Hello! Santa again!
Once more, I really enjoyed this chapte. Firstly, it seemed to be just the right length. Not too short but short enough to keep it engaging. I find writing a chapter that is the perfect length can be hard but you do it well.
Remus. I like your characterisation of him and he reflects the image I had in my mind. Funny yet smart and not too immature. Well done on that.
I do like your characterisations. Catie seems to be a very bold personality and I'm starting to get her as a person now. Though I'd like to hear a bit more in this story about Helen. What is she like? She doesn't seem to get as many mentions as Catie or Dorcas. Sera is written well though, I think I'm starting to get he bigger picture of her personality now and I like her.
This chapter seemed to me to be a lot more serious than he previous one. I don't know if it was because Sera's mum had more of a mention or that there was a lot more description and thoughts but I liked it. You've seemed to link in the issue about her mum well without making it overpowering. Well done.
This chapter flowed especially well and I really like how you're going with this story. I hope Sirius starts to like Catie but he hasn't really made an appearance yet so I don't know... I'm liking Remus though and can see him being with Sera or Dorcas though if might be too early to tell.
Anyway, another great chapter! Merry Christmas,
Santa. Report Review
Santa here again to spread the Christmas cheer.
Okay, so I really enjoyed the second chapter to this story. It was quite a contrat to the first chapter as this had quite a lot of typical teenage character banter compared to the more serious issues of the last chapter. Those issues wfere still there in this chapter but it would have been nice if they were made a little more prominent in Sera's thoughts.
That aside, so far I really like all the characters you have. I have a feeling that there is a lot more to these characters than the reader already knows which is a good thing! Also, none of them are Mary Sue's or have similar personalities so that's good. I like the contrasting in characters and it will be nice to see how they interact with each other as the story goes on.
Once more, your description is flawless. There wasn't as much here than there was in the last chapter and yes, I might have liked a little more, but overall you had a good balance of dialogue which is also well written and dynamic.
One little thing, I noticed you used the word semester which is an American word. That was one of the only things I picked up on really.
God job though, the flow of the story was great and I really like it so far. You're a great writer!
Santa. :) Report Review
Me again. You'll be happy to know you're still on the nice list. :P
So I really enjoyed this! It was a great prologue and a nice introduction to the story! Again, your description is one of the best I have seen. You go into so much detail yet it isnt boring.
This was quite a short chaper and I know that it is a prologue bu I would have liked it to be a little longer. It did set the scene and introduce the characters but I would have loose it to be a little more engaging.
I love the characterisation of Sera's mother. It's really sad, yet you write it with emotion but also with integrity so well done for that! I also have a lot I empathy for Sera and wonder how hard it would be if that happened to my mum so even though I can't relate, I can empathise and your writing skills help me do this!
The flow was vey good and I liked the dialogue!
Santa. :) Report Review
Only just noticed this has been updated and I love it!!
So glad we finally found out about Sera's mum's condition. Spell damaged didn't even cross my mind, I was thinking of muggle things.
I know it's Sirius/OC but I'm shipping Sera/Remus!. Remus is just so cute! ♥
Can't wait for the next update and looking forward to seeing how things plan out
-Potterfan310 Report Review
I really like Sera and her easy going style. She is such a lovely character and I love how you bring her to life. She has all this worry and yet she puts it aside and is determined to keep on going no matter how tough it may be.
I think the characterization of the four girls is perfect. You have them well balanced with one another and their friendship feels genuine. I also liked Aaron. He was an interesting character. =D
I really like how you are taking this plot line and tying it together with the Marauders. They aren't front and center and really gives a fresh breath of air to the story.
My interested is spiked and I look forward to reading more of this new story! Keep up the awesome writing! =)
-SR17 Report Review
Finally here with your review! A new story!?! =D you never disappoint that is for sure. I love this!
I really enjoy how with this story you really jump right into a great story line and showing us the character it does a great job of hooking the reader and keeping the interest alive.
I really thought that your characterization was perfect. It is smooth, I am able to connect with the characters and I find them believable. I like how caring Sera is and wanting to take care of Maman. You see her in such a vulnerable way right off the bat.
I like the new story so far and I like the introduction of the new characters. I am looking forward to reading more and seeing where this new adventure of yours takes the readers!
Keep up the awesome writing! =)
-SR17 Report Review
Hi! Here with a review for the prologue, as requested!
