Reading Reviews for Magic like Me
  
3 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Lululuna {BOOM!}

6th January 2014:
Hello, I'm here from review tag! :)

I think you have a great start to a story and some really vivid characters so far! I love how it focuses on Fred II and is from his point of view as there aren't many stories which put the spotlight on him. I love his character here and his friendship with Elliot and Adrian, it made me giggle when they were always betting about things, especially at the Sorting. I like Jordan already, she sounds like a really competitive and ambitious character, and I wonder if she's the love interest mentioned in the summary! I liked how she was constantly on alert for new Quidditch talent as well.

The other Weasley cousins seem interesting as well. I like Louis, he seems so cute and innocent, and I felt sorry for him for being picked on. It did seem a little hypocritical of Fred to pick on the first years but also be angry that other students were bullying Louis, but I'm glad he was standing up for his cousin. The rivalry with Lucy is quite funny as well, and I like how the Hufflepuffs are kind of showing to be the bad guys so far. :P Also, is Lucy in Hufflepuff? I was just wondering because Fred said she was the only other cousin not in Gryffindor, but then Roxanne shrinking down in her seat made it seem like she was sitting next to Lucy when she was being embarassing. You might want to clarify that, like maybe Lucy and Roxy are sitting at different tables but really close to one another or something? :)

It was great to see George and Angelina as well, I laughed at how their kids were so disgusted by their affectionate actions! :) It was very realistic for teens, I think. Something I noticed was that some of the characters' actions/speech seemed a little over the top: for example, Roxy "whined" twice which gave me the impression she was a little annoying, so maybe the second time she speaks, she "complained" or "insisted" or "rolled her eyes"? Just to change it up a bit. Then Fred shouting at Roxy when he fell in the fireplace seemed a little dramatic: maybe he could have "cried out" or "snarled" or "hissed". If he's really shouting, then perhaps someone would have noticed and given him an odd look?

Also, watch out when punctuating dialogue! I noticed quite a few cases where the dialogue tag was improperly written and it is a little distracting in any story! There needs to be a comma before the quotation marks, so for example:

"Your dives are sloppy Elliot" she said should be "Your dives are sloppy Elliot, she said."

The exception is if the text following the dialogue is a separate sentence or idea, like you did at the end of the story.

Also watch out for sentences like this where the dialogue is thrown in the middle:

Adrian looking up from his conversation with Louis "dad got me a Cleansweep 4000" Jordan nodded in approval as her eyes fell on Louis. I think this would fit better as "Adrian looked up from his conversation with Louis. "Dad got me a Cleansweep 4000." Jordan nodded in approval as her eyes fell on Louis." So I've added some punctuation and changed the verb at the beginning to make it a little clearer.

Also be careful of run-on sentences which really just need a comma separating the clauses to be a little clearer. For example: Elliot looked over at Jordan noticing her for the first time that evening as well. This would flow a little smoother if there was a comma after Jordan. :)

There are some helpful dialogue tutorials in the Grammar Guidelines/Writer's Resources section of the forums which I recommend, and a beta might also be helpful in catching the run on sentences and little grammar slip ups! :)

I hope you found this review helpful, I'm sorry if it was a little nitpicky! I really did enjoy reading the story and think you've got something great which just needs a little polishing. Well done! :)

Author's Response: This review was also helpful, this story was that it start as a first person point of view, then since it's not my forte, so as I was trying to switch it from one point of view to another, I really really messed up XD For now this story is on haitus maybe april or march. (Hopefully I'll have a beta by then.)

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Review #2, by Cherry Bear {BOOM!}

23rd August 2012:
Hello! First off, I have to say that your summary was really intriguing. It didn't give much of anything away and, maybe I'm odd, but those are always my favorite types of summaries hehe. And, when I started reading, I didn't even know what I was going to be reading about or who the characters were.

I was happy when I discovered this was about Fred II, because I actually don't read all that much about him usually. I was also happy that you made Fred a Ravenclaw, because I don't think I've ever read that before. And I like how you made who-gets-sorted-who into a competition between the Potter-Weasley clan. I could easily see that happening and it's really amusing hehe.

