My lovely Rin,
It has been far, far too long since I read any of your work, and I've been meaning to read this since you posted it! Real life is such a cow sometimes, but I am super glad that I've managed to get this down, and give you a well-deserved review full of squee.
I really, really enjoyed this. Even though it was very heavily about grief and about this great loss and regret Marlene feels you do still manage to create something beautiful from it. Throughout this, I could almost hear white noise, hear Marlene literally fading herself away from anything real that reminds her what she's lost. Yet, the way you've described things shows the way she's experienced this loss. It's not a great gaping hole, and she's not howling and wailing. This line is so, so spot on: 'Her grief drips and trickles out of her, and she cannot begin to patch the leaks.' She is wounded and she's not letting herself heal - that's how I see it. The encounter with the salesman, too, just shows how lost and absent minded she's become. I really, really feel for her :(
One thing you did ask me to comment on was the choppiness of this piece. You really needn't have worried though, because I don't feel it is an issue at all. I loved the pace of this, the distance there is between this piece and the reader, (which somehow manages to tighten the bond nonetheless) and your use of italics and brackets...it all really worked for me. You've also notably switched your writing style throughout, which I guess does make the piece choppy like you intended, but it more predominantly shows how up-and-down Marlene feels, during this awful up-and-down time. I think it's lovely that you have managed to stick to 500 words, so the pace is absolutely fine. I do wonder what it would be like if it was extended to, say, 1,000, or 1,500 words, and whether it would become too choppy then. But here, this is perfect, completely and utterly.
What breaks my heart (and makes me fall in love with all the more) about this piece is the obvious anger Marlene has for Edgar's death. Instead of her moping, she's a character with real pain and an obvious fire in her, even if this has made her feel all but just flickered out :( When she is angry with him it doesn't seem unjustified at all - I really think you've done an astounding job at expressing how she's feeling and why, but at the same time letting us decide at the end of it that it is grief twisting her thoughts, and it's something we can't really begin to understand. Really, really beautiful.
You should be ever so proud of this piece, because you've managed to make it so breathtaking and heartbreaking in only 500 words. I guess that shows what a really inspirational and amazing writer you are :)
Laura xxx Report Review
This was amazing, I loved this one-shot, you did such an amazing job writing this, good for you!
LizzieAuthor's Response: Oh, thank you! I really appreciate your review.
xx Report Review
This is great writing. It does have choppy flow, but it adds to the piece rather than taking away from it. I really like it.Author's Response: Oh, thank you! I really appreciate your feedback. Thanks for the review! Report Review
I loved this. I adore choppy-flow-type fics like this one and I loved your imagery. The grieve in this piece is hauntingly real and it broke my heart over and over and over again. Absolutely magnificent. I can't believe you could portray so much emotion in mere 500 words. The repetition of his photograph, the tilting of his head was perfect, it ended this piece in a wonderful way.
This sentence is just one out of many, many, many sentences I adored:
Her grief drips and trickles out of her, and she cannot begin to patch the leaks.
Just, gahhh. Beautiful work.Author's Response: ASDLKJ. I cannot even begin to describe how flattered I am, and also how surprising this review was! I'm a huge fan of unexpected reviews - thank you for leaving one!
I'm actually really pleased that you liked the choppy flow, because I was a little worried that it might have been a little too detracting from the overall piece, so thank you for mentioning that.
Again, thank you so much. To receive praise from an author I personally admire, too, is just wonderful. I hope you have a lovely morning/day/evening! Report Review
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