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4 Reviews Found

Review #1, by EnigmaticEyes16 I don't know how to tell you...

13th February 2013:
I really enjoyed reading this. I thought your story was an excellent portrayal of what could have actually happened after that fated day where Severus loses Lily. I especially liked the comment about how it was probably best Remus didn't try to help Snape as he could have blurted out to everyone about him being a werewolf, and that REALLY would have been bad. Although, it surprised me that he just blurted it out to Lily like that, but at the same time it kinda makes sense that he'd want to clear the air after Lily unfriended Snape so that she at least knows the truth, not just about him, but about James as well. I liked the ending and how she considers going out with James, even if just to get back at Snape.

I thought this was very well written. I did not see a single mistake or issue. All in all this was a really good one-shot.

xxEnigmaticEyes16

Author's Response: Hi, thanks for the review! :)

I threw Remus into the mix, and then debated with myself over whether I should leave him in, so I'm glad that it makes sense even if it comes as a surprise. My thinking was that he would feel guilty for not doing anything at the lake ... I also think their situations were somewhat similar, though his could be kept secret. I think he would want to trust her, though.

I'm glad you like the ending, too ... that was another part I debated with myself about. :)


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Review #2, by adluvshp I don't know how to tell you...

22nd January 2013:
Here for Slytherin review tag!

Ah, I loved this one-shot!! You have crafted Lily so wonderfully, it just seems so much like her, its perfect! I loved all the reflections she went through, about Snape, and later about James. The ending had a humorous edge to it in a way, of her finding the idea of going out with James outrageous, when we know she does it later on. The way Lily's thought-process went, I didnt feel much sympathy with Snape and could almost agree with her every thought, which is a feat seeing that I always manage to somehow sympathise with Snape.

Your descriptions were nicely crafted, and I enjoyed the plot and the concept this one-shot revolved around. The whole idea of "dumping a friend" and Lily executing it, and thinking over it, was nicely done.

So, I have to say, this was a very well-written story, and I really enjoyed reading it. All your characterisations were spot-on (I loved Remus here too), and your over all narrative was lovely. The pace, flow, structure, and grammar was all perfect too.

Great work!!

10/10

Cheers!
AD
(AditiDraco95)

Author's Response: Wow, thank you! I have always felt sympathy for Snape, myself, but I really wanted to try and capture how Lily would feel in that moment.

I also wanted to establish a tiny glimmer of interest in James, since I couldn't imagine her shifting from totally hating him to marrying him -- I've always figured there had to be something there.

I'm glad you liked Remus, too. I have a tendency to worm him into everything I write, and I thought that Lily might sympathize with him as a fellow outsider.

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! :)


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Review #3, by academica I don't know how to tell you...

22nd August 2012:
Hello! I'm here with your requested review!

For the most part, I really love your characterization of Lily and her failed friendship with Severus. I can really see her agonizing over much of this piece - who is he really? What will he become? How long can she make excuses before she has to accept that he's really and truly gone? I thought the way you led up to the dreaded word was nice as well, and I could easily follow Lily's train of thought. I've often considered that one word maybe should not be enough to break such a long friendship, even a word so heinous, because people say things they don't mean all the time. Here, though, her decision to cut the cord makes sense, and I'm glad you added all that context. I also love how Lily seems to really wrestle with her decision; she seems to continue making excuses for him and analyzing him after the word has been said, after she has stated that she wants revenge. Again, this is the sort of emotional complexity I look for when reading (and writing) a Snily story.

One little nitpick - when you make reference to 'the something dark,' I think that would actually flow better if you dropped the 'the' at the beginning.

Did people ever really change, or did they just become more like who they always were?

^Love this. I think it's a profound statement and something I can really imagine Lily thinking.

To be honest, though, I feel like Lily's characterization fell apart for me at the end. Her actions seemed much more rash and vindictive, which isn't the impression I got from the tossing and turning in the first half of the story. I would have liked to see how Snape reacted to her blithely tossing aside his apology, and I would think that she would have more of a reaction to Remus's confession given that she had cited the werewolf thing as being another of Severus's lies earlier. I'm also not a huge fan of how she just decided to ask James out at the end; Lily doesn't seem like the kind of girl to hide her true feelings in order to get back at someone, not when it would cause her more grief. Also, your statement about Severus telling her that Frank was boring - I interpreted that as a helpful move, in terms of helping her let Frank go, as opposed to merely a selfish one. I would have just liked to see more of that ambiguity that I loved in the first half of this piece, that's all. I think this idea of rashness sort of extends to the title and banner of this story as well, to be perfectly honest; why go on about how difficult it is to stop making excuses for Severus if she can simply "unfriend" him?

So, if I were to suggest any changes, it would be to go back and thread that theme of indecision and emotional distress throughout the rest of the piece. I find that characterization of Lily to be more interesting and realistic than Lily in the last half. If she wants to ask James out, if she wants to accept Remus, I think that's fine. I just think the piece would be improved if I better understand what factors went into her making those decisions, like I saw with her decision to finally cut Snape out.

Good job! I hope this review is helpful (and not too harsh!) :)

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hi, thanks very much for your review! No, I don't think it is too harsh. I think you make some good points. I have done a bit of revising to the later half (nothing posted, yet), and think I will do a little more, now. :)

I avoided describing the details of Severus's apology and her reaction because it is already depicted in The Prince's Tale, and instead focused on the before and after. My intention was to say that she made herself stone-like in order to get through it without breaking down, so I may just need to do a better job of describing that.

I didn't intend the idea about James at the end to appear purely vindictive -- I think she's finally admitting to herself that she finds him attractive despite his arrogance, and she's more just allowing herself to think it rather than actually making a decision. So, yes, that part definitely needs some work, and I will work on it. :)

Thanks again!


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Review #4, by caoty I don't know how to tell you...

17th August 2012:
Hi, I'm here from Review Tag.

So, anachronistic titles aside (I assume that's because of the prompt you got for the challenge, though), I like this piece and how you expanded on a moment in canon which, surprisingly, doesn't often form the main plot of a fic.
So kudos for the concept, first of all.

Your characterisation of Lily was nearly pitch-perfect too, so well done on that. The awesome things about Lily - her loyalty, her pride and her compassion - come out well here without making her seem like a Purity Sue.

However, there are two things which I felt were slightly OOC: her reaction to Remus' lycanthropy - she first thinks it's an absolute insane idea that he could even possibly be anything even vaguely resembling a werewolf, but then when he turns out he is, it's like it's not even news - and her implied decision to ask James out even though she hates him just to spite Severus.
I think you could have done without mentioning the latter at all, really, and have her confident on her own leaving the past behind. That's just my opinion, though.

Also, tiny technical thing (ooh, alliteration): Marauders begins with a capital letter 'cause it's a proper noun in this context.

Anyway, keep up the good work, and I'll see you around. :)

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! I couldn't resist going with the facebook theme for the banner once I started writing. :)

I am finding I'm rather bad at knowing when to capitalize, so thanks for pointing out the Marauders thing.

I do think the OOC thing with Lily hating James is a difference of opinion. I don't think she ever really HATED him. Maybe she "hated" him, but I also believe there was an attraction lurking as well that she just didn't want to acknowledge, and now she is finally begrudgingly admitting to it.

Her reaction to Remus is one that I think I do need to revise a bit -- I did have a nugget of doubt in her mind in an earlier draft that got edited out for some reason, so perhaps I should put it back in.

Thanks for your feedback!


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