I have no idea why, but this made me cry.
I'm sitting here, in my room, crying and wondering why I have no life :)
It's just, Neville never was as special or loved as Harry. He was a side-character, destined for greatness but not until it wouldnt be noticed. And his parents weren't dead, but hardly parents at all; he was both better and worse off than Harry.
My mum just walked in, and I had to explain why I'm crying. She gave me this look like, "how did I raise this disgrace to humanity", but I don't care. You should write more stories like this one, it's sooo good! Report Review
This was well written and I highly enjoyed reading it. I loved how this showed Neville in his moment of truth. You did a great job showing how the memory that was in his fathers journal changed him and woke up the sleeping dragon hiding within. It was a happy story and a sad one. What a perfect moment to show!
Keep up the great writing! Good luck in the challenge!!! =)
-SR17Author's Response: Aww thanks love. I'm glad you liked it. I'm sorry for the delay. I had exams and we shifted so a lot of complications :(
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing :D
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That was . . . that was beautiful. You nearly had me in Year's (and that's a achievement as I rarely cry).Author's Response: Awww thanks Luna :D I'm glad you liked it :D
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Got you for Pass The Parcel and I'm glad it gave me the chance to read this story :)
I love your characterisation of Neville and how he goes from being the sort of nervous goofy character that we know from the start of the series to a more confident person. This fills the gap between the fourth and fifth books perfectly because the fifth book is where we see this new Neville.
The relationship between Neville and his father was stunning. I could really feel the love and pride from Neville's father's in his diary entry. Also, I liked Neville's gran's stubborn sense of pride towards Neville too :)
The prompts used in the story were perfectly placed and didn't seem forced at all.
The only thing I have to point out is a few spelling/tense errors. "The journey home has been no different" should be "had".
"But I'll rather be driven insane..." should be "I'd"
And lastly, "What magic without a wand" should be "what's".
Sorry for nitpicking but they just caught my eye...
Very small errors aside, this was a fantastic, heartwarming story which showed the relationship between Neville and his dad and his growth of character. Well done! :DAuthor's Response: So sorry for the late reply. But I got this story beta'd and all the mistakes you've pointed out are corrected :D Thank you so much for pointing all the mistakes out. It really helps :D
I didn't want to poke in all the prompts. True, it was for the HC so I shouldn't have fussed but I love this story and I didn't want to do anything bad to it :D I'm so glad you liked it.
Thanks you so much for nitpicking and reviewing :D These sort of reviews really help.
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First of all, this was a really cute story. I absolutely adore Neville Longbottom eek! :) So just a few things that I noticed.
- "The journey home has been no different"
I think you meant to say "had been no different" because the next sentence uses past tense & it makes more sense to have it as "had".
- "the driving seat"
Did you mean "driver's seat"?
- You used "this" to describe a lot of objects such as the car and the bedroom & I think it would have been better to use the word "the".
But besides that, I think this story was absolutely adorable! When I read the diary entry, my eyes welled up with tears. It was sweet, thoughtful and full of emotion. You are a really good writer for bringing out those emotions. The story caught my attention and my attention was kept throughout the entirety of it.
I can't tell you how much I love it! Neville is so brave and I love how you characterized him. The flow of the story was great too. There were no parts that felt too choppy or anything. Overall, I enjoyed reading it very much! Great work!
-marissa lily potterAuthor's Response: I edited all the mistakes and posted again. Well not me actually, I posted the beta'd version of the story so now no grammar mistakes :D Maybe is the best.
Awww thanks marissa. I cried while writing this *sob* I'm such a cry baby so thought it was just me being... A cry baby. I'm so glad that you guys found it emotional. :D
Thank you so much for reading an reviewing love :D
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Here for Pass the Parcel!
This was a very interesting story. I liked your plot - the way you shed light on the moment leading to Neville shedding his fears and actually embracing the Gryffindor in him was very well done.
I liked your characterizations of Neville as well as his grandma. I think you've got them spot on, just like it would be in canon. The diary part was a nice addition to the story too, and it really added so much substance to Neville's transformation.
