I decided to read the next chapter, also! So here I am!
Oh my gosh there is so much broken right now. How can Draco hide this? It's such a huge thing that isn't going to go away, but I think it's obvious that Hermione told Ron.. she must not have told him who was the father though because I'm sure he'd already be banging on the doors to fight Draco if he knew.
I like that Scorpius isn't telling Rose.. kind of. I want him to because I want to know everything, and what she thinks about it, but I also think it's sweet that he's trying to protect her from the truth that we know.
Astoria. Ahhh poor Astoria. She just has no idea what's going on, and because she's an intelligent woman, I'm sure she may have some sort of feeling that something isn't right, but I highly doubt she thinks that her husband got another woman pregnant.
You really did an awesome job creating all this tension and stress, part of me thinks Scorpius probably just wants to go back to Hogwarts and hide, pretending this never happened.
This was a really wonderful second chapter, I'm excited to see where you take this short story!Author's Response: So glad you decided to keep reading ;)
This is the first time I've ever written Scorpius/Rose and I have to say I love it! (It's like Dramione without all the extra angst lol) I'm so happy you're still enjoying this story and I hope you apreciate the little change up that's coming in the next chapter ;)
Can't wait to see you back here!!
~Moon~ Report Review
What a tangled web, darling!! Ahh!!
I really like the new take you've given on Draco, he seems set on making sure he doesn't repeat the same mistakes that his father made. And I want to know just what is going on with Hermione and Draco!
I can't believe that Scorpius witness it, whatever it was, and it's clear that it's really eating at him. I think you did an awesome job creating realistic fear and anxiety and I feel like there is even an amount of anger at the idea of what could be happening.
I feel so bad for Astoria, unaware of whatever it is that's going on, and I'm curious to know if he'll tell Rose - if she knows anything.
I really liked your imagery in this, I think the scenes you set were well done and then when you started switching from a quiet evening to the tension of what Scorpius witnessed, you really managed to keep the flow perfect while making me feel that tingling of worry.
Really well done first chapter!!Author's Response: Thanks so much for the R&R! I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far ;) Honestly this was supposed to be a oneshot for a challenge... and then it took on a life of it's own. LOL.
It feels so good to get back into writing (it's been longer than I care to admit) and to have a fellow author (who's work I love) enjoy my writting gives me that little tingle inside lol.
Can't wait to see what you think of the rest!
~Moon~ Report Review
Hey, it's me again from the review thread in the common room.
Ooh, the plot thickens. There's a cute Scorose - not my pairing at all, but hey, why not - and I was right about Dramione! (Unless it's a red herring...) Yaaay! You've done a good job with the mood changes and the tension in this chapter.
I find myself wondering how much Astoria knows. Is she to become more of a presence later on?
This has been quite interesting so far, and it'll be fun to see where you'll take this next. Keep up the good work. :)Author's Response: LOL.. Thanks for coming back! You know I stared at "Scorose" for a full minute before I figured out what you were talking about.. Guess I'm not used to the nextgen pairing yet ;)
I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter! I'm actually really looking forward to the next one.. wait till you see the little change up I'm going to throw at you!
Thanks again for the R&R!
~Moon~ Report Review
Hey there! First of all, I have to commend you for successfully grabbing my attention with your story title and summary; I wanted to know what had happened and what 'it' he was referring to, and that made me want to read your story. And, while your opening paragraph wasn't quite as hooking or attention-grabbing, it was written very prettily. I liked the similes and the figurative language, because it all painted this really beautiful picture of Scorpius' surroundings.
I like, also, that this story is going to be told partially through diary entries. I guess this just seems so challenging to me because, as a girl, I have a hard time putting myself in a guy's shoes to imagine what he would write about in a diary. Especially since most girls adhere to the cliche and just drivel on and on about boys, and I don't really think guys do the same thing hehehe. I'm not sure if you're a girl or boy, but it seems to me that you portrayed a male journal entry fairly accurately. There wasn't girly gushing or anything like that, and you did a good job of telling the reader what had just happened in the story. Although I was a little confused why Scorpius was telling his diary about his Granddad's death if it happened so long ago, considering you described the diary as "worn" - which would indicate that he'd probably had it when his Granddad actually died. Minor nit-picky issue, though (;
To be honest, I wasn't expecting this to be a story with Hermione/Draco, so I was right there with Scorpius when that happened. I do think that you could've gone more into Scorpius' reaction to what was happening in front of him while it was happening, instead of devoting so much to descriptions of what was happening. It would've been nice to have some insight into the the possible explanations that he's coming up with and if he's thinking the most obvious one at all/how he feels about that. But this is purely my opinion and it's definitely your prerogative what you write, so please don't be offended!
