Hey, a fellow Gryffie here!
Great story and really original- I liked that Neville was the Chosen One and not Harry! Short and sweet, and you wrote the action really well and the way you fitted in the prompts was good.
Well done! :)Author's Response: Thanks for the read and the review. Glad you enjoyed it. I pales compared to some of the amazing entries from Gryffindor for this Task but I had fun writing it so it doesn't matter. Good to see it flowed fairly well considering I chose to stuff every prompt I could find into the mix. Report Review
Hello! This was a really great one shot :)
I have to say that I was a bit surprised reading the opening paragraphs of this, since it did sound so much like Harry and your title said otherwise, but that was a brilliant twist. I like that Neville did have somethings the same as Harry, like drawing the Hungarian Horntail, but still had his own methods with the conjunctivitis curse. It was a really nice mash up of AU and canon, so I thoroughly enjoyed the plot.
Your writing was also great in this. Neville sounded and felt like a teenage boy, which is hard to put across in a one shot. I liked his emotions as he waited; again, being somewhat like Harry's but still with his own personality showing through. The action bits were written really well, and overall, this was just a lovely one shot!
I did notice one typo: "I'm never gonna here the end of that." Here should be hear ;)
Great job incorporating the prompts as well - it felt natural and flowed wonderfully. Excellent work!
-NaidaAuthor's Response: Wow Naida, thanks so much for this awesome review and for reading through it in the first place.
Really glad you found it enjoyable as I'm not much for spur of the moment writing, I seem to pop out an occasional one-shot from it but most of my work is painstakingly planned out (seriously I have a whole section of my PC devoted to HPFF with lots of sections to keep everything neat and easy to find).
Huge thanks for noticing that typo, all fixed now and I think that brings the total number of things both me and my Beta missed to about 15 now. Don't you hate how you miss things when re-reading your own writing?
I'm really happy to hear it flowed so well, I though it felt jittering and choppy when writing it but it''s probably because I'm over critical of my own work.
Thanks for the response and just wanted to say i loved your entry as well. Plan to get to your other fics when the Cup leaves open some good free time.
TyrannicFeenix Report Review
Hey! I love that you did an entry for the house cup! Gryffies rock!
I like how you weren't afraid to make this story AU as many authors are because they do like canon very much! It was interesting that you made Neville the champion because in another world Neville could have been the chosen one!Author's Response: Was a pleasure to write, so helps me get us back in the race.
Thank you heaps for reviewing, always a boon to see people comment.
It was an idea I've never much considered in the past, but just lent itself nicely to the requirements of the Task. Liked it a lot so I might look into Neville the Boy Who Lived in a more detailed way further down the track. Report Review
I love that you have made Neville The Boy Who Lived! I like the AU feel of this, and that you have inserted some very well placed puns.
I love the intense pacing; I feel Neville's fear in this. I also am wondering why no one actually used the summoning spell to get the egg. I must be forgetting some kind of rule where they couldn't because now that it's in your story, it seems like it would have been the best decision!
Anyway, great entry, we have an awesome house!Author's Response: Thanks, I love doing AU because it gives me so much more freedom to write. Though I have got a few canon ideas I'm working on as well.
Yeah I've never heard any rule that says they can't in the books and it sort of worked, as brave as Neville is, he's not a great flier like Harry was and i couldn't see him willing walking under the feet of a pissed off dragon, so summoning the egg solved the problem. But in truth they probably thought of that and had enchanted it to not work at least unless you were close so you couldn't just walk into the arena and summon it to you, hence why he had to get closer.
Big thanks for the review, GO GRYFFINDOR!!! Report Review
YES GO GRYFFINDOR :D I don't know how you used all the prompts. I only managed to poke in 6 :( I must say, well done :) And you did this so fast :D Job well done.Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review, and taking time out to read my entry. But the six you got in there all felt like they belonged, I'm still a little unsure about mine, but that could just be my writer side being over critical like it usually is.
Yeah i don't know how but when i saw the prompts the idea just formed up in my head, seems I had free time I just got straight to writing. In the end the only one I felt I was forcing in was the Dragons Blood.
Was amazed it somehow ended up the first entry. But after reading all the other submissions, clearly not the best. Just glad I could do my little bit for the house. Can't wait to see the results of this Task with all the fantastic entries. Report Review
Lovely, lovely entry you got here! A very well handled AU and a very clever idea of a story to include all the prompts. I would have a few minor suggestions regarding some written parts of the story, if that's ok :)
First, "my nerves felt like they were going to snap they were so tightly stretched" – could turn into something like "my nerves felt like they were going to snap at any moment from how tightly stretched they were". Or if you'd wish, you can insert a full stop after "they were going to snap"
"in order finally get to sleep" could also turn into "in order to finally get some sleep". In my opinion that helps the story flow better.
"but I had no desire to spend any longer in this place". I think you meant to say something along the lines of "but I had no desire to spend any more time in this place/stay any longer"
Overall, I enjoyed your entry. The pace of the story is very alert which is one of the aspects I enjoyed most. Neville is also well developed. I particularly liked how you made him cling to the teachings and words Hermione gave him, thus helping him find his center.
Very well done!Author's Response: Ah thanks for that one on the sleep, hadn't noticed that and neither did my Beta, he's been adequately punished, lol. Every one of those is right on the money and has now been properly fixed, you're totally right, every one helps things flow better. Gotta watch out for that next time.
Thanks for the great review, it is a big help to get such honest comments back. All help me to improve for the next one.
I'm glad you enjoyed it, I enjoyed writing it more than i'd expected considering it was a speed writing challenge, most of my work is massively preplanned. Glad to see I can write on my toes when I need to.
I had to keep Hermione in character too, there's no way she'd of let Neville go in unprepared. She's the Gryffindor go to girl for smartness (such a great word don't you think). Report Review
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums, wandering around reviewing everyone's challenge entries.
Great job with this one! I think you handled the task very well! I don't often read AU, but I think this was wonderful. I've never really spent long imagining what it would have been like if Neville had been the Boy Who Lived. It was cool to look at that possibility. I think your descriptions in this were awesome. I loved how action-packed and exciting it was! And you worked so many prompts in so seamlessly! Great job! Also, your Neville-characterization was charming. He's still a bit shy and uncertain of himself and awkward, and I like that you didn't neglect that. But you still made him brave! Well done combining all of those traits. :] Again, you did well! Good luck to Gryffindor in the House Cup!
--EmilyAuthor's Response: Wow, thanks for the great review, always nice to get an outside perspective, coz inside is always a little warped and to be honest quite biased as well.
I loved your entry as well, was a great way to come at it.
I had never done something in that thread before but found it quite enjoyable, so might go back and make a full length story based on the idea. And maybe read some others too just to see how they come off.
Good luck to Ravenclaw as well, you're all doing so well already and from the entries I've seen for this Task you're in great shape for this part too. Report Review
Do I spot a pun? "Hold a candle to the Horntail." Ahahaha I think I spot a pun.
Anyway. Putting Neville up against a Horntail seems sort of amusing in and of itself, but you also gave him a good, energetic voice. I like that he wasn't too self-desparaging and just focused on the task at hand. And personally I like this intelligent Neville, though strangely he seems notably daft in places, but that's just what a person is, I suppose.
I'm interested in the fact that you've chosen to portray Neville as the Boy Who Lived; it certain accounts for his newer, more confident and humorous voice, but I'm unsure of whether or not he'd be reflecting on how Snape had docked him points. I understand the pressure of wanting to get the prompts in, though.
Also, this line: "Neville Longbottom, the Boy Who Lived. Not for much longer." Really good. Classic example of tasteful, smart humor. And Harry, oh dear :P
Some of this seemed a bit random--it may have been that the sentences were to-the-point and informational, so they didn't seem to all lend themselves to the order they came in. Normally I wouldn't point this out, because this can be a stylistic choice, and I'm not sure if it is here or not, just it made this a bit difficult to read at points.
Overall, this looks like a solid entry to me, and good job getting all those prompts in!!Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing, it's always a big boost to get responses.
A pun? Maybe.
Glad it came through well, thought with disjoining it it might have been a little off. And yes that was intentional, with us being in Neville's head, we're hearing hsi thoughts directly, that's why things are short and constantly shiting, trying to convey the terror he's feeling through that.
I imagine that Harry without the whole Voldemort thing hanging over him would be a lot like that, just like his father and Sirius, a bit mischevious and devious.
Again, big thanks for reading and reviewing. Every response helps me write better. And I had a look at your entry too, was really good, left you a review, nothing quite so detailed but still something. Good work. Report Review
Nice job on including all the prompts! You fit them in really well. I love that you wrote this in first person POV--it really helps see into Neville's mind. Also a nice job of making Neville the boy who lived but keeping his personality pretty intact! Awesome job and Go Gryffies!Author's Response: Thanks for the review, glad you think it all meshes nicely. I felt a few parts could do with some work. Might give it another look over later tonight. A bit fic'ed out after reading and reviewing all the submissions. And totally Gryffindor forever!!! Report Review
You sure did try to get as many prompts as you could into this story and for that I must congratulate you that. I wasn't even able to mention that many prompts in my story.
However, I have to admit that the beginning is a bit scattered. I personally don't think you need the Snape taking away points part. Instead you could have Neville try to recite as many uses of Dragons blood as a way to calm his nerves before facing the dragon.
Once you got into the scene with the dragon, everything was wonderful, the pace settled and the flow improved.
There are still quite a few grammar problems at the beginning with fragmented sentences but over all I think you did a great job. Good job fellow Gryffindor!Author's Response: Thanks for the review.
The Snape bit was my attempt to fit in the dragons blood at the last minute. I might remove it completely or redo as you suggest. Does seem out of place coz it really is.
I know it's quite fragmented, that was the idea, trying to show Nevilles thoughts as he waits. i know my mind can shift direction at the drop of a hat in tense situations (and in some completely normal ones) and i tried to capture that with the short, disjointed sentences.
I'll probably go back and look it over again after I finish reviewing all the other entries, just to be safe though. With all the great entries we have so far I think we're looking pretty good on this challenge. Report Review
I like how you fitted Neville into Harry's role in the tournament. It's interesting to think about, as he was the other baby the prophecy talked about, so one change in the past and everything would've been about Neville.
Have to admit, I snickered at the candle line. (And at 'go Neville you beast!' Great!)
I like your use of the dragon blood! I found that the hardest thing to work in. Good job :)
I'm really impressed with your narrative. You stay true to the Neville from canon, even though he's the Boy Who Lived here. And his nervousness was entertaining.
Del<3Author's Response: Thank you for the review. Wasn't too sure when posting as most of my fics aren't quick spur of the moment works, I usually work for months on each little detail before writing them up, so I was a little iffy on this.
I was almost gonna leave out the dragon blood but thought it might work in there so I gave it a whirl, worst that happens is people tell me it feels out of place.
Also glad the candle line worked, it felt too focused so i wanted to add a little humour to it as well.
Big thanks for reading and especially for reviewing too. Report Review
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