Reading Reviews for Crossing Jordan: Bloodlines
  
5 Reviews Found

Review #1, by SilentConfession Welcome to Day One

28th September 2013:
Hi,

You know what i'm really shocked at?? How few reviews this piece has gotten. I mean, it's so different and unique that i'd have thought people would flock to this idea like flies. There are so many different twists and turns to this that I had to keep reading to try and figure things out. I still don't have a thing figured out, but i'm absolutely enthralled by the plot. I wish more people could read this just to see the creativity that is bouncing out of your mind. I think my favourite bit is just how much i don't know and how much i just can't figure out. It keeps me guessing and wanting more. Yet, there isn't so much of this that i'm feeling confused or annoyed that i have no information because you give enough that is satisfying and yet introduce more. I feel like a cat whose owner is dangling a little string in front of me. I get it some but then it always gets pulled out of my grasp.

I really like Lena too. I like her rashness and her cold attitude. She's charming in her own way and so pigheaded but she's like Lee that way. So over the top (just in different ways). I like how you've chosen Lee's daughter to create this. I also hated it because you've effectively killed one of my favourite characters before the story began. However, i like how the trauma in her life has created her into this and how she pushes people away. What i would like to see more of though or at least some sort of mention is that you talked about her scars... was this metaphorical scars or literal scars from that curse? If it's literal scars it would be great to see how that's affected her now and growing up? Does she embrace them? Hide them? That tells a lot about a person.

While your writing is very clear and easy to read and follow i did find myself wanting more description. I suppose it would give a little more context and make a person feel like they are in the story even more. You've generally done a really great job but if there was one thing that would have made me love this more was just more description. I want to see it.

Another thing i'm wondering about is Umbridge. She was such a massive part of the second war that i doubt she'd ever climb the Ministry ladder again. I don't think anyone would let hrt and, frankly, I was shocked to see her not in prison. I'm wondering if this will be explained more in later chapters or if you will expand on that at all as i'm really curious to know the history of that. It takes a great leap fr me to believe she'd have gotten off free.

Honestly though, i really enjoyed reading this piece and it's so original with so many different thoughts in it that have made me fall in love with it. It's just creative and different and you don't always get that in ff all the time. I feel like this is really branching off into something completely unknown to hpff so lovely job with this! Can't wait to read more :)

Author's Response: wow! this has just made me day, you have no idea! thank you very much for your wonderful review, and i'm so glad you like it that much. it became a little worrying and discouraging that no one seemed to respond to this story i was beginning to wonder if i was doing something wrong. there are so many unanswered questions and they will be answered in the coming chapters. i'm glad you like lena too. as for umbridge, hers is one story arc that is also instrumental to the story, i can't say much without spoiling it, but i'll explain how she's where she is now.
anyway, thank you so much :)


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Review #2, by SereneChaos It's All Water Under the Um-Bridge

16th October 2012:
You're amazing at keeping the action flowing. I'll admit, I saw the word count and was a little nervous about starting a new story 4 chapters in, but once I started I couldn't help but keep clicking to the next chapter! Great work, and I'll look forward to reading what happens next!

Author's Response: thank you so much! i'm sure to update soon

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Review #3, by SereneChaos Knowing the Unknown

16th October 2012:
Interesting story so far! As a side note, make sure to preview your chapters before posting, because there was a massive blank space at the end of this chapter, which may have been caused by accidentally having your cursor far down the bottom of your text box when entering the chapter in.

Great work otherwise!

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Review #4, by Elphaba and Boyfriends Knowing the Unknown

27th September 2012:
Hi, Elphaba here again!

Wow, first of all, I like there there are several interesting plot twists in this chapter. The first is Shacklebolt's revelation that the squibs are really purebloods in hiding. I really like this twist. It was unexpected and I think it has a lot of potential. Considering that Voldemort had repeatedly tried to get people like the Potters to join him, it makes sense that he would pursue other unwilling pureblood families.

The "ancient dark rituals" involving the Children of the Dark that Shacklebolt refers to sound intriguing but a little vague. I understand that this is probably intentional to build suspense, but I hope that they will be explained further, later on in the story.

Then there's Lena's discovery of Ferro Fiero, who may have murdered her parents in addition to abducting the purebloods-in-hiding. I think this is actually the most interesting facet of the case so far, and I definitely want to learn more as the story continues! :)

The next twist, that the Order of the Phoenix has gained power that seems equivalent to the CIA or MI6, is very unexpected, but I like it as well. I can definitely imagine McGonagall would run a very tight ship. :) Speaking of McGonagall, I like your portrayal of her. She seems very stern, but caring, which is how I remember her from the books.

This sentence confused me a bit: "Of course the Ministry could not have asked because they would have been denied access, but again, they had never thought about asking." Did the Ministry even know that the list existed? You might want to consider revising it, just to make clear why the Ministry wouldn't think to ask for the list.

I did notice quite a few run-on sentences with comma splices, but there weren't quite as many in this chapter as in the first one.

Finally, there's the cliffhanger ending with Dumbledore! I definitely want to read more about that. :) So far your twisty plot has done a good job of keeping me guessing and wondering how the story will continue. :)

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This has nothing to do with your writing, but I had to scroll down a long way to get to the review box -- I wonder if some extra returns found their way into the editor when you posted your story? I've had issues with extra space in the editor from time to time, myself.

Author's Response: thankyou for reviewing.
i'm happy that you like the twists in the story and that you think they have potential.
about that sentence you spoke about, yeah, now mentioned it and i think of it, i think i may have to modify it, thankyou so much for that
:)
i've been having some issues with the extra space and i'll try to fix that too
otherwise, thankyou so much for reading


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Review #5, by Elphaba and Boyfriends Emergency Calls at 4am

7th September 2012:
Hi! Elphaba here with your requested review.

I do like police procedurals, horror stories and dark themes and so far this one seems pretty solid, plot-wise. I like Lena as a character -- she seems tough but haunted by a painful past, which is a good combination.

The biggest issue I have so far is with run-on sentences and comma splices. Here is just one example:

"Lena started to flip through her file, she read the family's name, they were the Stubbs, they were squibs who had gone to hide in the muggle world and act like muggles, the father, Amos, was an electrical engineer and the mother was a teacher, they had two children aged 12 and 15."

I would break this into three or four shorter sentences. There are several other run-on sentences like this one, and I think fixing them would improve the story's pacing. Try reading it out loud and adding periods wherever you pause naturally for breath.

So far I like the mysteries in this story (the disappearances and the murder of Lena's parents - I suppose this means Lee Jordan is dead?).

I also like little canon details like the use of the Defodio spell (I had to look that one up because I'd forgotten about it) and the use of ancient runes. I also like Shacklebolt and your depictions of Rose and James - they're young and green, but seem intelligent and helpful with the case.

It's definitely not bad! :) It's got me interested enough to want to keep reading. :)

Author's Response: thanks for taking the time to read this. thankyou for the pointers and i will definitely work on the sentences.
i'm glad that you liked it and this was really helpful, i will definitely try to improve. :)

xxCartoonheartxx


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