Awh, ): PLEASE update soon I like this so far. (: Report Review
I'm back for another chapter!
And so we've finally caught up to the prologue! This was a very interesting chapter! I think that you did a fantastic job with the date. It was quite clear that James had also experienced a disappointment, even though they never really discussed it during the dinner.
I liked the mix of awkward silences and funny dialogue that you had during the date. The dialogue certainly set them up to have an enjoyable time and yet the silences fit in perfectly with the situation. Since both of them had just experienced disappointments and it was the first time they had met each other, it would have been unrealistic if everything went perfectly smoothly and the evening was without bumps.
As well, the scene at the beginning of the chapter was well done. You did a great job of further expressing her devastation and it was very interesting to learn a little bit about why her father was no longer a part of her life. I'm still a bit confused on that point, though; I don't think that divorce would remove him completely from her life. I wonder what the rest of the story there is...
I noticed two things, both of which are more opinion than anything else (but I thought I'd point them out anyway). With the phrase "of myself that I was losing" I think that "since" or "because" would be a better fit here than "that" and with "she’d say" I think that it would work better if it was phrased as "she said".
The ending of the chapter really intrigued me. The date seemed to go well, aside from the flitting, admiring way the staff treated James and the annoyance James displayed at this treatment. He seemed to really like Taylor. And then after she mentioned that she wanted to be an Auror, his whole attitude changed completely. I wonder why that is. I don't think it's particularly because he has an aversion to Aurors- his dad and uncle are Aurors! Perhaps it's because he's worried about becoming involved with someone in such a dangerous career (even though she didn't become an Auror... yet). Or has he had a bad experience with a young Auror in the past? I suppose we'll have to read on to find out!
All in all, I think that this was a very interesting and well written chapter. I look forward to reading more about her relationship with her father and mother (and what went wrong there) as well as the reason why James fled the scene... Great job!Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for stopping by to review! I'm sorry this response has taken me a while... *sighs* rl.
Oh, that's great to hear. I didn't want James' disappointed attitude to be too strikingly obvious, but I am glad that it's at least noticeable. I didn't have it the main topic of their conversation purposely; I think just meeting eachother they wouldn't really wear their disappointment out front, instead trying to mask it.
Which, leads me into your next point :) I'm... going to sound redundant... but I'm very happy you picked up on the 'bumps' in their conversation. This chapter took me a while to write because I really worked on keeping things as realistic as possible.
I can't give all my cards away just yet :) Her father did leave, but we'll figure out more of the why point later on. That part was - purposely, of course - thrown in as a moment of distress and it pushed her mind back to a basics point.. at least, that's what I was going for..
Thank you for pointing those out! I will take a look at them and move some things around as soon as I get a few seconds :)
Ah, James. The waiter was fun to write.. it was either that or the typical 'flirty Potter family fangirl', but I think that's just way too overused ;) I like your theories! However I can't give things away just yet :) I am glad that it did get you thinking, though. I have been - as usual - overthinking that it was TOO abrupt, so it's great to hear otherwise.
Thank you again for the lovely review, they're very helpful! In between the seemingly endless shifts, I am working on chapter five :) Thanks for reading! Report Review
I'm fangirling right now, really, I am.
HOW DO YOU MAKE ME LOVE HIM AFTER ONLY ONE CHAPTER?
But what's up with the "no Aurors" thing James, huh? Is it 'cause of the connection to your dad? The danger? Just don't like them? I don't know, but I'm curious to find out.
Their date went so much better than I was expecting it to! I'm not going to lie to you, I was expecting Taylor to be a complete disaster and the whole date was going to be a train wreck. Not only did I like it better this way (IT WENT TO WELL UNTIL THE END), but it actually seemed more in character for her to act the way she did. Sad, but she bucked up and continued living her life. There's still a bit of a shadow there, but we're just going to keep moving and pretend that there isn't.
Okay, this is going to sound really weird, but I like your characterization of people who haven't even appeared in the story yet. Ginny for example. That James says that she would come and beat him for not holding the door open is just absolutely perfect. See, chivalry isn't dead, now is it?
Honestly, I just think we must have very very similar head canons about Post War Potter/Weasley life.
Seriously though, everything was going awesome until the end. WHAT HAPPENED JAMES? I hope he still comes to her birthday party. I've decided that they need to fall in love.
~CassieAuthor's Response: *Joins in fangirling*
DON'T WORRY I LOVE HIM TOO :D
You may be onto something there... I couldn't just have things go completely perfectly :p There is definitely something up with his sudden dissaparating. I can't tell! :) hopefully he'll tell soon enough.
She's definitely tough, and while she was really upset in her own mind, I think being around a new person like that she - and himself, too - wouldn't fully show their emotions, even as devastated as they were.
:D I can't wait until we meet Ginny! I have some interesting stuff planned for that so it will be pretty awesome.. at least, I hope it will :) I bet we do! Minus a few tweaks of my own I mostly get mine from reading way too much fanfiction :p I do love reading the occasional 'arrogant James II' - but I really don't think Ginny - or, in that case, any of the Weasley/Potter moms - would raise their sons without basic manners towards girls. Especially being related to Mrs. Weasley :)
I know! He needs to clear this up really quick for everyone! I am working on chapter five so hopefully I can get it done quickly so you can read it!
haha.. I agree. They need to! And my vote counts for a lot ;) Thanks so much for reading and reviewing, Cassie! Report Review
oh my god! he thought she was using him to get the job! man... that kinda sucks for the both of them! amazing chapter even if it was kinda sad... upload soon plz! 10/10Author's Response: Ah, James. Everything will be explained soon... ish :) Thanks so much for taking the time to read and review! More will be on the way soon! Report Review
A new chapter! Yay! College is kicking my butt and this was perfect for relieving some of the stress. Thank you! Finally the big date! I've been excited for this part for forever! Well anyways here's my review:
I'm still so upset that Taylor didn't become an Auror! I really wish she would've gotten the job. I just hate that feeling of unchangeable finality so much that I want to close in on myself and forget everything. I loved how you articulated that through Taylor in this chapter really well. She's very strong and refuses to let her emotions show and I have a feeling that has something to do with her parents.
