make the story more interesting! In the sense that you won't have to wait for a while for the next chappie and you sort of forget what happened in the previous because there was nothing major!

I'm sorry if that sounded mean - i didn't mean it to be harsh. I understand when you can't elongate your chapters but adding more events would be awesome :)

Update soon!

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First off: That chapter image is just all sorts of awesome! You have a real talent for graphic images ;)

Right, so your story:

My favorite pairing is Albus and his camera. I hope they get realize their love for each other (kidding...maybe)!

This is a sweet chapter that really emphasizes Albus and Laila's friendship. It's really quite an accurate portrayal of bestfriends :)

Poor Laila...she's got that problem with her being a Malfoy and all...it's a great plot. Very intriguing :)

Ooo the short interaction between Scorpius and Laila is very believeable too. I do the same things with my siblings (in regards to throwing candy at them when I grab one for myself)...sorry. This review is really rubbish, isn't it? It's just one of those days.

Basically, this story is really developing into quite the narrative :D

Thanks for sending it to me to read, and I'm sorry I wasn't able to articulate everything that I liked about this chapter so well...
soapman333

Author's Response: Aha, thank you!

Ohmygosh, I totally ship that too haha :D He always fiddling with it, isn't he?

I love the friendship between Laila and Al and their interactions are one of my favourite things to write!

And this review isn't rubbish at all! I loved your feedback :) I can't wait for you to read the next one (which is still being written :P )!

-Sankavi ^_^


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Even if this was short I already know a little bit about your main character which is great. As far as I saw there wasn't any grammar or punctuation errors so good job on that and I sincerely enjoyed reading the Prologue.

Author's Response:
Thank you, and thanks for the review love! xx

-Sankavi ^_^

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Hello it’s Kiana from Team Blue!

I liked the school theme at the beginning of this chapter, as that’s often missing from stories which is quite disappointing, as it was such a big aspect of the original books, and for it not to appear in stories is a little strange. I did spot this ‘sixth/seventh’, its better if you said ‘sixth and seventh’, as I find informal language in a story, lowers the overall tone of it.

I found it a little strange that both James and Al were in Slytherin, despite coming from a very Gryffindor family, so perhaps if you included an explanation as to why they are there, it would be better.

James made me laugh, as though he seemed confident, it was in a funny way, not egotistical way, which was a nice change from what we usually see. I liked that you made Laila a quidditch player, as you don’t tend to see that much with OC’s, so that was a nice change.

I noticed a couple of typos such as “Le’s go”, when it should be “Let’s go”. And here “So, why’d you lie?”, that’s why had you lied, which doesn’t make sense as it could be why did you lie. A little note on the direct speech there should be a comma after the last word of it, as it was missing in the ‘let’s go’, I pointed out before. I spotted some other mistakes, but I noticed you said this hadn’t been beta’d yet, so they should be able to pick them out for you.

It was a good chapter though, it just needs some polishing up, and inclusion of extra details!

-Kiana!

Author's Response: I totally agree about the school thing! I think that the stories that lack the school aspect sort of also lose that feel of Hogwarts.

James is actually in Gryffindor. It says that he is the captain of the Gryffindor team :/ And I haven't really brought up much of James characteristics yet so I'm not sure where you're getting that from :/

Also, those weren't typos. It's just the way they speak :/

-Sankavi ^_^

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First of all, that joke you left on my review thread...I had to say it out loud quite a few times before it clicked, but when it did...I laughed so hard that I scared my dog.

Onto the review!

Geez, the all-around narrative of this story had me laughing quite a few times, but I think my favorite line is: "while Dad just stood there, glaring at anything that moved."

Author's Response: Got you pm about the cut off review ;)

I'll reply to it soon!

-Sankavi ^_^

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Hello! I’m here from the BvB review battle [Welcome to Ravenclaw by the way! I am usually active on the forums but school likes me a bit too much this semester so I’m not on a lot…But I had the urge to review something…so here I am…and you probably didn’t need that whole explanation. Anyways. xD]

I absolutely adore how you opened this chapter.

“Lets get one thing straight here: there's nothing wrong with me.”

I mean, it’s a classic line that has me interested almost the second the words register in my brain. It leaves a million questions exploding in my brain [who is this character? Why should people find something wrong with her? What did she do? Etc.] and you only build off of it as you continue talking about the stories and rumour and how she’s normal despite those. I also love how you continue with this inner dialogue and put in place relationships before you name the character. It really helps me as a reader to get the feel of the character before learning too much about her. Though I will admit…you leave a lot of dangling pieces of information. She’s Scorpius’ brother but her mother isn’t Astoria. I can’t…who is her mum? I’m so curious. And you mention very few names [Scorpius and Albus being the only two, really] and you mention she’s not well liked by other Gryffindor’s…and all I can think is what caused this? Why is there such a…resistance to liking her by the other Gryffindor’s?

