this was a different story
and very interesting please update quickly =] Report Review
Hi! I'm finally (been out of town :p) here with your requested review :)
I think you've got a really strong start here. You seem like you have a really great idea for this and I am interested to see where it progresses.
You asked about characterization in your request. Finn definitely has a strong personality, and while it is good and original, I guess I'm not quite sure if it's too much here. Her language works with her strong personality but it gets a little distracting after a while. I felt like you have a really great idea for her personality, but let us learn things as they come along, if that makes sense? Some of the tangents that she goes off on may get distracting if they don't play a part in the current conversation she's having. I do think itís great how thorough of an understanding of her character you seem to have, though :)
I thought the flow of this was spot on. We didn't spend too much or too little time in one place, and I really enjoyed the length of the chapter because it gave me a great opportunity to learn about the characters without it ending too quickly. The only thing I can think for that is to work on your surrounding descriptions to give the reader a great idea of what is going on in that particular scene of the chapter. Talk about how busy the pub is, how they have to sneak around to get to the cellar of Honeydukes, and how they make a beeline to the door. Little things like that will create more of a scene and add to the picture you're working on.
The Justin Beiber reference. For one thing I don't think that would even be allowed because he's a real living person and ToS says that's not supposed to be accepted. But the math is what really bothers me. If this is set in Lily Potter's 7th year that would make Justin Beiber 32 years old. I just can't see him having that tweenage heartthrob hair flip at that age ;) So maybe re-think that pop culture reference.
From the summary I am interested to see how you plan on having her go from checking out other girls with Louis to eventually falling for him. I am looking forward to seeing how things play out so feel free to re-request when you get chapter 2 posted :)
-Julie Report Review
One of the first things I noticed in your fanfiction was its originality. I was very impressed by the relatable characters, the interesting plot, and the smooth transitions you established.†
My favorite character, so far, is definitely Finn. You're one of the few brave authors that is willing to create a gay character. This is one of the key features that makes your story unique. However, I felt that you spent a bit too long discussing Finn (her favorite subject, her name, etc.). Instead of outright describing her character, try hinting at her personality, her appearance, her favorite subject, etc. throughout the story.†
The first chapter flowed very nicely, easily transitioning from one event to the next. Additionally, I was immediately drawn in by the plot, which was well-constructed.†
Voldy Needs a Hug Report Review
Hi here with your requested review:
Alright so I thought that this was a different way to start off your first chapter. There was no action scene, or backround overload, you sort of relied on your character's loud personality to hook your reader, and I thought it was rather effective.
Characterization: Alright so as I said before Finn has a pretty strong personality. But the thing about it is that I think she's rather likeable. She's got that sort of 'I'm too cool for you' persona that a lot of people like reading. As far as Mary Sueness goes I haven't seen anything explicitely Mary Suey yet. Having her be gay makes her a bit more unique, but still real (so not Mary Sue-ey). So good job, I don't think she's a Mary Sue (yet).
There were a few points that I might work on.
For one you sort of had her do the "my name is this I like this, but I don't like this" part at one point. That is sort of a big no no for first chapters. Try and work in that information throughout the chapter. I understand that you needed her to tell us that she's gay, but again work it in. Maybe when she's talking with Louis mention that she plays quidditch. Wait a chapter to tell us her favorite subject is transfigurations. Work it in where its relavent (like before a lesson, or while doing homework). The way you did it made it seem sort of random, and doing backround in that sort of way is never a good thing.
Also I saw a few grammar things like you need a quotation mark at the very very end after Finn. And there was a few Next Gen innaccuracies in there. (Louis mentioned that James was his brother, when James is really his cousin). I would recomend a beta, who would catch these things for you.
Other than that this was a pretty good chapter. Keep up the good work.
~House Cup 2012 Report Review
This is different,but it makes it interesting :)
I don't read much next-gen but the characters seemed really interesting and it also feels like that there is so much more to the characters!
The plot has just started out but I have a feeling it's going to be good and the flow is perfect :)
10/10 and I'm adding to my favourites because I want to read on :D Report Review
Hmmm intersting story... cant wait to c if finn and loius get together... but i imagine it will be veryyy akaward... its good to know eq. And james get together in the end. but anyway. good start and update BOTH storys soon! But yea good story so far!:) Report Review
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