What an interesting chapter you have here! I was especially interested in it when I saw that Percy was in the title, because I have a secret little soft spot for him. Well, maybe not so secret:)
I think this was a really great start, and your grammar and spelling is generally quite good. You have already begun to develop Rose's character which is great, and I'd like to find out more about her being in Ravenclaw unlike the rest of her family.
Courtney:) Report Review
I'm so sorry I'm late for reviewing your entry for the Percy Weasley Challenge. I liked this story - it definitely showed Percy in a good light. I'm interested to see what happens when Rose returns to school and what really happened with her friend Heather?
It's sad about Ron and Hermione. But I think you portrayed Ron's characteristics really well.
Mystique. Report Review
I love the chapter. honestly It was great you would be really happy with it. I would be if I could right like that. Report Review
Nice second chapter! I feel that you really capture the drama and emotions that everyone is feeling through dialogue and descriptions. I feel that the bold font is distracting and unnecessary, since you wrote it so well without it. The exclamation points and the intensity of the things they're saying do plenty to show the emotions. Have you ever read a book with bold font used in blocks like that to portray anger? It makes it harder to read what you've written.
I feel really bad for Rose. Both Ron and Hermione are acting really badly now. Ron is the worst, but Hermione should know that making her children choose between parents is really the worse thing she can do. I hope her parents realize how irrational and self-centered they are being.
It may seem like a minor issue, but I feel like your commas could use some work. Learning about where to put commas is very important to improve the flow of the story. There are a lot of sites online you could probably find to explain these sorts of things better than I can.
Here's just a few rules I'm going to write out because I have time.
-If you have a phrase with a subject and a verb, it is an independent phrase. It could be a sentence on its own. Like: Rose (subject) loved (verb) the taste of cake.
-If you combine two independent phrases with a conjunction (but, and, yet, etc), you must use a comma. Like: Rose loved the taste of cake, and she savored every bit of it.
-If you have no subject in your sentence or the sentence cannot stand alone, it is a dependent phrase. If it were to stand alone it would be a sentence fragment (eg. Savored every bit of it.).
-If you combine a dependent and independent phrase, you don't use a comma. Like: Rose loved the taste of cake and savored every bit of it.
There are a lot more rules, some of them more/less complicated than that.
Rose seems very, well, perfect in this story, doesn't she? She has perfect OWLs, she's very mature and well-spoken, she is a house perfect, she's Quidditch captain, and on top of all that, she has to deal with a dysfunctional family. I wonder, though, if the story wouldn't be more compelling if she had some more personality flaws or room for improvement. Those sorts of things can make a character interesting. For example, people love Luna's character, even though she's sort of, well, crazy.
The plot of this story is very dramatic and compelling, though, and I am curious to see what happens next. I hope you update soon, and feel free to re-request when you do.
Hope this review was helpful! I can't believe you don't have any other reviews!
AetherAuthor's Response: Thanks! And yes Rose will have some flaws as the story progresses I'm trying to write her where shes just like her mother but has her father's temper, She is a bossy know it all and more flaws will show most of which come about as a result of this chapter. And as soon as it gets fixed and the edits validated (I had to delete a paragraph per staff request) I'll change the formatting to resolve the Bold issue thanks for pointing that out. :) And there will be more bad parenting on both Ron and Hermione. Percy will become more of the father figure in later chapters and possibly Astoria as a mother figure for Rose. I'll have to find a beta that is a grammar freak to work on the comma thing as grammar is my weakness when it comes to writing. I also need one to fix the "American" terms that i'm sure will slip in somewhere.
Thanks for the Review! :) Report Review
I love Rose so far! She seems very insightful and intelligent, like her mother. I found it a bit strange to picture her giving advice to a man who has so much more experience with life than her. However, I think that her advice gave him the outside perspective he needed. I've always thought about Percy as someone who might be too proud to be ready to take advice from someone so much younger than him, but I guess his mistakes in the war could have tempered some of that pride.
I'm excited to learn more about Rose! I'm also really surprised this doesn't have any reviews. The grammar is good, and you give some great description. Reading on!
AetherAuthor's Response: Thanks! Some of the events that occured during the war (witnessing Fred's death) and even after (the birth of his children and the death of his wife) have changed his outlook on life and he is more willing to listen to people. In my mind he's grown up and isn't the same prideful boy he was in school and even shortly after graduation. In later chapters (which i haven't written yet) The tables are turned and Percy winds up giving Rose advice the reason for which is in the next chapter and probably in chapters to follow. Rose is a very confused and sarcastic teenager.
Thanks For the Review :) Report Review
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