I loved the fact that Neville was using his father's wand, and that he decided to continue to do so. In that one diary piece, you portrayed Frank Longbottom awesomely too.
The house cup prompts were woven into the story very nicely and subtly, and I liked that.
The best thing that I loved about this story though was Neville's 'comparison' with the dragon. Being the Dragon of his dad's heart was a very innovative and interesting idea, and I felt really touched while reading it - the father son bond was so beautiful.
All in all, this was one great piece of writing. good work!
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Awww thanks AD :D this is so far my favourite and the only thing I'm proud of and I'm glad you guys like it too. I'm very metaphorical but this was the first time I used it. have to use it more. And I've been writing romance all this time. better switch to tearjerkers :D I think I'm at least marginally good at that.
Thank you for the lovely review AD as always :D
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Aww... :3 This was sweet!^^ I love the concept of the story, how Frank could see Neville's courage bubbling inside him as he was just a child... it's wonderful... I think you did good characterizations too :D Neville particularly, felt real. I love how you also seemed to pinpoint exactly where the change starts to occur in Neville. Of course his courage blasts through in the seventh book and that's when he shines, but you can see after book four that he starts to grow and I loved how you gave it a reason, but not an immediate change either. That letter of Frank's was a seed which you can see started to grow. Very interesting concept!! :D
I think Neville's grandmother could have done with a bit more harshness as for characterization, but she was lovely so I forgive you xD
I would suggest revising this as there are a few typo's/spelling mistakes (For example you wrote "prophesy" instead of "prophecy")
overall I think you did a really good job on this!!^^ Excellent story! :)
-JuneAuthor's Response: I know this story is being revised so the typos will be rid of very soon :D
I really didn't know I was taking this story there when I started it. I really didn't know what I was doing, just the plot came in to my head and I wrote, and ended up there :D Guess dreaming is good. Daydreaming, better ;)
I thought I made her sound harsh! Oh well you know, maybe I'm soft :P
Thank you so much for the review June. I'm glad you like it :D
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Hi, Shortie! I got you for Pass the Parcel, and was excited to finally get around to reviewing this! I've read it before, but at the time I was rushing through a ton of stories before Gryffindor voting, so unfortunately didn't get the time to review.
I really like how you used the prompts, especially the dragon being very figurative rather than literal. The dragon of his father's heart was a unique touch, and I especially like the ending where you say 'The dragon has awoken'. Goosebump moment!
I caught a few typos, and noticed that you say 'defiled' instead of 'defied', like with "defiled the Dark Lord twice". Two very different meanings! To defy is to boldly resist something, and to defile is to sully something or rob it of virtue, to take away its innocence. You might consider editing that.
Frank's diary was a very emotional scene. I think it's something Neville very much needed to hear. I like the way Frank regarded his son, even if he did seem to have a suspicious amount of foresight about how Harry and Neville would turn out in the future, and mentioning being tortured into insanity by the Cruciatus Curse.
My favorite part of this story was Augusta. I really like her - I thought she was very canon. You did an excellent job with her character because she's a fine line to walk between caring grandmother and her no-nonsense, strict personality. Their moment together in the car where Neville tells her that Voldemort is back, and she questions how he knows this and he says Dumbledore said so, and Harry saw it happen, and she says "That's good enough for us", I felt was the absolute perfect thing to say. By grouping herself with Neville in the 'us', she would have made him feel more of a connection with her, like the two of them were now going to trot off to Harry's side like little soldiers. It made me so proud of Augusta and Neville both. :) We know in canon that Harry had their unfailing support, and it was nice to see that brought to life here.
A very enjoyable read. :)Author's Response: Aww thanks Sara. I know, the defied thing has been pointed out so much, but my beta is still going through the story, so I thought of resubmitting the completely done chapter rather than submitting over and over again. So have to wait till that version comes.
I know! I made the Frank's foresight part a bit too cliche but... but... I don't know what came over me. Sort of loved writing that part (I know, dramatic I am!) But... naah I have nothing to say in my defense :(
I'm so glad you liked it Sara. Thank you for the lovely review. These reviews make my day :D
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I love your story. I thought the emotion behind the story was beautifully written. I only saw a few mistakes in your writing and they were all typos, so great job with the grammar too!
