aaw I like this story! it took me a long time to read this update, but I enjoyed it very much. I really like the personalities of the characters and I love Fred and Katie's friendship. :)
please update soon! :) Report Review
Love it! Can't wait until Albus and Katie interact more :) keep writing!!!Author's Response: Thank you! There will definitely be some more Albus/Katie ;)
Del<3 Report Review
Hello! It's wickedana fom HPFFF!
Really great start to the story. I think that starting a story at the beginning of a school year or end of summer is a good setting to start with. It's a good starting point because anything can possibly happen. In your story, Katie has unfortunately lost her dad which is going to take her on a journey on deciding her feelings and being open to others. An interesting character development is definitely going to take place especially since shes in her fifth year and that's really the year when your almost an adult.
I thought it was really cool when you added the threstals and how she was shocked by it. I feel like it was a reality check or like a jolt that this is real. That sometime that has affected her, really happened. I have a suggestion for that point!! You should have Katie have a convo. with Prof. Long bottom, since he himself can see them. That would be interesting to see!
By the way, thats really great that you're taking so much initiative with your writing, especially that your going to take the criticism and make your stories stronger. I really proves to me that you care and that you want to develop your own skills, and thats impressive in my book. Other than that happy writing!
Oh and P.S I'm totally rooting for Katie/Fred ;)Author's Response: Hey, thank you for coming over and reviewing! I really appreciate it :)
The ride to Hogwarts is a common starting place for a reason; anything can happen. Katie's loss is really going to shape how fifth year plays out for her, and how she changes as a person. And, you're right, fifth year is when they become adults.
That's an interesting point! I'd imagine that most of the staff would be able to see them, but Neville especially. I'll keep that in mind :)
Aww, thank you, that's so sweet. These reviews mean so much to me; it's so encouraging to get critique and see just what's working for readers and what's not. Thank you!
And, you're not the first person to mention Katie/Fred. Honestly, I didn't plan that, but...
Del<3 Report Review
Hello, darling! I'm so sorry this has taken me forever to get to, I was out of town with only my iphone to connect me to the world of internet! Anyway, I'm here now!
I think this was a really good first chapter, I won't comment much on the plot just because with only this chapter there really isn't anything to comment on. I think you are doing a very good job with your grammar, I noticed a few tense changes to watch out for that, but considering you are the only one editing, it's great!
Your descriptions are also very good so far, you seem to have the same problem as me though and once you set the scene, you begin to get a little lax on descriptions. It's so easy to do, I would suggest just reading through another time with the sole purpose of adding in descriptions, I have to do it with everything I write to avoid missing out on a few great parts where a lot more detail could be added.
You have made me very curious to find more out about your OCs! I also am excited to learn more about Katie's dad, so the fact that you've set us up with a few unanswered questions in this first chapter definitely helps bring readers in and wanting to read the second!
You also do a good job of using other modifiers for 'said.' I get really grumpy when read, she said, he said, they said, over and over, so I love that you have incorporated different ways of getting you point across.
I think you chose a very safe and interesting way to start your chapter. Starting on the express is a classic for a reason. It lets you introduce your characters, their friendships, and all in all is just a very good place to set a first chapter.
I really don't have much CC for this chapter other than descriptions and tenses! I think this all flowed nicely, it was smooth and stayed at a good pace, and it made me want to read a second chapter!
I hope I can be of more help to you in the future! Thank you for requesting!
JamiAuthor's Response: Hey Jami! Thank you for taking the time to review :)
I'll take another look at the tenses when editing. The descriptions as well. I'll admit, I'm normally so happy when I finish a chapter that I don't really take much time to go through and recheck things. The queue closure has given me plenty of time to do so with the next chapters though :)
I'm glad you like my OCs! One thing I always worry about is making the OCs fit into the HP world and have them be interesting.
I get grumpy reading 'said' over and over, too!
Thank you so much for reviewing! I really appreciate it. I'll be sure to add more descriptions to this chapter, and the others :)
Del<3 Report Review
Hi Deltaris! I'm here with your requested review :)
Okay, so first thing I love your title with the play on words with 'Beater' and Beating the odds because she's a beater. I thought it was creative :)
You asked about grammar stuff and I did notice a few spots where you were switching between past and present; so just make sure to pick one and stick with it. Not too major, but I'd keep an eye on that.
I am interested to see how you plan on using each of these characters. You MUST know how excited I am that she's a Hufflepuff! There just aren't enough Hufflepuff OCs! Since I have this (completely legitimate) love for Fred II and I've never seen him sorted into Hufflepuff, that kind of made me way too happy, and I'm super curious to see how that will affect his characterization.
I'm guessing that you will get into this in future chapters, but I would like to know a little more about her dad/home life situation. I'm guessing because she can see the Thestrals he may have died in front of her? Was this the first time she could see them? (Because she stopped so abruptly when she saw them) Maybe just things like that to add to that aspect of her life.
I did get a good idea for her personality here, but I would like to see how you plan on expanding her more, as well as those of Lynn and Anna (though the pinecone jokes made me laugh a lot :D ). Work on incorporating that into her inner monologue and work on showing how each one of her friends has their own personalities. I hope that makes sense!
[ignoring the Albus part of the summery for a second,] I'm kind of cheering for Katie/Fred, maybe just because of my favoritism over him but I thought the chocolate part was really cute. They didn't really argue too much and he was sweet to bring her stuff to make her feel better :)
I heard that Headmistress McGonagall is finally retiring - This is just something nit-picky but you should change this to 'Professor McGonagall' - we never called Dumbledore 'Headmaster Dumbledore' it was always just Professor Dumbledore, so it's just a consistency thing with the book.
Your sorting song was awesome. Just amazing.
I didn't get much of the plot here, but as this was the first chapter and the introduction to Katie and the other characters that's completely understandable. I am really interested to see what you plan on doing with this so do re-request when you get the next chapter posted! This was a fabulous start and I can't wait to read more!
-JulieAuthor's Response: Hi Julie! Thank you for taking the time to review :)
I'll keep check on the tense in the future chapters, thank you for pointing that out.
WOO HUFFLEPUFF. I've been wanting to write a Hufflepuff story for quite some time, so what better than a next gen? I've never seen Fred II as a Hufflepuff either, but I also have a love for him that I couldn't resist. We have to keep him for ourselves ;)
The situation with her dad will be revealed in the next few chapters. I thought it wise to withhold a few pieces of information, as Katie herself isn't really ready to face them herself.
That does make sense! I'll work on that, thank you :)
Honestly, now that I've written her and Fred's friendship, I'm cheering a little for them as well. But I know I want her with Albus - at least for a bit. Who knows? We'll see ;)
Ah, I don't think I ever noticed that little fact. I'll be sure to fix it.
Thank you so much for taking the time to review! I really appreciate your input :)
Del<3 Report Review
Em here with your requested review ^_^
There were only one or two words missing on area, but other than that I didn't see any other grammatical errors.
This is a pretty good start. I didn't spot any plot holes and it all seems to be flowing well. The characters are well written in and seem similar to how I pictured them to be. I can't wait to see how the plot and characters develop in your future chapters. Good Job!!!
Happy Writing!!! 9/10Author's Response: Hey Em! Thanks for taking the time to review :)
I'm glad the characters are likeable! Thank you!
Del<3 Report Review
Hello! You posted in my review thread, so here I am!
Okay, first of all you said you were worried about how the overall story reads and if it is worth continuing. Well, I think you have a good start here. I've seen several fics, especially NextGen stories that start out at the beginning of the year and start with the very first day and all that good stuff. I think that alone keeps people reading because they want to know what is going to happen the rest of the year. You have a very good start here, and yes, I think it would be worth continuing.
For character development, I liked how you described the relationship with her mother. It was very cute and hilarious how she mentioned her mother forcing her to repack everything a few times. It reminds us all of how mothers can be that enduring at times. I thought you mentioned their relationship really well.
I know that in this you mentioned her father had died, but I'm curious as to how he died. Perhaps I missed it, and maybe you are going to mention it in a later chapter. I think that is definitely something you will want to touch on, although I'm sure you have that planned. Just wanted to say something just in case.
I also like your Katie character. The way she doesn't let all the joking get to her is very hilarious. It's almost as if she just accepts it and takes it in strides. You also mentioned she's a Hufflepuff, but I'm a bit confused as to what houses the other characters are in. You mention Fred and them sitting at the same table, so I'm assuming they are all Hufflepuff, but perhaps I am wrong. If that's not the case, you might want to clear that up. Then again, I may have missed it. Sometimes I miss those little details.
Fred - I think you did him justice in this. He was mischievous, yet also a bit humble. I think he would be quite like George in this, perhaps a prankster, but the type to also be a bit shy at times. I thought it was cute he gave Katie the chocolates, but I cracked up when he mentioned that part about him being the Captain and all. Haha.
A couple of details I really enjoyed had to be the pine cones. However, pine cones should be two words, not one, at least according to my google chrome here that has spell check built in. If someone did that to me, I would be rather furious. I love the way you portrayed James in that scene.
The other detail I really enjoyed, even though it was so minor that most people wouldn't probably notice, is how you mentioned Neville being nervous every year he does the introduction. I felt that was very true to his character and the shyness he had in the HP books. Good touch there.
Last but not least, I have to give you props for creating that poem, or I'm assuming you did, for the Sorting Hat. Poetry can be hard, especially when you're trying to tie it into something so specific. Kudos to you for that! It's creativity like that that truly makes fanfics unique, so just remember that.
Overall, I think this was a very good start. Perhaps just be a bit more descriptive with some of the other characters. What do they look like? What house are they in, that sort of thing. As for grammar and spelling, I think I only noticed one word in the entire thing, so big whoop right? Haha.
Thank you for requesting a review from me, and I hope this is helpful. Feel free to request me again when you have another chapter up. :D
-Sara-Author's Response: Ah, thank you so much for this! I really appreciate you taking the time to come over and review :)
That's exactly how I wanted Katie and her mum to come across! I'm glad that worked for you :) And, yes, her father's death will be revealed in time. It's something that Katie, herself, is unwilling to deal with (as it only just happened that summer) so I felt it fitting to keep several details withheld for the time being. In the third chapter I reveal what happened :)
I can see how the houses would be confusing. I mentioned Fred as her Captain, and Anna and Lynn as her roommates - which I just assumed would make everyone realize they're also in Hufflepuff. I'll make that more clear once the queue opens again.
Oh, Fred. I absolutely adore the possibilities of his character. With him being a Weasley, the son of George, AND the son of Angelina, it can be quite difficult to pinpoint just what he would be like. I'm glad you liked him, and thought he was like George :)
Darn pine cones. I've always written it as one word, as do many of the people I know (it's a regional thing...), and my Office didn't register that as incorrect. I shall fix that when the queue opens as well!
Neville! I adore him so much, I couldn't help myself with that little tidbit. Honestly, I didn't think anyone would pick up on it; it's such a minor detail. Thank you!
Yes, I did write the Sorting Hat's song. It was such an important part of the HP series (when Harry attended the opening feast ;D) that I couldn't NOT have it. It was difficult, to say the least. Rhyming HP is harder than it looks! Thank you :D
I will take your points on description to note. It's easy to just get carried away and forget that no one else can see what's in my mind lol.
Thank you so, so much for reviewing! Again, I really do appreciate it :)
(ps; you are my 50th review! :D) Report Review
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