I have to say, your writing is really good. Your sentences flow together throughout the whole chapter. I love the bits of comedy! Found myself laughing at them! Love Nala's name by the way, just decided to drop that in. Please say your still gonna continue with this story. xoAuthor's Response: Hi there!!
Thank you so much!! It's really encouraging to know that my writing flows well, which really is the key to every story. I'm really glad you enjoyed the humour too!!
Aww, thanks!! That's really a huge compliment. I spent ages trying to come up with the perfect name so it's great that you like it :)
Yes!! I am going to continue it!! I have found a new inspiration for it, so expect a new chapter soon :)
Thank you for your lovely review anon :)
Long chapter but I love it! Your writing is very witty and there are some hilarious moments! I hope you update soon! Can't wait for the next chapter. :)Author's Response: Hi there!
Thank you so much!! It's nice to have a spontaneous review!! Thank you for your generous compliments, they made my day :) I'm dealing with a bit at the moment, so writing isn't really on the top of my list, but as soon as I can, I will be sure to update.
Thank you for such a lovely review :)
- Abhi Report Review
Abu, your first chapter of 'Beat for Me' is so awesome! It was very in-depth, descriptive and WITTY! Hahaha (you know I love a good laugh :P). Love the use of the word "git" ;)
I actually wasn't planning on reading all of it, but I just couldn't stop! So far it all seems great and I love the interesting characters and I seriously can't wait for the next chapters! Love that you kept all the 'Harry Potter references alive and I really think you have great potential to be a writer. :D
Author's Response: Padfoot!!
Thank you so much for reading it!! I wuv you ♥ Aww, thank you! I'm so so so so SO glad that you enjoyed it :)
I was actually thinking that you wouldn't read all of it, but you did! I didn't think it was that addicting, well then I better keep going with it :)
I will update soon, don't worry. You've inspired me to keep writing now! Aww shucks, that is such a lovely compliment, coming from you especially.
Thank you for such a lovely review. It means the world to me, and so do you.
PS - You're still a git no matter what.
Hey, great first chapter! It's so long, but trust me when I say I am NOT complaining! It's good that it's long. It's a great way to kick off what looks like is going to be a darn good story!
Since you took so much time and effort to review our story and gave us AMAZING advice, I feel I just HAVE to return the favour, and I will gladly do so! So I have a few questions and some constructive thoughts for you, just like you had for us. Please don't take them the wrong way, as I don't mean them in a rude manner at all!
1) Anala is her first name but everyone calls her Nala (IS THAT FROM LION KING? I LOVE LION KING! AND I'VE ALWAYS LOVED THAT NAME!), except for her brother, who calls her Mili. Why is that? Is there a back story there? And why does she call him Kit in return? There just seems to be a lot of variations of names going on here (Anala, Nala, Mili, Chris, Christo, Christopher, Kit). So if there IS a back story to all of it/any of it, it would be a good idea to include it where the whole naming thing FIRST occurs, because since this is the first chapter, readers may get confused as to who is who since it's their first time reading the story. I have to admit: I, myself, was momentarily confused a couple times. (I eventually figured it all out though!)
2) I really like how long this chapter is. Props for that! However, it might make reading easier if you put your sentences into whole paragraphs, rather than line after line. Of course line-after-line is great too, but in moderation, you know? Putting the story into whole paragraphs just makes the story flow better. Too much
narrator seem like.
her thoughts are everywhere. Also, it's good to put double spacing between your lines and paragraphs. It just makes everything easier to read and appeals to readers more.
3) I've noticed that when there is dialogue, you tend to put "blahblahblah", Author's Response: Hey!
THANK YOU for reading and reviewing it! Aww, thanks, i really am putting a lot of effort into it.
Dw, i won't take it the wrong way, i promise you that I am SO thankful for your advice.
Btw, we should be friends. Best friends. I'm liking you more and more. :)
Ok, yes. (IT IS FROM THE LION KING! I love Lion King as well! I've always loved that name too, and that's why i chose to include it in here.) You got the whole naming thing right. There is a backstory into it, but i chose to reveal it later in the story, as it is connected to a memory. But when I edit this chapter along with my beta (hopefully) i will make sure that it is less confusing to the reader. Her actual name is Anala Mili Duboir if that makes it any clearer.
About the whole paragraph thing, I have a problem with that. I will also make sure to fix that when I edit it as well. Its a horrible habit that I should NOT do.
I'm not quite sure if you finished your last point but thank you for your LOVELY review. It means a lot, and i hope that you continue to follow my story!! Report Review
Hey Abhi! I'm here! I'm here! Thanks for your patience with me while my life settled down a touch.
I really think you have a great start here for a novel. You clearly know your characters well and know exactly what you want from them. They're a really dynamic mix of personalities, which I definitely found amusing!
I did notice a few quick fixes, though. If you could, I would suggest having a beta look through it for things like having the commas inside of quotation marks and you switched between past and present tense rather frequently. The spacing was also a little strange, so I would fix that so that there is a definitive space between each paragraph. If you still want the bigger spaces, you could always use a *.
A lot of characters were introduced in this first chapter, so I'd also suggest scaling it back in the next one and really focusing on your girl and maybe a couple other people. Just get in some back story and not quite as much crazy dialogue, as much fun as it was to read!
OH my favorite quote:
“Fred! You ruin all the fun!”, I whined still laughing, clutching my stomach.
“Darling, I am the fun.”, he suggestively said, before winking.
I burst out laughing!
Other minor fixables: If you have a ? you don't need a comma afterward in dialogue. Same with a period. Keep all punctuation inside of those quotation marks. Also watch your use of words like you're and your. Also, I would keep it to just one ? or ! I think more is overkill and not needed, as I already know they are shouting. I think you can get away with the occasional ?! though. I know I do on a frequent basis ;)
Of course you know I am a total sucker for one-liners. Loved this exchange:
So cute. I love the little snippets. I also love how much energy you put into this story. It really seems like you were excited and happy to write it and I can completely tell. A lot of times a reader can sense when a writer just isn't into it anymore and that is definitely not the case with this story!
Definitely let me know when the next chapter is up and if you'd like me to throw a chapter image your way. I would definitely be delighted! This is a wonderful start and I know it's going to be a great story that you will love! Thank you for writing it!Author's Response: Hey Jancie!
THANK you for reviewing, it really made me smile.
Im pretty bad at grammar and punctuation, so yes, i will get someone to look over that. As soon as I put it in the queue i realised that i may have introduced TOO many characters, and that TOO much was happening, but yes, I will scale it down next chapter and focus on just a few people.
I knew you would like that bit! For some reason I thought of Fred from BTQC when I wrote it.
About the tense changes, I do have a problem with that. Will try to fix it, its horrible and something I'm working on.
Thank you so much for your review, I will definitely take on ALL of your advice and apply it next chapter. This feels weird because usually its me writing a review for you, and you replying.
The banner for the story IS coming! And I would LOVE it if you could do a chapter image for the next chapter. Ill let you know when.
Again, thank you for your lovely review, it really made my day. I hope you continue to follow my story! It would mean a lot.
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