That's another thing I really like about this story: It's not only about her finding a boyfriend. There's so much more to this than just romantic interest. Taylor has a real history behind her and other ambitions that don't always work out. Kudos to you for that:)
Lucy is such a sweetheart. She's definitely one of my favorite characters so far. I love how she's just trying to help her friend through tough times. I hope she falls on love with Ben! They'd be so cute together because she's kind of a badass. There needs to be more people like her in the world then the world would be so totally awesome:)
Their date was so sweet up until the end. Why did James freak out like that? Does he think she only wants to be with him because of his dad? Does this mean he doesn't want to see her again? Will Taylor ever be happy? Oh no! I'm gonna start catastrophizing until the next chapter!
This chapter was fantastic and I loved it. It's flowing together really well. There weren't any huge grammatical errors but I think you might've used Then when you should've used Than but maybe that's just my OCD showing:)
Great chapter and I can't wait for the next one. Author's Response: Hey Darla! haha.. I'm so glad I found HPFF after I graduated college, or I probably would have failed it miserably :p
I know! well.. I don't really wish she would have too.. because then I wouldn't have anything to write about :p And yes, I don't think - especially around a new person like James - would she let her emotions control her over something like that. I can't tell you what it's all about, but there definitely were some hints there in the beginning :)
Definitely not, and that's the one thing I really wanted was to not make everything revolve around pairing everyone up. It's kind of a bad habit of mine so I really strived to make a character that isn't worried about only getting a date, but she's got some real things that drive her through everyday life.
Lucy's so wonderful. She's kind of awesome, but she really does know when - maybe not how, but when - she needs to be there for her friends :) haha.. wouldn't that be adorable? Ben and Lucy... my lips are sealed! :D She's very fun to write and I think she gives Taylor a good balance.
Oh James.. I know! Everything was going so well. Don't worrry! We'll find some stuff out next chapter (first I very desperately need to post 31 of KoW) But things will all eventually get explained.
I'll keep an eye out for those! Than/then is one of my biggest confusions.. that and affect/effect. but I'm a little better at that one :p
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing, Darla! I'll see you next chapter! (or at KoW :D ) Report Review
Huh, I wasn't expecting them both to be all down in the dumps, that was surprising. It worked though, it's what made the chapter unique. I got a real feel for what they were both going through, it was pretty intense in a good way. It's strange 'cause I've never seen someone describe people's emotions about this topic in such detail before, it was really good! The only thing I might go over again is in the beginning it sort of goes a bit into present tense which I've gotten a lot better at noticing since WMM is in present lol. A couple other sentences were maybe a little awkward, but nothing big, you and Elenia did a great job! Now I'm excited to find out how her birthday goes, if he thinks she just went out with him 'cause she wants to be an auror. But Lucy will deal with that, she'd set James straight. lol.
Great job hun!Author's Response: They were pretty down in their own minds, but I think in a situation with a new person both of them would try to act a lot braver and... happier than they really wanted to. That's actually awesome to hear that you liked the emotions! I worked a lot on including all the little things that she was thinking so I'm glad that paid off!
And thanks! I will take a look at the tenses, and keep an eye on them :)
Thanks so much for reviewing hun! I have to finish editing chapter 31 of kow then I will be working on five. I'll talk to you later!!♥ Report Review
Hey, I really enjoy reading this story. You write very well and I like your characters. You make everything seem so realistic, the way you describe her every thought and emotion. I like how perceptive Taylor is and ...right, I wonder about her family and what's up with her eating problems. And James -of course James. He's on bad terms with his dad? I hope Lucy will be able to explain. I really liked the date.
You make the story quite different to other fanficitons and I think that's great. (I'm thinking about Taylor and James, mostly, in that regard.)
Well, I'm really curious. Great story.Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad you are enjoying the characters so far :) They're really enjoyable to write.
I wish I could answer all of your questions but it would ruin the story! You'll just have to keep reading ;)
Thanks so much again, and thank you for taking the time to review :) Report Review
Julie, hi! Thanks for swapping with me. I'm really glad you asked me to read this, because I enjoyed it a lot :)
I think you've got a great premise for a story. We always hear about hard work and determination paying off (that's kind of a Puff motto I guess :P), but sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. I'm really glad you're exploring that with Taylor, and I'll be really interested to see how she comes back from this devastating setback.
Speaking of Taylor, I like her a lot so far. Her narration seems very laid-back and chill, and it's easy to read. As for Taylor herself, I love that she's so determined to get what she wants. I think that might make for some fun James/Taylor moments in later chapters :) Also, it's nice to see a character who isn't necessarily super talented in her chosen field; I'd much rather read about an underdog who works to beat the odds.
This chapter flows well for the most part, but I did get confused at your transition from past to present. The paragraph that starts: "I lifted my head at the sound of clapping..." comes kind of abruptly. It took me a while to realize that we were back in the present, with Taylor getting her results. So I was kind of confused there. If it were me, I'd add some sort of lead-in to that paragraph, so we're clear right off the bat that Taylor's focus is shifting. I hope that makes sense :)
I really love the way you start this chapter off, by using several hypothetical situations that we can all relate to. That really resonated with me because I know exactly how it feels to be disappointed that way, and I know a lot of your other readers do too. I thought it was a great way to pull readers in (it certainly worked for me!)
