Wow! I can't wait to see what happens next! This was a really great chapter! I can see how time travel could get messy, considering if Remus dies, Teddy will cease to exist. (Ugh, time travel confuses me. Would Teddy just go poof?) ;)
I really like how you write, especially in this chapter. The description is very well crafted, as is the use of dialogue. I think your dialogue is even stronger in this chapter, and I look forward to seeing how it progresses in the next!
It's interesting to see the side of the story from the werewolves (through the dialogue of the Alpha), considering normally it's just from Remus' point of view because there is always two sides to a story and I like how you showed that too. This is really interesting!
I've started to get used to the indents in the formatting and it doesn't interrupt the flow any more!
I'm sorry but I still would like the chapter to be a little longer, but the shortness makes it very engaging, so I can't complain about that!
Great chapter, looking forward to the next!
Emma x Report Review
Oh... Remus! That was a surprise! That must be awkward for Teddy though, I can honestly say I have no idea how I would react!
This was another really enjoyable chapter! I still think I'd like them a little longer and the pacing to be a little slower, but I am really enjoying this so far!
Teddy is really starting to form in my mind, and considering I have never really read stories like this before, I like this one!
The flow is good and I didn't spot any mistakes in tense/grammar/spelling. I do like your writing style and your description is still very strong. The dialogue is also great.
I'm starting to see more of Fenrir, though he does seem too compassionate (that word fits better than nice, like I left in my last review) for the character that JK established in the books, but again that could be personal preference!
I wonder what will happen when (if) Fenrir finds out who Teddy is! Uh oh... :)
Another great chapter, I'm going to read chapter four now!
Emma x Report Review
It was Greyback! I was wondering who it was (and a really weird part of me wondered if it was Remus - but that would just be odd).
I really enjoyed this chapter! The way you write dialogue seems natural and realistic, something I'm awful at. Also, your description is also great and vivid.
Once more, I'd have liked a little more to this, maybe for it to be stretched out a little longer.
I like your portrayal of Teddy, but Greyback seems a little too... nice? No, nice isn't the word, but he seems like the sort of person who would bite-and-run (if that even makes sense) or maybe even kill someone. But I haven't read many stories about him, so once more it could be just my opinion. :)
Everything else was really well done! I'm just about to read the next chapter!
Emma x Report Review
Hey Mike! I'm here to review!
Firstly, this is awesome! I don't tend to read many werewolf stories (or time turner stories to be perfectly honest), but I love the way you write them! I think your description is beautiful, also.
However, I think that it would be nicer if this chapter was a little longer. It seemed to go a little too fast and I would have liked to have gone a little steadier! Also, the indents in the paragraphs seem to interrupt the flow a little, but that could just be a personal thing.
Despite that, I love what you have done with this so far! I really like how you have described Teddy (and the wolf)! 8/10
Emma x Report Review
Hi there, darling! After our realization on live stream that we've never read anything of each others, I wanted to come by!
I hardly read anything that features Teddy. Not for any reason, I just never come across something that is about him that doesn't also wrap around all the next gen drama, so I was really excited about the time turner werewolf aspects of this!
Ohh I hope Harry picked up on how suspicious Teddy was being! And I loved that you had Victoire wanting to accompany him. That shows a lot about their relationship in just that small sentence. She's clearly brave, and she cares enough about her (husband or bf at this time? I'm not sure) to want to join him on this dangerous journey.
But of course he doesn't let her. Because he's stubborn, like all the men in the world. Your kind really needs to work on that :P
Oh god! Teddy's on a suicide mission, isn't he? You really put me on the edge of my seat with this ending. Was it Remus? Is he really going to be turned into a werewolf? So many exciting questions that make me want to read on!
I really think you have such a creative and original start. If I could suggest anything, it would be letting your scenes play out more. Maybe more description would do the trick for that.
---He started to run into the forest to get to a certain depth inside. He wasn’t sure how much it would have changed over the years but he was sure it couldn’t be too much. He ran into it, a feeling of fear creeping into his spine as his lost sight of the entrance and a maze of trees was all he could see. He shivered in the cold February air, his breath ghosted in front of him as he ran.---
The last sentence on that is really, really awesome. So just adding a bit more of that to really paint us a picture, like:
He started to run into the forest, wanting to get deep into the cover of dark greens and tower branches. He wasn’t sure how much it would have changed over the years but he was sure it couldn’t be too much. As he ran farther, ignoring the sounds of the snapping twigs that seemed to echo in ever direction, a feeling of fear crept into his spine. He looked around, his eyes darting in every direction, and realized that he lost sight of the entrance. He was completely submerged in the maze of trees and and shadows. He shivered in the cold February air, his breath ghosted in front of him as he ran--
I only added a few things, but it kind of gives a clearer picture of how eerie the forest is.
Your writing is really smooth, and your sentence structure is really clean. I love that, because it makes it so easy to get lost in the story.
I really loved this first chapter, m'dear! I'm excited to read the next!!
Jami Report Review
Another chapter! I was so excited when I saw this!
I hate this Alpha. He took him! Poor Remus. It was great hearing that little back story about Remus' dad, is that why he was brought to the pack in the first place? I wasn't expecting Fenrir to be so protective-like of him, the "Remus can't die" bit, but I liked it. It makes me really want to know more about this situation.
There is a great big WHY screaming at me! I can't wait for the next chapter, Mike!
Sam. Report Review
:O REMUS! He's, what, eight years old? And adorable. I wanted to hug him and tell him everything was okay.
I love that Greyback has that level of compassion, for Teddy and Remus. Which is why I imagine this to be before he became the evil person we see him as in Harry's eyes. But after hearing all those stories, I'd have thought Teddy wouldn't be so friendly with him, even if he was a great actor. He wouldn't be able to keep everything from him, if he had hated him. So it's interesting to know what he's been told.
How does Greyback know his name?
I can't wait for the next chapter, Mike.
Sam. Report Review
AH! What happened to the children? I'm actually excited to find out *loves the mystery of it all*
And a nice-ish Greyback; I do love how you write Greyback. This is poor everything happened, right? Well, him being really bad. will this be like finding out how. That would be quite cool. 1968; has Remus being bitten yet? From the "you look like a Lupin, Greyback knows them, but has he?
Also love the idea of having a pack. That is cool.
I can't wait to find out. Awesome, Mike.
Sam. Report Review
Ooh. Action from the very beginning, I love that! But being bitten? I was NOT expecting that! Teddy a werewolf? I am both happy and sad, poor Teddy being bitten by a wolf as soon as he got there. Well, he shouldn't have apparated into the forbidden forest. :P
I love this already, Mike. :)
Sam. Report Review
Mike! Yay for writing!
I love Teddy, so I'm stoked you're using him:D Awwe, why didn't he let Victoire come with him?:( What a meanie. I'm really excited to see exactly how much he's going to change, no matter how dangerous it is. that last scene was intense!
Ever Report Review
So Fenrir is sticking up for him? I wonder why? And I'm worried about the child if Fenrir said that the others died. I wonder why they are laid in furs? Is it to keep them warm? I wonder when Fenrir will turn into the monster that everyone says that he is? Unless everyone has misunderstood him and he does show remorse for everything he's done?
Oh awesome he gets his wand and bag back that's good for Teddy at least.
Oh my! Oh wow I was not expecting that at all! Oh wow I really can't wait for the next chapter now!
That was amazing! You wrote that wonderfully and I love how you write Fenrir, You're like the king of werewolf stories :-D
I'm definately favouriting this story! Report Review
Oh my it's Fenrir Greyback, I like that he's bandaging Teddy and saving him, I would have imagined that he would have left him in the forest.
oo I liked that he said that he looked like a Lupin, Fenrir is quite funny actually, maybe he's not as bad as everyone makes out?
Oo Teddy is in a werewolf camp? I wonder how he'll take to being a werewolf, and how long it'll be until he see's his father? Another great chapter, I can't wait to see how everything is going to pan out with the werewolves and Remus. Report Review
Oh wow this is a very good first chapter, I love that Teddy is going to go back in time to find his father, although I'm scared that his use of the timeturners is going to go wrong at some time.
When that wolf bit Teddy I was so scared, I wonder if he's going to be a werewolf now? And if he's going to get his backpack back?
