I feel the need to apologize for such a late review. My review thread has been slowly compiling reviews, which I have been neglecting for the past few weeks. Anyway, here's your review.
Plot- The plot was...short and fast paced, leading to a relatively short chapter. I feel that you rushed through the events that occurred in this chapter, quickly flitting from one to the next. It almost seemed as if you were overly excited to press the "Submit Chapter" button and clicked it a bit prematurely. Additionally, the events were a little confusing. Perhaps the next chapter will enlighten readers further on the events that occurred, but, at the moment, I'm a bit baffled. An explanation might have been helpful every once in a while.
Flow- The events were a little choppy at times and the transitions were a bit rushed,
Grammar- I didn't find any spelling, grammar, or punctuation mistakes, so excellent job!
Characterization- Of course, this is the first chapter of the fanfiction and a reader will not know every last detail about every character who is mentioned. However, I feel like I don't have an understanding for each of the sisters' personalities or temperaments. I was also a little left behind when the narrator kept switching between the different characters' points of view. I would stick with narrating the life of only one character throughout your fanfiction to avoid reader confusion.
Overall, I liked this chapter and you did an wonderful job. Keep up the spectacular writing!
6/10Author's Response: Thank you for the review, late or not. I see your point, and I will be sure to go back and edit if I can find where the parts that are extraordinarily confusing are. I have tried to edit a few times already and my brain keeps screaming that it isn't confusing at all, but that is because I know what is happening in my plot.
As to characterization, I am writing through all three sisters POV, but in all the alter chapters only one of the sisters pov will be present for the entirety of the chapter so hopefully that will help reduce confusion. I appreciate this review, it was straight-forward and to the point with what really needs work and what already is going well and doesn't need as much concentration. Thank you for not filling it with fluff that isn't helpful. Report Review
Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)
I really liked the setup of this chapter, where I got to see the same scene from the perspective of all three sisters. I'm a little confused as to why Andromeda is still living in the house, if the family knows that she's a blood traitor, but I like her mediating role between Bellatrix and Narcissa. (I can see how they would have devolved a little into two extremes without her there to balance them.)
One thing I noticed is that your sentences seem a little long, which can make them difficult to follow. For example, the opening paragraph is composed of only two sentences, and I think it would flow better if you broke each one up at least once. I also noted that you made a few errors with commas and spelling, so I would suggest getting a beta from the forums to help you out with this.
I like the description, too. It was neat to see how you described the storm outside and sort of likened it to the storm going on inside with all the screaming. Hopefully the next chapter will tell the readers more about the affair with Bellatrix's fiance and the dynamics of the Black family.
Good work! I hope this review is helpful!
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Thanks Academia. It was a very Helpful review, and I'm glad that it seems interesting. I will work on getting a beta, and re-look at my sentences. Thanks again.
Broken Butterfly. Report Review
So to toss things up, I'll start off with the negative because it's short: The beginning is really confusing and I had no idea what was going on, nor their age range. I'm not really sure as to your ultimate goal, but then again, it is too early to judge.
Now for the positive: It (what was happening in the beginning) became clearer towards the end, which was good. I like how you described their family; I think it's very realistic and nicely done. Something else I like is how the beginning really caught my attention, and how there's stuff happening as soon as some one starts reading (I have so much trouble with that)
One final thought: I first read your story because I'm writing one just like it (although I'm starting earlier in their lives). Also, can you please review my story, The Sisters Three, because I would love some feedback.
I'm looking forward to chapter two and a twist.Author's Response: I'm sorry to hear my start was confusing, i'll be sure to check on that and edit it. I'm glad it became more clear in the end and that it is enjoyable and when I have the time, I will be sure to give a review on your story. I'll add it to my favorites now and get to it when I can. thanks for the review. Report Review
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