Reading Reviews for Sectumsempra
  
6 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Jchrissy Sectumsempra

4th September 2012:
Ooh I've never read a Draco Harry before!

Okay, you want mainly focus on characterization. Draco is one of my favorites to write. I think you really captured his sense of absolute hopelessness, combined with his family name to live up to, and of course fear.. very well here. Although I really think you could have expanded on pride. Even if Draco does turn into a better person at some point, even if he's acting on orders that he wants nothing to do with, he's always still remained a very proud character. The best way to keep that personality trait alive in this, I think, would be to demonstrate a serious amount of anger when he notices Harry there. You did an amazing job slipping in the bit of desire Draco had just to earn Harry's approval, but I would seem him getting really mad when Harry first walked in and not being able to work through his thoughts quiet as logically as he did.

I think, above all, Harry always cares. So his concern for Draco in this feels very genuine to me. I also really liked the way you focused on both how much Draco did want to kiss Harry and how much he still enraged him. He doesn't go gooey or mushy, and the second before he instigates the kiss half of him wanted to tear Harry apart.

I was kind of confused as to what happened at the end, I mean I know Harry cast the curse, but how they got there. I like that you had everything kind of go blurry and black because it is from Draco's PoV, and you really tied in the Canon events well. I was still curious about why Harry cast the curse. Because he was nervous and didn't know what else to do? Because it was the first thing he thought of?

All in all I think this is a powerful piece! You use a lot of great detail to bring the bathroom alive, something about the dripping water had me absolutely mesmerized! You really stepped into a difficult area with this, because bringing two people together that have as strong willed and long lived grudges as these two do, really don't pose an easy task. I think you did it naturally and beautifully, and was very impressed by the you tied in the canon events we know but opened up something completely different.

I hope this was a helpful review!

Thanks for requesting!
Jami

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Review #2, by Roots in Water Sectumsempra

2nd September 2012:
It's Roots in Water here with your review!

To start with, I liked how you fit this moment into canon. It's definitely a possibility, especially with the way you had them black out and forget everything in the end.

As well, the moment occurred at a time of deep despair and desperation for Draco, which made their sudden romantic collision that much more believable. They were both in an emotional state that would permit them to do things that they wouldn't normally do.

However, I do think that you could have expanded slightly on the ending of the story. You definitely don't have to go into too much detail about what happened, since neither of them are supposed to remember what happened, but you could give hints to help the reader believe that something did happen. Perhaps Harry heard a sound right before the room began to spin, perhaps he felt a presence in his mind...

Your descriptions fit in nicely with your characterizations. Draco, who was very much concerned about his appearance, described things in a very visual manner and when faced with Potter still tried to gather himself up. And Draco's appearance in this story was so far off from how he usually looks that of course Harry would pause when he saw him.

However I do think that you could include a little bit more of Draco's thoughts. You did mention that he was scared of what his parents would think if they knew what he thought, which is great, but I think that you could expand on this. A huge part of Draco's life revolves around his family and his pride of his ancestry and I think that now, with his life in tatters, he would be focusing on their opinion of him.

The last sentence of this story was very well done because not only does it tie the story back into the canon we all know and love but it also cements Harry's characterization. He's never before been grateful to see him and, at that moment, probably thought that he never would be grateful to see him again.

I did notice a few small things as I was reading and I'll quickly point them out. To begin, with the phrases "they existed. Hidden away down" I would combine into one sentence so that it looks something like this: "they existed, for they were hidden...". As well, with "The perfect place" I would add "they were" before it and with "Tears continuing to" it should be "continued" instead so that you don't have a fragmented sentence. With "To his worst fears, Potter stepped out of the shadow of the doorframe, confused expression on his face." "to his worst fears" sounds like it's missing something and I think that you're missing the "a" before "confused". Finally, with "towards the boy. As if he’d rather have" I would combine them into one sentence.

All in all I think that you've done a good job with creating a realistic situation in which this relationship could occur and your physical desription is great! Thanks for requesting a review and I hope that my comments are helpful!

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Review #3, by EverDiggory Sectumsempra

2nd September 2012:
I'm here! Sorry for the wait love(:

I won't even lie to you, slash isn't my skill, but I love reading it.

Characterization: I think they're both pretty in character. Harry seemed off at first, but then the harder I thought about it I guess his caring yet slightly cautious, I don't have a better word for it, attitude was really in character! Draco was too. You could tell he had guards up when he took a stab about how Harry only worried abour his own problems. The only thing I think is that Draco would be a bit...frenzied I guess, after their kiss. He kissed what everyone thought was his enemy. He kissed the man that was being hunt down to Draco's lord/master/wahetever. That would definitely have an effect on Draco. I think Harry would be a little 'what just happened?' ish. If that makes sense? Harry doesn't like Draco too much so I think he'd be a bit taken back. I don't think they'd kiss and just casually go back to what's wrong with Draco. I loved Draco, I think you had him spot on! I loved how he thought Harry's glasses were so god-damned ugly. I thought it was hilarious.

Flow: This was fine! There were no jumps or anything(:

Spelling/Grammar: I'm certainly no wiz at spotting this stuff, usually because I get so caught up in the story, but as I look back over it I see a few errors:

“Please tell me what is wrong, Draco. I want to help.” Harry muttered, the sight of Draco Malfoy in such a state bringing tears to his eyes.

In the sentence above, the period really should be a comma. That goes for all other sentences that are like this. If you aren't very good at stuff, you can get a beta over at the forums. They're basically a second set of eyes to help you with grammar, spelling and lots of other stuff!

Imagery: There was just the right amount, in my opinion. I really pictured the bathroom quite clearly and your descriptions of both boys was wonderfully. Even in the short part where Snape was mentioned had descriptions about him! That was really great, I think you did a wonderful job at this!

I enjoyed reading this a lot! Please do rerequest when you update!

xx

Ever

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Review #4, by AlAndAl Sectumsempra

31st August 2012:
So this is a first for me! I have never read a Drarry story, so this a new experience. Slash with canon characters has never been one of my Favourite things to read, just because it's so hard to believe they'd be in a situation like that. But you were very descripted and you did a good job portraying the emotion in the room.
I also enjoyed how in the end you tied it to the scene in HBP! Adding the canon moment in a non-canon situation helped with the story lots! It was a good move by you, definitely!
This story was very interesting and I can't say that I'll go seeking more Drarry to read, but you did make that scene very believable and for being a canon slash, I did enjoy reading it!
Very good job!
-Allie

Author's Response: Thanks muchly for reviewing! I'm not a Drarry fan either, so this was quite the challenge for me, but I wrote it for a friend. I purposefully do try to tie in cannon ideas when writing a non-cannon pairing (though, when it comes to slash I usually just stick with Grindeldore.)

It's great though to hear that it worked, even for someone who is not a fan of Drarry :)


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Review #5, by megthechef43 Sectumsempra

31st August 2012:
Ayume Matsumoto,

This is an interesting take on Drarry. I think it is quite interesting to read.

You asked me to look at characterization of both Draco and Harry. So, I'll start with Draco. I think you were very close with Draco's characterization. I could see him being full of pride in his looks and the scene with Draco washing out his hair because it was sticking out was very believable. I also liked the train of thought that Draco had during the kiss. I could see him wondering about all these things. But, did Draco even enjoy the kiss? I know he regreted it afterwards but did he like it while it happened??

I think the characterization of Harry in you story was good but could use a little help. I think Harry would have been a bit more relectant to run to Draco's side. With Harry he always has inner turmoil of every decision that he ever makes. I think in the end he would had gone to Draco's side but it would have taken a few more seconds before he would have.

I liked the imagery of Snape's enterance. I liked your take on this meeting in the bathroom.

Megthechef43 aka Meg

Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing! ^^ Especially your ideas on Harry. I find him a hard character to write, hence this being the first time for me to have used him. Again, many thanks :)

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Review #6, by Serendipitous_love Sectumsempra

28th August 2012:
I have no clue what to think. O:
Firstly, this is so well written. Your wording, punctuation and everything was perfect in my opinion. I could just imagine it all. Something that doesn't happen too often, not even with a published book!
What happened was the main part I considered. The kiss was a bit difficult- I couldn't help but wonder /if/ that would happen but then again, I'm not a major Drarry fan so that might be an influence- but it did seem to work in a strange, shocking but well written way. (That will probably only make sense to me but there you go.)
The last part too. Well done! You left me confused! It made it more possible- like that happened, they forgot and then went back to their normal lives. It gave me, the reader, something to think about- what happened? Who did it? All questions I get to consider!
Great work. It siriusly is so well written. (:

Author's Response: Thank you so so so much for reviewing!! So happy that you enjoyed it. I'm not a Drarry fan myself (I wrote this for a friend and as a challenge to myself) so really great to hear that it sounds sort of realistic ^^


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