You've got an awesome start here! I will definitely get around to reading on (RL is hectic, so I don't always have as much reading time as I want :/) Great job, and thanks again for swapping with me!
--MaggieAuthor's Response: Hey Maggie! I'm sorry this response took me so long! I can fully understand the RL getting in the way :p
The premise has been really neat for me to work with so far :) I have this habit of really wanting everything to work out happy endings for characters as soon as possible so I wanted to push myself to do something different. I think everyone's had something they wanted and worked for that just didn't work out.
Thank you! I'm glad you like her so far. Her narration has been quite a change from the witty banter of KoW - though, we will get a little with Lucy in two :) - so it's been really interesting writing someone a little more grown up and hard working. I love the hardworking trait of being a Hufflepuff so of course I had to give her that ;)
I have been really back and forth about the switch from generalization to present, and it's abruptness, so I will have to take another look at adding some more transition sentences and clear that up a little better. It makes sense :)
I guess it's a little obvious, but the relate-ability was definitely what I was going for with the first half. Everyone's had something disappointing happen, whether it be one of those situations or something else and I used that as a way to drag the reader in :)
Thanks so much again for the swap! I know how RL can get it the way of reading time but I do hope you're able to make it back! Report Review
And I'm back to review the third chapter!
Boy- it's difficult to read these chapters, seeing how much she wants that job, knowing that she won't get it. And yet it was nice to see that she wasn't saying that she deserved the job over the other candidates- it showed that she wasn't prideful or arrogant. She was just hopeful.
It was interesting to see how the Aurors tested to see who should join them and I think that you did a good job of showing a varied set of situations that probably covers the majority of what Aurors have to deal with. I kept waiting for something to go wrong in the house, for one of the murderers to jump out and attack her, or for the little boy to be under the Imperius- you certainly had me on the edge of my seat!
Erg- Taylor did such a good job of being neutral/complimentary to her fellow trainees that I really want to see why Joe was picked over her. Sure, he has strength and a get-it-done-no-matter-what attitude... But Taylor also has plenty of determination and she certainly wants the job for more than "it's just what I'm good at". From reading Taylor's brief description of them, I would have thought that Kayla had the edge on Taylor, not Joe... But who am I to know exactly what the Aurors are looking for?
It also brings me to another question: why don't they just accept more than one person? Why is there such a strict limit? (Not that this is a bad thing... And it would mean that there wouldn't be a story for you to tell... But still...)
It was also interesting to see her working at her job. Obviously some people are still prejudiced against goblins, no matter how much championing Hermione may or may not have done, but at least Taylor's not among them. She knows that she has to earn their trust by their standards, not by how she thinks she should earn it. She understands their culture and respects it.
And it's great to see that she still has a job with the goblins and that she's been accepted as a worker there. A small consolation, yes, but it's something!
I did notice a few small typos that I thought I'd point out. With "to keep whatever" I think that you're missing an "out" after "keep" and with "there would be any real" I think it should be "wouldn't" instead. As well, with "reactions I get to my presence in situations" it felt like this sentence was missing a verb... or something... It just didn't flow right (sorry I can't be more specific).
All in all, I think that you did a great job with this chapter, especially with your descriptions. I could easily visualize her final Auror skilltests and you definitely had me on her side through the whole thing! I'm looking forward to the next chapter- and, especially, to the meeting between James and Taylor. I wonder how they'll react to their separate disappointments.Author's Response: With the prologue telling the results it was interesting writing these two chapters; having the reader, but not her, knowing she wouldn't get the position. That hope really drove her through the last three years that she knew - or, thought she knew - she would get the job.
I never write action! I got about half way through that scene and realized I was writing something really different than my norm:p So I am really happy to hear it worked for you. I worked on getting a little bit of everything that I'd assume Aurors would be doing, so that's how that scene all came about.
At least, in her own head ;) She's a nice person, you know? She tries to see the best in everyone and push her own desire aside to make sure she shows respect for the people around her. Of course, things, and the reasons, will get explained a lot better further in the story ;)
Some people just will never change. I don't think Goblins would be all that bad, but then again that's just me :p After a few years of working full time with them I think she'd have to understand their way of doing things, at least a little bit ;) And I think that's what they want, you know? Respect. Of course, no one could own a flat being in a trainee program with no income, so she's got to have her job :)
Ah, thank you for pointing those out :) I will edit them as soon as I get a chance! And thank you again for the reviews! They were really helpful and got me thinking about a lot! Report Review
Hey! So I've reappeared to review the second chapter... :)
Well... It certainly does look like Taylor didn't have a great life even before she didn't get accepted as an Auror. I wasn't expecting that but it certainly gives the story an added depth. It also adds an element of mystery to it- I'm really curious to learn about her family troubles. From here it seems as though her father up-ed and left the family and her mother fell into some sort of depression... And then Taylor's relationship with her kind of fell apart. And who's Timmy? A younger brother?
That section was well done and I think that you did a great job with writing the tense and slightly awkward scene.
The first scene, by contrast, was very funny and upbeat. I really liked the look into Taylor's friendship with Lucy and I definitely wasn't expecting Lucy to be Lucy Weasley (for some reason the possibility never crossed my mind).
You've done a good job with setting up the basis of Taylor's personality and giving us her backstory. I liked the conversation about her past dates- it's certainly unusual to see a character who's not interested in romance. I wonder how she and James will get along- I think that they will have a very awkward meeting on Friday, especially since we know that they both fail to attain their dream jobs (but at least that's less awkward than if one of them attained it and the other didn't...).
I did notice two typos (or something of the sort) in the chapter that I thought I'd point out: with "the melty orange ice cream" did you mean "melting" or "melted" instead? "Melty" sounds awkward to me. As well, with "you’re excuse is invalid" it should be "your".
All in all, I think that this was a good chapter. I'm definitely very interested to see how the date on Friday goes- maybe one of them will end up being too depressed to even show up!Author's Response: You're here! :D Thank you so much for deciding to read on!
Her family issues definitely have done a huge number in morphing her into the kind of person she is today. She will talk a little more in chapter four about what actually happened, but obviously the details are spared :) It was definitely awkward to write, but I am happy it worked for you in contrast to the first half of the chapter. The attitude shift was something I was a bit worried about, but I think that's just the way some people are around family. :p
Lucy is so fun! Yep, she's Percy's daughter.
It's definitely not one of her top priorities :p She's been in this competitive Auror training for the past three years and the last thing she needs is a self-centered (in most cases) Quidditch guy taking up time she could be using reading case files. :p I have the date posted!
And thanks for pointing those out! I will edit them asap :)
Thank you so much again for the thorough reviews! They have been very helpful :) Report Review
It's Roots in Water here with your review from review tag!
Wow- what an absolutely fantastic beginning and chapter. I loved it. In particular, I loved the way that you set it up. The beginning really put us in her shoes by allowing us to imagine exactly what she went through without forcing us to picture her. We were free to imagine ourselves in the same position and that our understanding of her pain and disappointment that much greater. Great job!
As well, I really liked the way you slipped in details about her life without going into a big backstory, like how she has at least one Muggle parent (likely two). Her description of why she was chosen for Hufflepuff was very well done. Her interpretation of what it means to be a Hufflepuff was a little different from what most people have in mind when they think of us ("or the nicest"- very nice touch!) but it still fit within the definition of what it means to be a Hufflepuff.
Your abrupt switch from ambiguity in the first section to her strong desire to become an Auror, to the reason for her disappointment worked very well. It works with her character- she doesn't seem like someone to beat around the bush from what I've read in this chapter.
You also really made us believe that she should have been the one to become an Auror. And you did it in a way that it didn't seem like she was bragging or too prideful to see her own mistakes- no, she worked hard to become an Auror, harder than most people would.
However, I was a little confused as to why the Auror program would be so select. It makes sense as to why they would selective in their acceptances (you can't just have anyone protecting society, now can you?) but it seemed as though they were being too selective. Only one new Auror in years? Wizarding Britain might not be too big but surely have more high quality defenders is a good thing?
As well (though this is very, very minor), with the phrase "maybe even a date" I would switch the "maybe" in this phrase because there's one earlier in the sentence and the repetition lessens the "possibility" aspect you were going for. It could be replaced with "perhaps" or even striked out all together.
All in all, I think that you did a fabulous job with this chapter and I think that I'm definitely going to go read the second one. Right now. :)Author's Response: Hi! I want to start out by saying thank you again for the thorough reviews! They really are so helpful and you've pointed out all of the things that I really worked for in this prologue!
I really went for the emotional recognition in the first half of the chapter so I am happy that worked for you! Everyone's had something disappointing that's happened and I tried to make it work in her relate-ability as a 'real' person.
I think the 'hardworking' trait of being a Hufflepuff is so underestimated and misinterpreted! Personally, it's how I mostly identify myself with the house, but that's not really important :p There's a difference between the wit/intelligence of a Ravenclaw and I really worked on capturing that personality trait in that part. And yes, she is a muggle born :)
Ah, fantastic to hear. I've been up and down whether or not I'd like to make the switch less abrupt, so it's good to hear her switch in generalization to more specific worked. I really don't think she'd be the type to linger so It's good that part of her personality is coming through in the writing :)
It really goes back to that general disappointment thing; no one thinks after they legitimately work hard, give it their all, that they're going to get a no. Sure, she's going to be modest about it (you see it more in chapter two) but she really thought she was going to get it.
I put the Auror department as being more select.. first off, the obvious reason, because it gave me something to write about ;) But more importantly - and an actual reason :p - because I think a lot of things in the way the Ministry worked would have changed after the War, and especially with Harry leading he would want things done very thoroughly. (I know, the DA, "everyone can do it" sort of contradicts that, but it's got to be a little different come the 'real' world) I do definitely see your concern, though. I may change things around a little - maybe just, she doesn't get accepted - you know? Obviously there are reasons she didn't get picked over Joe so I will work on that :)
Ah, thanks! I will re-phrase those, I see what you mean :) And thank you thank you again! I'm so happy you wanted to keep reading! Report Review
Ah! Great work so far! I'll be looking forward to reading that date with James! :)Author's Response: Thank you so much! I have the date in the queue right now :) Thanks for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Sorry it took me so long to get to this! I was going to come and review on my own, even without the request, as soon as I got back from vacation! I wasn't ignoring you, I promise!
I think you did an AWESOME job with the action suspense! It's something I love to read and it was amazing! I was hooked onto every word! I felt so bad for Taylor during the field test when she got to the point that she encountered the deceased family. If I was her I probably just would have burst into tears.
In my head this whole chapter had a dark cloud hanging over it because I know that Taylor doesn't get the position! BUT SHE DESERVES IT! I feel SO badly for her.
The goblins were so canon I was laughing out loud! I think you portrayed them seriously perfectly. I loved them. Especially the parts about them not liking humans until they are given time to trust them. It fits perfectly into what JKR gave us.