And don’t read that wrong! It’s definitely a good curiosity! All these questions swim around my mind and make me want to go on to the next chapter to learn more about Laila and her family and just everything. You really do give just enough information to pull me into the story and want to read more.

I do have a couple of grammar-y flow things that stuck out in this first chapter [I tend to be a bit nit-picky…but I mean it all for the best!]. First is the amount of fragmented sentences. I totally understand that fan fiction kind of loosens the reins when it comes to sentence structure but I found at some points the sentences seemed really disjointed because they would start with verbs and wouldn’t really have a subject…I’m not saying to cut them all out either. I’m just suggesting maybe cutting them back a bit to help with the flow of the chapter.

And this one is really nit-picky…in the first sentence, ‘lets’ should be ‘let’s’.

But despite both those things, this was a really wonderful chapter! I absolutely loved it and hopefully will have some time to read some more soon!

~Grimmerz

Author's Response: It's awesome that it perked up your curiosity! It's exactly what I wanted this chapter to do :) As for the grammar stuff, I'll read over it again and see what I can change.

Thanks so much for this review!

-Sankavi ^_^

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Hi Sankavi! It’s Kiana from Team Blue!

I found it funny that Draco was so scared about driving a muggle car, and it was interesting that you made him an auror. However, I felt that this part of the chapter could have been developed a little more. For example, you could say why he was an auror, as that seemed a little surprising, or what was happening on the roads, which could make him so scared, as those contextual things, makes the reader more connected to the story.

I liked the appearance of Al, as it made me laugh. It was nice to see that you included Luna, as I often don’t see her in next gen stories, so it was good to see her here, and it made me laugh about the trip to Germany as it seemed so realistic to me. You mentioned in the last review response that he was a Slytherin, however, I felt that wasn’t made clear enough in the story, so if you included a little line about it, it will add some clarity to it.

I liked Laila’s interaction with her friends, as it was funny and seemed so natural. You seemed to have picked a nice selection of her friends, and they all seemed to balance the other one out. I hope that you develop them more in feature chapters, e.g. personality, looks, as we can understand them more that way! You also mentioned a Rose, I assume you mean Rose Weasley, but I think if you added in a surname it would be better.

I hope this review didn’t seem too critical, it’s just I can see that there’s a good story, I just want it to be able to reach it’s full potential!

-Kiana!

Author's Response: Hi again! Thank you for your suggestions :D I'm writing the 4th chapter right now, so once I finish that and give it to my beta I'll start editing in some of your suggestions ;)

I actually put a lot of thought into her friends. I wanted each one of them to be the parts that Laila's missing, you know? They're a pretty tight knit group especially because Zabs and Jasper were her childhood friends (Jasper is supposed to be Pansy's son but I haven't found the right place to insert that in yet) and then her and Al are just idk, perfect besties :) It's actually good that you point out some of those small details I'm missing. This story and the characters have already developed so much in my mind that sometimes i forget that the readers don't actually know every fact like I do :S

Thanks so much for the review. You have no idea how helpful it is. Also, if you'd like to learn more about the characters or the story or something, you can always ask me on my MTA page in the forums!

xx

-Sankavi ^_^

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who is the girl in the chapter image
she is so pretty!

Author's Response: That would be Genelia D'Souza. She's an Indian actress :)

She is, isn't she?

thanks for the review!

-Sankavi ^_^

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Hey there - just popped over from the review battle (incidentally, welcome to the forums/archives and Ravenclaw, of course, since I don't think I've said that before ;D).

I have to say, first off, that reading this is slightly nostalgic for me, since the first fanfic I ever really wrote was a long-since-deleted story on another site about Scorpius Malfoy's older sister (who actually went to Durmstrang, shock of shocks) and ended up dating James Poter II. So yeah, it's kinda odd in a nostalgic, this-seems-somewhat-familiar way.

