Hello! Lucky from the forums here, with a shiny new review sandwich-with extra criticism sauce! :D Lets do this thing!
Title: 10/10 Short, sweet, and to the point.
Summary: 7/10 Hmmm. It sounds kinda sketchy. Some people might avoid it because they could assume that something skeezy may happen. We'll see once I read. ;)
Graphics: 6/10...Just my opinion. I'm not sure if it's on purpose, but it seems kinda stretched looking? I'm not sure. Feel free to roll your eyes. It's just my opinion.
Well, I think that there were some weird spacing issues and that you could certainly use a beta to solve those problems. :) Also, there is a minimal amount of description that makes it really difficult to tell where your characters are and what they are doing. One second, I think they are outside, yet the next, they are in the living room. Its hard for me to tell. I think that if you include description of the surroundings as well as dialogue and internal thoughts, you will fare better. Also, the characters seem very immature, here. I think that was your goal, but in my opinion, you took it too far. They are adults in the middle of a war, not preteens who just finished a sugar eating contest.
You had a sweet moment near the end with James and Lily. I think you should take the idea of him listening to her thoughts, and expand that more. It's an interesting idea and could use more fleshing out and attention than the rest of what you have here.
Thank you for requesting! Feel free to come back any time. :D
LuckyAuthor's Response: The title just came out from the story while I was writing it :D So all credit to the story ;) I know I'm not good at summaries. Have to redo that. thanks for pointing it out. I didn't make the banner so :)
The spacing issue! I know right. I've been trying to get that right and now I know what to do. :D AS soon as my edited story is updated I'll update this with all the corrections ;)
Sugar eating contest. Good one hehe. Yeah I know. I need to redo that as well. And the description. Usually I'm a very descriptive person and this was my first ever dialogue-mostly story. Didn't go that well did it? Alright back to old techniques :D
I'll request as soon as I'm done with all the editing. I'll add more descriptions like my usual self :D
Thank you for the helpful and constructive review Lucky.
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This is so cute! I just melted completely by the end, because your progression was just wonderful and you showed Lily, James and Sirius as a unit so perfectly before developing it all.
I loved your characterisation of Lily! She was strong and loving but still exasperated even in her annoyance. Her interactions with the other two seemed very real and relatable, and I loved how you showed the two sides of Lily's emotions side-by-side in a lovely contrast.
James and Sirius were just perfect, too! They were both silly and you wrote their ease with each other perfectly, but you still showed how it was James that was being nicer and was more on Lily's side, as the husband who loved her. It just made all three relate so well to each other, and I loved it!
It was really clever how you started fading in the legilimency, because at first I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary when Sirius responded to her thoughts, but as Lily came to realise, I backtracked and realised what was going on! Then when they wouldn't stop it, I empathised with Lily so much.
James and Lily's cute couple bit at the end was just fabulously fluffy and lovely; I adored how you showed Lily being swayed to James' side, and how they were so perfect together. It just made me awww so much!
Lovely, lovely job; I hope you write more Lily/James soon!
~TGK (Ravenclaw)Author's Response: I hope you noticed that that was their last night ever. They died the next day Lottie. Waaahaaa *roll on the floor crying out loud* Why did they have to die? *sob*
I enjoy writing Marauders so much. Sirius *swoon* He's the love of my life. Also, my favourite ship is James/Lily so I love writing these three. This was an idea that suddenly came into my head. I love writing in Lily's POV but yeah I have to try James too.
I'm so glad you love my characterization. I pet Sirius too much and people are complaining. Hehe can't help it. I love him. But I'm trying to fan it down a bit.
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. You reviews made my day Lottie :D
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Ha! I love this, sirius is so great!
You've written them all so perfectly, especially Sirius. I can totally imagine this happening in their household and I love how Harry is following in Sirius footsteps (especially since Lilly says he is taking after his brother) :P
This is a great piece, I'm going to add it to my favourites so I can keep re-reading it! :DAuthor's Response: Awww thanks Shaza. I got complaints of petting Sirius too much but... But but.. He's the love of my life *Swoon* So not possible :P I love him too. Awww thanks :D I'll be editing it a bit, hope you like that version too ;)
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(Pass the Parcel review)
hello! This was a cute little one shot. I was a little confused at what's happening at first but then I got the hang of it. I loved Lily, James and Sirius' characterizations. Lily was so funny. I quite liked reading this piece, and it brought a smile to my face. The last line was like a bombshell though, I mean it was just one little line but it said so much, expressed so much. A sort of intense ending to such a cute fluffy one shot. A really nice piece of writing. You could fix some spacing issues though :)
Good job! 9/10
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Ahh the formatting! I know I'm learning :D
Oooo you got the last line? I was worried that I didn't make sense because everyone asked me "What's the point of adding that line" So yeah was dead worried. I'n glad you understood it.
I love these three. Sirius is my favourite. I pet him too much but hey! The love of my life so I can do that :P Hehe
thank you for the lovely review Ad.
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This is very sweet! James' and Lily's banter is very funny and cute. I really liked Lily's POV, it was definitely IC! One question I had--why does it matter if its October 21st? Great job!Author's Response: That was the day they were murdered. I know, a lot of people didn't get that. Maybe I should add a bit more of a hint there. Hehe I'm so glad you loved the banter. I love these kind of stuff. :)
Thank you for the review :)
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Hey!! Happy pass the parcel review!
I think this was an interesting one shot -- portraying the relationship between James and Lily and their third wheel. I know so many couples like that in real life, that end up more or less babysitting one of their friends. I do think that your characterization of Sirius felt a bit too young for him... I know you wanted him to appear immature and what not, but there is a difference between immaturity and being a child. Everything was still really amusing, though... so it's just something to think about for future writings. Also, I'd suggest using a few more dialogue tags or descriptions than you do here... I love that everything snapped together quickly, but it was a bit confusing as to who was saying what to whom. Also, a few descriptors after the speech will help to fill out the scenery and make this scene more real in setting.
All in all, good little one shot! Keep up the good work.
Ravenclaw 2012Author's Response: I know I'm working on the dialogues. This story is under construction. I'm doing some serious editing. I've been having this confusing people problem but now I'm getting over it bit by bit. :)
Thank you for the lovely review Melissa. I know I babysit the love of my life, Sirius. Too much I guess. I'll get that sorted out :)
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Awh, I loved this! When I first started reading I was wondering who the little kid was...then it was Sirius! Haha I laughed so much! This story was really cute and funny and I could see this happening in a canon book written by JKR. This was adorable. I'm glad I read it. (:Author's Response: Awww really? I was told that I pet Sirius too much which I do because I love him to death!!! *Swoons* Hehehe thanks for reading and reviewing Snape :D Haha the irony :P Sorry. Thanks a million for the review :) And I'm glad you liked it. Report Review
This was good, I enjoyed it, well done love :)Author's Response: Thanks Zyiii :D Didn't know you liked Lily/James :P But thanks for the review :) Report Review
Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)
Alright, so you asked about flow and Grammar in your request, so those are the things I'm going to talk about those together. This moved very quickly, and for me it was difficult to follow because it was mostly dialogue, with not too many descriptions. Being first person Lily, I would have liked to see you expand on her feelings through this. It would help slow things down if you add some "I said, Sirius said" (obviously varied besides the word 'said') into the banter so the reader could tell who was talking. As far as the Grammar part the one thing I noticed was the severe lack of punctuation in your dialogue. Make sure you're closing off your sentences with a period or a comma in the quotation marks. Otherwise, there's a section on the forums for Quick Betas, you could have someone take a look at cleaning those things up.
I guess the one thing that confused me about the plot was the fact that Sirius was calling Lily 'mommy' through the story. Repeating what I said above if you added some more of her inner thoughts in here and maybe explained why Sirius was calling her 'mom' instead of Lily or Evans, (or Potter :p) I think that would clear things up. Other than that, I suppose the big thing is the why factor? I really didn’t get an idea for what exactly was going on, other than this being 'just another day at the Potter's' so I guess more explanations along that line as well.
Just something I want to mention about formatting, and I suppose this even goes with the same 'more details' line, but you capitalized a lot of things that people were yelling. I understand that it calls to the reader's attention when things are in caps that the character is yelling, but it was kind of distracting after a while because it was so frequent. Maybe instead of having so much capitalized, you could say "Lily shouted; James shouted, Sirius shouted" or any synonym of those words. Just a suggestion, of course! :)
Interest- I definitely am interested in this! Aside from the things I pointed out I am interested to see why and how James knew Legilimency (you have it spelled legimence, just so you know it's spelled with a 'y') You mentioned this was going to be a series? I am interested to see how that will play out to his advantage bringing them closer to their deaths.
I hope this was helpful, and please don't let the things I pointed out discourage you. This has a lot of potential to be a very entertaining one-shot/ one-shot series so just think about the things I pointed out. Keep up the great work!
-JulieAuthor's Response: The dialogue complication is a constant complaint I've got and I'm working on it. Thanks to all you wonderful reviewers I'm trying to do my best each time. I don't know how my next one will come but I reminded myself to add more description and who-says-to-whom so I guess it's better than this. Thanks a lot love, for taking your time to give me such a descriptive review :) I really really appreciate it :) Report Review
Emesias here with your requested review!
The only grammatical mistake that i saw here was in the beginning:
“You accidently flushed you brain down the toilet?”
"you" is supposed to be "your" ^_^ I think this is was only one that I spotted throughout the chapter. Good job on that one!
Flow: I got confused somewhere towards the end because i lost track of who was saying what... the fluidity of the story was there but it could have been a whole lot better if there was a little more description on the setting, how the characters looked physically and who was saying who.
Characterization: I love how the best friend relationship between James and Sirius was highlighted through this story. I know that Sirius wouldn't be 'that' childish, your chapter showed that no matter how Sirius is, James will always be there for him. Also, I like how James and Lily's relationship was highlighted in the end. When they first started out as acquaintances, Lily didn't like him for his arrogance and became hesitant to show him her true feelings, that same concept was reflected here. So good job for that!
Overall, I love it! I love how the characters are, i love the plot, maybe just add a teeny-tiny bit more description to it and it'll be even better! Good job!
Happy Writing! 9/10Author's Response: Ahhh. I really didn't see that flaw. thanks love. :) Yeah I know, I overdid Sirius a bit but I love him so I pet him too much :D Sorry. That' a major mistake I know. Thank you so much for the lovely review Em. Much appreciated :) Report Review
Really cute. I love James and Sirius! They are so hilarious! LOLAuthor's Response: Hey I replied to this but my reply has not been posted!! hehe thanks love. I was a bit nervous when I saw your comment on my status, because you know, you're a major Lily/James author and all :D Hehe I was afraid of overdoing the fluffy part but I guess it was alright :D Thanks a million for the review it means so much :) Report Review
Aw this was so cute, I love the banter, and all the ideas you had with this, this was really cute. I thought the way you wrote James and Lily was just perfect.
Great job :)
LizzieAuthor's Response: I really didn't expect such a swift review you know. I just opened this to get the link for a banner and BAM!!! Thanks Lizzie! I was scared that I might have over done the fluffy part but I guess it's alright :) Thanks a million :) Report Review
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