I can't wait to read more, that was such a great first chapter! You wrote that very well, that scene with the wolf was so scary. Report Review
Nothing like a big "ooops" thrown in there to make life really interesting! Good twist. Report Review
Still interesting, if not a bit short. I like this characterization of Greyback in "earlier times". Report Review
Interesting plot. You know I like time travel. The only thing about this chapter is that it feels a bit rushed. The interaction between a tired Harry and a fleeing Teddy is good, though. That's how it would happen, I think. I would only add one little thing - a short paragraph or two describing the device and its invention. Other than that, good plot and quite interesting. Report Review
Heya! Perelandra here from the review swap!:D Sorry it took a while to get here...I had to eat. hahaha!
Aside from my own fic, yours have been the only other one that features werewolves! So I'm excited to read this! Just so you know, I'll be reviewing this as I read along!
I'm glad that you pointed out that the timeturner was a new model. Some authors forget that the entire batch of timeturners were destroyed during Harry's 5th year. However, wish I knew what the other device looks like. So maybe a little description would be needed along the story.
I like Teddy's characterization though! He seems like a young man who really wants to get to know his father and what had happened to cause him to stop writing.
And was Teddy just bitten by Remus?! Whaaa!
I have two critiques though! Nothing bad, though. The first one is that this chapter felt a bit too rushed. Like everything happened almost immediately instead of you taking your time. The second kind of goes with the rush feeling. Description and imagery. If you had added a bit more of that, telling the reader where we are, how Teddy feels, the 'mood' of the chapter, you'd make the chapter longer and feel less rushed.
Anyway! I can't comment much on the plot since this is still the first chapter. I'm interested though!
Thank for the review swap! :D
--Rosie Report Review
Mike! Such an interesting beginning already I love it. Teddy seems like such an awesome character, willing to take a risk in life and in a way now he's paying the price as he's been bitten. Bit of a silly lad but oh well, I'm sure you'll find a way for Teddy to have fun. Hopefully!
This is actually a nice refreshing change from what I usually read Mike, and it seems like already you're having lots of fun writing it so I'm glad your shameless self promoting brought me here!
To improve maybe you could have more of a descriptive beginning and some explanations behind the new inventions allowing them to go back in time? Just try and go into a bit more detail because I was really interested and making it up in my head isn't as reassuring when you have a definite answer, you know?
Other than that everything else was good, I particularly liked the Uncle Harry touch. I mean Harry only called his godfather by his first name but it already shows they both care for each other a lot!
A really nice beginning to what I hope will become an epic tale of werewolf-ism and maybe we'll see Fennell somewhere!
BexAuthor's Response: Thanks Bex! Glad you liked the beginning! Teddy is quite fun to write and I'm enjoying his character as well xD He shall sometime :D
WOO! Shameless self promotion pros! xD Woop woop! :D
Hmm, yeah I should go edit that a bit. I will sometime :D
Glad you liked that touch! Not sure what compelled me to write that but it happened! Glad it worked out :D
You'll see FenRIR in there :p
-Mike. Report Review
MIKE! WHAT SORT OF A CLIFFIE WAS THAT? *flails* You're a bad person, I hope you know that.
Right. Teddy really needs to let Greyback in on the secret, because he's going to have a really hard time keeping it all stchum. Additionally- wasn't it Greyback who bit Remus? OMG TENSION.
I love how you write werewolves, it's all so natural :P Do you write werewolves a lot? I love how you slotted in Teddy's metamorphagus abilities and Teddy trying to pretend he's lost his memory is hilarious :P
This is a brilliant fic, and I can't wait for more, you evil person :(
- JennyAuthor's Response: IT WAS A MEAN CLIFFIE. THAT'S WHAT. I do :D You just told me!
MWahahaha. You'll learn al about that soon. Mwahaha.
Thanks! :D Well, werewolves are natural so ;) And I do :p Hehe thanks! I like Teddy. He's fun to write.
THANKS JENNY! I promise I'll update sooon!
-Mike. Report Review
Wow, this was awesome! I probably mentioned this already, but I love what you're doing with Fenrir's character. It's nice to read him like this since in the books (and most fanfincs I've read) he's always made out to be so evil. I also love your characterization of Teddy! It's awesome! :D
Omg! The end! D: why do you leave cliffies like this??
Awesome job Mike! :D You should definitely update soon!!
~MaggieAuthor's Response: Hey Maggie!!
Aha thanks! And Fenrir is fun to write, he wasn't always bad/evil/insaneish. :p Although wait till the later chapters. Heh. And thanks! :D I love Teddy, he's pretty fun to write :P
I love them? Hehehehe. >:D
Thanks Maggie! (h) I definitely will as soon as the next chap is done :D
-Mike Report Review
Oh dear. My heart is crying already. It will probably bleed next chapter.Author's Response: Oh I'm sorry? :p I'm so happy you're reading and reviewing! :D Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Fenrir being kind? Er. considering his character in the books, this is kind of strange but I do like the story. Poor Teddy.Author's Response: Hehe. Well he is only 18 in this story I believe! :p Thanks for reviewing and I'm glad you like the story! Poor Teddy indeed. Report Review
Hello Mike! I'm here with your first review from the HPPC Challenge that took place beyond forever ago! (Sorry!) Since it's been such a long time coming, I won't stall with getting to the actual reviewing part! ^.^
First off, I think this story has a lot of potential. The idea behind it is intriguing; the way this first chapter shows restraint by not telling us the specific details about Teddy's choice to go back in time, simply generalizing that it has something to do with his dad, makes me want to know what exactly it is he's trying to figure out and potentially alter. However, while the big picture is good, there are a lot of small details that I feel aren't doing you any favors. Let's start from the top!
One of the biggest things that sticks out to me is how rushed I feel this chapter is. I would say, that for the most part, you're a minimalist writer. Sometimes that's a brilliant technique, but I feel like you skipped over too many small moments that would have sincerely helped the flow of the story. It becomes too choppy and too scarce, so I'd suggest trying to find a balance between the two worlds. Use details to make sure there are no holes in your writing and use minimalism during moments you want to land poignantly. I would especially consider reworking the opening paragraph. I mean, how did Teddy sneak into the Ministry? And how did he do it with so few obstacles? Why wasn't there any sort of security blocking such potentially dangerous and valuable items? I feel like I need more explanation to accept that Teddy simply snuck into the Ministry of Magic (which I would assume has only tightened in security, considering the fact that it was once infiltrated by death eaters) and walked out with stolen items no questions asked. See what I mean? Details, friend! ^.^
Something else I notice that you do a lot of is repeat the same word or phrase within close proximity of each other so that it sounds repetitive and clutters your writing. Examples:
"He wanted to go back in time (while) in the forbidden forest, where he wouldn't be seen by anyone, but had a very high chance of being attacked by something as soon as he warped back in time." - 'back in time'
"The wolf bounded past him, causing Teddy to... The wolf growled into his face and Teddy whimpered in fear. The wolf lunged, pinning Teddy to the tree." - Every sentence started with 'The wolf'. The paragraph also ends with those words and the paragraph that precedes this one also starts with 'The wolf' and repeats a few times.
"He wasn't sure how much the forest has changed over the years(,) but he was sure it couldn't be too much." - You change tenses here: 'has' should be 'had'. Also, I would change the second 'much' to 'different' so it doesn't repeat.
"He started to run, running into the forest to get to a certain depth inside." - 'run' followed by 'running' is repetitive and doesn't flow well. Also, this whole sentence reads pretty wonky. This is a perfect example of rushing through small moments where you could add little details for realism. Maybe rephrase and extend it into something more like this: "He sped his walk into a light jog as the horizon of trees came into view, hoping he wouldn't attract unwanted attention with his brisk new pace. When he reached the forests edge, however, he didn't hesitate to dig his heels into the solid ground and jump into an all out sprint, anticipation fueling his every step; the pain in his constricted chest practically non-existent as he thought only of how close he now was... He continued to race deeper into the woods, knowing just what was at stake for him if he was seen; refusing to slow until he knew he was hidden away completely from prying eyes." - Big difference, right? I'm not saying that every single moment needs to be elaborately decorated, though; it's all about finding the balance: giving us enough without giving us too much. I hope that makes sense!
You say the word forest more often than it's needed. We know where Teddy is going after the first time, so there's no need to repeat yourself so often in such a small space. Trust that your audience can follow your writing without spelling it out for them.
Done with the repeating examples! Now for some random notes:
"He snuck down into the ministry in the dead of night" - I'd consider removing the word 'down' - it doesn't flow right. Also, Ministry should be capitalized.
