OK Jenna this is my favorite chapter by far:-)Author's Response: Thanks
here's a wittle bunny! Report Review
Laurenzo7321 here with your requested review!
I thought this was a very interesting start to your story and I did really enjoy it. You've left a bit of a cliff hanger though which was rather mean!!
One bit of CC I would give is to be to be careful you don't rush things. You've got a great story with loads of interesting stuff happening but particuarly at the end we got no details or description and it was just a bit of a shame.
I know you said this is only a rough draft but another thing to watch out for is that the spacing is a bit stange and it's a bit off putting when you're reading it. The paragraph that starts with Shay yelling when Mars is hostage has big gaps inbetween words. I know the editor is sometimes a huge pain but it would help if you got the chance to fix it :)
Mars is a really interesting character. I loved the line about her being just a regular know it all! They are certainly a big family! While it wouldn't be possible to give details on all her sisters/brothers I missed finding out some details about maybe a few of them? Like Shay or Evelyn at the start as they feature more maybe? Just something to think about :)
I most certainly don't think your story is boring though and you definitely have a good plot going on which makes me want to read more and find out what it is!
Well done on a great start!
Lauren Report Review
Hi there! This is Courtney, here for your requested review:)
I would like to start of by saying that I really like the idea for this story! We definitely don't see enough fanfictions revolving around first and second years, so I think this is a great idea-well done for giving it a try!
I can already tell that you have the makings of a great author. There are some very funny lines in her, that put a little grin on my face. Lines like; ' I know, I sound like a snooty know-it-all, but Iím not. Just a regular know-it-all' and 'Itís like my mom was trying to prove herself crazy.' These lines were both very cute and gave me insight into Mars' character.
I think one thing you need to work on is your imagery. Trust me, I KNOW how difficult this is-I am constantly struggling with it myself, but good imagery can really take a good fanfiction up to the next level. I must say, you definitely seemed to warm up towards the second half of this chapter, and I felt myself getting very into the story. This bit: 'The walls were stacked floor to ceiling rows and rows of books. There was even a tiny loft built to store more books. The piles of books all looked prone to topple over, so I suppose they were held up by magic. If they werenít Iíd be killed in an avalanche of paper and textbook' was great, and if you keep writing like that, you'll be gold. Just watch out for grammar, spelling and typos-for example I'm fairly sure you were meant to say 'textbook' rather than 'textblock'.
Mar's character seems very cute. I like the fact that she enjoys books so much, and her personality as an eleven year old seems very accurate. I liked the line; 'I never dog-eared pages, or left paperbacks open because it would ruin their spine. All my books (and I had a lot) were in perfect condition, except for the few that were second hand or hand-me-down' because it really gives insight into her personality.
I have to admit, I feel like some parts of this chapter were a little rushed, specifically the couch cushion fight scene. This was a nice touch to the chapter, but I feel like it could be made so much more effective if you lengthened it out a little, added a bit more description. Even if instead of just saying; 'He managed to hold me down while Ida took down the curtains and began wrapping me in them' you could say something like 'I felt a firm pair of hands pushing me down onto the sofa, making it impossible to break free. There was a victorious giggle from behind me, and then a horrible ripping sound as my charming sister Ida pulled down the curtains. Whatever she's planning...it is not going to end well.' Little details really add to the story, trust me.
I'm really sorry if you think I'm being too harsh, but I think this is a chapter with great potential, and I just want to help you make it then best it can possibly be!
Courtney:)Author's Response: ~Courtney~
Thank you so much for the review! It wasn't harsh, and even if it was, I needed to hear it. I've found that my family and friends won't give me any negative feedback about it, which really annoyed me. I knew that there was something wrong with the story, but they refused to tell me. So I turned to fellow fanfiction-ers such as you for help and I can't thank you enough.
I did feel it was rushed in a lot of places, so thanks for pointing that out. And I completely agree that it sounds so much better with the added details. I did find a lot of grammar/spelling mistakes that I was too lazy to fix :( I don't edit chapters before putting them up so there's a lot of those. I do feel kinda guilty about that because I hate when I read stories and they're full of mistakes. It's a bad habit that I really should break.
Thanks again for the review. It'll definitely help the next time I work on my story.
~JJFuzzyhead Report Review
des-per-ate~love audrey Report Review
really Jenna your so desperate~audrey Report Review
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