Hey, this is AditiDraco95 from the forums with your requested review.
I quite liked reading this piece. I think it was a very sweet tale of a mother reflecting on her daughter's past. I liked the way you portrayed Hermione and Ron, it felt realistic enough. The yearbook idea was good too.
You had a couple of grammar and spelling mistakes though, for which I suggest you getting a Beta edit them for you. Once the mistakes are fixed, your story can flow better. Also, I suggest improving more on your dialogue. Your dialogues somehow interrupted the narrative and weren't very cohesive, so if you eased them more into the story, it would be good.
Overall though, I liked reading this little story. It was a nicely thought piece. Good job on this. You sure have room for improvement =)
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Hey thanks for reviewing!
I'm glad you thought it was realistic and that it was a good idea.
I will be going over this to edit it so thanks for telling me :) Report Review
Hey, LiveLarge here with your requested review!
This was a really sweet one-shot. It was a little strange, honestly, to read about Hermione having grey hair because she will always be a teenager to me, though I guess it happens to everyone, eh? It's funny, because I can totally picture future me going through me kids' old yearbooks and finding out about all of their friends(;
The idea of Ron and Hermione going through their kids' yearbooks is certainly a new one, so great job on originality! This definitely made for a refreshing read.
There were a few things I noticed that I wanted to point out to you:
-"The bad, such as when Rose first mentioned Scorpious and she were dating- she could have sworn Ron almost had a heart attack, he still had a grudge against anything even remotely related to the name Malfoy but it had become less when Hugo had been placed in Slytherin and became friends with Scorpious."
This sentence is really long, and feels a little run together because of that. I would suggest a semicolon between "heart attack" and "he still" to separate the Rose bit from the general Malfoy bit, and a comma between "the name Malfoy" and "but it had become" to help the sentence flow a little smoother.
-"[Adain] had apparently inherited Scorpious qualities that made him a Slytherin because Adain was also sorted into Slytherin."
You have another long sentence on your hands here, so may I suggest saying "Scorpious's Slytherin qualities" instead?
-"Memories of when Rose... how nice all of the other Gryffindor’s were..."
Because it's not a conjunction nor is it possessive, I don't think Gryffindor's needs an apostrophe.
-"Now where was I, oh yeah the man was advancing towards her."
I think this sentence would flow a bit better if you split it into two and added a bit more punctuation. For example:
"Now, where was I? Oh yeah, the man was advancing toward her."
-"'Rose then listened to what the girl was trying to say before she realised she was trying to say Ridikules!'"
This is pretty minor and nit-picky, but if you're referring to the spell used against a boggart, it's spelt 'Riddikulus'. Don't worry too much about that, though.
Your characterization was very good, and I liked the way Ron still relied on Hermione to know certain things, like "Adios" and "amour de". I thought they were both very believable, and I can easily see this as a continuation of the series because of that. Even with the minor characters I think you captured their essence brilliantly, like when Neville wrote, “You’ve got your fathers looks and your mother’s brains, but you are only yourself. Good luck, Headmaster Longbottom." I can definitely hear him saying that.
Overall great read! I hope this was helpful(: Thank you for requesting, feel free to come back!
LLL(:Author's Response: Hey thanks for reviewing!
I'm glad you liked it, and I'm glad you thought it was original! :)
I'll go through my piece and edit it using the suggestions, so thanks a ton for pointing them out!
I'm glad you think the characterisation was good, that's one of the things I'm not too good at, along with spelling!
Thanks again for reviewing! :) Report Review
Heya! Perelandra here from the forums with your Pass the Parcel review! :D I'm a sucker for any Ron/Hermione stories so when I saw that you had this one with no reviews, I had to pick it!
This was a cute story! Ron and Hermione felt very close to canon and the idea of them moving to a much smaller house is very believable. Your Rose seems to have lived a very interesting life at Hogwarts, that's for sure!
However, I did spot several spots where it became hard to read. First off, the obvious part towards the very end. I think that's just an uploading problem because your paragraph are running together.
There are times where your sentences are too long/ too wordy. For example:
Shaking her head she headed for Rose's room, it now lay abandoned; the faded purple paint with random square parts that stood out, marking the places where Rose had kept photos of her favorite people and memories, and soft purple curtains were the only things left in the room except for rose’s old bed, she had no use for it at the house she was sharing with Scorpious and their two kids, Adain and Ruby.
I know you added the semicolon but I tihnk if you were to break this into two sentences, it'll read so much better. It goes the same with several spots in the fic.
It also became confusing when Hermione was reading the entries. Since Hermione is quoting them, I suggest you add a pair of apostrophes on the quote Hermione is reading. That way, it'll tell the reader that we're reading a quotation and not Hermione's dialogue.
Lastly, I spotted a few grammar and punctuation problems such as missing periods, commas and non capitalized words at the beginning of a sentence or proper nouns.
Other than that...that's it! Sorry if I sound harsh!!Author's Response: Hey, thanks for reviewing.
I'm glad you liked it!
I'll go back and try to fix the parts where it's too long and I'll definitely fix the ending, as well as doing a general check.
I'll also go and put some apostrophes around where Hermione is reading from the book- I had never thought of that so thanks for telling me!
It didnt sound too harsh, how am I supposed to improve without someone constructive criticism! :)
Thanks again! Report Review
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