I also LOVE the fact that you have Taylor have a job outside of her training for the Auror Corps. Her working security at Gringotts significantly adds to the realism of Taylor's life. Real people can't just train for years with no outside means of supporting themselves. Also, very few people would completely chase one unrealistic dream without any sort of backup plan.
I'M SO EXCITED FOR THE DATE WITH JAMES, EVEN THOUGH IT COULD BE A COMPLETE AND TOTAL TRAIN WRECK IN ALL LIKELIHOOD.
I still love Lucy, even though she only made a little cameo appearance this chapter. And Ron and Harry and perfect! Smiling to themselves but then becoming super serious? Sounds good to me.
All in all, I LOVED this chapter. Fantastic work once again, I'll be sure to drop by a little quicker when you get the next one up :)
~CassieAuthor's Response: Hey Cassie!
No, don't worry at all! I'm sorry for how long this has taken me to respond! We moved, so I've been spending every second I have unpacking and blahh. Anyway, thank you so much for this!
Oh, good.. so good to hear. I never write suspense.. never! and so I found myself at about the point when she was trying to get Jacob's door open and I kind of was surprised with myself :p I know.. I probably would have too. But I think it's because she's been trained with things like that for so long that she took it as more of a job. I sort of based it off CSI.. because I'm in love with the show.. in that she's looking for evidence and not getting upset.
That's good! I'm definitely working up the sympathy factor ;)
:D Goblins! They were so fun to write. I've been writing adorable house elves for so long in my other story it was a fun change of pace to write such a grumpy set of beings. I added that line, for the fact that she's been working with them for a few years now, and she's been able to learn some things about them :)
I also LOVE the fact that you have Taylor have a job outside of her training for the Auror Corps. Her working security at Gringotts significantly adds to the realism of Taylor's life. Real people can't just train for years with no outside means of supporting themselves. Also, very few people would completely chase one unrealistic dream without any sort of backup plan.
She's got to! haha.. there's no way she'd be able to live on her own -since, living with her mum is NOT an option - without having some sort of income. I had to have a full time job my college and internship so she does too :p You know, I never even put those pieces together like that, chasing dreams without a backup plan, but it's very true. I suppose it shows how much she thinks she's got the job :/ but that's a fantastic point :)
ME TOO! IT'S GOING TO BE GOING IN THE QUEUE SOON! :D I HOPE YOU WILL LIKE IT!! :p
Oh, Lucy. She knows perfectly well she can't send an owl to the bank and yet... does anyway :p I love her dearly. haha.. Harry and Ron! I'm always so nervous writing canon characters - which is why I avoid it at all costs :p - but I'm happy to hear they sound okay to you :D
Thank you so much, again! I really do appreciate it, and I'm sorry this took me ages to reply to! RL.. The next chapter should be up.. depending on queue time, soon! Thank youu *hugs* Report Review
Hi hun, :) I'm really interested that you have her working at Gringotts, and the reference to the destruction of the bank since that's part of where my story is going too lol. I do have to point out that Bogrod was incinerated by that dragon in part 2 though, I'm not sure if that was Canon, but I assume it is since they had to escape on the dragon.. just thought to point that out. I loved all the detail you put into her test though! that was so cool :) Rrrr, I feel like there was something else I wanted to mention, but can't remember :P I hate that... Anyway I really liked her co-workers at the ministry it was fun to get that peek at them. Really great job with this! :)Author's Response: Heather! I'm soo sorry for how long this took me to reply! You know I was moving and all that, so I'm finally here!
hehe.. I just put that little reference for a humor thing :) Now that she's (obviously) not going to be an Auror it's where she's going to work from now on. BUT, thank you! I will have to look into changing his name - if that's the case - before I get too far into the story.
I felt like I needed a little bit more background on the other potential Aurors so I'm glad that worked for you!
Thank you so much hun! I owe you a reply on the forums too but live has been insane lately! talk to you soon♥ Report Review
Ok I was completely giddy inside when I saw that you updated! Sorry it's taken so long to review (life is starting to catch up with me) but I'll always have to time to leave a review:) This has definitely become one of my new favorite FanFics of all time even though you've only posted three chapters but here's why:
I love how you tie in real facts of life and things we all do like waking up before the alarm goes off on the day of a big event into your stories because it makes the plot and person more relatable which gets me more hooked. Reading about other girls who freak out and eat ice cream on a weekly basis (like me) is so much fun because it's like this story is made to make me feel like I'm not the only person who doesn't have her life together 100% of the time. The people you write about feel like they could be real people you meet everyday instead of the miraculously perfect Trust-Fund Babies you see in other incredibly unrealistic scenarios all around us.
Your imagination is astounding. I don't think I could've come up with a better exam to become an Auror because yours was perfect. It definitely focused on important parts of being an Auror and things you'd need to be able to do if you were going to be a good one. We already know who gets the job but I'm still hoping it's Taylor. She did such a great job and she deserves it but oh well. It almost makes up for the lack of a certain date between certain people:)
When does she meet James?! I'm so excited for their date! Hopefully it's in the next chapter(?)
Anywho great job on this story, it's developing nicely and I can't wait to see where you take it. I didn't spot any grammatical errors in this chapter so HIGH FIVE FOR YOU! Until next time darlin:)Author's Response: I got really giddy when I saw your review! hah, I know the feeling.. I've been so busy lately but I'm finally here to answer this! aw, I'm so glad to hear! I really am enjoying writing this so it's so fantastic to hear you like reading it!
the alarm clock must just hate us, doesn't it? It happens to me pretty much every single day, no matter how few hours of sleep I get. One of the things I really want to do with this is have Taylor be normal, and not a trust fund baby :p so that's really fantastic to hear that you think so. There's got to be stories for the rest of us to relate to! :)
Wow, thank you! I was a little worried that it sounded lame and cheesy (let's face it, I worry a lot :p ) So, that is actually a huge relief to hear so. I wish it could be her! Sadly, I don't want to write a story where everything goes perfectly ;)
hahaaha.. Next chapter, I promise! I'm almost done writing it :) [technically it's done, but I'm not 100% happy with it so I've been adjusting ;)]
thank you so much Darla! It's always so lovely to hear your opinions and that you like it enough to keep reading! *high fives* until next time dear!! :)
♥ Report Review
This has been good so far! I really want to get past the prologue part now though :) UPdate soon!Author's Response: Thank you so much! The next chapter will be right after the Prologue! I'm about... 2/3 done with writing it so soon :) Thank you so much!
(I love country music too! My favorite) Report Review
It's Rosie with your requested review! :)
First of all, this was heartbreaking. We've all had dreams and we've all experienced disappointment. And when Taylor's dreams of becoming an auror crashed into pieces, I felt it too. You really do have a good way with adjectives! The only thing you should try doing to improve this is to add in a bit more physical detail. Was she crying? Curled up in a ball? Things like that.
You asked if this chapter grabbed reader intrest: and I'd say yes! I am intrigued because I got a lot of background information on Taylor, how she was a Ravenclaw and worked hard to achieve her goals. And speaking of background information, the only thing I'm wondering about is Joe. We know he got the job and Taylor didn't, but what made him reach the top? And more impotantly--who is he? But I suppose we'll find out more in later chapters? :)
Characterization was great; I'd even say flawless. I understood Taylor's ambitions and personality very well.
Overall, this was a great first chapter. It grabbed my attention because I'm feeling very sorry for Taylor at the moment, and I really want to know how she'll handle her disappointment. Like: what's next for Taylor? Great job, I really did enjoy this! :D
~RosieAuthor's Response: Hey dear!
aw, thank you! I mean.. I know..? I hate answering stuff like that! I wanted it to be heartbreaking, but then I feel bad when I hear it was :p But, thank you! I really had to dig into my brain for some of those feelings so you know it's real stuff and real adjectives!
I agree with physical. I'm - eventually - going to add a little bit into her aftereffects of the instant physical reaction but.. you know, rl and what not :p
Oh, good! I'm glad the background information worked for you. I was a bit worried it would be really forced/random, but that's reassuring. Actually though, she's a Hufflepuff :p (Helga picked the hardworking ones for a reason)
Ah, yep that makes sense. He - as well as the other trainee - does get a background and an explanation in chapter three, but I can completely see what you mean that I should add a little bit here too.
Oh wow, thank you! She's definitely different than writing Hannah, that's for sure :p She's been interesting so far, I like writing someone out of school. But anyway, thank you so much!
haha.. that 'what next' is really going to be the pushing point of this.. instead of working towards something and 'yay she won big happy ending' - I'm starting off putting myself in this disappointment. Anyway, thank you for the lovely review! You will be hearing from me soon in re-requesting! Report Review
wow, I really loved this chapter, and love Lucy!!! I'm happy you made her a bit more like the rest of the family, I kinda get annoyed when ppl type cast her as anal just because that's how Percy used to be. I think he would have changed. I love the look into her home life too, and now I'm very curious what's gonna happy with her date especially since we know she didn't get the position... very curious :)
great job!Author's Response: Thank you! Lucy has been very fun to write so far! The biggest thing I want with her is to be someone that is believable. I want a happy middle; I don't want to write that stuck up Percy clone, and I don't want to write the polar opposite wild child; but she definitely is something much.. bubblier than Taylor.
Her home life definitely influences a lot of her personality, which will be showing more and more in future chapters. I'm glad you enjoyed it!
The date will be in chapter four! Thank you for the review, I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Awww, well, I guess if she got in right away there wouldn't be a story! poor taylor though :(
Oh, and happy 750th review to me :) lolAuthor's Response: yay for 750 for you! That's very true, I wouldn't have anything to write about if she would have made it right away :p
Thank you for the review hun! Report Review
This is an extremley interesting start to a story, it really makes me want to read on.
I love how you start with describing what dissapointment is and then contine on through the chapter describing how she was dissapointed and the lead up to it.
This could have been very unorganised because you describe a lot of different moments in her life but it worked! You managed to fit them all together and they flowed really well so good job there! :)
I couldn't spot any grammer or spelling issues so goodjob there too! :)
Overall, i thought this was a really good start and it makes you want to read on! 10/10Author's Response: Thank you so much! I am really happy to hear the descriptions on both parts worked together; I was a bit unsure if it would be to difficult to follow, being such a general discussion point.
Yay for no spelling mistakes! :D and the flow! I always panic way too much about the flow of my chapters :p
Thank you so much, again for the lovely review, and for the swap! Report Review
I. Love. This. Story.
It's just so different but it's still well written and you have humor and drama and everything all condensed into one little story and I just can't handle it.
I love Taylor and Lucy SO much. They're genuine, unique, interesting characters. You don't have any crazy cliches going on, just real people living their real lives with real problems. I literally LOVE it.
I'm torn between excitement and nervousness for the date. Excited because this has the potential to be such a genuinely good relationship for the both of them, but nervous because of the last chapter so who knows what Taylor is going to be like after such a big disappointment. And it came at the hands of James' father no less.
Loved the background allusions to Taylor and her mom not getting along, and the hints at potential future drama throughout the chapter. It's always so much better when there is a buildup to an issue, instead of it just coming out of nowhere.
I definitely think her attitude shift as she visits her mother is believable, especially the way you set it up with Lucy that they don't get along. It's only natural to act differently around people you don't want to be spending time with.
