Hello! First off, I have to say that your summary was really intriguing. It didn't give much of anything away and, maybe I'm odd, but those are always my favorite types of summaries hehe. And, when I started reading, I didn't even know what I was going to be reading about or who the characters were.
I was happy when I discovered this was about Fred II, because I actually don't read all that much about him usually. I was also happy that you made Fred a Ravenclaw, because I don't think I've ever read that before. And I like how you made who-gets-sorted-who into a competition between the Potter-Weasley clan. I could easily see that happening and it's really amusing hehe.
There were a few nit-picky things I noticed:
- In your first sentence, "A young man coughed into his hand his dark eyes tempting to see past the smoke," I think you meant "attempting" instead of "tempting". I also think you could use a comma in between "hand" and "his dark eyes" to make the sentence flow better, so that it would look like this: "A young man coughed into his hand, his dark eyes attempting to see past the smoke."
- Your punctuation's also a little off in the next sentence: "'Dad' he said reaching into his pocket, however the smoked vanished only a second later". There should actually be a comma after "Dad" but before you close the quotation marks, and I think "smoked" should be "smoke". In addition, the way it's currently written - with "however the smoked vanished only a second later" tacked onto the end - is a confusing and I think grammatically incorrect. Maybe make that phrase into a second sentence and add a more commas to make it flow smoother, so that it would look like this: "'Dad,' he said, reaching into his pocket. However, the smoke vanished only a second later."
I'm not sure if I'm doing a very good job at explaining what's grammatically off. I do recommend checking out the Grammar Guidelines section of the forums - especially if you're confused about dialogue punctuation - or even getting a beta. It's always nice to have a second set of eyes to read something over, just to find typos and point out what doesn't make sense and such (: And I'm sorry if any of my nitpicking offended you or anything...I'm a little bit of an annoying perfectionist so grammar always stands out to me, but you have a lot of great things going on here that stood out to me as well.
I think your strength here is your characters and their relationships with each other. I know it's only been one chapter but, so far, I really like your Fred. It's really easy to relate with his struggle to figure out what he's good at/what his career will be, and I think it's really interesting that you chose to focus on that considering all the pressure that Fred probably has. I mean, he has an incredible namesake to live up to and I imagine everyone's expecting him to do Quidditch or the joke shop, so I'm definitely interested to see if he'll go that route or if he'll surprise everyone and do something completely different (:
Anyway, like I was saying, I like the relationships you introduced here. The teasing friendship between Fred and his friends and how Elliot and Adrian bicker like a married couple and how unexpectedly close Louis apparently is to Fred (which is not really a common friendship in Next-Gen fanfiction, it seems). I'm definitely curious where you're going to take this plot - how Louis' being a Ravenclaw is relevant and what'll come of all this Quidditch madness and whatnot.
I think my main criticism for you, aside from the nitpicking stuff I mentioned earlier, is that this first chapter didn't really feel like a coherent first chapter. Everything just seems a bit all over the place and random. I don't mean to offend you at all, so I hope I'm not! The scenes just didn't really flow together well for me and, at the end of each one, I was left wondering why it had been included. Obviously it will become more apparent as the story progresses, but...I don't know. I guess the whole chapter just felt a little off to me. Like it needed a higher dosage of plot or something, if that makes sense? Obviously this is the first chapter and it's necessary to introduce the characters and set the tone and everything like that, but it also seems like there should be something more here.
Anyway, I look forward to seeing more plot in the future chapters and seeing how you incorporate the quote! I wonder who will be kissing who hehehe (:
Cherry BearAuthor's Response: No no you didn't offend me quite the contrary :) I'm glad you picked up on the grammar because I really really stink at it :P Plus since I had written the chapter in first POV then turned into third POV I think that may have affected it as well, plus it's the first time I write something sort of lighthearted so I'm having trouble not inserting drama into my characters lives :P But I plan to edit the chapter and post it up again (after I finish Chap 15 of BDITS) Which will hopefully be way better than this version :) Thank you for the review :)
lol Even I'm not sure how I'm going to incorporate the quote XD Thanks for the challenge :) Report Review
I love the idea of this story :D I think you have their characters pinned. The only problem I really saw was the spelling. The thing is that it's misspelled words that are still words like 'bored' when you meant broad, or 'on' when you meant one (or vice versa) I thought it was funny how you had the children of rival quidditch teams on the same one, I never thought about that possibility, it will certainly make things interesting :) great job! definitely going in favs :) Happy 1st review!
-HeatherAuthor's Response: *Hoping up and down* Thank you for the review!!! *hugs* *ahem* now that I am done squeeing, those misspellings totally got away from me! (even after re-reading the chapter!) I thought it'd be funny to see some Wood- Flint friendship (and also ironic.) Thank again for the review. Report Review
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