There were a few nit-picky things I noticed:
- In your first sentence, "A young man coughed into his hand his dark eyes tempting to see past the smoke," I think you meant "attempting" instead of "tempting". I also think you could use a comma in between "hand" and "his dark eyes" to make the sentence flow better, so that it would look like this: "A young man coughed into his hand, his dark eyes attempting to see past the smoke."
- Your punctuation's also a little off in the next sentence: "'Dad' he said reaching into his pocket, however the smoked vanished only a second later". There should actually be a comma after "Dad" but before you close the quotation marks, and I think "smoked" should be "smoke". In addition, the way it's currently written - with "however the smoked vanished only a second later" tacked onto the end - is a confusing and I think grammatically incorrect. Maybe make that phrase into a second sentence and add a more commas to make it flow smoother, so that it would look like this: "'Dad,' he said, reaching into his pocket. However, the smoke vanished only a second later."
I'm not sure if I'm doing a very good job at explaining what's grammatically off. I do recommend checking out the Grammar Guidelines section of the forums - especially if you're confused about dialogue punctuation - or even getting a beta. It's always nice to have a second set of eyes to read something over, just to find typos and point out what doesn't make sense and such (: And I'm sorry if any of my nitpicking offended you or anything...I'm a little bit of an annoying perfectionist so grammar always stands out to me, but you have a lot of great things going on here that stood out to me as well.

I think your strength here is your characters and their relationships with each other. I know it's only been one chapter but, so far, I really like your Fred. It's really easy to relate with his struggle to figure out what he's good at/what his career will be, and I think it's really interesting that you chose to focus on that considering all the pressure that Fred probably has. I mean, he has an incredible namesake to live up to and I imagine everyone's expecting him to do Quidditch or the joke shop, so I'm definitely interested to see if he'll go that route or if he'll surprise everyone and do something completely different (:

Anyway, like I was saying, I like the relationships you introduced here. The teasing friendship between Fred and his friends and how Elliot and Adrian bicker like a married couple and how unexpectedly close Louis apparently is to Fred (which is not really a common friendship in Next-Gen fanfiction, it seems). I'm definitely curious where you're going to take this plot - how Louis' being a Ravenclaw is relevant and what'll come of all this Quidditch madness and whatnot.

I think my main criticism for you, aside from the nitpicking stuff I mentioned earlier, is that this first chapter didn't really feel like a coherent first chapter. Everything just seems a bit all over the place and random. I don't mean to offend you at all, so I hope I'm not! The scenes just didn't really flow together well for me and, at the end of each one, I was left wondering why it had been included. Obviously it will become more apparent as the story progresses, but...I don't know. I guess the whole chapter just felt a little off to me. Like it needed a higher dosage of plot or something, if that makes sense? Obviously this is the first chapter and it's necessary to introduce the characters and set the tone and everything like that, but it also seems like there should be something more here.

Anyway, I look forward to seeing more plot in the future chapters and seeing how you incorporate the quote! I wonder who will be kissing who hehehe (:

Cherry Bear

Author's Response: No no you didn't offend me quite the contrary :) I'm glad you picked up on the grammar because I really really stink at it :P Plus since I had written the chapter in first POV then turned into third POV I think that may have affected it as well, plus it's the first time I write something sort of lighthearted so I'm having trouble not inserting drama into my characters lives :P But I plan to edit the chapter and post it up again (after I finish Chap 15 of BDITS) Which will hopefully be way better than this version :) Thank you for the review :)

lol Even I'm not sure how I'm going to incorporate the quote XD Thanks for the challenge :)


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Review #3, by Owlpost68 {BOOM!}

16th August 2012:
I love the idea of this story :D I think you have their characters pinned. The only problem I really saw was the spelling. The thing is that it's misspelled words that are still words like 'bored' when you meant broad, or 'on' when you meant one (or vice versa) I thought it was funny how you had the children of rival quidditch teams on the same one, I never thought about that possibility, it will certainly make things interesting :) great job! definitely going in favs :) Happy 1st review!
-Heather

Author's Response: *Hoping up and down* Thank you for the review!!! *hugs* *ahem* now that I am done squeeing, those misspellings totally got away from me! (even after re-reading the chapter!) I thought it'd be funny to see some Wood- Flint friendship (and also ironic.) Thank again for the review.

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