I really like the way you're using first person voice to do this. It's really allowing us to get to know Laila and her voice - the way she thinks, what she thinks, how she works, her personality, etc. Also, Laila herself seems like a good character. Although we haven't seen too much of her in this chapter, she seems fairly solid and pretty well thought-out, though I have to warn you away from making her too 'quirky'. OCs are nearly always quirky, you know - and she grew up with Draco, so that's not necessarily going to have been a bundle of laughs. Just something to keep an eye on, maybe ;)

I think it's really interesting the way that, while you've mentioned Scorpius and Al so far, you haven't mentioned any other friends (she must have some people who she talks to on occasion, right?) or her parents - in terms of what her relationship is with each of them. Particularly her parents, tbh. I'm really curious as to how the fact that her mother isn't Astoria, but she clearly lives with the family works out - it's going to make for a pretty interesting family dynamic behind the scenes, and probably quite a bit of angst, I imagine.

The one thing I would say is that, while you definitely leave us with a lot of questions after this (what is she going to do? How is this year going to be different from others? What's going to happen? How does James come into it?), you might want to give us a few more hints about what's to come. Yeah, we know she gets with James, but anything more than that? Does she take up Quidditch, get in trouble, become a prefect? Just coz I'm not too sure what's really going to happen - there's not that many hints, other than what's in the summary.

Also, maybe you could explain a bit more about how everything thinks she's such a Malfoy? Coz you said she doesn't look like one, she's only Scorpius' half-sister, she's in Gryffindor, friends with Al... I'm not really quite sure where that's coming from, tbh, and if you include mention of maybe people gossiping about who her mother is, why she looks so different, assuming that she's snobby because she doesn't want to talk to them or whatever, it would make that a little clearer.

Still, this looks like a really fun story. I like Laila's character and how she's not the typical OC or Malfoy's daughter, and I'm pretty interested in seeing where you take her from here... what exactly happens? How does she get with James? Where do Al and Scorpius come into it? Who's her mother? You've left a lot of questions in this... ;)

Aph xx

p.s. I hope I wasn't too harsh with what I said - I really didn't mean to be. I always try to give constructive criticism and review the way I would like to be reviewed (and offer suggestions and advice and stuff, you know), so I hope I was helpful - in some small way, at least :)

Author's Response: Hello! (and thank you)

Wow, was it really? I think I'll check it out later ;)

As for Laila, I will try not to make her too quirky. If you read farther on, you learn more about her character and who she is as a person :) (hopefully this answers your next question as well?)

Because this was the Prolouge, I didn't feel the need to get into to many details. I wanted the reader to learn these things about her as the story went on. Same thing goes for the mum thing. They way press perceives her will actually play a big part in the plot later on ;)

Thanks so much for the review and you were not harsh at all!!

-Sankavi ^_^

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Wow, what an intriguing start.

Hello, I'm here for the review request :)

The narrative was quite smooth and very humorous. I see a lot of potential in both this story and your writing!

Now on to your characters:

Poor Laila, I feel for her :/ being an outcast at the school does not sound like a trip to a park.

Her mother isn't Astoria? Wow, this part really intrigued me. This just flares my wee curiosity friend that sits around on my lap, waiting for me to read mystery stories (That didn't make sense...I'm running off of coffee at this moment).

I think the part that really caught my attention (and I know it's just a small detail in your work) is where you mentioned that Gryffindors have too much pride to ridicule her, so they just ignore her. I don't know why I like this part so much...it just a unique aspect to your story!

Now, I hope this review wasn't complete rubbish,
soapman333

Author's Response: Hi :D

Intriguing? I have a wee friend as well named ego and you just fed him and, err, made him really fat. Yeah, we'll go with that . . . MOVING ON.

I love seeing people's reaction to the whole Astoria's not her mom thing because it honestly wasn't terribly jaw dropping to me when I wrote it. (but I must've thought so at the time because of the bird comment -.-)

As for the Gryffindor thing, I just don't think they're bullies even though many fanfic writers write them as such. But it's nice to see that you find that interesting :) There'll be more of that pride showing up later!

Thank you for this totally non rubbish review love! xx

-Sankavi ^_^

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Hi Sankavi, here for the BvB battle :)

So, this is your first fanfic? Welcome to the wonderful world of fanfic, you'll never leave now - not never want to leave, you will at some point, but its harder than it looks. Trust me, I've been doing it for nearly 10 years now lol. So, wishing you all the best and many, many fun times writing and many, many late night coffee induced insomniac sessions that are more fun than what they sound - they do happen. A lot.

