I really enjoyed reading this and thought that you did a wonderful job at making your character stand out. Astoria is written well with the mental twist. I haven't read a lot of stories about her, but she has always been an interesting character. I was happy to see your portrayl of her. You also did a wonderful job connecting the reader to your story.
Keep up the great writing! Good Luck on the challenge! =)
-SR17Author's Response: Thankyou so much! I really enjoyed writing this too. :D Report Review
The build up and the revealing of the characters, I always love it!
So first I shall address the characters:
They are both lovely and believable, you give subtle hints through the beginning, so I already knew it was Astoria and Draco before you even had to say it. So, overall you've reflected the characters well, their tones and actions seem to be realistic to what I feel would be canon after the battle of Hogwarts and their school years.
Overall, I think you really did the characters justice, it would be nice to see a few more physical descriptors used. Though, I believe you do touch on some very key ones like grey eyes and fine blonde hair for Draco, but you don't really give us anything about Astoria.
Past the characters, I was left with a couple questions come the end of the story, you mention things like her sister's survival and then that happiness being crushed, which leads me to believe that this probably takes place right after the Battle of Hogwarts. However, I feel like Draco wouldn't have broke his Slytherin ways and tended to a Ravenclaw this soon after the battle. Maybe some clarification on that? I think it might be a nice touch, to really allow the readers to evaluate the true surge of all the emotions the characters are feeling.
Overall though, a really effective story and I quite enjoyed it! Good job, keep it up! :)Author's Response: Thankyou! :)
Well Daphne actually dies a good half year after the war, because I assumed that's probably how long it took most people to resume their lives in a normal fashion and rebuild them. So yeah, it's not exactly right after the battle...and who's to say Astoria was Ravenclaw? ;) I should probably clear that up when I edit the story though! thanks for pointing it out.
I really appreciate the review! :) Report Review
This was quite chilling. Her comparision of people to rivers is really sad, especially when she starts talking about the crack in her dam. It makes my heart break, her sadness. How completely awful, to lose a sister. The flashbacks to the "game" she would play with Daphne makes me want to cry. I've done similar things with my sister. And poor Draco, trying to comfort her, but getting nothing. Overall, just a really good and heartbreaking one-shot.Author's Response: Thankyou so much! :) Yeah, I had to imagine how it would be like to lose my sister in order to make it all more believable. *shudders* Report Review
That was nice! You put a really interesting twist on it by adding her and Daphne's little "game". Loved it. :)Author's Response: Thankyou! :D Report Review
I am finally, finally here with you review! I am so sorry for such a wait!
This was really haunting. I loved how the game Astoria had played with Daphne really effected her.
I liked the plot! I really did, it was quite intriguing! The only thing is, I would have loved to see more! I would have thought it brilliant to see more of Astoria' pain and the feeling of loss, and perhaps Draco's pain because his partner seems so broken and hurt. I really only understood Astoria's pain because of the basic knowledge that losing someone you love hurts. It would have been wonderful to have you further explain the deep loss and pain that Astoria felt. The bit where you said something along the lines of Astoria waiting for the knock on her door in the middle of the night when sleep refuses to visit is where I feel like you started to explain how her loss was effecting everything, and I would love to see more of that
I loved Draco in this story. I really can't describe why, I just do. I feel like he's trying to be supportive and comforting but he's not the best at it. I loved Astoria, she seemed very ghost-like to me because she seemed empty, and I adore that.
The flow really isn't bad, but if you took out the page breaks and tried to make her thoughts/memories flow into what's happening, it would work much better for you!
I really did like this, and truthfully it's really good, but there is some room for improvement. You're a brilliant writer and I'd like to see you improve this, even though it's already really good! I adore Draco/Astoria so I love the idea of this! It's so inspiring!
EverAuthor's Response: Hey, thankyou so much! It's perfectly fine, I've been really busy too.
I'm so glad you liked my characterisation, I was so worried I wouldn't be able to pull it off.
Thankyou so much again :D I'll go over it and re-write/edit/smooththeflow as soon as I get the time. Your criticism really helps!
x Report Review
Nice work with the italics outlining the past, works quite well. The spacing is rather wide, it's almost a little annoying, don't know if that was intentional or an editor bug.
I like the view through her thoughts, very short but still gets the point across. You can feel her pain over the loss of her sister and her need to hold it in. The loss she must feel at such a time, it's really conveyed quite well.
TyrannicFeenixAuthor's Response: Thankyou! :) I'll just fix the spacing. Report Review
This was a very interesting take on Draco and Astoria, but I loved it! :) You have such a gift for writing her, and developing a strong narrator in a one-shot under 700 words is a brilliant skill :) There weren't much mistakes, although I did see this:
You've become to thin. - it's with two O's, love, not just one, to make 'too'. Just thought you ought to know :)
I understood it perfectly well! I loved the plot it had - most one-shots don't have one since they are so short and all, but yours... wow. You explore canon, making things your own, what with Daphne's death and Astoria's grieving and your imagery! *squish* I loved the idea of the game with the questions and the honest answers - it's like the Truth in Truth or Dare except more real and more raw and more hesitant and more dangerous, which I adore - and the bit about the dams breaking! Oh, goodness me. Beautiful, all of it. It definitely flows well, so don't worry about it.
Thanks for requesting, feel free to re-request on another story, and speaking of which, good luck on them! :)
--LinnAuthor's Response: Thankyou so much hun! :D I have a goofy grin on my face right now.
I'll just fix that. I'm not going to be able to write much now that the holidays are almost over, this was a very-suddenly-written-at-4am oneshot, but I'm glad you liked it!
Thanks again, I'll be sure to re-request if I write something else :) Report Review
First off, may I say, fantastic banner. It really caught my attention.
Your story is so enigmatic, and it had me guessing till the end. I love how you twist the words down to the last meticulous detail, and yet keep the reader hooked onto every little thing. I absolutely love this, and your writing stye as well. This is definitely going into my favorites.
Great job xxAuthor's Response: Thankyou so much hun! :) all the credits go to ahoythere/peppersweet for the banner!
x Report Review
Awww, I really liked this!
I think the flow was excellent, and it made perfect sense, to me at least. I was a bit confused at the beginning as to why Astoria was mentioning the game, but I was just getting ahead of myself, because that made perfect sense later in the story.
I love your story summary in connection to this one shot. He didn't understand, not even at the very end. He may have sympathized, but that is different. He couldn't understand the hole the loss of Daphne left behind.
For a short one shot, you really captured the sister to sister bond quite well. It's one I like to explore in my own stories, so I understand how difficult it is.
All in all, I think you did a really good job :)
~CassieAuthor's Response: Thankyou ^_^ Ah, the summary. I think that took me longer than the story itself. First I thought about it the whole day, then when I got it I finally managed to post the story. And then I had formatting issues with it.
But anyways, thankyou so much for this wonderful review :D it's made my day. Report Review
Hi there! VioletBlade here with your requested review!
Oh. My. Word. I loved this! This was a beautifully written one-shot! Don't let anyone tell you it's not! I think you've captured the tortured mind of a girl who has lost her best friend, her only sister, to a war she never wanted to be in in the first place! And the way you write descriptions is incredible!
Plot: As for it being confusing, I didn't think so! It might be to some people, but it really depends on the type of person reading the story. For instance, I love stories like this, the way it makes you really get involved in the story and think about where a character is coming from, so I didn't find it confusing at all. I think it also ended sublimely. I couldn't have asked for a better ending to this story! I loved that you drew it right back to the game her sister and her had played. It brought it all together without really resolving everything, so the reader knows Astoria is far from being over her sister's death. It still gives it that element of angst, which is perfect in a story such as this one! Good job overall in this area! :D
We obviously don't know much about Astoria Greengrass, but I like the character you've built her to be in this one-shot. She's got depression and also insolence, but she's also obviously very caring, at least in regards to her deceased older sister. As for Draco, I like that he's still as insistant as he ever was, but he's grown caring. We can only hope he would with the woman JKR has him marry! :)
Not too much to comment on here, hun, just a few things! :)
"It was preposterous and pointless, a game played when sleep was unwilling to come, and worry plagued our teenage minds in the midst of a restless war." There's no comma needed in this sentence, hun! :)
‘You’ve become to thin.’ Here, the correct form of 'to' is actually 'too'. :)
Well, that about does it on my end! Thank you for requesting from me, it was an absolutely wonderful read! I'll be adding this into my favorites! :D
~VioletBladeAuthor's Response: Wow, thankyou so much! I really appreciate the review.
I had so much fun writing this one-shot, actually. The idea came to me at three in the morning and I typed it in onto my computer and fell asleep. I edited it in the morning of course, but there's nothing like what you write on a sleep deprived brain ;)
For Astoria's characterisation I just thought, 'Okay, what if god forbid my sister died, and I went a bit mental, how would I react?' And for Draco, well, Draco was just Draco.
I'll be fixing up those grammar mistakes as soon as I can. Thankyou so much again :D
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