Reading Reviews for The Whisper
  
35 Reviews Found

Review #1, by MC_HK 1.

1st August 2013:
This is a really magnificent chapter you've got going on here. I like the inner monologue that really gives your character a personality. Although, the personality didn't shine through as much as I thought it could have. It just seemed to hint at her real personality here and there, but that was enough for me. Your description in this is quite amazing, and that is directly correlated with your use of emotions in the chapter. It is very relatable, as something much similar has happened to me in the past :( But anyways! There aren't many spelling errors, I think I only found one.

If I had any CC about this chapter, I would say that there are a couple of places that I noticed some words were missing. And I also think that the really short sentences make this feel disjointed and mess up the flow for me when I'm reading. Some of your sentences are worded differently, and that's fine, but some are worded in a way that I have to go back and re-read just to make sure I read it right.

But overall, I really, really liked this. You've got amazing talent, and I hope to hear more from you in the future. MC_HK

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Review #2, by anonymous diva 1.

31st July 2013:
Hey I am shaheen from the forums with your requested review.

I absolutely loved this chapter. I mean while reading it I didn't even for one second think that it was chapter . It seemed Like a beautiful poem .

I loved Dom's character. Usually in other fan fics she is portrayed as a typical Gryffindor but in this story you portrayed her character as that of a part-veela which is appreciated.

I liked the way you addressed scorpius as " the captain" it has a mysterious yet alluring ring to it .

I really look forward to read and review all the chapter of this story . So feel free to re request :)

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Review #3, by Remus 1.

9th September 2012:
Hey! So yeah. You requested a review back in July...its now September. I'm SO sorry! Life kicked me in the butt in the last two months, and I've been somewhat lazy as well...but here's your review! Better (super) late than never, no?

Alright so in your areas of concern, you wanted to know if emotion really came through. My answer to that is: yes. You were definitely good at bringing emotions forth in this chapter. The denial Dominique feels towards her 'nonexistent love', the hurt she feels when she's told that he hates her...I felt bad for her! Seriously!

Speaking of Dom. In a way I'm glad that she's a Slytherin. For being a Weasley, writers always assume that she immediately belongs to Gryffindor but she IS part Veela so I think she has both the arrogance and pride that would immediately make her a Slytherin.

I absolutely love the beginning. It felt almost poetic, honestly. You somehow kept it all through the chapter as well but it didn't feel choppy. It flowed very nicely.

The end of the chapter made me a bit sad but I don't know for who exactly feel bad for: Scorp or Dom. All I know, however is that I don't like this Carmella person. She feels like a backstabber!

The only 'problem' that I think I had was the formatting at the beginning where you have '1. The locker room...' Since the '1' is the number/title of the chapter, I would've had that at the very top. But its a minor thing and its mostly my opinion.

Overall, this was a great one chapter! Time for chapter 2! Again, so sorry for the super long delay!

--Perelandra/Rosie

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Review #4, by ScorpiusRose17 2.

21st August 2012:
Here again with another review!

I really like this chapter and how we get a look into Dominique's thoughts and feels as to what Carmella said about Scorpius. The way that you have her characterized is beautiful you really get a sense of her as a person. I also like the way that Scorpius is characterized. He is a hard nosed, non wavering manipulator, but he does have his breaking points that we see go unnoticed in the end by Dominique. I also like the rest of the Quidditch team and how they are always around and like a huge family of their own.

The pace of this chapter was just as well put together as the previous chapter. I was able to follow everything clearly and was eager to read one. You do a wonderful job at making the story line flow as smoothly as possible and really flesh it out.


Keep up the great work! I look forward to reading more of your story! =)

-SR17

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Review #5, by ScorpiusRose17 1.

21st August 2012:
Hi there!

I am finally here with your review. Sorry that it has taken me this long to get to it.

I really liked the story so far. The characterization is perfect. I thought you did a wonderful job of bringing out the mannerisms, emotions, and personalities of your characters. I enjoyed seeing Dominique in a different way. Usually she is always a Gryffindor and always around her cousins, so this is a nice change. As for Scorpius... he isn't your average character either. He stands out in this chapter and this story so far in a way that I cannot quite explain.

I thought you did a great job of pacing the chapter. It flowed smoothly and was easy to follow. I never once felt that it lagged as the story continued and I always found myself wanting to continue reading more. You do a great job at drawing in your readers with this first chapter.

I look forward to seeing what else will happen! Keep up the great writing! =)

-SR17

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Review #6, by D2Diamond 3.

16th August 2012:
Okay, so my review of what you have so far.

First things first; the parts that confuse me a bit. I'm going to assume that Dom and Scorpious are either 6th or 7th year, since it was never formally mentioned, I'm not sure which it is. Also, I'm not a fan of the cursing. This is not one of those stories where it's needed, in fact it takes away from it. Just my personal opinion. There are a few parts where the wording is a little off, and I got confused and had to reread it a few times to get what you were trying to say. Also, I don't know if this is a big deal, but using the single quotation marks confused me at first. Personally I'm used to the double marks, so I didn't know people were talking at first, but that could just be me, I'm not an English Major.

I did enjoy the story, it's got a good pace about it, not to slow, and not to fast, all though when you went from chapter 2 to chapter 3, I was left feeling like I missed something. Other wise, the characters are great, though I would have liked The Keeper and The Chaser to have names other then their titles. It helps me look at them more as people, and not just as background props. Kinda like how you always refer to Scorpious as The Captain. But I digress, it's a good start, and you've done well with the twist and turns that you've taken it so far. The plot is good, and I like how you really get into Dom's emotions. I look forward to seeing how you portrait Scorpious when the time comes. It's a good read, please continue, I'd be happy to finish it.

Diamond

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Review #7, by Jchrissy 2.

14th August 2012:
Hi darling! Here for your review!

Okay, before I start let me say that I really like this chapter. I apologize for confusing it with a one-shot on my first review, I always assume challenge pieces are one shots ;). Anyway, you want to know what you need. From your review it sounds like you know this is already good, but you want to make it better anyway you can. So Iím going to go through and absolutely pick it apart. I just wanted you to know before hand that I really loved this chapter and I wouldnít normally go so heavy on CC, but from your area of concerns it sounds like thatís what your looking for. So, letís start!

Peregrine goes from gentle and kind, to a bit over the top. The only thing that makes me feel that way is his use of his use of that cuss word when he tells her that the captain is mad at her. It just seemed out of place coming from someone who youíve made me feel is, for the most part, gentle.

I donít think you need as many dialogue tags. Itís only a two person conversation and the context of their words makes it clear which one is speaking. Iím sure some people appreciate the reminder of who is talking, but really, it isnít difficult to follow the conversation without them if youíre actually paying attention.

I know Iím suppose to be CCíing here, but I just have to say I love Scorpius so far. Peregrineís comment about no one knowing him that well but Scorpius alone, and sometimes he even doubts that, I think it was really strong and made me very excited to find more out about his character.

Be careful of your use of semicolons. They can only be used when the two sentences they are separating are both complete ones.

Oooh what a dramatic and exciting ending! I want those two to just talk, already.

Okay. My biggest form of CC that could make this strong. Imagery.

You do an amazing job describing the characters physical actions, but not as great when it comes to their surroundings.

Did the Astronomy tower have hints of the moon peaking through? Did Peregrines footsteps echo through the silence as he walked in? What about their walk to the Dungeons from the Astronomy tower, thatís a very long one, what happened during it? Was the castle hauntingly quiet, like every ounce of life had fled from the scene? Were there a few students left out after hours, talking in hushed tones? Did Filch nearly catch them, or Peeves bombard her sadness with his antics? You are doing a great job focusing on the emotions, the characters interactions, and your plot. But, to really open this story up and make me believe that itís real, I want to know more about what is actually going on around them.

Really, thatís the only CC I have for you on this chapter. I love the way you describe the common room, I can feel the tension every time another student walks in, all of their curiosity just waiting to be answered.

I hope that this review was helpful, and please feel free to re-request :)!

Jami

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Review #8, by Moonyxluna 3.

9th August 2012:
Hey there! I'm here with another review for you :)

Alright. So I'm pretty familiar with your style now. Again the emotions are lovely and I think the writing flows well from chapter to chapter; things stay the same and I like the consistancy.

I feel like I missed something, though. Am I just incredibly blind, or how much time has passed from the end of chapter two to the beginning of three? I think a little something of the time that has passed is needed in the beginning so it would show a little better how distraught the 'true' feelings of her Captain have really affected her.

I think it's such a scenic moment having her just lying in the middle of the Quidditch feild and I think you did a great job building up the moment through her saddened monologue.

'He asks if you come,' he said. 'He said he would hold some whiskey aside for you.' - I think you're missing a word in the first part. I notice one or two more awkwardly worded things, but as I go back and try to find them I can't, so maybe give this another read through?

I loved Peregrine's entry and I am really enjoying his character so far. He seems just like a genuinely nice person and I am looking forward to see where you are going with him.

So then we get to the party. And wow, some things come out into the open. So, she's learned that Carmella has in fact, lied to her. I think that's such an interesting twist and I think it really sets up your plot. In the first few chapters we were really just coming to terms with Dominique's emotions, whereas here some things definitely happened. I think it was well timed to move the story along at a good pace.

I am kind of in love with those happy endings, and I am cheering for Scorpius and Dominique so I am really interested on the road you plan on taking to bring the pair(hopefully!) to that point. I also am really enjoying the smaller sub-plots you include with this with Peregrine and his brother, and the Carmella twist, and everything else. Keep up the lovely work! Feel free to re-request when you get the next chapter posted, I'd love to see more of this!

-Julie

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Review #9, by BellaFan202 2.

6th August 2012:
Alrighty! Here's your review! Sorry about the wait! My birthday was Friday (thanks for the happy birthday wish, by the way! :) ) and then I was unexpectedly busy over the weekend. So now is the earliest I could review. *ashamed*

These two sentences: "ĎI was yelling at him because he hates me,í she explained. ĎHe hates me and thinks Iím annoying and calls me a hypocrite.í
and
ĎBut donít act like you didnít already know,í she said accusingly, pushing Peregrine away from her. ĎWhy didnít you tell me?í"
should be combined into one paragraph, as it is just her speaking and Peregrine isn't speaking between her two sentences.

One question: Why do you always refer to "the Keeper and the Chaser" as "the Keeper and Chaser?" I mean, why not "Billy Joe and Bob?" I mean, it would be weird if those were their names, but they don't have names so I don't have anything to work with. :P

I like the relationship between Peregrine and Dominique, and I think he gave her good advice. However, I don't think she acted well on that advice. I think she could have tried a little bit harder to get his attention. She had it, obviously, but she didn't know it. I think maybe she should have just continued apologizing, explaining, whether she thought he was listening or not.

Anyway, that's all I've really got to say on this chapter, as it was a fairly short chapter.

Bye! :)

Author's Response: Hi, no worries. I'm just happy you're still willing to read this. You had a good birthday, btw?

I made the two sentences two paragraphs on purpose, because I wanted her to pause in between them. Debating whether to say it or not. Letting her anger build a little before accusing Peregrine. I'll go back and edit that to make it more clear, thank you for pointing it out.

And about the Keeper and the Chaser, I don't really know, it just happened. The Keeper gets a name in the next chapter, though ;)

Scorpius can be a really cold and insensitive person sometimes and it was already hard for her to face him, while she was still angry and hurt. Apologising was a bit of a defeat for her, so I do understand why she wasn't trying too hard - but she WAS trying ;)

Thanks for the review!


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Review #10, by Moonyxluna 2.

6th August 2012:
Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)

I think the sentence flow of this chapter really worked with the style. I'm not really too big of a fan of angst, but I think you handled it with a certain amount of poise and it really flowed well and wasn't distracting. Particularly this: Not really thinking of him Ė but he was the only thing on her mind - I thought the little things like that, your wording choice really brought things together beautifully.

That being said, I think you captured the emotions so beautifully in this chapter. You really feel for Dominique as she's crying in her teammate's arms, and you're really nervous for her as she's talking to Scorpius.

I really like your portrayal of Dominique. Even though she's going through a really difficult time I think you still managed to squeeze in some characterization into her emotions and they really worked.

She hadnít noticed his hand shaking slightly, however, nor the quill dropping silently from his grasp - I'm really glad that you included the last sentence. It gave so much hope to the situation and I think it really helped the reader feel some sympathy towards Scorpius.

My interest as a reader is there. I think this is the start of something different and special and I am looking forward to seeing how you progress Dominique and Scorpius' relationship. Keep up the good work, and of course feel free to re-request for the next chapter :)

-Julie

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the lovely review. This story also is something entirely different for me, so it's nice to know that other people at least understand it ;p

After the first chapter I thought to myself, 'this is kind of hopeless' so this chapter needed to have something hopeful. Because despite their current situation, I'm pretty sure Scorpius and Dominique could be so good together. They are, after all, my favorite pairing ;)

Thank you for reviewing.


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Review #11, by manno_malfoy 3.

6th August 2012:
Hello, I'm here with your new requested review. I'm sorry that it's a little late, but I've been busy lately.

YAY! Scorpius doesn't hate Dom and they were all lies by Carmella, all out of jealousy!

Okay, yay-moment is over.

Once again, I find it necessary to tell you how much I admire the way you portray Dominique's mental processes and her feelings that she herself is confused about. In this chapter, especially, I love how you've shown how despite the many good and 'glorious' things going on around her, her fight with the Captain still affected her greatly.

'...and she admired that he never said her name - Carmella, Carmella, Carmella! - but they all knew who he was talking about.'

I love the structure of this sentence and the way it just seemed to be full of feelings! It's just brilliant!

I really am starting to like Pergerine more and more. The way he cares for Dom and tries to help her with the matter, the way he had cautioned his brother about bringing up the Captain, the way he wanted to work out things between Scorpius and Dom in the previous chapter. In my head, he's everyone's big brother.

I kind of like Arelius too. I like how loyal he seems to be to Scorpius and how he understands him in a way that Dom doesn't. Also, it's nice to see Scorpius through the eyes of someone other than Dominique, someone whose bond to Scorpius is less blurry and more sturdy, one that would be hard to break with just a lie.

One thing he said though confused me a little. He said that Scorpius doesn't do things that he doesn't want to do, yet he lied to Carmella about what he thinks of Dom just to shut her up? Or am I misunderstanding something? Despite that, I'm eager to see WHY Scorpius lied to Carmella.

The pace of the chapter seems to fit the events perfectly. I just wish you could've elaborated on the description of things and people in the kitchen. I do understand that this story has a lot more to do with feelings and fluctuating emotions, but I think that it's also necessary to see the characters' tangible surroundings.

Spelling and grammar seemed to be fine to me, and though some of the sentences seemed to be a bit wonky, I think the way they're written adds to the emotional aspect of the story and makes it easier for us to understand what goes on in Dom's head.

Great job on this chapter! I can't wait to see what's going to happen next now that Dom knows that Carmella was lying. Feel free to re-request one you've updated! :D

-Manno

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Review #12, by marissa lily potter 3.

3rd August 2012:
Hey there, marissa lily potter here with the review you requested! Another wonderfully written chapter! I loved it. It was so descriptive and got me exactly into the mindset of Dominique. I could relate to her, understand what she was going through and feel every emotion that she felt. I thought it was a marvellous chapter and your writing style, oh it's to die for.

I adore the way you write. It's so unique but so capturing. You grasp the reader's attention right away and keep it all the way until the end. Even when I reached the end of the chapter, I was scrolling down, looking for more! I love where this story is going. The plot is developing extremely well and the characters are too!

I think that the characters have come extremely far. They've been slowly developing. I love how you keep what you introduced to us then add on to define the characters better. I especially love Dominique. She is unique and very interesting. There were a very minor grammar and spelling errors here and there which can be easily fixed. One that really caught my eye was:

"and t just made her". I think you meant "it" instead of just the "t". The flow of the story is really good. Everything goes together so well. There aren't bits that are choppy or anything which is really lovely! I'm loving the way everything is forming together. It's perfectly understandable and the pace is really nice itself.

All in all, another great chapter! Feel free to request a review when you get another chapter up! :)

-Marissa

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Review #13, by iwritesinnotfanfiction 3.

3rd August 2012:
This is so beautifully written.

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Review #14, by daretodream 3.

3rd August 2012:
Hello!

So Carmella's true motive comes to light. She doesn't like it when someone gets close to Scorpius, so she sabotaged Dominique. It's logical, if not exactly nice.

I like the Keeper. Aurelius is his name, right? I think that he pointed out a lot of things that maybe Dominique couldn't see herself, but that clearly refuted everything that Carmella said.

So Scorpius doesn't hate her. That's a bit unexpected after the first chapter.

I'm wondering how long it will take for Dominiqie to really see the truth. To understand that Carmella had a different motive besides her well being, that something else motivated her.

Hopefully Dominique will see the truth soon. Good chapter!

~Cassie

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Review #15, by BoOkWoRm24 3.

2nd August 2012:
Alright this chapter is my new favorite chapter in this story. I loved the way that you refer to the Keeper. You gave him a name, but the way that you just say The Keeper makes him seem like an authority figure. Then I loved his characterization. He seemed quite cunning. The way that he sort of brings everything up about Scorpius clearly saying that Scorpius doesn't hate her but then sort of doing it in this way that feels like he's daring her to challenge him had me holding onto my seat the entire time waiting to see what was going to happen next

The way your sort of are characterizing Scorpius through other people. You know the way the keeper sort of says that Scorp doesn't talk about Dom at all. Its perfect and it makes me think that he loves her too, but then its pretty clear that there is going to be a lot of drama before everything is cleared up.

There was one bit that left me going What??? you said this:
"And she already felt replaced, because suddenly there was this girl Carmella was dating - not that long, but they were dating - and the Captain lifted her on his shoulders after the matched ended, celebrating because they had won. And the girl looked smug and Carmella looked satisfied and the Captain wasn't looking at all. Looking everywhere but at Dominique."

And I loved the entire The captain wasn't looking at all thing, it was quite poetic. I really don't understand what's going on here though. Is the captain dating this girl? Is Carmella dating this girl because I'm pretty sure Carmella is a girl, and if she is then is she gay? I didn't see any slash warnings on your story so I'm going to say she isn't gay. But yeah I'm a little confused :P

Also I saw one typo you wrote this :
"everything ugly and t just made her so "
I think you meant ugly and it, with an i. Its not that big a deal, but I thought I'd point it out.

Anyway I'm still in love with this story, and I will be stalking it for your next update because I ned to know what happens next :) So update soon

-Liz

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Review #16, by BoOkWoRm24 2.

2nd August 2012:
Hi I'm back :)

So I think I loved this chapter even more than the last one because you took Carmella and you had her lie, which means that this entire thing is all about how her lie effects Dom and Scorp.

Peregrine is such an amazing friend, his characterization was really great in this chapter.In fact I can tell the entire team was really close and so I can sort of understand why everyone is reacting so extremely to this rift in the zen.

I'm loving Scorpius more and more by the minute. He doesn't seem to fit into any of the cliches that people like to shove him into . He isn't a bully like Draco. He might be popular, but he doesn't seem all that charismatic. He is like that quiet hard leader that no one truely knows and I love that you're writing him like that. Its perfect

And then when he just sort of ignores her apoligy, I loved it.

Anyway I'm goingn to cut this review short and save some gushing for chapter 3 :)

-Liz

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Review #17, by BoOkWoRm24 1.

2nd August 2012:
Here with your requested review...

I LOVED THIS.

I have been on the hunt for a Next Gen fic that I could stalk for the past several weeks. The problem has always been that the majority of them are al cliche, and generally all have the same story line (boy and girl are rivals, then they fall in love) I've been searching for something really original. The problem is that finding something original is really really hard. But I've found it in your fic.

Everything about this was wonderful. I love the way you write. Its just so poetic. And the way that you tied in this entire lie thing. I love it!

The way you called Scorpius The Captain, and didn't name the Keeper, or the one Chaser was great. Its gave them this air of mystery, and I loved it.

Then when she blew up on Scorpius, the way he seemed so calm about it. I love his character by the by. It was so perfect

Then I loved the last line. "It wasn't as if she had been in love, anyway." The repititon of that throughout the entire peice was great and then you ended it on that, which made it even more amazing.

So this review isn't very co herent. Its mostly me just rambling about how much I'm in love with this story which you know is very constructive, but whatever :) . Point being, I LOVED THIS.

Now usually I would leave off saying feel free to re request for another review or somthing to that effect, but don't bother re requesting because I know I'm just going to go ahead and review the next chapter now (and the next one) without a request because this one was so amazing.

So yeah this was really really really really good. I can't wait to see what you do with the next chapter :)
-Liz

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Review #18, by BellaFan202 1.

1st August 2012:
Here's your requested review. :)

I really liked the quote at the beginning. I had to read it a couple times to understand it, but I did like it. :)

When Eileen was telling Dominique to get that smile off her face, you wrote, "ĎGet that smile of your face,í" There needs to be a second 'f' in 'of'.

When Dominique was talking about how she was crazy about the beaters, she said, "She was crazy about them to." You used the wrong form of "to." In this case it needs to be "too."

This sentence: "They didnít always like him, didnít know what to make of him and more often than not wanted to strangle him, but he was the boss." This doesn't totally make sense. Maybe try it like this: "The didn't always like him, didn't always know what to make of him, and more often than not, they wanted to strangle him, but he was the boss."

Here it's not completely necessary to replace the first comma with a semi colon, but it might improve readability (is that a word? Haha. :P ) "Two hours of madness followed, flying Quaffles and murderous Bludgers, a traitorous Snitch and a crowd that loved it all."

Here: " A flurry of arms, legs and hair and the red ribbon she had tied her hair with got loose." I think you should try to word it a little more like this: "In a flurry of arms, legs, and hair, the red ribbon she had tied in her hair came loose."

Here: "All was in slow motion and Dominique, almost in awe, watched the ribbon twirl..." This doesn't make very much sense. Maybe like this: "In slow motion, Dominique watched the ribbon twirl..." I think if you were going to put "in awe" then you might have to trade it out with "in slow motion" because I think both together is just too much.

As to your other concerns that you asked me to looks for:

Emotion: Yes, I can feel the emotion from word one. You know she loves Scorpius. You know she's crushed when she finds out he dislikes her. You can feel it, yes.

It is understandable, and it does keep my interest, even though it's not necessarily the kind of story that I normally read.

There ya go! If you have any questions, you can PM me or whatever. :)

Don't forget to request the next chapter! :)

Author's Response: Ahh, yes, I love this. Spelling mistakes. No matter how many times I re-read my own chapters, I just never seem to spot them. Probably because I know what I wanted to write and should've written. Tricky brain.

Also, I have to admit the little changes you make to my sentence really are a world of difference. So thank you so much. Will edit the chapter as soon as possible and I'll definitely be back for chapter 2.

Thank you!


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Review #19, by Veritaserum_Girl 3.

1st August 2012:
Wow! This was another really good chapter! I will definitely be waiting for an update!

I can't wait to see what happens in the next chapter! I think you've written your characters very well and I love the twist that you put in there. The one about Carmella thinking Dominique was a threat and telling that lie to keep her away from Scorpius.

I love this!

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Review #20, by Veritaserum_Girl 2.

1st August 2012:
I really like the character Peregrine. He seems really sweet and really seems to care about Dominique.

I also really love the idea of the entire Slytherin House sitting in the common room to see what would happen with the Slytherin Quidditch team.

My favorite line was, "It was like a Muggle painting, all frozen and beautiful, except for the Captain who just kept scribbling on the piece of parchment in his lap." That was a very good use of imagery; I could clearly see all of the Slytherin Housemates sitting still with anticipation gleaming in their eyes as they waited for Dominique and Peregrine to return as Scorpius just continued writing.

Another good chapter! c:

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Review #21, by Veritaserum_Girl 1.

1st August 2012:
Wow! This was really good!

What I really love about this, so far, is how Dominique is in denial. I think that the way that she is constantly trying to convince herself that she doesn't love Scorpius is really realistic, in a sense.

Another thing I like is how you don't give your characters away right away; you give a short, if not detailed, description before revealing their name.

But, I absolutely love the start you have! Off to chapter 2!

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Review #22, by ChaosWednesday 2.

29th July 2012:
Hey it's Whiskey again, back with a second review!

Ok, a few minor things:

1)"but her sobbing was incomprehensible" seems a little odd, since sobbing is always incomprehensible. Maybe her words were incomprehensible through the sobbing, or her sobbing obscured the words...

2)"because he knew the Captain's calm and Dominique's wild and how her rage and her passion seemed to burn even brighter in the face of his indifference and his detachedness and his inability to really care." This sentence is a bit odd. It's tone implies Dominique's subjectivity, but its about Peregrine's perception. I would advise you to remove the multiple "and"s or to split it into two sentences. One about Peregrine and one about Dom's insistance on Scorpius' not caring.

3) In the beginning of the chapter, I noticed a slight overload of "Not in love"s again and I still think that maybe lowering the number of times you say it might be more effective. Also, although this is really a minor thing, but the use of "Captain" and "Scorpius" carry very different meanings in this context (in my opinion), but sometimes it seemed like you were useing them interchangeably. Maybe it would strengthen the emotion of the piece if the use of "Captain" were more strategic? Just a thought :P

Oh, and I liked this: "It was like a Muggle painting, all frozen and beautiful"! This was just a really nice detail. It is very likely that wizards would find the backwardness of Muggle art and technology endearing and beautiful in a chilling sort of way...

In general, I still adore the story and want more! I like how stubborn, awkward and conflicted both Scorpius and Dominique are. Although this chapter drifted dangerously close to meladromatic, it still totally works! I like how it's a character-driven plot, where the problems and solutions depend on the people, and not on external factors like House or family or (the hpff method of choice) detention with your crush, etc.

Thank you for requesting and feel free to rerequest when you've updated, I'd be very happy to read more!

cheers!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for this review. I've already edited the chapter and tried - really tried - to remove some not in love's which was harder than I thought it would be, but you were right, there was a bit of an overdose. I still need to go back to really fix it, but thank you for pointing it out.l I wouldn't have noticed it by myself ;)

Also, #2 after reading it, didn't work the way I wanted to, but I have no idea how to really fix it, since I dont want to split it in two. Any suggestions?

I really love Scorpius and Dominique and I don't think they need crazy plot antics to make their story roll forward. It is all going a bit slow at the moment, but that's also the way they are. And yes, they are TERRIBLY stubborn. But that's what I love most about them.

Again, thank you for the review. I'll be hopping over to your thread now ;)


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Review #23, by ChaosWednesday 1.

29th July 2012:
hey, Whiskey here with your review!

For the first time in a long time, I can hardly think of any criticism!! It's mind-blowing.

First of all, the quotes are a great touch! Not only do they add perspective, but they set a clear theme (lies, in this case) that the reader can prepare to explore before the chapter even starts.

They also set the mood, which, by the way, is also wonderfully done! You've managed to narrate with such a delicate blend of frustration and melancholy, its really gripping. What could have been a typical boy-girl story suddenly feels like a rather mature take on feelings of attraction, on the fears that come with it, on obsession and on self-denial. Wonderful, really.

Ow dear, and that isn't even half of all the great things about this chapter!

I am also very impressed with the RYTHM of the narration. As in, it HAS proper rythm, which is insane! The patterns created by interchanging long and short sentences make the emotions they describe seem so much more vivid. It is the opposite of the typical, monotonous, information-dump type of narration that is so common around here.

I would suggest, though, that you lower the count of the "Not love" statements, and place them more strategically. This will still draw attention to the words and question them, but it won't seem repetitive. There are a few more awkward moments, for example when she first exchanges one of her meaningful looks with Scorpius, its seems a bit sudden. Also, the rest of the team are a bit difficult to keep track of and tell apart, but I suppose we will get to know them in time, so it's no big deal.

Now to the content: I love how Dominique is independent and strong but at the same time vulnerable and so dedicated. It makes total sense that she would be fighting these feelings, because they are kind of scary.

I also found the role that gossip plays so far very realistic and interesting. I suspect hear-say will be a major obstacle for this pair, huh? :p

Anyways, go you, this was amazing!! I'm off to the next chapter!

10/10

Author's Response: Hi,

First off, thank you for reviewing. This review just made my day. I'm responding with a big grin on my face :D

Even I, while writing, found it a bit hard to keep track of the entire team, but at least in the rest of the story only they are prominent. This is the cast; what you see is what you get ;)

After th third chapter is validated I'll go back and fix the first, with all the help from the reviews and I'l try to tone down the 'not love' statements. I noticed that sometimes it flows great with the sentence, but not with the story, so I do need to go back and fix that.

Thank you again for reviewing! :D


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Review #24, by marissa lily potter 2.

29th July 2012:
Hello there again!

Wow, I love your writing style. I think you write so beautifully. The way you describe things and make the setting so clear and the way you describe the actions of people. Everything flows together so well. That's the thing, your flow is amazing. I would give it a 10/10. I love that everything fits into place like it was always meant to be like that.

Your characterizations of Dominique and Scorpius are coming along really well. Of course, it feels like something is missing with them but I think it's supposed to be like if I'm not mistaken. They're supposed to be mysterious and not open, right? I like how you've created them.

The pace is perfect and it definitely keeps my interest! It does from the very beginning of each chapter through the end and when I did reach the end, I found myself wanting more. You really have a gift of kepping the reader's interest so well. Great work with that!

Also, I think the quotes in the beginning of each chapter are absolutely wonderful. I liked them and I can see how they play into the rest of the chapter. Dominique is a bit rash, isn't she but that's also because she's feeling hurt and I completely understand that. I love how relatable you make the characters. It makes the readers even more interested when you do that.

Overall, amazing chapter! I loved reading and I would love to read more from you. Great work and good luck with the rest of the story!

-Marissa

Author's Response: Hi!

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOUUU! It's always good to hear someone likes your writing style :D

As for Dominique and Scorpius; so much IS missing. Their 'relationship' has so many gaps and unspoken words and feelings not acted upon. I just love them. And sadly enough they remind me so much of myself. Jumping to conclusions, listening to others, not being forward with what it is your feeling. Look around you, it happens all the time. So sad :(

But I'm getting melodramatic here.

I'm glad you noticed the quotes. It was a bit of a pain finding the right ones to fit the chapters - or fit the chapters to the quotes. I guess it was a bit of both.

Thank you again for reviewing and if you don't mind, I'll be in your review thread soon!


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Review #25, by Live Life Large 1.

29th July 2012:
Hey, LiveLarge here with your requested review!

I thought this story had some good emotion in it, and the way you wrote made me feel angry at Scorpius along with Dominique.

It felt very relatable, even though I can honestly say this sort of thing has never happened to me, because I think that somewhere we all worry that this is going to happen to us. That the person we love was really just faking it, and didn't care about us after all. Even though this was sad, I loved it, because Dom's heartbreak and emotions felt so real. Great job on that.

I did notice I couple of things whilst reading that I wanted to point out:

-"Precision when she caught and threw the Quaffle; elegant when she spun away from an incoming Bludger; fastidious because of the gameís demanding nature."
This sentence felt a little off because of your three main words here; precision, elegant, and fastidious. Your first word, precision, is in its noun form, but the other two are in adjective form. For better flow in this sentence, you should change the form of the words so that it's constant.

-"ĎYouíre a -,í she told him, smiling however."
I think the smiling bit feels a little off here. Maybe slightly smiling, but from their language and the fact that it doesn't seem like they're great friends makes her smiling seem a bit awkward. Just a quick thought though, nothing serious.

-"...all about how to be more awesome, magnificent, exotique and eccentric.
If you meant what I think you did here, it's generally spelt "exotic".

Her fall didn't quite sit right with me. Shouldn't she be at least momentarily scared, even if only for a second? The way you described it was very beautiful, though.

Great job keeping things interesting! It was short, which helped, but there wasn't one moment that I felt like this dragged on. Though the beginning was slower, so are all beginnings, so while you could make it a bit faster, don't let it worry you. The repetitive "she didn't love him" also added a sort of elegance to your writing, and made the words flow together well.

Great first chapter(: Thanks for requesting, and feel free to come back.

LLL(:

Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing. I'll be fixing the mistakes as soon as possible. Actually, with exotique I was going for the French spelling - with Dominique being half French and everything - but now that I look back at it, that was kind of a stretch -___-"

I'm not too happy about the fall either, but I liked the way I described it and everytime I tried to change it, it just didn't feel the same. If you have any suggestions, PLEASE, let me know! :D

Thanks again for reviewing and I will definitely be back.


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