I think your writing has a really nice flow, not too fast and not to slow. It definitely holds my interest throughout the whole chapter.
I will DEFINITELY be continuing to read this story. I just added it to my favorites to absolutely ensure that I don't miss a new chapter. You will be putting out a new chapter soon, no? I think you should.
Wow...this was a long review for me. Potentially my longest? Oh well, your story deserves it.
Magnificent work! 10/10
~CassieAuthor's Response: I love this review!
Aw, thank you! I really worked at making this original so I am glad you think so! I love writing humor, and drama always makes things interesting, so there you go :) I am so happy to hear they work for you!
:) The two girls have been really fun to write so far! Taylor is very different from the other oc I am writing so it has been neat. Lucy is really fun! You're right! I really try to make a conscious effort to.. not necessarily avoid cliches, but write things in my own way, I suppose. I really like giving a humorous touch on normal life, so that was my goal!
haha.. I'm exactly the same :p I hope I can write faster so you can read it! I think it will be really interesting - for me, at least - to see how she acts during this horribly timed first date. Ooh! I know, especially because Harry is in charge of her fate!
yes, I know exactly what you mean. I think throwing in drama here and there just to add words is kind of pointless, so I always try to lead into things - at least, a little :p - before just blowing something up; especially something so important like the relationship with her mother. Either way, I'm glad her attitude is believable. I was a bit worried that it would be too abrupt of a turn around, but I think you're right. The little bit with Lucy helps :D
I'm so glad to hear you liked it enough to want to continue! And thank you for adding it to your favorites :) I JUST finished chapter 3, so hopefully I'll be able to get it all ready once my other story validates :)
Again, thank you so much, Cassie! I really loved hearing your opinions and I hope you enjoy future chapters! Thank you so much for the lovely review! Report Review
The ending to that was so powerful! I feel so so badly for Taylor. And the fact that in this 1000 word chapter you managed to get me that attached to a character is truly amazing.
I loved this first chapter of your story. And I think the premise of your story is really unique, because really, who wants their main characters to fail? No one. Life's not fair and the we can't always achieve our dreams.
Seriously, I'm having a hard time getting my thoughts out about this chapter, but I loved it so much. I'm already obsessed with your story and I've only read the prologue.
Amazing work! 10/10
~CassieAuthor's Response: Hi Cassie!
I have to say wow too! Thank you for the lovely review! I really wanted to grasp the reader sympathy card with her as quickly as possible, so I am glad to hear that you like her and want to cheer for her so far.
Exactly! That was one of the main ideas for this story; a character that can't achieve her dreams, like the real world.
God, just, thank you again! I'm smiling like a loon but I am happy you enjoyed it :) Report Review
Hello! Here with your requested review :)
You asked about whether or not this chapter was attention-grabbing and whether I thought the background information in the second half of this chapter seemed "forced" at all. I'll try to focus on those things in this review so I can be as useful as possible!
I think your general strategy is one that's good for building up interest. You start out with a general situation that you apply to any or every reader, and we understand it, and we've all had things that have disappointed us so we know what it's like. I like that your description gives us some insight into the hyperbolic state of mind of the narrator--though I know that when you get difficult results after a lot of hard work it's absolutely mind-boggling. Personally, I would have tried to get us closer to your narrator...I mean, I guess, I would have tried to talk more about physical reactions. When I think back to the biggest disappointment of my life--and I had what I thought was my whole future riding on my success in this one area--all I can think is the way my head got light and hot at the temples and I curled into a ball on my scratchy carpet on the floor and listened to "Porcelain Fists" by Ingrid Michaelson on replay until I'd cried for hours. I remember what I was wearing and what my stomach felt like after the next meal I had. I remember how red my face was and how swollen my eyes were. I think things like this in this chapter would help us anchor, even though it's a prologue. Perhaps you could leave the general opening as it is, but when the moment actually comes, tell us what's happening in the body. We are never outside of it and neither is it immune to bad news. Philosophically I might even argue that bad news hits the body worse than it hits the mind. I remember real, sensational hurt at that lowest point. I'd like to see some of it here, especially since you've built up her life to have been aiming only at this point.
The background information seems pretty good; this is a prologue so it often happens in a more general tone. I find though, I don't quite believe in the scene between Joe and Taylor, because I don't know Joe at all and I don't know why he isn't actually more qualified for the job. Maybe use some of your time building up background information to tell us something about Joe, too. You mention that Taylor graduated in the middle of her class, so for all I know, Joe was at the top.
Overall, I like the command that you display over your language, here. There are some sophisticated sentences. It's all very clean--I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing to you, but the danger I see manifest here is that cleanness sometimes translates to coolness, and that's one thing I'm not sure is a fault that is worth it for the narrator to have. It's really hard to write about catastrophe, but my advice is to always err on over-enthusiasm. You can always tone it down later if you decide you need to, and it's hard to pump passion into somewhat reserved words. Unless, like I hinted at earlier, this is just the tone of the prologue. (Still--I think a prologue doesn't have to play the proverbial part always, and this chapter has a lot of good opportunity to break out of the distant, looking-back-years-later feel!)
I hope this helps you and answers the questions you had for me in your request. Overall I think it's well-written and interesting. More interesting at the beginning, though, because I'm not yet personally invested in Taylor. Like I said above, the way to make me personally invested is to make her sound less reserved and to add some physical description of sensation and environment. It might just come down to personal taste, but those are my two cents ;)
-lilyAuthor's Response: I think I need to go pick my jaw up off the floor first...
Oh my god, how can I possibly ever say thank you enough for this?
