Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review!
I really, really like how you show the bond between Sirius and infant Harry, and how you use Sirius's memories to develop that bond. I like, for instance, that the memory of he and James becoming blood brothers enhances the godfather/godson connection.
Although I understand that the story is mainly about the connection between Sirius and James, I would have liked to see the actual conversation between them and Remus about being a werewolf. That's just me, though. :)
One small grammar issue: I think during detention they would use a "scraper" to "scrape" off the gum -- unless this use of "scrapper" is a Britishism that I'm just not familiar with. :)
You asked me to tell you how this story makes me feel, and honestly, it gives me a warm feeling. It is very sad at the beginning, but the effect of the memories and the bond between Sirius and Harry is very warm and positive. This moment between Harry and Sirius is, surprisingly, not something that I can really recall reading, so, WOW, I'm really glad you wrote it!Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I greatly appreciate it!
I am glad that I was able to pull off showing the bond between James and Sirius. I could probably have expanded it to show more of Remus, but like you said it was more about James and Sirius. I am happy to hear that it gave you a warm feeling despite the emotion that goes along with the story.
*facepalm* grammar...ugh. =) It's not a britishism that I am aware of either! ;) I will make a change to that and thanks for pointing it out.
Thank you for the review and for the awesome feedback.
-SR17 Report Review
Hi, here to review your entry :)
Firstly, I thought the opening was really poignant, and the feeling of your one-shot improved from there. You wrote Sirius and James' relationship brilliantly, and this was so heartfelt it made me sad! My favourite part of this, however, was when James was about to get married, and that line about him becoming a man just made it, loved that!
I also liked your interpretation of the proverb, I wouldn't have thought of that, because they aren't actually brothers. Maybe a mention of Regulus would have been good here, because James was so much more than him. Maybe it didn't need it really, I suppose. Another thing you did well was Sirius and Harry's relationship, that was so cute! I also mostly liked your choices of words. The whole thing flowed nicely.
Thanks for entering, I'll have the results up soon!
- Aguamenti123 xxAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for reading, reviewing, and making an awesome challenge! I really struggled with how to open this story and I am glad that it got better from there on out.
I have always been a huge fan of James and Sirius and I am really happy to hear that I was able to bring out the relationship between the two of them. I will admit that the line that you pointed out about James becoming a man was my favorite to! =)
I was really trying to focus more on James and Sirius. I felt that Sirius ran away and stayed at James's home so they were a lot closer than Regulus and Sirius were. Although, Regulus is my favorite character. Anyways...I am glad that you liked it!
Thanks again! =)
-SR17 Report Review
Hey! I'm finally here with your requested review :) Been out of town, but you already know that! Let's get onto the review.
I love your descriptions of Sirius' first reaction. I thought the way you explained his actions were so lovely. The only thing that felt foreign was him thinking 'no!' - I think if you changed that to 'a gasp escaped his lips' or something along those lines it would fit a little more smoothly.
There talk soon turned to houses and what types of classes -- just needs to be 'their' instead of 'there'
The only think I would think about is try to think about rewording those flashbacks. I really like how you are having Sirius remember bits and pieces but they disrupt things because they aren't separated so at first I thought James was just talking to him from the dead (keeping in mind I just drove all day so my brain is a little slow at this point :p) so maybe change those first two parts to past tense? maybe, instead of - What's your name?" he questioned curiously with a grin pulling at the edges of his face - you could say "he had questioned curiously. Sirius could still picture the grin pulling at the edges of his face" - and so on through those parts. I like how you have it now (as part of the story) vs. cutting it off or italicizing it, which takes away from the flow with the formatting. Just an idea, though!
The other thing I noticed was the Remus stuff. I know that one is a bit longer so maybe that could be a bigger flashback but when you have them say they're going to follow him on the full moon - I think you should add a little something about the line Remus feeds them about his 'sick mom', since that's what Remus thinks everyone believes.
I liked what you did with the transition into the flashback of Lily and James' wedding. I thought that flowed so smoothly and the tense was perfect.
And then, the proverb! I loved how you related it in with Lily telling something to James. Sirius had it exactly right, leave it to James to remember everything Lily Evans says. I think you did a great job incorporating it in without it being forced. I also liked how you brought them to the scene, getting in trouble for picking on Severus - it seemed like a natural transition and I loved that.
The end made me sad! I know he's going to be arrested because of Peter even though he promises to protect little Harry. :(
I thought this was wonderful. It's so nice to see James and Sirius' friendship highlighted. All too much friendships are forgotten over the James and Lily romance aspect of the Marauders and they forget the sturdy bond the four boys share, especially the one between James and Sirius. I think you did a fantastic job capturing their spirit and flowing it through Sirius realizing his 'brother' is gone, and finding Harry. Great work!
-Julie Report Review
Aww this was so sad! I really liked how you just jumped right into the memories of him and James, it really showed how close they were and how much they loved each other :) I also really liked how you would have a memory, and then come back to real life and then go right back into a memory again. It showed how Sirius was feeling and I could tell he was obviously trying to get away to a better place and try to ignore the fact of reality.