I like Rose and Scorpius together, so I was happy that they're dating and happier still that his parents seemed pretty accepting of their relationship - it seems like fanfiction authors rarely allow that to happen, you know? I also liked how you went into more detail about Scorpius' theories the morning after, especially because they highlighted his innocence so well. I think the journal entries are a really great way to provide insight into his character in a more subtle way and you seem to pull them off very effortlessly - like I said before, they're realistically boyish and they're not too lengthy or tedious or anything like that.
I like, also, how you show the changes in Malfoy that have taken place since the war. If there is going to be some Hermione/Draco action in this story (which I'm assuming there is), it makes sense that Draco would have undergone such a serious shift in his morals, to the extent that he would lecture his son about house elves rights and carefully explain all the advances muggle rights activists had made. You did a good job of seamlessly integrating that information about the shift in his character - and how it could be related to romantic feelings for Hermione - into the story.
There were a few nit-picky things that I noticed. To take just the first paragraph as an example:
- in the phrase, "It's ever expanding mouth consuming the light as far as the eye can see", the "It's" should actually be "Its" without an apostrophe, because you're not using the conjunction "it is" but the possessive form of the pronoun "it".
- the sentence, "I sit and watch the light fade into darkness as the crescent moon rises giving the grounds around Malfoy Manor a ghostly glow" is kind of a tedious read and comes off almost like a run-on, which I think is just because it's missing some punctuation. I think it would read a lot smoother if you put a comma after "rises" and before giving, making it: "I sit and watch the light fade into darkness as the crescent moon rises, giving the grounds around Malfoy Manor a ghostly glow."
- the sentence, "I know I should return to my room, mother will be looking for me soon, but the pale light shimmering over the pondís placid surface is mesmerizing and I am unable to pull myself away" is also a bit confusing, mostly just because of the "mother will be looking for me soon" interjection. I think it would be a lot clearer if you separated that phrase with dashes, so that the sentence would be: "I know I should return to my room - mother will be looking for me soon - but the pale light shimmering over the pond's placid surface is mesmerizing and I am unable to pull myself away."
This is all really little stuff that's not too big of a deal but, if you care, there are some really helpful guides in the Grammar Guidelines section of the forums that could help you out, or you could even try to get a beta if you don't have one already - I know it always helps me to have a second set of eyes.
Aside from those small things, the only real criticism I have is that, at times, your writing was almost too prettily descriptive - to the point that it started to drag on. Don't get me wrong: I love descriptions and flowery language and everything like that. But it can get a bit frustrating and tiresome sometimes when you want some more plot and whatnot. Please don't take my criticisms the wrong way, though; I still thought this was very well-written and I do really like what I've seen of your Scorpius so far. Sorry for rambling on for so long!
Cherry BearAuthor's Response: LOL... WOW! Now that's a review! I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far. This is my first attempt at a nextgen, and as for the diary entries, I'm actually writing it for a diary entry challenge (and for the record I'm a girl... LOL) I've been told before that I tend to go on a little too long with my discriptions, but when I write I'm usually describing a picture I see in my head... and sometimes it gets away from me.
This is the first fic I've written in over a year, so a beta would probably be a good idea. But this time I was on a deadline. ;) Might have someone take a look over it later on when I have the chance.
If you flip through my other stories you'll see that I'm a pretty big Dramione shipper, so when given the opportunity to do it again, I just couldn't resist. LOL! I have to admit, this is a different angle though, even for me.
I can't wait to see what you think of the next chapter!
Thanks for the R&R!
Hey, I managed to tag you back in the common room. :)
First off, I really liked the imagery you've used to describe the settings. It's lovely, because it both builds atmosphere and it characterises Scorpius as an introspective kind of person without being really explicit about it.