I think the way you incorporated the prompts into your story was brilliantly down. I loved the how you used Neville being the Dragon of his Heart as the 'Features a Dragon' prompt (at least that's what I assume, I hope I'm right!) it was very unique and very well thought out.
My favorite part was definitely the diary entry. I absolutely loved the emotion in it (it made me cry!) and his faith in his son. It really showed that he wouldn't care if his son couldn't do magic like the others and that he would still be successful in life.
Great job with this story! I think it really gave Neville the justice that he deserves. And great job fitting the prompts in so seamlessly.
~LevanaAuthor's Response: Awww I cried while writing it too *sob*
Thank you for the lovely review. Yeah this story is with my beta now. Once she's through with it all the typos would be gone :D
I really didn't want the prompts to stand out. More than the prompts I wanted my plot to come out nice. This is a plot that came into my head so randomly so I wanted to write it down the same way and not do anything to it. Luckily the prompts I used weren't hard to poke in so no biggie there.
Thank you for the lovely review Levana :D
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It's Roots in Water here with your review!
A response to the first task! I haven't read as many of them as I'd like... Anyway, I know that some of the prompts were difficult to fit together but I think that you did a really good job of including them in a manner that made it seem as though they fit in the story.
I think that you did a great job with Neville's characterization in this story. The short interaction with Harry at the train station reminded us of the loyalty he showed right from the first book. Furthermore, I found his thoughts about his father in this chapter very interesting because, though I can't say that Neville was ashamed of his father in the books, he was rarely mentioned. It was great to see him accepting his father and gaining the courage (or the seeds of it, at least) that will lead him to do great things.
However, as great a touch as the his father's letter is, I found the wording of it a little odd because it made his father come across as young and naive instead of the more mature Auror I had pictured him to be. In particular, the phrase "like I said" made him seem young and made it seem as though he was speaking instead of writing a letter. I think that the impression of the letter would change if you changed the wording of "like I said" to something like "As I mentioned earlier" or "As I wrote before". However, this is entirely based on my impression of Frank being a mature Auror and if you think of him as a younger, less mature person then your letter works perfectly for your characterization!
I liked how you didn't just go straight to Neville's reading of the letter and took the time to build up his thoughts on his father and his interactions with his letter. As well, I liked your interpretation of "features a dragon"- it helped to give a clear picture of the change in Neville. It's an interesting idea, seeing him as a dragon, because they're fierce and dangerous creatures.
As well, I found the phrase "slit his eardrums" to be an interesting expression because there was no noise in the station. It gave a distinct impression of the type of silence that was present but I wonder if "slit" is the best word to use... Would "broke" work better, since silence can be an oppressive thing?
This is also a small thing, but I found the wording of the phrase "she stuffed the trunk into the backseat" a little odd because I found it difficult to imagine Neville's proper and strict grandmother "stuffing" something into the back of the car. I would replace "stuffed" with "placed" to give a different impression of her action. However, you did a great job with your portrayal of her protective and fierce nature. As well, with the phrase "who've defiled the Dark Lord twice" I think you meant "defied", not "defiled".
All in all, I think that you did a great job with this story. It developed an important aspect of Neville's personality in a very interesting manner. Thanks for requesting and I hope that my comments are helpful!Author's Response: I don't know why people keep up reading it as a letter :( Did I make it sound like one? I'm so sorry. It's a diary entry. So it was more like he's talking. And I was going along the locked-up-for-a-year lines, you know, trapped, pouring out everything he felt. And yeah defied. This is still being Beta'd :)
Thanks for the lovely constructive review. It's nice to hear pinpointed mistakes. Easy to improve you know. So thank you so so very much.
And yeah your comments are very helpful. I'll work on all those bits :)
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Hey! :) Aww this was great! I really loved the idea of 'the dragon of his heart' and the really touching and moving words that Frank/you wrote :P It was just so meaningful and so loving. It was also really sweet that Frank had so much pride and faith in Neville even if other people didn't, and how he knew Neville would be by Harry's side fighting. It was also interesting how much he knew and didn't know about the prophecy!
I also thought your characterisation of Neville was great! I'm a little hesitant about the line he said to Harry, especially: Hold on in there mate. We’ve got your back. The mate and the we've got your back doesn't sound quite like something he would say. Nevertheless, it was especially terrific at the end where Neville chooses to keep his father's wand and realises that he is Frank's son and not an underdog. The conversation with his grandmother was also great - I loved how few words they needed to convey that they were on Harry's side and believed him.
A really nicely written fic! Great use of the prompts - I especially loved how well you slipped in the dark detectors - and it made a lot of sense as well, that the Death Eaters might target them.
- CharlotteAuthor's Response: Aw thanks Charlotte :D I don't know why I added that sentence. I guess at that moment I... I really don't know :D This was my very first fic with no romance and I think I'm liking this better. I'm writing something like this (Not similar, but it's not romance) hope that goes well as well.
Thank you for the lovely review :D You made my day.
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Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you! :D So, let's go over things:
Grammar/Spelling: The only issue that I really noticed was in Frank's diary. You used the word "defiled" instead of "defied." But that's the only problem I saw!
Plot: Let's start here, okay? Just...wow. I actually cried! That's definitely saying something. I very rarely cry during stories. This one was magnificent though. I loved Frank's diary entry. I loved how proud he was of Neville. And it was endlessly sad knowing that he never saw his son grow up like he wanted to...Man, seriously, I CRIED. Whoa. :] Great job.
Characterization: Neville and Augusta were perfect. I adored when Neville encouraged Harry and when he was waiting to see if his grandmother was on his side. Great job showing him finding his bravery. I think you hit it spot-on. And Gran was great as well.
Descriptions: I think you did a great job bringing readers into the story. I really got a great vibe from seeing the different places and feelings the emotions. EMOTIONS. WOW. I absolutely could feel what Neville was feeling. This story made me wish we could see the series from Neville's point of view.
Interactions: I think my favorite moment between characters was when Neville was supporting Harry in King's Cross. It was such a believable moment, and I think it was pivotal to the story. I also loved the quiet conversations between Neville and his grandmother. Wonderfully done.
Style: I really loved your style. This had something that just brought me into it and let me hear what was happening without smacking me in the face. And you brought in the different prompts really well.
I think you did spectacularly. I'm sorry I don't have much criticism. You did a great job. :D
--EmilyAuthor's Response: Alright so right now I'm too busy floating over the highest clouds reading and re-reading your review. Awww I made you cry? *Hugs* Sorry about that. To be honest I cried whole writing. So there you go :D
Thank you thank you thank you so very much for the lovely review Emily :D It really really made my day... I mean night :D Thank you so much.
If I ever write anything like this, I'll let you know.
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Hi there! So, I have this goal where I want to review as many stories that I made a banner for as possible, and with the second task up, I figured now was a great time to start it. Yeah, now onto the review.
Oh my, you had me close to tears with that diary entry. And I typically don't cry when I read fanfictions, so kudos to you. I really love how even though Frank's dead, you were still able to create such a strong relationship and bond between him and Neville. It was very touching and the emotions so raw.
There were some typos throughout, mainly letters left off of words and such. But yeah, other than that this was excellent!
Gryffies for the house cup!
-Camila :)Author's Response: Aww Camila thanks. Your banners are the best. And they suit my stories... sooo well :D Thank you so much for the review. Like I tell everyone, I cried while writing :D Hehe I'm an emotional freak. But if you cried as well, then maybe I hit the jackpot (Finally) Hehe thanks for the review love. Be prepared to be attacked by requests ;)
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Hey Shortie! magnolia_magic here with your review :)
I very much enjoyed reading this piece, and like so many of your other reviewers have said, I'm really impressed with your creative use of the dragon prompt. You looked past the obvious choice, and instead made Neville himself become the dragon. I thought it was a really cool idea :)
I like your description all throughout the piece. I felt like I was seeing everything clearly without becoming too bogged down in description. It can be difficult to strike that balance, but you did a great job here!
As Neville was reading the diary entry, I could just imagine the awe he must have felt, the eagerness to get a glimpse into his father's thoughts. I would have been really nervous to read something like that, and maybe Neville was too. The entry itself really tugged at my heartstrings...Frank's love for his son was plain to see, and I was so sad that they never really got to know each other. I think you did a great job at bringing out a lot of emotion there.
The only issue I had with it was something Frank wrote about Harry as a baby. He talks about Harry being daring, kind, and having a huge capacity for love...all of which turn out to be true, but I found it wierd that Frank saw all those things in an infant. That was the only part of this that wasn't entirely convincing for me.
I loved reading about Neville's transformation toward the end of the story. It was great to see him come into his own and become more confident in himself. My favorite part is right after he reads the diary, when he says he "isn't afraid of the tears anymore." I was glad he realized the courage in letting his emotions out, and I was very moved by it.
You have a very touching, emotional piece here, and I enjoyed reading it a lot! And again, I loved seeing Neville gain more confidence in himself, and transform into a courageous "dragon" by the end of the piece. Nice job with this challenge!
--MaggieAuthor's Response: I am over the moon right now, after reading your review :D THANK YOU!! Whoo it's very very nice and sweet of you *hugs* I don't know how this came out to be, it was sudden and all but it turned out to be my best yet :D Thank you so much for the review :D
I know, it became a bit more cliche around that part than I thought, but my idea was, seeing as how Neville would always cry and not let anyone carry him, but Harry would, you know, be friendly with everyone. That was the love part and as for daring, I was talking about him always riding his toy broom and all even at 1. So I guess I should have explained it more but 2500 words was the limit :(
Thanks for the review again Mags. It really made my day.
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A great piece, good luck on the house cup :)
It's very nicely written, the sadness is too overbearing from the diary because of Neville's conversation with his grand other after and then his own personally thoughts.
"He would not let anyone thwart him anymore. He would not be the underdog of anyone. He would not be just “Longbottom”" love that line!
9/10 :)Author's Response: Awww thanks for the review and the rating love :) I think I found my new talent :D I like writing these emotional stuff. I think I'm going to continue. Thanks a million :) Report Review
That was quite touching :') Nicely written, although there are a few teeny mistakes here and there, but I'm sure you can just go over it and find them, for instance, it's "where the brave dwell at heart".
Anyways, sorry for being so nitpicky, it's a very nice piece! :DAuthor's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing love *hugs* yeah this need a bit of editing :) I'll get it done as soon as I'm free :) Thanks again. Report Review
You've got me SPEECHLESS Shortie!!! :OAuthor's Response: Aw thanks love ;) Report Review
Hey there! I'm here with the review you've requested.
I think it was a very daring and creative move to incorporate the dragon prompt this way, by making Neville himself the dragon! I haven't read many of the entries yet, but among the few I've read, I'm yet to see someone do it like this! Also, I think you've chosen a really good point to elaborate on; now that I think about it, Neville truly began to change around his fifth year. And I think you've portrayed him well.
First of all, I'll talk about the plot. You've captured only a fraction of his day, one that should hardly be that special -he's just going home from school, but it turns out to be a day on which he finds out something that may change him forever; which is all very neat and realistic. We don't usually see such big days coming our way, right? I felt that you've moved through the various points of that day very smoothly and at a perfect pace, and that the events were well-placed.
It may seem weird, but my favourite conversation throughout the story was the one between Neville and his grandmother in the car. I loved how Neville strongly believed Harry and how, in support of Neville, his grandmother agreed to that.
Now, we move on to the diary entry which plays a very important role in your story. I think it really makes sense that under such circumstances, when one is locked up in their own house for a large amount of time and everyday may seem like the previous one, a diary would be kept in order to make sure that anything noteworthy is noted down. I especially liked how you've made Frank stress on how special the bond between him and Neville is and how he believes that he will be a wonderful "better man" in the future -it really is realistic and so fatherly.
The thing is though, although you've mentioned something about Frank getting an O in Divination, I found it a bit weird that Frank may have premeditated things that are so close to what actually happens after he was lost to Bellatrix's curses. Nonetheless, I can tell that it keeps things canon and all. Also, maybe, now that I think about it, this was just the way he hoped things would go so he convinced himself they would. I mean, who would really want their son to be the one upon which the fate of the world depends? Yes, they would wish that their son to be brave and play a part in the war and help the people, but to be its main player? No matter what, supposedly, a parent would care for their child's safety more than glory or anything else of that sort.
The grammar all over the story seems to be fine; I haven't managed to spot much. There was no more than a few typos, which are absolutely dismiss-able considering how little time you guys had to write and submit these entries!
So yeah... Marvelous job, Shortie! Keep on writing! And I'm sorry if my review got a bit long...
-MannoAuthor's Response: Omg THANK YOU sooo much for the long and sweet review *hugs* I was afraid of overdoing the cliche part but people seem to like it :D Thank you soo so very much for the review, for the very descriptive review actually. It's like having my own editor or publisher or... Sorry I'm rambling. Thanks a million *hugs* Report Review
A metaphorical dragon :D
My favourite kind!
I love the diary entry from Neville's father!It really focuses on the reasons Neville should be brave and the hopes his family had set out for him even when they knew the threat of Voldemort!
I loved thisAuthor's Response: Aww thanks Summer :D I was afraid it would be irrelevant but guess not :D Yeah I'm sort of into these metaphorical stuff and this is the first time I've tried it on HPFF. I think I'm going to continue :D
Thanks for the review *hugs* Report Review
I think you found a really wonderful way to incorporate the prompts, I love that you used Neville as a dragon. I, like you, wanted to find a different way to incorporate the dragon without it being a beast that someone would have to fight off. So it was really nice to read a story that used him metaphorically.
Frank and Alice are a tragedy, and I love that you let that shine through with this. Two people that lost everything, but were still stuck prisoners of their own bodies. They always make my heart a bit mushy, so think you for bringing them into this through Frank's letter.
I think you did a wonderful job with Neville, he's a bit of a mystery to me and I find him difficult to write, but you really pulled through with this!
Amazing entry m'dear, I'm so happy you were able to finish it in time!
Jami (Go Gryffindor!)Author's Response: Awww thanks Jami :D I actually wrote a fighting off a dragon sort of story but I didn't like it at all. So this was a random idea that came into my head while I was going to College in the bus :D I'm so glad you like it. I'm still reading through all the stories and I'm glad I've written something out of the box. I don't know ho else has but I'm still reading :D Thanks a million for the review :)
GOOO GRYFFINDOR Report Review
I love Neville, so this was fantastic to read :) Well done.Author's Response: :D Thanks Zyiii Report Review
Oh my, this was such a touching story. I absolutely loved it. Almost had me on the brink of tears reading about Neville finding out his parents :)
This is very well written. I could picture every moment in my head. It's gorgeous :)
Keep up the good work :D xAuthor's Response: I cried writing it. Maybe because you know, I'm emotional *cry* Hehe thanks a lot I'm so glad you got the same feeling I got when I wrote this. Means I've finally written something worth :D Thanks love *hugs* Report Review
Brilliant. i love this fic, it's just fantastic. No rushed action or forced love affair, just plain and simple perfect Neville. Excellent work.Author's Response: Awww thanks love. It's an idea that attacked me when I was almost falling asleep in the bus :P Hehe I'm glad you like it :) Report Review
Very moving and very beautifully written! I loved Frank's touching thoughts about his son. They loved him so much, and if it had been a killing curse they would have died for him just like the Potters did for Harry. I think because of their tragic pasts Neville and Harry have a bond that maybe even they don't fully understand. But there is no doubt that they both fought hard for the freedom their parents believed in.
Harry was the Lion and Neville was indeed a dragon!
There are several pointers that'll make this even better, I'll pm you :)
I really like your personification of the Dragon, it's a unique and fresh approach and it suits the story really well. I'd suggest someone to look over using 'features a dragon' as a prompt just to be sure. Looks fine to me :)
Really good effort and this was very beautifully written! Well done! :)Author's Response: The spelling mistakes!!! Need to get them done. :( Sooo sorry I was in such a hurry to get this on the queue that I've overlooked so many mistakes. Awww thanks love :) I was afraid of the Dragon part as well :( Tell me what you find out :D Thanks for reviewing *hugs* Report Review
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