So! I'm excited to be here for the second chapter!
Let's start with CC
The only thing that really stuck out at me was the memory modification. For a few reasons... one being we know it's incredibly tricky. Modifying someone to think that something happened that didn't happen, and modifying them to think that they have a child is really different. Instead of modifying one instance, like Hermione did with her parents to make them think they were in a different life, this was modifying nine month of pregnancy, then a lifetime of a child she needed to believe she was hers. Now, I'm not saying it seems impossible, I just think that maybe you should have made it sound more difficult than a - oh, we modified her memory- kind of think. It also really makes me dislike Patricia. Making someone believe they have a child that is theirs, then basically modifying the memory to forget about that child, then again giving it back to them (regardless if Astoria had a drinking issue) just feels really cruel. I think her explanation would have been taken pretty poorly by the group, who all have a strong moral compass.
Unless having her brain modified is a very important plot point, I think you'd be better off with a story along the lines of: Draco and Patricia told Astoria, they also made it clear that this needed to be a private matter. Maybe Draco threatened to freeze her finances if she so much as told anyone, and if Astoria has a drinking dependance I doubt she would have up and left him because of the pregnancy, especially because of the amount of shame it would bring on both families.
I just really don't think you wanted the make the readers dislike Patricia as she seems like she's going to play a positive character in this, but the entire thing did make me dislike her. I don't care that Draco and her had an affair, I think that things like that happen in life and you get over it, but just the fact that they played with Astoria brain so drastically seems like too much for me.
Bah, CC part is over, yay! Now onto the good stuff!!
I think you had enough detail to paint a solid picture. I was able to imagine what was happening all the way through! I also think you created a very loving feeling in the home with the Weasleys and Potters, which is just what I would want from them.
The fact that Patricia waits until morning to tell them just felt very right for me. I think sending everyone off to bed and dealing with it the next day was a very grown up thing, because we know as teenagers the trio would have wanted to know what was going on that very second .. and here, that not happening just goes miles to show me that they are all mature adults now.
I also think you did an awesome job at emotional build up in this. Everything was so tense and just so much that needed to be answered, when she finally started telling them about Scorpius I was seriously on the edge. I think a lot of writers have trouble doing that, so really great job!!
Okay, I really hope I could be helpful with this review, and please feel free to re-request :)!
JamiAuthor's Response: Thank-you, this has been quite helpful and has really made me think about this once more.
I've definitely been considering the whole memory modification thing, as you are the second one to bring it up now. And I'm constantly weighing them with the idea I have of who Patricia and Draco are.
My take on it was actually more along the lines of making her remember and then forget constantly. When Scorpius wasn't with her, it was because they made him not exist, when Scorpius was with her they made him exist. There is also heavy reliance on the alcoholism, from the experience of being around one, they honestly don't remember a whole heck of a lot. Coupled with having the baby around from infancy, I had the idea that she was more tricked than anything, her actual memories themselves being hazy at best.
Yes. the wool was pulled down over Astoria's eyes and the act is cruel. That was completely my intention. Part of the reason Patricia was nervous about telling them. The whole 'conspiracy of Scorpius' and the secrets revolving around all of this are a bigger piece in the story. This is part of why I'm so skeptical on changing this. Yes, it paints the main characters with a dark side, however, more is divulged about Astoria's demise in the next chapter. I COULD probably alter things to make Astoria know about it, but it would take away from what I have planned and would require a large chunk of re-planning.
If you have any other ideas for how I could have her not know I'm up to suggestions! Report Review
Well, questions were certainly answered here, it was all very intriguing. I like the continued development of Patricia's character- although, I have to say that I think that modifying Astoria's memory like that is downright cruel.
The sense of safety and home in the Weasley house was a little too much, I think, and I thought perhaps everything was explained a little too quickly, but overall this was an exciting chapter xD
Some CC- your spacing is a little off- I recommend that when publishing your chapters you use the simple editor- it doesn't create lots of horrible empty lines :DAuthor's Response: Thank-you for the review, I appreciate your feedback. Unfortunately I did use the simple editor, it always spaces it twice what I have it spaced when I actually submit the chapters though... Report Review
OH MY GOSH, THE DEATH EATERS ARE BACK.
This was a confusing and action-y chapter, but that was kind of the point so BRILLIANT. Awesome stuffs. :D I liked the contrast between the homeliness of the Weasley home to the danger that was felt, and whoa, Draco and Scorpius turned up? What is this?
Great chapter, it raised a lot of questions I want answering! :DAuthor's Response: aha! glad I struck up some interest, thank-you for the review! Report Review
Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review!
First of all, I really like the premise (the revival of the Death Eaters under a new dark wizard). I also like that the story gets off to a very suspenseful start. Many questions are raised (What happened at the muggle gathering? What happened to Draco? Who is leading the Death Eaters?), and I am interested enough in finding the answers to keep reading.
I did pick up on some occasional punctuation issues like comma splices: "She didn't know the children very well, as generally they were away at school, as the summer break was coming to a close, she supposed they would be headed back soon." I would put a period after "school" and begin a new sentence with "As."
Patricia seems like an interesting character, and the relationship between her and Draco has me intrigued, but I wish you had included a little more information about her in this chapter. There's no explanation for how she knows any of the other characters, and she doesn't even have a last name. Maybe these details will come in the next chapter, though. :)
Hermione appears to be absent at first, but then shows up later on the porch. I would like it better if you mentioned her earlier; perhaps describing her reaction to Patricia's arrival.