Now, onto the story. First of all, you should remove that huge AN - I actually don't know how it got approved as it does kinda violate the ToS, so you should delete it before a validator comes across it and could potentially remove your chapter!!! Your first little AN is fine, but all the edits and snippets etc, they really do need to go :S

Now, onto Laila. She is obviously your OC, you've done a little bit to show us her character so far in terms of looks, history, likes and fears. You've done a good job telling us that so far in such a small first chapter. I'm looking forward to watching her character develop in the following chapters. I will admit though, I am not entirely sold on the mysterious sister/brother plot (as I said, I've been doing this a LONG time, I've seen it done many, many times before lol), so I'm hoping you can breathe some fresh air into a very overused plot bunny and give it your own unique spin. Wishing you luck! :)

Mysterious mother eh? That part confuses me, as obviously Draco knows she's his daughter, but therefore so would Astoria and Scorpius, but as for the rest of the wizarding world? Do they know that Laila isn't his, or are they under the assumption that Astoria is in fact her "mother"? Interesting to find out.

Would love to see a little more description find its way into your writing, just to build up the foundation for your plot and drag us readers more into your world. I will just say I am crossing my fingers and toes for you that you avoid turning your character into a Sue, as just from the generalized plot alone, this plotline does have the tendancy to breed them a lot. I hope you're one of the lucky few who avoid that fate :)

Keep up the good work, and enjoy your time writing fanfic, have fun! :) Bobby xx

Author's Response: Hi!

This is the first fanfic I've written, but I've been part of the hpff world for a good 8 years now :)

I've removed the edits, sorry about that!

Okay, so Laila IS Draco's daughter but is NOT related by blood to Astoria. Of course, after living pretty much her entire life with them, Astoria has become her mum to her. As for the press, they are under the assumption that Astoria is her mum and the thought of Laila having a different never even crossed their mind :)

It's funny because I'd never thought the whole mum deal would turn out so mysterious! The mum part was never a pivitol role in the plot in my head so it was strange to see everyone react to it in that way.

Thanks so much for the review. The crit helps alot!!

-Sankavi ^_^

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Hello there I’m from the Ravenclaw review tag! I’m excited to read yours, as you made an awesome banner a couple of weeks ago, and whenever I see it, I still things it’s the coolest one ever. So thank you for that, and on with the review!

I have to admit I at first thought this was from Scorpius’s perspective, but I was pleasantly surprised, to see it was from his sisters. I’m not a big fan of the whole ‘Draco had another child’ stories, but this one seems to be off to a good start, due to the differences you’ve shown between them. I liked the idea of Laila and Scorpius not getting along, and there seems to be jealously there as well.

You seemed to have included some mystery as well, with Laila not being Astoria’s daughter, and the whole eating and hanging out with the Slytherin’s thing. I did find it a little confusing though, if she’s good friends with Albus, why was she always with the Slytherin, so that perhaps needs some clarification.

Other than that, I can see this story is off to an interesting start!

-Kiana!

Author's Response: Hello! Glad you liked the banner ;)

Laila and Sorpius do tend to fight alot (something you'll see in some upcoming chapters) and being in the same year doesn't help them at all :/ Somehow, i was able to make them keep the peace for two chapter but as I was writing the 4th i realized they were back at it again XD

and as for the Al thing, it's because he's in Slytherin :)

Thank you for the review!!

-Sankavi ^_^

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'K my inner, not so secret nerd can't handle not correcting you. Bear with me, not Bare with me. If there's other stuff I passed over, forgot about it, but I can see this one while I type the review so.
I'm totally reviewing your chapters in backwards order cuz I am Just. That. Freaking. AWESOME. So ha.
Gawd I don't want to go write that paper. But needs must and I really can't afford to become more sleep deprived than I already am so toodles!
*HEART*
P

Author's Response: yeha, uhm, you totally didn't put the thing that i need to correct in the review (expect a message on FB about that). and yeah awesome. he. hehehe. hehehehe. AND WRITE THAT PAPER WOMAN. if i can get off my butt to study for ap bio, you can totally write that essay. did i ever tell you how i'm gonna do the business pathway? well, the thing is, i HAVE to take computer apps 1 and 2 for that (this came up cuz we is starting forcasting soon) and ugh I DON'T WANT TO TAKE THAT STUPID CLASS >P

TOODLES M'DEARIE AND SHMANKS FOR TEH REVIEW

-Sankavi ^_^

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HI!!!
Me likey
< 3 There is a space in the heart because for some reason hpff doesn't like < and 3 together o.O
P

Author's Response: yeah, the review system is weird like that . . . SHOULDN'T YOU BE DOING THAT PAPER YOUNG LADY!!?!?!?!
(and yes yes wizard of oz trailer WITH FRANCO WHATEVER HIS FIRST NAME IS'S PRETTY FACE :D )

thanks for the review!

-Sankavi ^_^

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LIKED it!! Maybe even loved it...
Bit cookie cutter with the plot so far, but it's well written and I like Al's spasticness :)
I suppose I could have given you my opinion of your (lovely) story (and no, I was NOT being sarcastic calling your story lovely, I actually do like it, SHEESH Sankavi stop being so suspicious) via FB, but I thought I'd be nice and up your review count :D
I really should get back to my public policy paper, but my roommate's friends (but not her, she keeps popping in and out of our room and I have no idea what she's actually doing) are watching The Bachelor on her tv and it's rotting my brain just by constantly reminding me of its existence. ARGGH face (you know the one, you have one remarkably like it).
Let me know when you post a new chapter!
Smooches,
P

Author's Response: Is it bad if i went to FB, typed P into the search and then looked through that list to see who i told about my story (yes, i realize that is not grammatically correct)? But ahhh, i'm so glad you like Al! He's my favourite character and i absolutely LOVE writing him. Although i was hoping the story would be too cookie cutter :/ oh wells, that' something that can easily be fixed over time :)

Psh, who'd rather do a paper than read this awesomesauce story? and oh god, my tennis coach is like in love with that show (btw tennis tryouts started today!)

and argh face? i do not know this argh face you you speak of. pshaw (as you would say . . )

totally will let you know when i post another and thanks for the review!

(ew, cooties)

-Sankavi ^_^

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ah!! I finally get around to reading this and it's SO GOOD!!! The character's interactions and dynamics are /really/ well written, as are the characters themselves!! gahhh I can't wait to find out what sort of trouble and adventures they're all going to get into >:D

Author's Response: MOLLY :D Awh, thank you! *squish* Sorry I'm responding to this so late. I didn't realize that I didn't respond to it till now :P I can't wait for you to read the next chapter :)

Thanks for the review xx

-Sankavi ^_^

ps. well written? psh . . .

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Nice Chapter! MENTION OF JAMESSS!
AWWW THIS IS GONNA BE INTERESTINGGG! IM PUMPED!


Continue writing! Update soon!!!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for sticking with it! I think the next chapter might have tryouts in it so . . . YOU MIGHT GET TO MEET JAMES :D

thanks for the review love xx

-Sankavi ^_^

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really good keep writing!

Author's Response: awh, thanks love! xx

-Sankavi ^_^

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Haha
Im loving the support group!!! Please update as quickly and hastily and brilliantly as possible!

Author's Response: support group? hahahaha, guess that's one way to say it lol ;) and i'm writing the next chappie riight now, though idk how long it will take me to finish :/

thanks for the review love!

-Sankavi ^_^

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The story has a promising funny start; I can't wait to read how it unfolds :)

Author's Response: Hahahaha, thank you :) I can't wait for you guys to start learning more about the other characters, especially Al (he's like literally my favouritest person to write EVER!)

Thanks for the review love xx

-Sankavi ^_^

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Hey hey! So glad this got updated so quickly! Like the way it's going so far. Can't wait to read the next chapter!

Author's Response: Thanks Rachel :D

-Sankavi ^_^

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love love love! please update soon!

Author's Response: Thank you!

I'm working on the next chapter right now and hopefully it'll be done soon. Then after it's beta'd, in the queue it goes!

thanks for the review love!

-Sankavi ^_^

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Hey Sankavi!

It's Rachel! I really like it so far! I can't wait to see how th characters and everything else develop. As I was reading, it was like I could hear you in my head haha (A good thing). I was also starting to remember all that you told me about it so many years ago and I was almost cackling in my head cause I'm like "haha I know what's going to happen next!!!"

Anyway. I can't wait to beta for you! Bye now!

Author's Response: Hahahaha, I kinda wonder what my voice sounds like to you now :D and oh god what have i created O.O

can't wait for your feedback on chapter two ;)

i would totally type more but these stupid keyboards at school are sticky >p i type like a cave man.

*sigh*

-Sankavi ^_^

ps. totes knew it was you because i is a ninja ;)

pps. actually its cause you told me your username

ppps. but i'm still a ninja.

pp.pps.okay bye.

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This is great! I love this idea. Who is her mother? Hermione? DRAMA CENTRAL!! Please keep going! :)

Author's Response: Thanks love!

I have i small idea of who her mom's gonna be but i'm not giving anything away now ;)

next chapter will be up after hols xx

Sankavi ^_^

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This looks like it is going to be a great story by this opening.

The characters, and the little plot that has shown up, all look like this is going to be a good story.

I hope that you update soon!

Author's Response: Thank you so much!

After some serious writer block, i have finally finished the second chapter! it will be put in the queue when hols are over ^_^

glad you like it so far!

-Sankavi ^_^

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