I thought you did really well with you proverb! The bit where James and Sirius did the blood pact was cute and totally like them. They would have done anything to be closer to each other and I really liked how you characterized them :D
The parts with Harry and Sirius were also really well done(: Sirius definitely didn't have any time with his family so having him have such a great bond with Harry is totally realistic and I just loved how Harry stopped crying the instant Sirius comforted him(:
Even though I loved the memories, I had to re-read them a few times because I wasn't entirely sure when one started and ended. maybe you could put the memories in italics or something to make it stand out more? I think it'd be easier to follow, otherwise, the story was great! :D
Nice job as always and I hope you're able to get your other stories updated soon, too(;
-Amanda Report Review
This was a pretty good one-shot :) You captured Sirius' grief at the Potters' death perfectly, and I felt so sorry for him. You make your characters real, and we can relate to them, and I really, really liked that :) It was a little short but since it was a one-shot, and sometimes I do it myself, I'll let it slide, because this was a wonderful read. There weren't much mistakes, but I did see these two:
Sirius sat slumped his back against the wall and started to slide down. - now, mind you, it was a brilliant opener. I wondered where Sirius was, where everyone else was, what was going on in Sirius' head and all that good stuff you're supposed to wonder at the first line. However, while I loved the idea of it, it could be phrased a little better - maybe Sirius sat, his back slumped against the wall, and he started to slide further down.?
This whipped the smirks off of their faces. - just to let you know, it should be This wiped the smirks off of their faces. Just a little mistake, nothing big.
Your imagery was lovely :) I felt like I was right there with Sirius, in his memories and then in the debris of the Potters' house. The only thing was that sometimes I got a little confused whether Sirius was in a memory or not. I would have loved to find a way to distinguish the two of them from one another, but for some reason, I can't think of any :p You tried really hard with this, though, and I really appreciate that.
A beautiful one-shot, and a very pleasant read :) You've got a brilliant story under your belt, most definitely. Thanks for requesting, feel free to re-request, and good luck with all of your other stories! :D
--Linn Report Review
That ending! How painful to end on that, but how perfect too! It's a powerfully emotional memory for Sirius, that moment they became brothers, and it explains why he believed so deeply that he had betrayed the Potters. He wasn't there for them in their time of need, and no matter the reason why he couldn't be there, he would still blame himself. What a fantastic choice you made with that memory!
You portrayed the Marauders very well, keeping safely to canon, which is always a lovely thing to see. I also liked how you balanced the angst of the frame story (the Potters' death) with the schoolboy pranks and detentions in the memories. Many of the memories were equally dramatic, but you smoothly incorporated humour, too, like with Snape's exploding meal and McGonagall's choice of detention (lol, so like her!). The whole story is really well put together.
The one thing you should watch for, though, is wordiness because I noticed, especially at the beginning, that your language and syntax need some smoothing out. There was less of a problem as the story moved along, but I noticed that some of the transitions between the present and the past, particularly when you jump from Harry's birth to the final prank on Snape - it happened so fast that I couldn't figure out what was going on at first. That's definitely a part of the story that you could look at again.
Great work with this story! I hope you write more about the Marauders because you did a really good job with them! :D Report Review
Hey, sorry for being so late, I ended up going somewhere and when I got back I saw your lovely reviews and scuttled over here immediately!
I really like the idea here, the moment where Sirius discovers that his best friend and his wife dead, that moment where he realizes that the only thing left is his son. It's pretty heartbreaking to think about.
The only thing I would point out is the usage of ~*~ and italics that would really help the reader adjust to the time jumps. Other then that, you're good!! Report Review
I saw your status about this new one shot and wanted to check it out!
Ahh.. such an emotional topic. It's so hard for me to think of the way the Marauder's ended up. Either separated by death or betrayal.. aasdf. It makes me turn into a ball of tears.
Anyway, you were very creative with this challenge. Obviously the first thing that I would think of is that they aren't really brothers, but you fixed that perfectly and you made it so different by going about it the way you did. They have always been brothers, but the passing of blood is what sealed the deal in a sense.
I think your characterizations are perfect. The only thing I want to point out is that Sirius seems a bit disgusted when James starts talking about the muggle way of blood brothers, just the way you have him saying it makes it seem like he's more or less thinking, why would we do anything muggles do? It may have just come across to me that way. But we know that he loved muggle things even if it was just to spite his family.
But, he is the one the suggests the pact and I LOVE that. I love the string of memories you take him through, then when you bring us back to the house where two of his best friends have fallen, it just ties all those emotions together in such a sad way.
You do an amazing job with imagery! The second paragraph repeats 'eyes' a lot, maybe you can find a way to reword something so a few can be cut out. It doesn't take anything away from your story! I just thought it was worth pointing out!
You ended this perfectly, then of course I got sad all over again because I know what happens to Sirius next. You've made me an emotional blog!
Great one shot, I'm happy I had a chance to stop by and read it! Report Review
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