This was such a sad, but beautiful one-shot that made the tears well up in my eyes :) I love the idea for this, I loved the characters you used, I loved everything! I'm glad you used Hugo - he is so underused nowadays, but you pulled him off perfectly, and I felt so sorry for him. Acacia was lovely, too, even if it was only in memories. There was one mistake I spotted, though:
I recalled Acacia to smell like vanilla - this doesn't make much sense when you read it, so it should probably be something like I recalled Acacia smelling like vanilla.
Ohmygosh. They lost the baby. I'm still tearing up, even now. I feel so, so sorry for Hugo and Acia - losing something so precious as their first, newborn baby, and it is gutting to hear that Acia walks around with a baby doll in place of what should have been her baby girl. You really did make me cry. I also really loved your names - they were quite pretty, and just added to the whole thing. It was definitely believable, too.
You really made me wonder what Hugo would do now, what with his wife stuck in St Mungo's for what seems to be for a long, long time, and this was a lovely read, even if it was a bit sad. Thanks for requesting, feel free to re-request, and good luck with the rest of your stories! I really liked this :)
--Linn Report Review
Aw.that was SO SAD! I loved it! Beautiful...It was very realistic I felt like it was very possible and could happen to anyone! I was about to cry for Hugo.
Love, LylaAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review :) Report Review
OH MY GESH!
That's really all i could muster right now.
This was so captivating and sad and wonderful and sad and incredible and SAD. This was just a great story and the detail you put in this story was amazing. You had me hooked on the second sentence "And flawless... much like the beautiful sunset when it kissed the ground and bid goodnight. Her smile was contagious, bright like the moonlight. She had soft, full lips that Iíd learnt to part with, but had yet to forget." < so much deatiled.
For a one- shot i thought this was really great. I can't say anymore than that really. I bet Acria was amazing and that Hugo and her most have been a power couple. But, ugh, what happened to Hugo... its so SAD. I could tell he loved her so much. AND THEY WERE GOING TO HAVE A BEAUTIFUL BABY gah!
I noticed this one tiny mistake; "I used to love her long blonde hair and I still did;" 'did' should actually be "do" Idk, with 'do' its more flowly.
other than that, great story, made one of my faves! :DAuthor's Response: Hey thanks for reviewing :D
Yeah I guessed Hugo and Acacia would have been a power couple - maybe I should write their Hogwarts years? Haha
I'm glad you got hooked on the second sentence as I've been trying hard to do better with my descriptions and be more detailed in what I write.
Hugo defiantly loved her. I mean he's still standing by her even through it all and even through the realization that he may not get her back either.
Thanks for pointing out that mistake I'll be sure to change it :)
Thank you for reviewing :D Report Review
Hey! Perelandra here! I know you requested for another story but I just could not get into it. :( SO! I decided to review this one instead. I'm sorry, though!
Story wise this was really interesting. The end was so sad though! I got a bit teary eyed when Hugo said that she was holding a baby doll. Hugo was such a good husband, going to see his wife every day. The characterization was definitely brilliant.
The only CC that I have is that it got a bit on the confusing side. I know you italicized some parts to show us their past but it still felt a bit confusing. Perhaps I just need more coffee. Hahaha! Also, detail and imagery were sort of minimal in this one shot. You have great narrative so I was kinda hoping that you would give us more description to Hugo's despair or what exactly had happened. By the way, what sort of accident did the baby had?
Overall, this was a good one-shot! :D And again, I apologize for not reviewing your other story. :(
--PerelandraAuthor's Response: Hey :)
That's not a problem at least you made the effort to review something :) thank you.
The baby was a still born. So there was nothing the Healer could do anyway...
I've been told to improve on my description and I've been trying hard to make that happen, but it's harder than it sounds :/
Yeah I was going for the loving and caring husband and not a one that would abandon his wife as soon as she took ill.
That made me happy that it got you a bit teary eyes as I was hoping to tugged at the heartstrings of my fellow readers. So I am glad I made that happen in your case :D
Thank you for reviewing :D Report Review
Hey, it's Shlesha from HPFF forums here to review you! :)
Oh my gosh, this was so... amazing. I'm speechless right now! You did such a good job with maintaining a balance between description, dialogue, scenario, plot. it was really beautiful, the way you handled it. It was honestly a wonderful piece! I'm glad that you posted in my review thread! The flow was amazing, so was characterization. The way you wrote it was completely believable, and you did do the one-shot justice, no need to worry! I was more shocked at the end than sad though, but I think that was the effect you were going for. Great work once again! Keep it up!Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing :) this made me smile :P Report Review
Emesias here with your requested review ^_^
Characterization: Just honestly speaking, I'm not all that familiar with next- gen characters. However, with the mood that has been set by the plot, I'd say that Hugo was portrayed accordingly. His dialogue and the emotions that you gave him was definitely appropriate to the setting and the background of the story. Maybe just a little more description of the character's physical attributes would help a lot as well.
Flow: The story flowed really well. Good job on the use of italics for the flashback parts. I think it really helped with differentiating the past memories with the present ones (I had to learn this the hard way).
Overall, I think that it was definitely believable. The way the characters were speaking, the mood, the settings are all pretty consistent with what you're trying to pass on as the plot. Good Job!
Happy Writing! 9/10Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing :)
I've always learnt to italics my past from my present for some reason and it sort of stuck so I'm glad it came in handy ha.
I'm glad you found it believable as I wouldn't really know how someone would act in that situation since I haven't been there myself.
I shall add more description next time.
Thanks for reviewing :D Report Review
Hey! I'm here to review for the challenge!
If this is your first one-shot, I think you should be proud of yourself, because it's pretty good! I really like that you used Hugo, because I feel like he's one of the less popular next gens, and I think the relationship between him and your OC is really touching. I liked the flow of the piece, too, and I liked how you described Acacia's changing appearance, because I could see that she'd degenerated a little as a result of the tragedy.
I have a couple of little critiques about this. One is that I felt like the discussion of Acacia's loss felt a little like an afterthought - I got the sense that something bad had happened early on, but I think I would have preferred to see hints of the event threaded throughout the piece instead of being left totally for the end. The other is that I think this fits into the challenge, but I didn't really feel like St. Mungo's was a prominent theme. To me, if I had just stumbled across this and you hadn't mentioned the challenge in your note, I probably wouldn't know it was meant to feature the hospital.
I really like the memories - I thought you did a good job of setting them apart from the main plot and transitioning in and out of them. I also didn't spot too many errors in spelling, punctuation, and grammar here, so that's good as well.
Nice job! Thanks for entering the challenge :) Results will be posted via blog when it's over.
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Hi thanks for reviewing.
Sorry if it doesn't fit the St. Mungo's theme as much as when I was writing this I had that at the back of my mind as I didn't quite know where to go with this story line.
I know Hugo doesn't get appreciate as much that's why I have chosen to write him as my main character in this one-shot as I want people to see a different side of him.
I'm glad you like the relationship between Hugo and Acacia though :D
Thank you for reviewing and sorry again :/ Report Review
This was a very singular one-shot and I really enjoyed it.
I loved Hugo's characterization, he was so sweet and caring and I loved him.
I loved the concept of it all, the reason she lost her mind and the way she did. It's really intriguing and though I'm not sure it's possible to loose your memory like that, I loved the fact that she did. It just brings more frustration and such.
I really enjoyed all the fluff in the flashbacks that swiftly flowed in the story, though I do feel some angst was missing. I'm just guessing when you loose someone like that, when you know there aren't really there while you see them there should be some awful frustration that I couldn't really feel.
The events clearly introduce us to that, but the character just goes on and on about her past smile and not on how she now lives. It takes really the simplest details, like the thing about her current "happiness" while holding her rag doll that would give it angst. Like the way she smells now breaking the flowery portrait we have of her.
This is just my personal opinion anyway, as I love angst an even more when there's romance breaking in. It es really original though and I hope you keep writing mental illnesses as it's really interesting from a Weasley POV!
Another detail I spotted was:
"Healer Lyon kept telling me she was getting better, but I knew she was lying. "
Shouldn't it be HE was lying? It was just a tad confusing there, and if it's meant to be SHE, I'd love to know why!
Thanks for bringing me I read this, just add some angst so you knot your reader's throat! ...mwahahaha
Val ;)Author's Response: Hey thanks for reviewing :)
Argh I know I didn't do my angst any justice in this story but I'll be sure to improve it at some point but thank you for pointing that out though :) I know he keeps going on and on about her smile but I'll be sure to go edit and add more details into the story as I want the best possibly angst...
I'm glad you like Hugo characterization :) he's one of my favourite next generation boy and he doesn't seem to get that much credit in stories.
Thanks again for reviewing. Report Review
Awww, oh my goodness. I'm so glad I saw your status and responded, because I found this painfully beautiful piece.
This was so sad, but so moving and I loved it. I love how you threw the flashbacks in there and we went through the relationship with Hugo and Acacia together. And then there at the end. I saw that you posted this was your first sad one-shot, so I just kept waiting for that moment when the sadness would hit me. I was prepared for it, but still the way you wrote it was just beautiful and so moving.
You did so such a great job. This was beautifully written, and I can understand there at the ending why Acacia acts the way she does. I couldn't even imagine a mother's loss like that.
Really, such a beautiful piece. I loved it! You did a fantastic job. :)Author's Response: Thank you so much this means a lot :)
I know I couldn't imagine losing something so precious like a child or someone you truly care for (Hugo losing Acacia). I'm so happy that you found this one-shot moving as I was worried I wouldn't do this any justice so you cannot imagine how happy I am to hear this :D
Ha! I have an obsession with incorporating flashbacks into my stories as I think it gives the story itself more of a backbone as sort to speak.
Thanks once again for doing the review swapped :D Report Review
I think you did a great job, especially the last two sentences were extremely eerie. I really enjoyed this piece and you seem to have a gift for mental illness. :)Author's Response: Aw thank you for reviewing :)
I should try and write more metal illness based story. See where it'll take my writing? haha
Thanks again! Report Review
Aww Poor Hugo :(
This is well written. You can feel what Hugo feels (heartbreak/sadness) and how he wants things to be ok.
The flasbacks were good and also sweet, they fitted in nicely and flowed well.
Beautifully written x :)
I shall be adding this to my favourites :)
-Potterfan310Author's Response: Thanks for the lovely review :) and thanks for putting this to your favourite :D Report Review
Okay, let me tell you very quickly about my reviewing. I read your one shot once all the way through, then again and this time I will make notes as I go along. At the end Iíll try and put it into a coherent review to hopefully help you out and give you a good idea of what I think was amazing and what I think needs improvement.
Okay, letís start! :)
Wonderful opening sentence, very descriptive and intoxicating. I already feel a sense of confusion coming from my narrative voice, so Iím wondering what happened to that is making him describe her as a past...
ď...then and there - but not now.Ē What a painful sentence, very well written.
Youíve transitioned into a flashback very well, a lot of people have trouble with that so Iím pleased to see you made it natural instead of inserting FLASHBACK or something.
I would change this sentence:
Healer Lyon kept telling me she was getting better, but I knew she was lying.
Iím coming at this from a muggle medical standpoint though. A Doctor will never tell you a patient is getting better. Never. There is too much room for uncertainty, especially with a psychological entry. I would suggest changing it to something like, Healer Lyon kept telling me she was making progress.
See, the sentence is almost exactly the same, but itís not said in such a definite way. Progress can be anything from eating more food to opening her eyes more, to speaking more. Again, my fiance is in med school so I am telling you this from a 100% medical standpoint, not from a writerís standpoint. The way you have it written is absolutely fine, but you may have others that are as familiar with medicine and it makes them stop and think twice.
ďHealer Harris soon came back and informed us of our loss.Ē This is a devastating sentence. Absolutely devastating and so well delivered. Iím going to suggest again that you reword the Healer saying they just need to do check ups. They would know right away if a child had a chance of dying, and would never not make it clear to the parents that it was a serious matter. Honestly, if she was near death I doubt the healer would even stop and explain anything to then, but send another healer in to explain that ___ had gone wrong (something that can happen very quickly and result in death is the umbilical cord getting wrapped around the babies neck) so the healer could say something about how that cut off blood flow and ___ healer is trying to restore it.
What a heart breaking ending. So, Iím assuming that the loss of their baby drove her nearly insane? She couldnít face it, so she pretends the baby doll is their baby, and refuses to face reaality?
What a heart breaking story, and written so well with so much open emotion. Everything was a fuzzy mixture of Hugoís thoughts and feelings, and that style went a long way to strengthening this piece. You chose something so devastating to write about that most people donít ever have to experience, and did an amazing job with it.
I also like that you used a psychological injury, because those are so completely unpredictable. The brain is an incredible place that you can never really understand, once it believes something, itís as real for that person as anything else. You conveyed Hugoís complete heart break at not only losing his child, but his wife. Sheís still alive, but she is as good as gone.
Amazing job, again the things I commented on are only suggestions and they donít take away from this story what so ever.
I think your descriptions were perfect! Maybe a bit more of the room they sat in, just so I could get a real sense of their surroundings, but really you have a great amount of description and I followed the story the entire way through.
Great job, good luck on the challenge!
I hope I could be helpful, please PM me if you have any questions or concerns :)!
JamiAuthor's Response: Thank you for the review :)
Yeah I need to go back and change that. I should know a Dr would never say that to a patient. Thanks so much for pointing that out. I shall fix it as soon as I have time on my hand and I'm not so overly tired.
Yes the loss of her baby has in fact caused her to become mentally unstable...
I like writing from a metal health kind of view as you get more freedom shall I say. As like you said the brain the brain is an incredible place and it was nice exploring it in this one-shot.
Ha! I know I need to add more to my description I always seems to miss something out at one point or another. Now I realised I should have described Acia's surroundings more clearly to evoke more emotions.
Overall I'm glad you like this one-shot even with the minor mistake.
Thanks for reviewing :) Report Review
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