Now that you have pointed it out, I can see very clearly that I want to add more physical reactions. I really want to re-divulge into that disappointing moment I first used to write this, and give her some more feelings, instincts, and not just actions. Especially in the after-realization. I really like your suggestion of adding to what happens after the difficult news so I will definitely be working on that. At the time of writing, I wanted to use it as a one-liner, but your mention of the instantaneous aftereffects have gotten my mind working since the moment I first read this. I (am going to sound really lame saying this) but, god, this is just so helpful! You've picked up on exactly what I was unsure of, and I can't even stop repeating how grateful I am.
This was that distraught I was worried about, Taylor and Joe. I really love your idea in the background information to add more about Joe and the other contender, so in revising I will definitely take that advice! Other than that, I am happy to hear that the other background information seemed to work alright for you. :)
You are correct, the tone of this is meant to be a little.. cleaner than the rest of the story. I meant it as that 'break the fourth wall', - my favorite, it seems - get in tune with the reader and I can completely see what you mean that it doesn't completely grasp the catastrophe she is feeling at this point. I can see the looking back tone it holds and how I'd like to make it more 'what's going on /now/.'
God, I'm sure by my excessive sputtering that you've figured out this was SO helpful. Again, I can't even find the words to thank you properly for all you've helped me with! *lame again* You're and excellent reviewer and this has pointed out so many /so/ helpful things that I can use to improve.
Thank you, again! (god, I hope this response does this review justice!) Report Review
Hello, dear (:
A wonderful first chapter, but you already knew that I loved it (;
I think you did an excellent job with all your characters! Taylor seems like such an interesting MC and I can't wait to learn more about her! And that date! Ooh, I wonder how that goes! You need to write faster, I'm already impatient d:
And Lucy! I already loved her after the last chapter and now she's my absolute favourite ^^ such a bubbly character!
Btw, I loved all the additions you made! Especially the extended discussion about their looks! That worked really well!
Tay's family life was such a sad part, but it gave depth to her character. Can't wait to hear more about that.
Oh, and I love how you make her Hufflepuff qualities show. She's such a hard worker and doesn't want to use anybody even though it would help her reach her goal easier.
Anyways, can't wait for the next chapter! It's always a pleasure to read your work!
And I'm only happy to help ^^ talk to you soon!
~EAuthor's Response: Hey hun!
Taylor really has been interesting to write so far. She's very different than Hannah, to say the least. haha.. The date looks like it will be chapter four! I'm about half way done with three so hopefully I can write faster (or, not have to pick up extra /unnecessary/ hours at work and actually get time to write!) so you can read it!
Lucy has been fun to write. She's such a bubbly balance for Taylor but she really wants nothing but the best for her.
Oh, good! You know, the reason I put off doing descriptions is because I kind of have this pet peeve about big blocks of descriptive text in the middle of the dialogue, so it's good to hear they worked well! And they helped me make the chapter title, so I'm - again - forever grateful for your suggestion because I didn't have to stare stupidly at the screen at three a.m. trying to figure out what in god's name I was going to call this :p
Her family life; each person has a very particular influence for the way she acts so it has been really neat letting her quirks fall into place from that.
Her puffness! She really does not want Lucy to mention /anything/ to Harry about their friendship, she really wants to be fair and win the Auror spot on skill alone.
Thank you, again, Hanna for everything! I really do appreciate your help! Tomorrow's a writing day so *crosses fingers* I'm hoping to get a lot further into chapter three!
ttyl! Report Review
Hey there:)I did a little happy dance when I saw that you
updated this story because I am already in love with it. I will
always have time to leave a review for your wonderful
stories:)So without further ado, here's my review for your
lovely chapter 2:
I am so intrigued! I want to know more! You've already got
me hooked and wondering what all these secrets are!
I love Lucy. They're like the ultimate best friends the way
they have their weekly "G and G" and how Lucy is always
trying to set Taylor up. It's adorable. She's a total hoot and
I can't wait to read more about her and her crazy antics
since she seems like a girl who could pull some sick
From what I can deduce from what I've read so far, I'm
guessing Taylor is a Half-Blood? And maybe that has
something to do with her father's absence? And what has
her mother done that is so unforgivable? Eek it's just so
I can't wait to see how her date goes with James especially
since we already know what happened because of the
prologue. If I were that bummed out, I'd need a good night
out with foxy guy to cheer me up:)
Thus far, you don't have any grammatical errors which I
think is almost as important as the story itself. You're doing
a great job of making it flow and pacing all the events so
they fit just right at the perfect moments. Keep up the good
work darlin:)Author's Response: Hey! Oh, I'm so happy to hear that! It's going to be quite different than Knock on Wood so I am happy to hear that you like it so far!
:D Yay! More or less the point of this chapter was to introduce and set a lot of things up. So I am glad that those things were intriguing!
I'm having a great time writing Lucy. I think she's a good balance for Taylor so far and she's fun! She means nothing but the best but Taylor's really into finding her own path in her career first, whereas Lucy uses her contacts to set Taylor up on dates with some of her league friends.
Taylor is a Muggle Born. Her dad is a police officer, but as you read, he is out of the picture. The relationship with her mother is interesting to write, and all will be revealed in that part of the story.. in due time. :)
I'm excited for you to read the date! It's going to be interesting, I will say that. We've not only got Taylor's disappointment, but, James' results from his tryouts with the Wasps will announced that day as well. haha! Hopefully he can do her some cheering up, she certainly will need it!
Oh, wonderful! I had a friend beta this /before/ I posted it, so it's a refreshing change, isn't it? I'm happy the pace works, too, I'm always worried I'm moving things along too quickly. Thank you so much for the lovely review! ♥ Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection