14 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Aether History in the Making

23rd July 2012:
Great one-shot! I love reading about Cho Chang. I thought this was a very creative story, and I love how you created this broom-racing contest. It makes a lot of sense that the wizarding world would have competitions like this, and now you've got me thinking about all the potential for stories behind that idea. I also really liked how you are exploring Cho after Hogwarts. I thought it was really interesting that she had fallen in love with a Muggle woman.

I might've liked to have met that woman in the story, or to have learned more about how she felt about being abandoned her family and friends. I also felt that the broom race could have had a faster pace. When I was reading, it felt a little sluggish. I think it might be due to the large blocks of paragraphs. They slow the reader down, which is good sometimes, but it might be counterproductive for describing a broom race. Dialogue can also speed up the pace of the chapter, even if it's just Cho yelling out curses or something like that. It also could have been interesting if Cho had some sort of rapport with her competitors (which would also give dialogue). These are just suggestions. I felt like the chapter dragged just a bit, which felt strange because this was a race.

I feel like you did a great job of incorporating all the prompts. I love the part about dragon blood being used to clean ovens. Hah, hah. :)

I'm here from the review requests section. I'm so sorry for the lateness of my review.

Nicely done! Very creative and well-written. :) 10/10

Aether

Author's Response: Hey!

Thank you! I'm glad you like Cho Chang, since a lot of people don't like her. To be honest, I only threw in the muggle woman because I needed a reason for why Cho was there at the competition and why she wanted to win (for money). My thinking led me along the track to.. why would she need money? The only reason I could think of was estrangement from her family, and hence, the muggle woman. I'm glad to hear that it fit though - I wanted to build a background of Cho and have her in the competition for a reason (not just because it fit the plot). Cho and the muggle woman definitely would've been interesting to explore but it wasn't really a developed idea, I wanted to focus on the broom race, and for the sake of word count (since this was written for the House Cup challenge) it wouldn't have been possible.

I'm also really happy to hear that you thought it was creative, though to be honest, I didn't exactly create the broom-racing contest - it's an event mentioned in Quidditch Through the Ages :) But yeah, I agree that the potential for stories like this is wide and I'm so glad I stumbled onto it on HP Wiki!

That was probably one of the things I was most worried about - the pacing, the action and whether it would be exciting or boring, so thanks for the feedback! Oh yeah, I definitely do have huge blocks of paragraphs - at the time I was writing I couldn't really break it up into smaller ones - and I didn't want lots of too small paragraphs. However, I will definitely go back and have a look! And the suggestion of dialogue is also a really great one - the point you make is actually brilliant. Thank you so much for the suggestions and honest CC - they definitely help and I really, really appreciate it. Thank you so much for the fantastic review! :)
- Charlotte


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Review #2, by EverDiggory History in the Making

15th July 2012:
Holy Pete! I am here, FINALLY! I apologize for such a long wait!

General Review: So, this was just brilliant, may I say! I think you included the prompts seemingly effortlessly, like they were supposed to naturally be there! *cheers* You wrote it with a lot of detail, which really brought the story to left! I love how Cho wasn't 'oh perfect me, now let me cry over Cedric, oh my life is wonderfully and all the boys fall to my feet' as I often see her depicted. I will say in all honesty, she isn't my favorite character, but you shed a good light on her!

Plot: I was pleasantly surprised! I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, and it was very creative! I didn't even think of anything like this, so you really did take the creativity bar a few paces up!;D It was a very 'sit on the edge of your seat and start to get anxious' story because you wrote it with such an anxious feel! The action was just crazy and I was actually nervous (x Great job!

The overall writing: You're quite talented dearest, in all honesty. You put a lot into this, and it showed, the creativity of individuality of it, which made it stick out in good way, was wonderful, and the thought that went into it all was wonderful!

The ending: I didn't think the ending was lazy at all! The last sentence was wonderful! I don't think it was lazy in the slightest! It was definitely a 'phew' and wipe your forehead in relief moment(;

I thoroughly enjoyed this, and I'd like to thank you for reminding me that Cho really isn't all that bad! I think the common evil depictions of her are getting to me, and I want to that you for reminding me she's actually a pretty decent character! Thanks hun!:D

xx

Ever

Author's Response: Hey!

Thank you for the review! Don't worry about the lateness - it's no problem at all! Ahh, thank you so much! I am so glad to hear that the prompts fit in well. It took me ages to come up with this plot idea because all the earlier ones I had were built entirely around the prompts and I really didn't want to write a story that was just a story about the prompts. And I am so thrilled that the detail was good - description/detail is generally not my strong point. Same with the action - it's not a genre I ever write(?), so thank you! :P

Thank you! Sometimes Cho gets a little overrated - she is always crying - and though I can see it happening when she's younger - I see her as someone grown up now.

Aw thank you so much! It really means a lot to me that you think that, so thank you. A comment like that on my writing really makes my day. Thank you so much for the reading and for the absolutely lovely review. I really appreciate the effort! :)
- Charlotte


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Review #3, by LittleWelshGirl99 History in the Making

15th July 2012:
Oh, Charlotte, wow! This was just incredible! Definitely one of the most gripping and original House Cup entries I've read so far. It's amazing, what you've done with those prompts! :D It was a great story of perseverence, and Cho was written wonderfully as well. Plus the whole thought of broomstick racing itself is so clever and fascinating.

All the detailed descriptions of the race really sucked me into the action, and I could imagine the scene so clearly in my mind. I don't know why, but it reminded me of a massive obstacle course, with the dragons and such. Really enjoyable to read and imagine ;D.

Basically this was truly fabulous, and such a great representation of Ravenclaw. I'm glad I stopped by! (W.W.W.W.W!)
Annon x

Author's Response: Hey Annon!

Aw thank you so much! It means a lot to me that you thought that :) I really liked the idea of broomstick racing so I'm glad you found it fascinating! Yay! I'm glad to hear you could imagine it clearly since I sometimes struggle with description! Yes, it is sort of like an obstacle course, hehe. Ahh! Thank you so much for all the kind words! Thanks for reading and for leaving me such a lovely review! :)

- Charlotte


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Review #4, by Violet Gryfindor History in the Making

13th July 2012:
Oh my gosh! What you've done with the prompts is fantastic! I loved the gripping action and edge-of-you-seat suspense you kept up throughout this story. It had my heart racing, especially once Cho realized the truth about how the race had been won before - all the odds were against her, but she persevered in the only way she could. I know that she felt guilty about it, but that only made her more sympathetic and likeable - it was a terrible thing, but she had to do it, and I think she made the best choice. She proved herself not only to be superbly clever (like a good Ravenclaw!), but she was also incredibly brave, making for an excellent characterization of a character who is, sadly, rarely given such positive traits.

I also want to praise your inclusion of the various prompts. You slipped them into the narrative and descriptions so naturally that I had to go back and look again because my eyes had slipped over them. I had thought that trying to fit in the uses for dragon's blood was challenging, but you made it look very easy, not at all forced into the narrative. I thought that all of this demonstrated a lot of care on your part, and you did it all within a few days, too!

Only one line stood out as a little too wordy, and that was It did not help to hinder... from near the beginning - the "help to" part isn't really necessary to include. Otherwise, there's great flow in this story that kept me glued to it until the end. :D

Author's Response: Hey!

Thank you so much for this lovely review! This really made my day, especially with all the nice things you said! :) It was absolutely fantastic to hear that the action and suspense came through, and I'm glad to hear that you found Cho likeable in this story even if she's unlikeable in the books!

Ahh thank you so much! It's so great to hear that! That is actually one of the sentences I remember pausing after writing it and thinking, is that right? so thank you for pointing it out - I think I'll take it out. Just thank you so much for reading and for the really lovely review. I really appreciate it! :)

- Charlotte


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Review #5, by sophie_hatter History in the Making

13th July 2012:
Hello! This was definitely one of the most original entries for the House Cup, and I loved reading it. I thought you used the prompts really well, and it was great to see a minor canon event like the broom race used so effectively. Great job!

Author's Response: Hey!

Thank you! I'm glad to hear that since my stories are usually not very original! Thank you so much for reading and for the lovely review! :)

- MM


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Review #6, by DracoFerret11 History in the Making

13th July 2012:
Hey there! This is DarkRose from the forums. First of all, this story was awesome! I thought it was spectacularly original and creative. You worked the prompts in flawlessly. If I hadn't known they were there, I wouldn't have even noticed. I loved how you used something mentioned in Quidditch Through the Ages to write this story! How awesome! Yay for other canon sources. And your characterization of Cho! LOVED IT. Loved that she had fallen in love with, not only a Muggle (which we know as canon), but a woman. Totally great. And I think you did a wonderful job of making this story exciting. The dragons were really believable, as was the "champion" guy who was so competitive he was a craze. And Cho won! YAY! So, terrific job! What a great story for us 'Claws. :]

--Emily

Author's Response: Hey Emily!

Thank you so much! It's so great to hear that you thought it was original and creative because both of those are things I strive for and find really hard to achieve. I't's great to hear that the prompts fit in well! And the characterisation - it's fantastic to hear that you loved Cho! It also makes me so happy to hear that it was exciting and believable, because I was worried it wouldn't be. Thank you for reading and for the absolutely lovely review you've left me! :)

- Charlotte


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Review #7, by Moonyxluna History in the Making

12th July 2012:
Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)

I thought this was so exciting! I've been so busy with RL stuff that I've had absolutely no time to read any of the house cup entries, so I was happy when I saw someone request one! I really liked how you incorporated her looking for more thrill from the battle, to joining professional Quidditch, to needing something more, up to this stage.

All of your details through her flying were great. I really love how you incorporated the dragons into the race and the details you provided on each one of what would happen around them. It gave us the idea that Cho really prepared for the race and I think it fit in her personality.

I understand your concerns about the ending. I did like the final lines a lot so don't change those. Maybe you could add a little bit in about Kampe falling behind; he was last mentioned being just ahead of her and then all the sudden Cho won. Maybe make that a little race to the finish? You know, before the Wronski Feint? I know you had to stay in a certain word count for the house cup, but just an idea in case you felt like expanding on this in the future.

'Quidditch' should be capitalized (giving J.K. Rowling credit for creating the whole Wizarding World and everything in it) for if you go back and edit.

You did a great job on this and I really enjoyed reading it! Great work :)

-Julie

Author's Response: Hi Julie! :)

Thank you so much! I'm so glad you found it exciting - I was quite worried that it wouldn't be! It's the first time I've ever written something like this - action, flying, lots of movement.. so it's great to hear that the details were good!

Oh I'm glad you liked the final lines, I'm always hesitant whether they're actually good finishing lines or not. In regards to Kampe, I didn't explicitly write it out (because I wanted to be sure that this was 15+!) but the dragon finished him off.. lol. Anyway, the idea of expanding this with more details is a good one - I do feel the ending lacks a bit of detail, and a Cho/Kampe race sounds interesting!

I'm always unsure about whether to capitalise certain words in the Harry Potter universe or not - like spells, objects, creatures.. so thank you for clearing that up about Quidditch! Ahh, thank you so much for reading and for the really lovely review! I really appreciate it! :)
- Charlotte


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Review #8, by manno_malfoy History in the Making

12th July 2012:
Hi! I'm here with the review you've requested!

I'm still having a hard time understanding how you guys have managed to come up with such wonderful stories in such a short time! Truly amazing! And the Ravenclaw entries I've read so far are all so awesome! I may be slightly biased though...!

Anyway! Firstly, I find it crucial to congratulate on how you've seamlessly executed the prompts! My personal favourite bits are: the one that has to do with the dragon blood -you've used it brilliantly, and the one that has to do with the Probity Probes and Secrecy Sensor! The fact that you've made a security check up before the race is quite a smart move and adds to how realistic everything seems to be.

