Hello! This is your Secret Santa here to leave a review!
I really loved this story, even if it was sad! I didn't want Hermione and Ron to split up, and I'm happy that Ron forgave both Hermione and Harry. I think that shows how much he loves Hermione, and how he can be mature and not hold a grudge. The end was really sad and I didn't like hearing that Hermione's dad was in a car accident! But the end was sweet, and I love that Ron still cares so much about Hermione. Great job with this! I didn't see many grammar or spelling mistakes, and the flow of the story was really good! 10/10
Your Secret Santa :)Author's Response: Hey there!
I'm glad you liked it and I'll go back through to check for errors!
Thanks for the review! Report Review
Heya! Perelandra here with your review!! :)
I really like the hook you used you get the reader to continue all the way to the end. So many questions I had right off the bat! The flashback was interesting! Ugh, Ron...poor thing! Honestly, I wouldn't have taken Hermione back but that's just me. Haha! The end though, I really thought that Hermione was going to leave Ron for good. The only think that struck me as odd is why didn't Ron suggest for him to go along with Hermione as well, you know? Wouldn't he, for his love towards the woman he married, quickly leave with her as well for her to not be alone? I know that I would want my husband to be there in the time of need.
Grammar wise: When Ron yells "don't you dare mate me" it reads like Ron and Harry are going to get 'busy' and mate...haha! I'm sure that's not what you meant. If you add quotation marks on 'Mate' you'll change the whole meaning.
"apologises" should be 'apologies'.
"...you've got every reason too." Too should be 'to'
Punctuation wise: you're missing some comas and sometimes, when you have a comma, it would feel better if you had a period otherwise the sentences read rather awkward.
Lastly, and this is just more of a personal thing: detail. You moved the chapter along with just dialogue. If you were to add more detail about Hermione's feelings, Ron's disappointment or Harry's anger, the reader will become more emotionally attached to them. You could have them support Ron and Hermione or cheering for Harry to just take Hermione away. Detail builds your story. You have a good premise, you just need to add a bit more meat. :)
Anyway, I suppose that's it! I hope I'm not coming across as harsh!!! :S
--Rosie/PerelandraAuthor's Response: Hey, thanks for reviewing and sorry for the late reply!
Thanks for the CC, I'll go back through and edit it. You're are'nt coming across as too harsh, i'll never improve without CC! :)
Thanks again for reviewing! :) Report Review
Here with your requested review :)
Alright, so I thought that this story had its goods and its bads. So I think I'm going to do a pro con list for you.
Ron's characterization. I thought the way he reacted to everything was quite realistic. He seemed hurt, and upset, and he did this in a completely Ron way, if that makes sense.
Also I thought Hermione was done well, I thought the entire 'I didn't want to hurt his feelings' and then being crushed when he did was completely her.
Harry I'm sort of iffy about. He seemed a little less I don't know how to explain this, but I'm going to say he seemed less secure in the books. A little more angsty I guess. That being said this takes place a little after the books, and its resonable that he is actually less angsty at this time because Voldemort isn't trying to kill everyone Harry loves anymore. So your Harry is certainly possible.
I don't think you have to lable your flash back. Just sort of say 'and then Ron drifted back into memories he tried to forget' (or something to that effect) and then switch to italics. It would make the piece seem smoother on the eyes.
Also I feel like you should add more in between Ron's reaction to him finding out Hermione was cheating, and him forgiving her. The way I read it I feel like he walked in saw it, then forgave him five minutes later. Maybe try and say he ran, and then after living in this state of pain for a week or so Hermione found him and gave her the apoligy. You could add like a lengthy paragraph of description on his feelings. It would make the pacing seem a bit smoother, and I just feel like it would make things a bit more realistic. It takes a little while for someone -especially Ron who can be known to hold grudges- to get over something like cheating.
Anyway overall I think you did a good job with this. So keep up the good work
-BW24Author's Response: Hey, thanks for reviewing and very organised :)
I'm glad you liked the characterisation of Ron and Hermione since they are the main people I write about. I don't really write about Harry so I'll go back and see what I can do with him.
I'll go back and edit it so thanks for the cc, it's really helpfull :)
Thanks again for reviewing! :) Report Review
I like the story. You should continue :)Author's Response: Aww, thank you! I'm glad you liked it :D
I'll think about writing some more and thanks for reviewing . :) Report Review
This is Wistful from HPFF forums with your requested review.
I read this story before-!
xD Its always nice to re-read it though- and review this time.
As you probably concluded, I'm not a fan of Harry/Hermione. But you used it just so well here, so I rather like it in this context. The writing really was good and the storyline was epicful. The whole thign was really put together and I can actually see this happening. This is my cue to start my pickiness. *glittery sparkly cue*
Here we go.
Right, just a quick mistake in spelling: disapparating not disaparating, two p's. I wouldn't have plucked it out hadn it not been the first word fo the story xD And the sentence here "Ronís memory subconsciously brought up another memory;" sounded somewhat awkward... different wording here, maybe?
The characterization was a definite good part. Ron really does have a temper but he does seem to love Hermione enough to forgive her the first time. He is a little moody, but he works perfectly in the seams of this fiction as our main character. Harry was a brilliant friend to our Mione in the end, just as he always did.
In the little italic flashback, there was a part that I was confused. Is this in Ron's or Hermione's point of view? I was a little confused as the whole story had been narrated from Ron's point of view but the end of the flashback was from Hermione's.
A really great read!
-WistfulAuthor's Response: Hey, thanks for reviewing! :)
I'm glad you thought you could see it happening, yea I don't like Hermione with anyone but Ron so she had to go back :D
I'll go back and edit and see what I can do with the italic part and thanks for the spelling part!
I'm glad you thought the characterisation was a good part :)
Again, thanks for reviewing! Report Review
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