Hey, it's Whiskey again!
I like the fast-paced narrative style. In a way, it fits the subject matter of plain, non-questionable sadism. There isn't much need for reflection if you chose to just be bad just...because.
Now, I must admit that several things bothered me a great deal in this chapter. First, this: "It's not like anyone would understand parseltongue, but he worries anyway." Uhm, she can speak parseltongue? Why? Isn't that only a Slytherin heir sort of thing? I know you need to make her as cool and scary as you can, but this is dipping toes in Mary-Sue territory. I am sure there are ways of making Zoe appear powerful and equal to Tom without, well, giving her the SAME power as him without any explanation. Similarly, the dialogue implied that Tom was kind of the side kick. The Dark Lord is nobody's sidekick...That sort of defeats the purpose of his character as the inaccessible bunddle of psychotic, obsessive insecurities. You even have him say "sorry! (!). This is your story, of course, and hpff is here to let people get crazy and creative, but I think that changing these two parts would significantly improve the quality of the story. The rest is harsh, funny, and nuts, but the issues I just mentioned made me really stumble while reading.
I think there is a lot of potential here to indirectly - and without moral heaviness getting in the way - explore the nature of sadism and evil. If you drop making Zoe into a female Tom Riddle and, instead explore the way a character can become just as cruel and self-entitled without all the "specialness" that Voldemort had to deal with, then this could become a trully amazing story!
I hope I could be helpful (and didn't seem too critical). Cheers! Report Review
Hey! Whiskey here with your ridiculously belated review! So sorry about that. But guess what? I love the story!
This is why: "When life handed me lemons, I blew up half of Hogwarts and made one hell of a martini." Hahaha, YES!
Until that line, I wasn't sure I liked your narrator. She seemed too self-reflective for a mercilessly evil person. And there were a few Mary Sue moments. For example, blowing off arms as a first year? Yeah, how *did* she learn how to do it?
Anyways, this is a short chapter, and I'm not sure how much I can tell you about the characterization so far. One thing that did stike me so far was that there was alot of telling (as in, not showing). The part with the arm was good (althouhg unlikey, but it's your choice), but there there were many things screaming "look at me I'm evil!". Maybe more details and less self-asserting would have made her immediately a bit more nuanced? It's up to you, really, because so far it still works the way you wrote it.
I'm off to the next chapter :) Report Review
Love how well you've written a dark character - so often an author tries to make an oc dark but ends up just making them whine about how terrible their life is and how they're only evil because they've had a traumatic past. I'm guessing the ginger haired boy was a Weasley? Anyway, hope you update soon!Author's Response: thanks, I am grateful for the feedback! I will try to update soon. Report Review
Wow, this is such a good idea, and I love your writing style! I didn't find any grammatical errors like you usually do and you have obviously thought the plot through, before launching into a random story with only a very vague idea of what you were writing about. Well done, and please feel free to review one of my stories, however critically. It's only a shame you haven't had more reviews
Rosmione :)Author's Response: Wow, thanks I really appreciate it! Report Review
Nice start, certainly has scope to be a really brilliant story. Hope it lives up to what it's promised in this first chapter!Author's Response: Thanks! I hope you enjoy the coming chapters. Report Review
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