Also, the very idea of taking this opportunity to include the broom race in a fanfic was smart! I mean, I am yet to come across an entry that has used this event too.

I found it great that you've mentioned to us why Cho was doing something as this in the first place and that you've written that bit well. I suppose that we did need to know why anyone like Cho -this may be natural for a hardcore Gryffindor or a Sirius Black- would submit themselves to something as insanely dangerous as that race!

I liked the pace at which the story went and I felt that you neither bombarded us with descriptions of everything around Cho nor left us feeling that the story lacked detail. In fact, I believe that you've done a good job describing the race and moving the characters around in the sky in a way that made me see it in my mind.

As for the ending which you've pointed out in the request... Honestly, yes, I do believe that maybe it's a bit cliche-ish to make the main character win the race. Nonetheless, I believe that it's a very suitable ending and necessary for the inclusion of the 'flourishing in the face of adversity' prompt. Besides having portrayed Cho throughout the story as someone who's been very well-prepared for the race and had more than one reasonable motive to invest her best effort, you've worded that bit very well and linked it to the title -which I liked.

Well done on getting this awesome entry in for task one and, hopefully, W.W.W.W.W.

-Manno

Author's Response: Hi Manno!

Thank you so much for the lovely review! Well, there are some absolutely wonderful writers in Ravenclaw, (and in other houses too)! :) Thank you! I spent a while trying to think of a good idea to go with the prompts and I'm so happy I found the broom race because it allowed me to put in all the prompts fairly easily!

I'm glad you found it great that I mentioned why Cho was doing this. Initially it wasn't as detailed as I had it now but I wanted it to be believable. Aw thank you! One of the things I was most worried about was description and telling the story - I think it's something I sometimes struggle with so it's really nice to hear that the race made sense (and this is so out of my comfort zone as well).

I definitely agree with your point - but also, happy endings are always preferable aren't they? :P Thank you! It's great to hear that you liked the title linking with the last words - I always try to do something like that. Lately I've been debating whether to change the title to something more dramatic and action-y though.. maybe not?

Anyway, thank you so much for reading and reviewing this! I really do appreciate the really lovely review you left me! :)
- Charlotte


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Review #9, by xelha horse History in the Making

12th July 2012:
Fantastic job here! I loved the idea of a broom race, instead of just a regular old Quidditch match. Great job writing!! I also like how you managed to mention a Wronski Feint-- thumbs up! :)

Author's Response: Hey!

Ahh thank you so much! I'm glad you do - as soon as I heard that broom races existed I needed to write the story about it! The Wronski Feint was a spur of the moment idea, but one that I'm very pleased with (I don't know how else I would have gotten rid of the dragon..) Thank you so much for reading and for the lovely review! :)

- MM


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Review #10, by Alopex History in the Making

12th July 2012:
Hey, this is a really neat story! Even though all the stories I've read so far have been different somehow, they all contain similar elements since everyone is using the same prompts. However, this was a really creative and different idea! Nice job.

I really enjoyed the action too. It was a very exciting story that had me on the edge of my seat. Your take on Cho was nice as well. I like that you went forward in time to when she's a bit older and not so much the weepy teenager anymore.

Author's Response: Hey Alo!

Thank you so much! Creative and different are things I strive for but don't really achieve in my stories, so it's really nice to hear that about this piece :) And thank you! I'm so glad it was exciting - I was worried it wouldn't be. Yeah, the majority of Cho fics are her weeping or at the very least, mourning over Cedric, so I wanted to show another side of her in this. Thank you for reading and for the lovely review! :)

- MM


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Review #11, by charlottetrips History in the Making

11th July 2012:
That was fun to read! Broom races are a new introduction for me to the Wizarding world and a nice expansion of the usual and familiar we know. It makes sense though, just like we have car racing, they should have broom racing :)

I thought the ending was fine on its own. Hey, maybe you couldve thrown in some colorful cursing from Kmpe but whatev, it worked! :) This was so different to read from our other submissions and so was refreshing.

xChar

Author's Response: Hey Char!

Thank you for the lovely review! Me too - I am so happy to say that I myself haven't read any broom races before (now I need to search the archive for that).. because everything I write is usually not very original or refreshing for that matter!

Aw thanks! Colourful cursing might not be 15+, and I don't have any experience with writing cursing, but it's definitely something I'll look into! Thank you for pointing that out - now that I look back at it, Kämpe cursing seems like something entirely plausible and realistic that should happen! :P Thank you so much for the lovely review! :)

- MM


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Review #12, by TyrannicFeenix History in the Making

10th July 2012:
Very nice. Loved it the whole way through. The pace is good throughout, not too rushed or too slow. Also a great setting. Loved the imagery. Wish the word limit had been higher because I'd have loved it to go longer.

Author's Response: Hey!

Thank you so much! Those are such wonderful comments, so thank you! It really means a lot to me :) AHH REALLY? I was starting to near the 2500 word limit so the ending feels slightly insufficient but to hear that is just amazing. Thank you for the really lovely review! :)

- MM


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Review #13, by Aiedail History in the Making

10th July 2012:
Lottie. This is wonderful! I know you haven't written anything in a while and this is a fantastic way to make a comeback into the fic-writing world. This is so, so original and I love the detail you've provided for us. The writing is really good, too, good quality.

I'm really amazed at this whole sport you've thought out--it's so consistent and detailed and this, I can't stop saying it, it such a creative way to include the dragon! The bit about the blood was great, too--this whole story has really given me a sense of your good instinct in writing and your intelligence, your ability to construct a world and then stick to it and write something really riveting. I felt so involved in this, and I couldn't wait to see what happened. I had to stop myself from skimming actually :P

"...but she needed a new tactic if she wanted to win or avoid being dead." I couldn't help but think, how true, hahah. Good and succinct of her to put it this way. I love the way that this straight-forward narration makes it easy to follow the plot, and it seems to really fit with Cho's to-the-point competitiveness. It seems like your own knowledge of athletics is helping you out a bit here ;)

I LOVE the fact that Cho won the race using Quidditch tactics! That's a brilliant strategy on your part. It makes this really, I don't know--not quite poignant, but a bit moving. You feel her desperation and then, in that sharp ascent, her joy as well. The last few lines are wonderful, too, and really in line with the upbeat, energetic tone of this piece. The whole thing has such a vividness to it; the imagery was clear and really a joy to read.

Well done, Lottie! Loved this.

-Lily

Author's Response: Lily!

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! Ahh you are so nice - you really made my day with this review! Writing original stories is challenging so to hear that is amazing.

YOUR SECOND PARAGRAPH! ♥ Thank you! You are much too nice, and I'm so happy to hear that - I was afraid it might be a bit dull/uninteresting!

Thank you! It was a spur of the moment idea that fit in with the story really well because I needed a way for Cho to shake off the dragon and win (and I loved that it was a Seeker tactic too)! Gah I also thought I was lacking emotions throughout this, so I'm glad it still came through. THANK YOU FOR THE WONDERFUL REVIEW! :)

- MM


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Review #14, by WitnesstoitAll History in the Making

9th July 2012:
Gah. I don't know how but I seem to have skipped over yours when I initially ran through reading and reviewing our house entries!! My apologies.

This was an extrememly unique concept for a Cho and dragon story!! Everything here was so creative. You created a huge, international broom race to the death out of a very GoF esque set of prompts. So, major kudos for that. I think you managed to create a very intense atmosphere in this story -- I was very much reminded of roiler derby or something. I think you wove the prompts in really well too! It's late, and so I don't know if I missed any or not, but I didn't notice any glaring grammatical errors.

Great job!! W.W.W.W.W!

Author's Response: Hey!

Don't apologise, thank you so much for the review! I only got mine validated recently and since the list isn't in validation order that's probably why you skipped it. Thank you for reviewing this though :)

Creative writing and unique concepts can be quite the challenge for me so thank you for that! I'm glad the intense atmosphere came through - I struggled to avoid it being dull. Thank you for the lovely review! :)

- MM


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