I also think it's very refreshing how you've made Scorpius' and Rose's relationship different from the cliched slap-slap-kiss routine so prevalent in Next Gen fic. They're friends! They (as of yet) show no sign of becoming romantically involved! Yay!
The only things you could improve on in this fic so far are your punctuation and grammar, which occasionally slip. (I know that this is unbelievably hypocritical of me given Carelessness' erratic grammar, but y'know. And sorry about the parentheses!)
Ooh, and I do wonder what the D/Hr thing will turn out to be. So far it seems to be something Dramione, but I'll have to wait and see I suppose...
Anyway, see you around, and keep up the good work.Author's Response: Thanks for the R&R!
This is my first nextgen, and I really haven't read many others so I'm not very familer with the cliches ;)
This is the first fic I've written in a while so it probably wouldn't hurt to run my new stuff by a beta LOL!
I'm glad you enjoyed what I have so far... and chapter two is waiting in queue as we speak!
Hope to see you back here soon!
~Moon~ Report Review
Wow, your imagery in the beginning is very lovely!
I find it interesting that Scorpius keeps a journal. A lot of times I see him characterized as very proud, so I think that's a neat touch on making things original. How old are you having him here? I'm guessing he's seventeen, and going to his final year of school, because he did magic outside of school, but I'd just like to clarify :)
I think it's neat that you also gave a reason for them moving into Malfoy Manor, and I am interested in how you plan on using Draco now that you've said it looks like he really doesn't want to live there.
You left a lot of things open (in a good way!) with the little Draco and Hermione moment in the garden, so I think that gave this a good curiosity factor, leading me to want to read and figure out why Hermione is meeting him like this; Why at Malfoy Manor, and why should she have waited? It's got me a bit worried that she may be pregnant, with the fact that Draco brought his hands down to her waist.. I guess I'll just have to wait and figure out!
I like that you included his sudden haste to get to his room, I think that gave his actions a little bit of solidarity; I was a bit concerned as to why Scorpius wasn't going to tell his mum, but those few sentences about that he 'knew' his dad wouldn't want his mum knowing sort of gave a little bit to his characterization and explained that.
until father's secret brings the walls crumbling down around our little family - Okay, this is a really nice alluding sentence, but I think it is a little bit too heavy at the moment. At this point, it seems as if Scorpius has no idea what his father actually did, so I think I would try to reword that a little bit and tone it down.
and take that as my queue to excuse myself from the table - queue should be 'cue'.
Okay, so I told you how I don't really like Dramione so take this for what it's worth. I really think its an interesting aspect that you have Draco getting very offended over the Scorpius' House Elf comment :p It sort of makes me think that he and Hermione may have a little more history than just the situation that they discussed the previous night. I'm not 100% convinced on Draco's... 'motives' yet, but, again, take that for what it's worth. If I was a Dramione shipper, I think those little things would work well. :p
I think everything flowed really well, there weren't any messy transitions so good work there! The pace did move a little fast, but for an introduction I think it worked.
Itís amazing how a single even can change your entire perspective on a situation - loved this ending! But I think you meant 'event' instead of even :)
Overall I think you have an interesting start here! I'm definitely curious to what's wrong with Hermione. Keep up the good work, I hope this was helpful, and good luck writing chapter two!
-JulieAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for your R&R! This is my first time writing nextgen (and honestly I really haven't read a whole lot of it either) so I tend to look at the kids as a having a clean slate. As for your question, age wise I'm thinking 15-16ish... I know using magic at home is not technically allowed at that age, but in wizarding households the ministry leaves it up to the parents to enforce that rule. They can only detect magic, not who used it. There is a lot of time between the final battle and the time period I'm writing in here, and a lot could have happened in between. I believe that the events leading up to the final battle would have severely changed Draco, so that the household that Scorpius lives in would be very different from how Draco was raised, therefore Scorpius would have a very different attitude than his father did at that age. As far as the meeting, and Draco's "motives" (as you put it) you're just going to have to wait and see! =)
This piece is actually being written for a challenge, so once that's over I'll go back and fix the mistakes you spotted (thanks!!) and resubmit it.
Can't wait to see what you think of the next chapter!
And again thank you for the R&R =)
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