The photos, sketches and ring thing is so sweet. You had me almost in tears for some of it and in other parts I couldn't help but smile.
I really like how you have portrayed James' parents, an their interaction with her dad.
Update soon xx Report Review
Hi, Elphaba back again! Sorry for being a bit slow this time.
I like that while this chapter is more humorous (especially James and Sirius) there is still a touch of sadness to it as well. It would be very weird if everyone were suddenly happy.
I also like the relationship dynamics you establish between Angie, James and Sirius; epitomized by this sentence: "I sigh, feeling like a mother with two rambunctious, but loving, three year olds." Both James and Sirius seem in-character, as well; a bit annoying but fundamentally decent to anyone but Snape. :)
I did notice a couple of nit-picky issues. One is the redundant use of ceiling in this sentence: "My eyes travel all the way to the ceiling, although the steam disappears halfway between the cup and the ceiling." I like the visual image and the connection it establishes between her and her father, I just wonder if the second ceiling could be replaced with another word (maybe what's on the ceiling, for instance: tiles, plaster?).
The other one is with the unveiling of the surprise gift: "At the bottom of the bag, neatly folded, are the prettiest set of dress I've ever seen. I pull the dress out of the bag." I assume that either "robes" was supposed to follow "dress" and just didn't make it in, or "set of" was supposed to be deleted. I think either way would work, although I always picture witches' dress robes looking more dress-like than robe-like. :)
I was going to say that people in the Marauders Era probably didn't say "legit" until I looked it up and found that it's been in use for over a 100 years! So never mind, I didn't spot any anachronistic slang. :)
Finally, I like the last line in this chapter: "No need to be ashamed of yours, Gerry." It adds a final touch of sadness to the scene, even after everyone has been joking with one another. I really like that you give emotional depth to the characters and their relationships.
I'm looking forward to another chapter! :) Report Review
I love your story. Keep up the great work. I look forward to reading the next chapter. :) Report Review
I quite like her and her dad already! He's cursing but caring, and I like that little bit of a background on her mum, especially with how it ties in with that day being the anniversary of her death. I like the scenes you chose to show us; they set up a mood pretty well, and hint a lot of what's to come.
A lot of the beginning section has sentences that use the same structure and that are about the same length, such as 'I [verb] ... [preposition] ...' It can be used very effectively to make sentences stand out, but it can sound repetitive if used too much. I think it is a little too much here, but you can combine some of the sentences to form some very nice description, and you do set the scenes up well, so it's just a matter of flow :) Some of the sentences are a bit abrupt sounding because of their length, so I think joining some sentences will help on that end as well.
Good start! :) Report Review
Hi! Elphaba here, responding to your review request.
Okay, so right away I noticed that your story is quite well-written. I really like how you engage all the senses in your description -- sight, sound, touch, smell and even taste (the decent eggs).
The dream sequence drew me in right away, and I suspect that there may be some foreshadowing going on here, as well. :) One small thing I noticed during this sequence is the sentence: "The sun nor moon can reach here." I think that in order to use "nor" correctly, you need to use "Neither" first, so it would be "Neither the sun nor moon can reach here." It's minor, but the sentence will make more sense, then.
I will say that I was expecting more of a light comedy from your summary. Don't get me wrong, I do really like what you've posted so far! I like how Angie and her father have different ways of dealing with her mother's death. I really like that you included the detail about the grave being empty, it adds an extra bit of tragedy to the scene.
Okay, so this is a nit-picky canon detail, but I think 1962 is a tad early for Voldemort's followers to be killing people, since he was supposedly "laying low" around this time. Her father does say that they "weren't even at large" then, which is correct, but if you bump the year of her mother's death forward just a few years (3?) it may fit a little more realistically with the generally accepted timeline for Voldemort's first rise to power (1970). Hopefully that wouldn't cause too may headaches with your OC's timeline! She would still be very young at the time of her mother's death.
I think that since you address her mother's death, then you may want to add "angst" or "drama" as a genre category -- this may actually bring in more readers, since it will show up in more search results.
I also like the banner a lot, as it helps to explain the relationships between characters. I laughed when Lily's picture was scribbled out! :) I think adding a few details from the banner to your summary may also be a good way to flesh it out.
I am intrigued by the family relationship between your OC and the Potters since a cousin is never mentioned in the books. I am definitely interested in continuing on and learning more about both Angelina and this epic love game, so great job!Author's Response: Hi, Elphaba! Thanks for getting to this quickly :D
My story is well-written? Thank you so much! I've just come out of a writer's block, so it's great to hear that!
Possible foreshadowing, possible symbolism, possible...anything ;) Yeah, I took that dream sequence from my first draft of this story and didn't do much of a spell check there, but I just resubmitted the chapter and fixed it :)
Yes, this story is a comedy, but I wanted to establish something dark and important here so we can eventually get to the funny stuff ;) I'm glad you liked it, though! I'm not an angsty writer, so it's great to hear that you enjoyed it.
I know it's not very canon, but I wanted something for Angie's dad to be really passionate and depressed about. You're right, though (should've done my research - ugh, I fail :P), so I'll definitely bump the year. It'll be no issue to Angie. Thank you very much for your help with that!
Yes, I did add angst to the genre category, but drama's sounding a little better now... Thanks for the tip!
I'm really happy you like the banner! (Gosh, that took a while for me to make; I really appreciate it! *hugs*) Okay, I'll keep your advice in mind and edit the summary :)
Thank you so much for the amazing review! You've been extremely helpful, and I really appreciate it! Thanks! Report Review
Hey there, marissa lily potter here with the review you requested.
I think you started the story off well. There was a lot of intrigue and suspense which kept me going but the intrigue and suspense was borderline confusion at some parts in the chapter. I know that you'll probably get to the plot and develop it more as the story gets on but it was a bit confusing which could potentially throw off readers.
The spelling/grammar was great! I am very pleased to say that I didn't spot any errors which is always nice and makes the chapter more fun to read. I think that this story has a lot of potential. The only thing I would recommend is to characterize Angie a bit better. She's really vague right now and personally, as a reader myself, I love to be able to relate to the characters which can't be done if they're not fully developed.
Overall, great work. I think you've got great potential and I wish you luck with your story! I would love to see how this plays out and once you've got another chapter up, feel free to re-request!
MarissaAuthor's Response: Hi, Marissa! Thanks for getting to this so quickly :D
Ugh, that always happens to me! My first chapters are usually quite wobbly, but I'll definitely smooth things out in future chapters and edits :P Thanks for pointing that out, hon. I'll fix it, for sure.
Oh, yay! No grammar/spelling is awesome to hear :D I try to be careful about that, haha. Okay, I'll definitely characterize Angie better. I'm glad you liked reading this, though :D
Thank you so much! You've been so helpful; I'll definitely re-request! Report Review
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