The layout of the house confused me a little, as well. You describe them heading down a corridor to the living room. Patricia hears Harry before she sees him, so I pictured a living room that would not be visible from the door. When Draco arrives, Ron sees him through a window. This was a bit jarring because it didn't match the layout in my head. I find it helps to visualize the entire space where a scene takes place as I write it, so I can work out exactly what is visible from where, and even how people get from one space to another. Maybe the door is visible from certain points in the living room, in which case I would say something like "Ron stood facing the door as they talked," at some point before he sees Draco.
You do include a lot of great description including sights, sounds, feelings and smells. I think your descriptions of different sounds are especially good: the crickets and frogs, Draco's whisper, even their loud breathing.
As I said, I'm definitely intrigued with the characters and the situation and anxious to find out more. :)Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Yes, comma splices are my downfall, but I've gotten better with them!
Hermione is absent because she's baking the cookies which Patricia is smelling when Ron stands at the door ;)
As for Patricia herself, her last name and more about her comes out in the next chapters. Her relations to them though, I thought I hinted at enough with 'a spitting image of his school boy self' and how she describes the kids as curious like their parents were, she knows them from their school days. Again however, this becomes much more evident in the next chapter.
As for the layout of the house I assure you it is correct. Here is an incredibly more detailed, some of which can be picked up in the next chapter, but as you'll read not at all necessary, layout description of the area to which you speak.
Enter door, closet immediately to right, short corridor to left which is where the pictures hang on the wall. The couch sits about three feet into the living room, directly visible from the corridor. The wall on the left side of the corridor is the same wall that runs the length of the living room. This is the wall the couch sits against. Harry is not sitting on this couch, but rather the love seat against the wall which is perpendicular to the aforementioned wall, making him not visible and his back to the corridor. Behind the couch is a large window, there are curtains on the window. They are not closed. The porch runs almost the full length of the front of the house, past this window. It is this window Ron spots Draco through. Draco is not standing directly on the porch but actually on the lawn just the other side of it.
This is how Harry is heard before seen and Draco is visible to Ron.
I think you just pictured the corridor going straight ahead, thus taking them to the back of the house, and therefore, they would not be able to see Draco and Scorpius.
Your review was very helpful, after having to explain so much, I think I might have to go back and add a couple things in... Report Review
Hey, this is a good first chapter! The ending is great and it makes you want to read on and find out what happenes next, so good job on that!
I didn't see any spelling or grammer errors and the characterisation was great! I know you said to 'pick it apart' but honestly, it's great the way it is! :) Great job!Author's Response: Really? Thanks! :) Report Review
Hi darling! Finally here with your review.
So you've incorporated an important element of a first chapter, and that's getting people interested. There's so much tension that I immediately want to know what's going on, which is a great quality to suck readers in.
We don't really have enough yet to go on characterizations. I'm curious as to Patricia and Draco's role in this, as well as learning what brought on the death eaters returning.
I think my one real CC is adding more physical description. Your emotional amount is wonderful, you really set the scene and brought this tense blanket over me. But things like - what are they doing with their hands, what look does so and so have on their face when she tells him, are the children fidgety or dragging with sleep? Those kinds of things would really go that extra mile to bring the reader in.
Like I said, your emotional descriptions in this are wonderful. I felt all this worry radiating from Patricia and then Draco, so I'm really excited to see just what happened!
One thing - I know how tempting the ?! is. But I would suggest resisting the temptation. It just doesn't look professional, and in the context of the story the reader will definitely be able to pick up the excitement without that added exclamation point.
I hope this was helpful!
JamiAuthor's Response: It was quite helpful! Thank-you very much! I'll definitely be applying some of what you've said to future chapters and pieces! :) Report Review
That was definitely an exciting and suspense-filled first chapter.
This is Wistful with your requested review.
I'm going to start you with an over-all. This is not an article of clothing. In fact, this is actually what I think of the chapter altogether, comprendo? *applause* It was a brilliant first chapter. Everything moved fast but it was well-paced. I think you've got a really good start here.
I'll start with the flow. It flowed really well. Everything was smooth and it made sense. It was a bit too fast though. I would personally put in a pargraph or two explaining certain events a little more clearly. But I understand that you're going for the raw action effect [I think] and that really does work very well.
Characterization- it was pretty good. Its the first chapter, and unless it was a one-shot, I wouldn't expect everyone's characterization to be flawless and perfect. But as it just started, I think it pretty good and really canon. Ginny being adaptable and motherly. Harry being Harry. Ron being Ron. Hermione is Hermione. I really like the way you did the the Potter children and from our brief encounter with them in the eqilogue, I say that is rather canon.
With Patricia and Draco, I can't say. I'm not completely sure about the relationship between the two plot-wise. Thoguh, from what I do see, its pretty cannon. Draco not seeking Patricia out in front of the others seems pretty much Draco. And Patricia has a wonderful start. Scorpius we don't really know in the books, but I think you did a good job with him.
I'm not going to go with the plot much as it just started apparently, but its thrilling and almsot possible. It seems too much to hope that the Deatheaters won't come back at all, and this was a thriling return. A really good job.
Flow- a bit too fast but good for first chapter.
Characterization- really good.
Plot- like it so far.
And I'm going to end with my apologies for the review taking so long. I'm really sorry about this.
-WistfulAuthor's Response: Thank-you! Your review was quite helpful! I assure you that things clear up as the story goes on, didn't want to give everything away in the first chapter, ya know? ;) thanks again! Report Review
Ah, nice cliffhanger there! It's really good so farAuthor's Response: :) thanks! haha! Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection