You're amazing at keeping the action flowing. I'll admit, I saw the word count and was a little nervous about starting a new story 4 chapters in, but once I started I couldn't help but keep clicking to the next chapter! Great work, and I'll look forward to reading what happens next! Report Review
Interesting story so far! As a side note, make sure to preview your chapters before posting, because there was a massive blank space at the end of this chapter, which may have been caused by accidentally having your cursor far down the bottom of your text box when entering the chapter in.
Great work otherwise! Report Review
Hi, Elphaba here again!
Wow, first of all, I like there there are several interesting plot twists in this chapter. The first is Shacklebolt's revelation that the squibs are really purebloods in hiding. I really like this twist. It was unexpected and I think it has a lot of potential. Considering that Voldemort had repeatedly tried to get people like the Potters to join him, it makes sense that he would pursue other unwilling pureblood families.
The "ancient dark rituals" involving the Children of the Dark that Shacklebolt refers to sound intriguing but a little vague. I understand that this is probably intentional to build suspense, but I hope that they will be explained further, later on in the story.
Then there's Lena's discovery of Ferro Fiero, who may have murdered her parents in addition to abducting the purebloods-in-hiding. I think this is actually the most interesting facet of the case so far, and I definitely want to learn more as the story continues! :)
The next twist, that the Order of the Phoenix has gained power that seems equivalent to the CIA or MI6, is very unexpected, but I like it as well. I can definitely imagine McGonagall would run a very tight ship. :) Speaking of McGonagall, I like your portrayal of her. She seems very stern, but caring, which is how I remember her from the books.
This sentence confused me a bit: "Of course the Ministry could not have asked because they would have been denied access, but again, they had never thought about asking." Did the Ministry even know that the list existed? You might want to consider revising it, just to make clear why the Ministry wouldn't think to ask for the list.
I did notice quite a few run-on sentences with comma splices, but there weren't quite as many in this chapter as in the first one.
Finally, there's the cliffhanger ending with Dumbledore! I definitely want to read more about that. :) So far your twisty plot has done a good job of keeping me guessing and wondering how the story will continue. :)
This has nothing to do with your writing, but I had to scroll down a long way to get to the review box -- I wonder if some extra returns found their way into the editor when you posted your story? I've had issues with extra space in the editor from time to time, myself.Author's Response: thankyou for reviewing.
i'm happy that you like the twists in the story and that you think they have potential.
about that sentence you spoke about, yeah, now mentioned it and i think of it, i think i may have to modify it, thankyou so much for that
i've been having some issues with the extra space and i'll try to fix that too
otherwise, thankyou so much for reading Report Review
Hi! Elphaba here with your requested review.
I do like police procedurals, horror stories and dark themes and so far this one seems pretty solid, plot-wise. I like Lena as a character -- she seems tough but haunted by a painful past, which is a good combination.
The biggest issue I have so far is with run-on sentences and comma splices. Here is just one example:
"Lena started to flip through her file, she read the family's name, they were the Stubbs, they were squibs who had gone to hide in the muggle world and act like muggles, the father, Amos, was an electrical engineer and the mother was a teacher, they had two children aged 12 and 15."
I would break this into three or four shorter sentences. There are several other run-on sentences like this one, and I think fixing them would improve the story's pacing. Try reading it out loud and adding periods wherever you pause naturally for breath.
So far I like the mysteries in this story (the disappearances and the murder of Lena's parents - I suppose this means Lee Jordan is dead?).
I also like little canon details like the use of the Defodio spell (I had to look that one up because I'd forgotten about it) and the use of ancient runes. I also like Shacklebolt and your depictions of Rose and James - they're young and green, but seem intelligent and helpful with the case.
It's definitely not bad! :) It's got me interested enough to want to keep reading. :)Author's Response: thanks for taking the time to read this. thankyou for the pointers and i will definitely work on the sentences.
i'm glad that you liked it and this was really helpful, i will definitely try to improve. :)
xxCartoonheartxx Report Review
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