"The pages crinkled as he flipped to the exact page where the entries all end." - Should be 'ended.' The wording at the end is a little funky, I would remove the word 'all' - it feels unnecessary. This paragraph has some lovely descriptions, however. ^.^
"March 22st" - Should be 22nd
"He had always written(,) but then he had apparently lost his drive to do anything." - Not sure why 'lost' is italicized.
"Once he felt he was sufficiently hidden in the forest he pulled the time turner out. He took a deep breath before he turned it enough times to go back to the year of 1970. He closed his eyes and when he opened them he couldn't tell if it worked." - Michael! This should be a huge moment! This is what everything before this moment has essentially been leading to! Why is there no excitement? LOL Where's his anticipation? His nerves? His hesitation? This moment, like the opening one, needs more.
"Each snap of the wolf's sounded louder and louder, as if a thunderstorm were approaching." - Not sure why 'wolf' is pluralized, unless you meant to say something like 'Each snap of the wolf's monstrous jaw sounded louder and louder...' or something. Or maybe 'Each biting snap the wolf made seemed to grow louder and louder.'
So it doesn't look like you have a beta for this. It's something I would maybe consider; someone who's good with small details and being nit-picky, because you have the vision and the ideas and the plot, but the little bits and pieces are what's holding this back. I hope this review has been helpful! Report Review
I couldn't be bothered logging into the archives so.. :P
I don't know whether I've told you this before or not, but halfway through reading the chapter I realised that you do a really good job at descriptions. Like, not just any good job, but you make it seem as if the chapters can never have too much descriptions. And the fact that it doesn't affect the flow of the story...well, that's kind of amazing really.
Also, Teddy's characterisation is just..BOOM. It's like he's really alive or something. The plot keeps getting more and more intriguing with every chapter. Usually, I could have a guess or two on what's going to happen on the next chapter, but right now? Meh. I just want to read chapter four. I want to read the whole story right now. Wow, I'm so demanding. Ignore me. :P
I think you do a really good job of writing stories about werewolves, but I'd really love for you try and expand your stories a bit more. I'm not exactly in the right place to say this seeing that I don't even write at all, but I think you would be amazing at other areas of writing. Like fluff *hint!* ;)
You are an awesome author and I will be back for the other two chapters. Just so you wait. *ninja out*
PS: I'm sorry if this review didn't make sense at all. It's probably because I just had a drink of coffee.Author's Response: IZZY. That's alright with me. :p
I'm so glad you love my descriptions, I tend to get wish-washy comments on how I either have too little or it's just right but I know you've read a lot so... :D Made me happy. You make me feel fuzzy with this review xD
BOOM BANG BOOM! I love writing Teddy. It's so much fun. I'm glad he's a good character! :D And the plot, mwahaha. You shall never know. Ever. Ever. *cough* Ok you'll find out eventually whatever. xD I'M WRITING. SHEESH SO MEAN. :'( xD I shall not ignore you :p
WEREWOLVES. Well, honestly, I only write werewolves in Fanfiction, most of my Original work is not werewolf related but I'll try to write some non-werewolf-y fanfics :p And fluff... gosh. C'mon xD
*squee* THANKS IZZY!! :D I'll definitely wait and it made sense :p
-Mike. Report Review
THEY ALL DIED? MIKE! Y U SO MEAN?
And best line EVER: 'That's not walking, that's falling' ahahahahaha!
Your description is amazing, I loved the way you described the setting, and the dialogue was great too ;) It flowed beautifully and NOW TEDDY HAS TO STAY THERE FOR TWO YEARS? ZOMG. What are you plotting, Mike? *narrows eyes*
Still, awesome! :)Author's Response: I DUNNO. IT'S A PLOT ELEMENT. ;)
:D I can write some humor, not much.
Aha! You make me blush, thanks Jenny. :p Ahhh flow, I'm actually getting it RIGHT for once. MAYBE. MAYBE NOT. THE WORLD SHALL NEVER KNOW... Well They'll know when I write it. :D I'm plotting lots of things Hehehehe. *evil laugh*
Woo thanks! :D Now I gotta review your story cause I feel like I have to. :p
Mike. Report Review
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