Hellooo there! Thank you for joining my challenge. I feel honored to read your entry.
I'm happy you chose to explore Lily's feelings/thoughts about Snape, I was worried no one would and she was one of the characters I was dying to read about. I simply loved the emotional tone of this one shot. It was bitter sweet reading about their last interaction after so much time had passed. After so many things that happened. I'm happy that Lily pushed forward in trying to make Snape forgive himself. I really do think he deserved some peace. If not in life, then surely he deserved it in death.
I appreciate that she didn't lie to him during his final moments with her, that she was straightforward about her true feelings for him. I think that pushed him, for the first time in his life, to actually accept that she considered him to be just a very good friend, nothing more. And I think that Snape needed full acceptance of that fact. You can't move on always ignoring or pushing to the back of your mind real facts. I have the impression that deep down, he always knew that Lily would have never loved him back with the same kind of love he had for her. His only problem, that I think is the root to all of his continuous turmoil during life is that he never accepted that. I'm glad that he found the strength to do that in the afterlife.
You wrote a very sweet one shot dear. As a minor suggestion, I think you should go over it a few times and edit it here and there. There are a few letters missing from some words, some misspells. Nothing serious enough to disrupt the flow of the story but I think fixing them would improve your story greatly.
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I think you really chose a great time to write about, and I like to hope that Severus did find peace after his death. One thing that struck out was that you didn't have Lily ignoring the fact she loved James, I see a lot in this sort of piece, that even though she tells Severus she didn't love him that way, James isn't ever mentioned, nor his treatment of Harry, so I really loved that you included both of those things in this.
I think your dialogue was good, there were a few parts where it felt rather formal, but their conversation was natural as well as the progression of it.
My comments about characterizations. Part of me almost feels like Lily is too nice with him, although I understand it would be her job to be nice to him to help him cross over. She doesn't seem to dwell on the fact that Severus was horrible to Harry, that it was because of Severus refusing to teach him that Harry's mind was invaded and Sirius murdered. But, I also would hope that the afterlife gave you a sense of piece that let those kinds of anger go, I just don't know how easy a mother would get over that kind of someone being so harsh on her son. Maybe during that part her simply staying silent, not forgiving Severus for what he did nor condemning him for it, would be the best.
I really liked that you had Lily making it clear to him that she always loved him as a friend, and though it never would have been more than that, he could at least have kept that friendship if he hadn't chosen power.
Severus seemed in character here, his own self loathing came through clear and I think that's a very difficult thing to do realistically. He seems very open, but then again what is the point in not being open when, after so long, you're faced with the person you've been dreaming about? I really liked the bit of anger he felt at first, wondering why she was there, mad because she'd already haunted him for so long in his living years. It was a really great touch.
Your details in this built a nice amount of imagery, I knew what was going on as well as understood where these characters were. I noticed a few paragraphs where you use the same descriptive words and adverbs, but that didn't distract from the story so I wouldn't worry.
I think you got a good hold on these characters, like i pointed out, there are a few things that I think can really make them feel more 'Lily and Snape' but I also think that they stand strong just how they are.
I hope this was helpful!
Thanks for requesting! JamiAuthor's Response: Hi Jami! Thank you for stopping by and doing a review for me!
I had a hard time finding a balance with Lily's dialog. academica also commented on her dialog so I am going to be working on it a little more. I was attempting to get across that in death and being able to have more perspective that she was able to get past most of the anger. However I do agree that I have her coming off as too nice and gentle with the subject of Severus's treatment of Harry.
I glad you feel that the anger is appropriate at the beginning. I didn't want him to believe, right away, that she was there to help, more like she was there to make him pay for his sins. I wanted him to be open with Lily, but not too open right away. So I might go back and ease him into a little more.
I shall have to go back and check the imagery descriptions. I try not to use the same word over in one paragraph, but I might have been focuses too much on the characters to notice.
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Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)
Yay, a Snily (even an unrequited one)! -cheers- I don't get these in my thread nearly often enough. I really like the idea of Snape and Lily meeting up in "their place," and it's nice to think that they could regain their youth after years of stress in life. I liked the way you took the time to describe how it feels to die and then be brought into the afterlife.
My major critique here is that I felt like the emotion was a little two-dimensional. What I mean is that I expected such a tense reunion to be more awkward, despite the fact that people may mature and become more omniscient after death. Specifically, I thought that Snape would be less quick to apologize for his treatment of Harry, and I thought that Lily would be slower to forgive him for that. I also don't know if I buy the idea of James and Sirius deciding not to hold grudges against Snape anymore - James, perhaps, but Sirius doesn't really have a positive version of him to compare his assumptions to, aside from Snape looking after Harry. Then, at the end, I wasn't certain about Snape letting go of Lily so easily. I did like that Lily stood her ground about her feelings, although it hurt my little shipper heart a little ;) I especially liked her distinction between needing and loving her; I think it sums up a lot about the difference between Snape and James in terms of Lily.
I also spotted a few technical errors, i.e. missing apostrophes, potential missing commas, and the like. I don't think it's a major problem, and it didn't detract all that much from the piece for me, but it's something to look out for when proofreading.
I thought Lily and Snape's conversation flowed well here. I liked how it was open and honest and I think you did a good job of accomplishing what you stated in your request, though obviously I don't know if it's the tack that I would have taken. Overall, though, I think you did a great job here.
I hope this review is helpful!
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for the review and yes your review has been extremely helpful. I loved my idea, but I felt something was off and I think you hit it on head; the emotions are not flushed out enough. I think I was just so excited by my concept that I pushed the story out too quickly. I am defiantly going back and adding to the story so I can flush out the emotion and I agree there does need to be tension, not just surprise.
I agree I think putting Sirius in there was a little much. He did not really have the time to come to terms with the issues between him and Snape as James had.
I have an idea how to fix Snape's letting go without having to change this from a one shot. I felt it was too quick to be believable.
I am happy you agree with my choice of description for the difference between James's love for Lily and Snape's love for her. I was worried that people would feel that it was not correct, which is one of the reason I requested a review from you. I remembered how much you like Snape and Snape/Lily stories so I knew you would let me know if I was way off base. :) Though I am sorry it hurt your shipper heart. :)
I will be having this story beta'd to eliminate technical errors. I always miss those, oh well.
I can understand why you may not have gone with this track, your shipper heart for one. :) There are so many different directions to go. I really wanted to stick with the whole destiny idea connected to the prophecy and all. That and well I am a Lily/James fan all the way. :) LOL!
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