To start off with your first concern, and the thing that is always in the forefront of my mind when I read or write opening chapters--I thought this was a good start to the story. You showed me a very clear picture of Sera's issues at home, and gave me a good sense of what her motivations are. She obviously cares very much about her mother's well-being, and she's driven to become a Healer because of that. There's only one thing I could suggest in terms of making it a little more engaging, and that's that I think it would have been good to expand a little more on the conflicts that Sera will be facing as she heads back to school, beyond the academic ones. I liked that you ended the chapter on a bit of a cliffhanger--that's really effective in first chapters. Maybe even if you had just expanded that sentence slightly, it would have really refocused attention on what's coming up (and therefore, why people should really keep reading).
I did like your characters, and I didn't feel like they were cliched or one-dimensional. Sera's motivation to become a Healer, but also her frustration with the fact that she has to be apart from her mother for so long, was what really stood out to me about her in this chapter and gave me a sense of who she is. The way you wrote Sera's mother was very realistic. The only odd moment of characterization that I noticed was when Sera asked what was going to happen to her mother when she left for school--with all of her concern about her mother's well-being, it struck me as a little odd that she hadn't made all of the arrangements concerning who was going to take care of her mother. It would have seemed more in keeping with her character to just have her express her concern to Jonathan, and then he could have reassured her that his mother would take good care of hers (or something along those lines, anyway).
You also asked about grammar--I think this was really well-written. I wouldn't have been able to tell that English wasn't your first language at all, if you hadn't told me. The only little thing I noticed was that you had a few sentences that were comma splices (i.e., two full sentences separated by a comma instead of a period/semi-colon).
"She didn't lift her glance from her knit work, she was concentrating hard on the slow movement of her needles and I doubted that she had heard me."
"The years hadn't been kind to my mother, her long and once beautiful blonde hair had already turned grey, making her look older than she really was."
"But she wasn't listening anymore, she was knitting again and humming the old nursery rhyme."
I tried to think about whether any of these would sound better with a period/full-stop than a semi-colon, or vice versa, but I think either way would work.
So, to summarize, I thought it was very well-written, I liked the characters and how realistic they were, and I think you did a good job with crafting a first chapter (and especially an ending for it) that will pique readers' interest. I hope the other comments I had were helpful to you! :)Author's Response: OMG, I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to respond to this lovely review! But I'm here now so better late than never, right? No? Please forgive me *sobs* d:
Thank you so much for those tips. I'll definitely look into them when I edit this the next time, because they make sense!
Hmm, I think I need to reword that part, if you got that impression. Because that wasn't my intention. Thank you for pointing it out! And I'm really glad you liked my characters (:
Thank you so much for your lovely review, it was extremely helpful and gave me a lot to think about! And once again sorry for taking so long to respond to this! Report Review
*fangirls over Remus*
ohmygod. I don't even care, that this is labeled Sirius/Oc and I know perfectly well that Remus is just a minor character here. *keeps proudly fangirling*
I love how you've managed to write Sera's awkwardness and her loathing of getting herself in embarrassing situations that she knows she can prevent. I can (way too perfectly) relate to her mind going into overdrive at "how the hell am I going to do that inconspicuously" when Catie asks her to talk to Remus about Sirius.
And James! He wasn't even in the part, but 'using' Sirius to weed out the people who aren't serious about Quidditch... got to love him. I am still curious as to his reasoning for being in the Slytherin corridor and I'm half way wondering if there was someone else there under his invisibility cloak, but I'll just go along with his 'Head Boy' story for now. I think his stuttering and 'trying to keep things inconspicuous' were really humorous and in character for him :)
I really like how you work in the details about Sera's mother's condition, and the constant progression or regression of her status. It's not like it's something your randomly throwing in, it all really fits with her story and it brings such a lovely depth to her tale.
I was halfway through nodding when I realised what I was doing. "No! Absolutely not! I - oh lord... I'd be dead if you did that, how did you even guess it?" - Loved. just loved. So perfectly awkward :D
*steals Remus and runs*
Lovely chapter! I can't wait to read more of this, and - of course - more of tntly :) Talk to you soon!
-JulieAuthor's Response: Haha ^^ I'm so glad you like him! That's a huge compliment for me because I know how much you like him so that can only mean that I've written him well and hopefully kept him in character d:
Glad you liked the awkwardness. That's always the easiest for me ton write because I'm such an awkward person in real life d: seriously, I always end up in the most uncomfortable situations. It's my talent d:
Hmm, we'll see if you'll find that out at some point d: but I'm really glad you liked James too ^^
Yeah, I don't want to give every piece of information immediately, I need to keep some of the mystery up (:
Yey for favourite quotes!
No! Don't take Remus yet, I still need him for my story. Okay, maybe you can borrow him for a while, but I need him back soon!
Next chapter of tntly is almost done! So you don't have to wait long (hopefully) d:
Thank you, dear, once again ♥ Report Review
Hello, dear! I'm really enjoying this story, now that I've started to get into it. As you weave in more and more of the canon characters, I'm finding it easier and easier to connect with your original characters, if that makes sense? Something about putting them into context, I guess. At any rate, everything felt much easier to process in this chapter, like I was really immersed in what was going on.
So there was one thing right near the beginning that I found a little odd. It's so small I almost feel bad mentioning it, but it's really the only constructive criticism I could come up with, so here goes. If Sera is a Hufflepuff, it seems strange that she wouldn't be able to find her way to the kitchens. Their common room is supposed to be very close to them. It's a minor thing, but really, the only thing that comes to mind as far as a suggestion.
Poor Sera. It's sad to see her digging through the same, old library books that she's already read, trying to find some insight on her mother's condition. But it also helped to continue developing her character and also revealed a bit of new information about her mother. It seems like her illness is more than simple dementia? And Sera is such a dedicated daughter, spending her free time looking for that one bit of insight that leads to a cure.
And we have an interesting little interaction with Remus. Granted, he's generally friendly, but there certainly felt like a tiny flash of chemistry here. More on that later...
Sera's friends are just girly to the max, aren't they? Sitting at Quidditch try-outs, ogling Sirius without his shirt on? Ha, I love the mental image. And I love Dorcas's dissection of James's strategy. Makes perfect sense. I'm not sure what to say about Sera continuing to do the dirty work for Helen and Catie. I'm way out of my depth in this sort of high school girl crush management. But it certainly feels believable to me.
Even aside from discovering that James is up to something -- when isn't he up to something, really? -- I thought that Remus and Sera's prefect rounds were the most interesting part of the chapter. For Sera's part, it almost seems like she wants to open up to Remus about her mother, but she's either scared to let him in or she doesn't quite know how. And you let another juicy little detail slip. So her mother isn't just suffering from dementia at all, there was some sort of magical injury involved. Ooh, I can't wait to find out what!
Remus's reaction to her seemingly innocent question was pretty easy to understand, based on his secret that we're already well aware of. But it still seemed a bit, I don't know, abrupt. Maybe you've concocted some other secrets for him, as well.
OK, I am rapidly starting to reassess which Marauder I think you're going to hook Sera up with. Sirius is old and busted. Remus is the new hotness. Now don't go throwing Peter into the mix, because you will really confuse me! ;)
Well done, as always!Author's Response: Yey, I'm glad you're liking my story ^^ and like I said, I do know what you mean. It always takes some time for me too to really get into a story and see how much I like it (:
Hmm, well, I guess that's just a personal preference. I don't think that many students knew the whereabouts of the kitchens. I can't remember seeing anyone else there during the books other than the trio. Fred and George obviously knew about it since they were the ones who told Hermione and I'm thinking they knew it because of the Marauders map. So that's the reason why Sera doesn't know about it. Make sense?
Yeah. You'll find more about her mother's sickness in the future chapters. I'm hoping that the dedication fits well on her character, since she is a Hufflepuff.
Yeah, they are d: and I'm glad you think it's believable because it's been so long since I've been involved with school girl drama like that. But I guess I still have more experience about it than you d:
Glad you liked the Prefect rounds! It was fun to write, even though I was a bit nervous about Remus's character. Hopefully I did a good job with him (:
About Sera. She's quite open about her mother and the state she is in to all her friends, and she doesn't have any problems about that. It's more like, she knows how people usually react to it and she doesn't want them pitying her. But she doesn't want to lie about it, so she'll tell if somebody asks her about it.
And yes, it's a magical injury. But more about that later d:
We'll see, we'll see. Hopefully it'll all make sense once the story develops (:
Haha, actually there will be some Peter in the next chapter d: let's see what you think then ^^
Thank you, dear, once again for such an awesome review! Report Review
*hyperventilating, because if I don't get first I'm going to go on some crazy rampage*
I can't believe this chapter is finally out. I've been waiting forever and now I need the next one, but I need the next lot of Gwen and James even more and oh my God, Hanna, why can't you just write all the time? Like, screw sleeping and eating and even breathing if you have to, just so you can update faster and I don't care if that's a selfish request from me, because I am in love with your stories so much I am going to die and in my head I've written this whole thing without saying a breath, oh my God.
But seriously. New chapter. Soon, missy. I am in neeed! D:Author's Response: Breathe, Adele, breathe ^^
You will get the next chapter as soon as possible, but first you'll get some Gwames! I'll try to write as fast as I can and not get distracted by graphic making d:
But thank you, dear ♥ Report Review
I liked her friend Aaron the most. He seemed really nice. I liked how you're portraying Sera's relationship with her mum. With each chapter, we can see how important her mum is to her. The story is still developing. So I can't wait to see what happens next.Author's Response: Glad you like him. I'm quite fond of Aaron too.
I'm glad you think the story is developing. Thank you again (: Report Review
Hello Elenia. This was a start beginning. I can't wait to see how Sera meets Sirius. I have a feeling their chemistry will be quite amazing. best of luck with the new story, Elenia! :DAuthor's Response: Aww, thank you, dear (: I'm glad you enjoyed it! Report Review
I've been looking for some more chaptered Sirius fics - I love this story already! Shall be reading on.Author's Response: Thank you! Glad you liked it! I'll try to update this soon! Right after my other WIP (: Report Review
Okay, I really think you’ve taken a great step in this chapter. I think that ‘everyday’ type scenes are skipped over by writers so much because they aren’t dramatic or crazy or anything, but they are so insanely important in giving us realistic characters. They make everything feel like it’s not just words and chapters, but an actual story.
Anyway, I think that you’ve started in a very strong and stable place. I like that you are avoiding the cliches - our main characters and Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw, and it’s clear Catie likes Sirius but we know she’ll end up with Sera, how will that happen? What kind of toll will it take on the friendship?
You’ve set us up for really interesting situation and made me really excited to see how it will play out!
Now onto more Sirius (serious haha) things - which aren’t actually more serious, but I just wanted to use that. mwahaha.
I love that you are giving us such a good insight to what is happening with Sera’s mother, and showing us what a great friend Dorcas is really helps her character start to form. But, the dialogue seems a bit... obvious. Only pieces of it, though. Maybe some hesitation before Dorcas asks those very painful questions, or her asking them in more of a whisper.. something like that to show the seriousness of the conversation. And because they’ve been friends for six years, I’m sure she knows Sera’s feelings towards morning in general, and it seems odd she would bring up such an emotional thing so easily.. you know? The fact that she is opening the daily prophet is a great lead in to it is hard to pass up, so maybe just make the conversation seem more quiet, hushed, more like walking on egg shells?
I really think the characters you’ve introduced are strong ones that you are giving a great foundation. They are all different and individual, and I want to know what the heck is wrong with Sera’s maman!! You’ve already crossed of regular Alzheimer's, I must know!!!
Anyway, I really liked this chapter and am excited for the next one!
Hope this review was helpful!
JamiAuthor's Response: Hey ^^
I agree! The 'everyday stuff' gets skipped so often! I'm always frowning about that when I read stories where the kids have practically no homework and don't ever go to classes.
Yeah, that's what I'll try to do, avoid the cliches as well as possible!
Aah, I see what you mean. That's a really good point. In my head they were sitting quite far from the other puffs so the conversation was pretty private, but I should've made that more clearer. I'll add something to it once I edit this! Thanks for pointing it out ^^
You'll find a bit more about Sera's mum's condition in the next chapter which should clear some things (and also give you more things to question (; )
Thank you so much for this lovely and helpful! review! (: I'll definitely re-request once the next chapter is out! Report Review
Oh this is so interesting!
I am wondering if this involves the next generation childrens children because Sera calls her Maman which is a French greeting for a mother so I can't help but wonder if this lady who seems to be suffering from alzheimers/dementia is infact Victoire or Dominique or even Gabrielle? *random thought*
I do like where this story is going! Please continueAuthor's Response: Haha, interesting theory, even though it's an impossible one since this story is Marauders era (;
But thank you for reviewing and I'm glad you liked it ^^ Report Review
Aah, another brilliant chapter from you, I say! :D Sorry, by the way, for the atrociously late reply. RL is so mean to me! I loved the fact that Sera is in Hufflepuff - it's so often that the protagonist is in Slytherin or Gryffindor, so I'm quite glad for the change! And having friends in different houses, too - you're really exploring the whole boundaries thing, and I adored it. There weren't very many mistakes that I spotted - most of the time, your grammar and spelling are flawless - though there were these two:
I'd really like to know if the Ministry is even close to catching - it's 'are', love, not 'is' ;) Just thought that I might as well point it out since you asked.
first train tip to school - at first I completely skipped over this, since it's such a little mistake, but nevertheless, it should be 'trip'.
Flow and pacing - they're good! It doesn't feel like it's a slow chapter, nor is it so fast that no one can keep up with it. I think you've found just the right balance in between the two, which I'm glad for since it's such a good story so far! I also find your plot very interesting - Catie's sure uppity! :p Not that I don't like her - I do - it's just that it's so strange why she just won't go up to Sirius herself, but I can totally try to guess how your plot will play out, and I can't wait to see more!
Aaron! I love him. I know someone named Aaron who's a sweetheart so I think I'm just biased, but yours is so adorable, and I love how he cheers up Sera and have their exchange and all. Anyway, thanks for requesting, feel free to re-request, and good luck with the rest of the story! It's certainly shaping up to be a good one ;)
--LinnAuthor's Response: Oh, don't worry, dear. I understand perfectly how crazy RL can be.
Yeah, that's the reason why I chose her to be a Hufflepuff. There are so many Gryffies and Snakes out there, and even Ravenclaws (although not as many). And yeah, they can't all just be friends with only their housemates (x
Ooh, thanks for pointing those out! I'll correct them asap!
Great. That's always nice to hear! Balace is good ^^
Haha, I actually know someone who's just like Catie in that way. She'd never approach a guy first, they always have to come to her d:
I'm glad you like Aaron! I'm quite fond of him too!
Thank you so much for your lovely and heloful review! I'll definitely re-request once I update! Report Review
This is really good so far and I love Sirius/OC!
Sera is really sweet and I feel bad for her in the prologue, Her mother doesn't remember her (has she got dementia?) and her father is dead and it doesn't seem like she has any other family. Bless her.
It doesn't seem like Sera has had much of a childhood as she is her mother's main carer. I'm looking forward to find out a bit more about Sera's backstory and her family.
I'm thinking she was a quiet child, not many friends. I like how she is friends with Dorcas. She's not someone you see often.
I'm surprised to see James as head boy. I'm thinking your trying to show him as less of a trouble maker maybe?. Is Sera friends with Lily or do they become friends?
Jonathon seems like an interesting character. I think it's great to see that Sera has someone close to home who helps. Maybe he could have wrote to Sera from time to time since she say's he thinks of her and her mother like family.
It'll be interesting to see how Catie/Sirius works out especially if Sera and Sirius get together.
I think her relationship with Aaron is cute and I hope we see more of them. :D
"every healing spell and potion recipe were corroded
in my mind" - It doesn't quite sound right. Maybe burned or seered.
I'm excited to read the next chapter and to see what happens. :D
P.s Is Sera French as she calls her Maman?Author's Response: Aww, I'm so glad you like it ^^
No, she doesn't have dementia. Her memory problems have a different reasons, you'll find out something about it in the next chapter (:
She did have a proper childhood, but she's had to grow up much too soon after what happened to her parents.
James was head boy in canon, that's why he's one in my story too ^^ Sera knows Lily because they're both prefects, but that's about it.
They have, a few times, but Sera doesn't feel it's the same thing and Jonathan knows her dislike for owls so that's why he avoids it.
Her mother is French, but her dad was a Brit (:
Thank you so much for your lovely review! Report Review
Aw, this was so lovely!
I love how you rationalized her fear of owls and gave her multiple reasons for it. Putting it in a different light, owls are kind of creepy! We love them because it's sort of a symbol of the Harry Potter world, but really just imagining breakfast is a bit terrorizing. I especially loved the emotional connection that she never gets letters so she has that as a secondary reason to dislike them.
I think she has such a lovely group of friends. Dorcas is one of those potential characters (being that all we really know is that she was in the order) so I really like how you are using her. Especially making her a Hufflepuff! (which you already know I love) but I only always see Marauder era Order members as Gryffindors so I think that's a lovely change of pace.
Aaron really was a good friend. - *sighs* the stab of the friendzone. Poor kid. I love all of your original characters! It was quite a few but you still managed to give each one of them their appropriate times to shine so each one of them still stands out in my mind. I thought Aaron was sweet! I also like how you are making her not 'best friends with Lily' and all those other Marauder cliches we talked about :p But I like how you took the Lily and James aspect and talked about it normally. I think it set Sera apart that - not necessarily that she didn't care - but that it wasn't on her top list of teenage drama that Lily and James have all of that 'hatred' tension.
I really love wallflower characters (and the socially awkward ones :p) because they're so relatable, but giving her the popularish best friends gives the story that sense of balance that I'm so fond of in your writing.
Lovely work dear! Can't wait to read more of this and tntyl♥
-JulieAuthor's Response: Haha, yes! They are! I never could understand how people could be so calm about it when there were birds flying around - while they were eating! Yuck!
I knew you'd love it that the two of them were Puffs ^^ there seriously are too few stories where the MC is from the house of yellow and black so I wanted to change that!
Yes, that's how Sera sees him, let's hope it's enough for him too ^^
And yeah, I'm sure Sera would've noticed more if she had paid attention but she has bigger things in her mind to do so.
Thank you so much, sweetie ♥ all your support is so wonderful! Report Review
Hello, dear! Thanks so much for helping Gryffindor take the cup! And for being such a good sport about my good-natured ribbing. ;) Here is your review.
After your prologue, I had a lot of questions about where Sera comes from, where you were planning to take her and what sort of life she leads. A lot of things started to come into focus in this chapter.
Sera's dislike of owls was a clever little touch, especially when you go into the underlying reasons why. It's one of those small details that helps to round her out by way of example.
Dorcas! I still have this very soft spot in my heart for Dorcas after finishing Pix's Snape/Dorcas (lovingly referred to as Snorcas) story, so I'm very eager to see what sort of persona you're going to create for her. She's obviously younger in your story, and happier and more carefree. She also seems to be very close to Sera and she is obviously aware of her mother's condition and very supportive. You make her out to be a good friend, which makes me happy.
Next we meet Professor Sprout, who seems nicely in character. Her motherly approach to her students combined with her fascination with all things flora felt very familiar. So Sera and Dorcas are Hufflepuffs. An interesting choice, and not a common one. I bet that 75% of the stories in the archives center on bold Gryffindors and cunning Slytherins.
And their best friends are Ravenclaws! You're eschewing all of the common cliches, at least so far, and I love it. Give me something different and interesting! So far, I'm liking Sera and Dorcas more than Catie and Helen, but I think that's just personal preference. So Catie has her sights set on Sirius Black? Oh, my. She doesn't think small, does she? I see some major heartbreak in her future, and I'm not even talking about what happens after James and Lily die. Seems like they have one of those incredibly elaborate, "foolproof" plans that only make sense when you're 16 years old and full of sugar and hormones. That should be very entertaining, to say the least...
Poor Sera. So cold of her ex to dump her just because she needs to take care of her sick mother. At the same time, I guess you could say that she dodged a bullet there. It would be terrible to realize that he's a jerk after she got even more involved with him.
The next character we meet is Aaron, who also seems like a good, solid, supportive friend. Also a bit protective of Sera, it seems. At least close enough that it would bother a jealous boyfriend...
"It mostly looked like she wanted me to sprout some sort of plant or maybe a snake from my mouth and use it to kill my potions partners." - Ah, the subtleties of non-verbal communication. ;)
And I guess I was wrong about Sera being in the Slug Club. Not interesting enough? Well I'm interested!
Oh, goodness, this plan of Catie and Helen's just seems to get more and more complex. Still Sera isn't giving up on it, which is what friends do!
Overall, this seemed like a good first chapter to me. A lot of major players were introduced and the situations you created gave us some good context to put around them. Sera is beginning to take shape as an individual, and even though her inner monologue veers in the direction of dry self-deprecation at times, you kept her out of the "Gwen Zone" that we were discussing. She's now distinct in my mind.
Your writing was lovely, as always. The characters, places and happenings were easy to follow in my mind and the dialog sounded very smooth and natural. Nice job!Author's Response: Hello ^^ and no problem (x
Yes, this chapter started to unravel the mysteries of Sera, even though it barely scraped the surface d:
Glad you liked the owl-part! It was a great way of showing something of her character, and to start the chapter.
Ooh, I have to read that one! I've always liked Dorcas as a character and I have great plans for her in this story ^^
Yes, definitely trying to avoid most of the cliches here. Hopefully I'll succeed and still manage to keep it interesting (x
Aaron and Sera are quite close. I'll show more of their friendship more in the later chapters.
Yep, you were, sort of. She was a part of it for a short period, so you were close!
I'm glad you think that! I'll try to keep her out of 'Gwen Zone'. The two girls have some similar qualities but they are also quite different.
Thank you, dear, for such a lovely review once again! And for all the help! You're the best ♥ Report Review
Hi again! I really like this chapter. The devotion that Sera shows to her mother carries on really well again throughout this chapter. Her friends are crazy! Haha all their scheming with Sirius. I laughed so hard at the part where they were trying to mime to eachother, because that is just like my friends too! I love Aaron and I can't wait to see more of him, and just more of this story in general. Good job!Author's Response: Aww, I'm glad you do ^^
Haha, yeah, her friends are crazy. Sera's the most mature one of them, but she really does have the reasons for that. Ohg, and yey for you liking Aaron! I'm quite fond of him too already (:
Thank you again for reviewing (:
Why are you perfect? Like, seriously... Perfect. What's even better is the fact that I know what is going to happen and that it's just going to keep getting better and better. ^_^
Not even kidding, I'm hanging out for the next chapter of TntLY, but I'm sort of really happy that the next chapter of this was uploaded, not going to lie.
Sirius is too perfect. I have a lot of feels already. But Joshua still holds my heart, so it's all good. Sera can have Sirius ( for now. I make no promises that I won't get greedy and want both later :P)
Love love love,
Adele. ^_^Author's Response: Meow to you too ^^
Haha, I think you have me confused with yourself, because you're the perfect one here ♥
I happy that you think he's perfect (even if he hasn't even spoken yet in this (; )
Thank you once again, love, for all your help and support! You rock! Now stop reading this and go write me some more Keira/Sirius! Report Review
I'm kind of a snob when it comes to fanfiction. I can only bring myself to read really good ones. This is definitely set to become one of my favourites! I love Aaron and his friendship with Sera, I think you made that pleasantly realistic, so I hope he continues to play a part throughout the rest of this story.
I think this is the only story I have ever reviewed twice! And quite a long review for me as well! Hope you continue to write more, (:Author's Response: Aww, thank you ^^
That's a huge compliment then! I'm really glad you feel that way about my story!
Thank you for your review and I hope I see you here next time too (x Report Review
Oooh nice first chapter! I love how we got so much more information about Sera's Hogwarts life and got to meet her friends :) You sure do like the unusual names, don't you? Dorcas is so different from anything I've heard before but I really like it :p
I'm interested in seeing how this whole Catie/Sirius stuff works out. I feel like she's too confident in herself and maybe she'd get his attention if she turned it down a bit? Hmmm!
Anyways, I liked the relationship between Aaron and Sera, it was so cute! I could tell (I hope I'm not wrong) that he likes her but didn't want to say anything. :)
Sorry about the rambling, I just really like this so far :) I can't wait for an update & this was a really good chapter!
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Glad you liked it ^^
I do like the unusual names, but I can't take credit for Dorcas. She is JKR's character after all (: one of the members of the original OotP.
We'll see, you'll have to wait for the next chapters to find out d:
I'm glad you liked Aaron ^^ I'm quite fond of him already too (:
Oh don't worry, sweetie. You can ramble anytime you want! The next chapter is ready and will be in the queue immediately after 'TntLY' - 18 gets validated (:
Thank you for your lovely review and all your support! Report Review
Hello! TenthWeasleyWriter here with your requested review, and I'm sorry about the small delay. :)
Right away the first thing I noticed is that this is really written pretty well, and as someone who's rather finnicky about grammar in the first place, it's so nice to read a story like this. Not having to stumble over missed commas or misspellings makes the whole chapter flow much more smoothly, and it's appreciated by readers in general -- not just me! Especially since you've said English wasn't your first language -- you write better than many people who speak it fluently! :P There were only a couple of slips I found on that front:
A small bubbly laughter filled the room. -- The word 'laughter' seems rather off when used here. Perhaps consider changing it to 'laugh' instead?
every healing spell and potion recipe were corroded in my mind -- I'm not sure the word 'corroded' is the correct one in this sentence. 'Burned' or 'imprinted' might work better, or a synonym to them! :)
As for characterization, I don't think you've got much to worry about there! I'm rather interested in Sera, and especially Sera's mother. I'm curious what you've got in store for her, and what exactly happened to her mother to put her in the state she's currently in -- was it the death of her husband? You've already evoked plenty of sympathy for both of the characters, and in only the first chapter, which is a good thing. :)
All in all, I think that you're off to a very good start here! This was an enjoyable read, and you've provided a nice hook into the rest of your story. Thank you for taking the time to request a review from me!Author's Response: Aww, thanks ^^
I agree, it's so much more nicer to read something where you don't get distracted with grammatical errors all the time.
Thanks for pointing those out! I'll edit them as soon as possible!
I'm glad you like them all ^^ first chapters and OCs are always the hardest. I'm very happy that you found them to be interesting!
Thank you again for such a lovely and helpful review! Report Review
It's Lucky here with your review! :D
I must say, I'm pretty much bouncing up and down to read this because it's marauders. It's Sirius/OC. And those, m'dear, are my most favorite things!
Summary: 10/10 I've never been much for the one line summary, but you said something that actually worked. :D
Graphics: 10/10 You have chapter images too! You have so much more ambition than I do. lol. *I rhymed!*
"I stared back, trying to get her to recognize me, but also to memorize every single thing on her face so I could last for the next few months I was away from her."
-Oh, dear. :( This is quite sad. See, this is the way to open a story, by gum! What kind of uninterested lunatic could stop reading now? Not this lunatic. I'm also relieved that you aren't one of *those* Sirius/OC writers. You know.*whispers* The ones that suck. lol. You have a talent. Beautiful writing! *confetti falls on your head*
“It’s me, Maman, Sera,” I told her and prayed with everything I had in me that today was a good day. I wasn’t sure if I could deal with the disappointment now."
-Ouch. Stop tugging at my heartstrings, woman! :) *sniffle* Poor Sera.
“Always, darling, you don’t have to worry about me. I have your father for company,” she responded, picking up her knitting again. The stabbing in my heart returned at the thought of my dad, who had been dead for two years already."
-*sob*...Ahem. What I mean is...ouch. Don't they have a place for people like her? somewhere so she won't have to worry? This is terrible. I swear, if Sirius is rude to her, I will smack him silly. I don't care if I heart him, he's going down. *puts on smacking gloves*
...see what you did there? You made your character someone special. She wasn't just some random person who we were forced to learn about (ie; I have pink hair and silver eyes and I'm wearing this. *nasally imitation voice*) Your character is a little sweetheart and I want to know more about her! And there isn't another chapter yet?! *glomps*...I sense I should move on. ;)
"“She’ll be fine, my mum is here to watch after her while I’m away,” he reassured, wrapping his hand around my shoulders. “You don’t have to worry about a thing.”
-Oh, good. :) But this is heartbreaking. I can only imagine the things it has done to her emotionally. How long has she been the caretaker in this relationship? *tear* Do I sense Maman getting hurt/killed/kidnapped? I really hope not. It would make me sad. lol. Also, Benjamin=A Good Person.
"“Let’s go get your luggage,” Jonathan continued as he let go of my shoulder and *interlaced his fingers with mine*."
-How old is he? Should I be worried? Is he going to get in Sirius's way? Because that would be a conundrum. Yikes. lol. SCANDAL!
"But little did I know."
-Agh! You sneaky little ninja, with your cliff hangers! And I can't even read ahead?? I hereby command you to tell me when the next chapter is up! *tries to look commanding, giggles, and gives up*
Anyway...wow. I LOVE this. I want to read more. Anyhow, here we go.
The Ever Dreaded ConCrit: Do I have to? *pout* Okay.I'm going to have to COMB THIS STORY to find something I disliked. lol. *mumble* Alrighty: There is nothing I disliked. For cereal. I'm sorry. lol. i loved this chapter. I will try harder with your specific concerns, I suppose *she says in her princess voice*.
But really.good job. I really, really like this. I'm going to break the wall between reviewing and reading for pleasure here!
Grammar: 10/10 I noticed nothing bad, so take that for what it's worth (not much. ;))
Characterization: 10/10 they are OC's so you don't have to hide from the Cannon. And I loved everyone I've met so far. Even Maman, though she most made me sniffle.
Length: 10/10 BUT I WANT MORE! :D
Your concerns: In case you hadn't heard.this is darn amazing! Do I want to read more? YES! (I'm in danger of glomping again. Deep breath.) ;) Everyone seemed realistic and fantastic-like. English isn't your first language?? I never would have guessed. And kudos to you. Because If I tried to write something in Spanish...people would not be impressed. They'd understand, but they'd also laugh a lot. lol. I honestly didn't notice anything, except maybe you say 'she' too much in the opening paragraph. And that's all I got, for sure.
In Summary: You rock my socks. Amazing, wonderful, happy making socks. Thank you for requesting and making me a happy camper. Come back to my review thread any time and please tell me when you put up more pretty chapters!
P.S 10/10, If you hadn't figured that out. *squee*Author's Response: Oh wow! This is such a wonderful review! I want to frame it and hang it in my flat so I can just read it over and over again all the time!
Haha, I'm glad you liked all those things! And my graphics! atellam has done them to me and they are the most gorgeous things ever! (btw, she also writed marauders and Sirius/OC, you should check it out. She's as talented writer as she is a graphics maker (: )
Aww, thank you ^^ you're making me blush here with all your compliments! But also making me super nervous! I only hope my other chapters can live up to this one d:
Yes, there is a place for people like her, but there is a reason why she isn't in one. It will be revealed later d:
Hihi, I'm all giggly here because you like my story so much! And Sera! That's so awesome! OC's are always harder in that way, people don't connect to them as strongly as they do to canon characters, so I'm really happy you like her already!
A while - again it will be revealed later ^^
Haha, Jonathan is four years older d: and you probably guessed that I won't reveal a thing d:
Next chapter is in the queue! So you don't have to wait long! I'll let you know ^^
Aww, thank you so much! It honestly took me forever to respond to this review because I didn't know what to say! This is the most amazing review ever, seriously. I love every word of it ^^
Haha, I actually write a lot better in english than in my first language!
I'm so so happy that you liked it! Even though I love CC, it's even better to hear there was nothing to correct (x
Thank you! I will definitely be back to re-request! So keep a spot open for me in your review thread (; Report Review
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