Reading Reviews for Death at Malfoy Manor
  
3 Reviews Found

Review #1, by ScorpiusRose17 Death of a Close friend

8th July 2012:
Hi there!

I am finally here with your review! Sorry it has taken me so long to get to, life has been busy.

I really like this chapter and the way that you wrote it. I like the details. They help provide a nice picture as I read a long. I liked your characters. Draco is more laid back, casual, do whatever needs to be done sort of guy in this chapter. I also liked Gaby. She isn't your typical Death Eater. She has feelings and friendships. I felt really bad for her in this chapter when her friend dies. It is a hard thing to go through, especially when you are forced to stand there and watch.

I really think you could also benefit from having a beta for this story. I did notice a couple of places where the wording was alittle weird and it didn't seem to flow as smoothly as it could. I also think that they would be able to help you with the comma's and what nots just to spruce up the chapter. This is only a suggestion.

I really like your story so far and I look forward to finding out what else is going to happen!
Keep up the good writing! =)

-SR17

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review. It was nice to know what you thought about it :D

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Review #2, by Jchrissy Death of a Close friend

2nd July 2012:
Okay, darling! I see you want a general review, I hope I cover everything you are hoping to get in this. If not, you may PM of course! :)

I love the descriptions in the first paragraph, you have not only given us what month it is, but a really great image of what the castle looks like!

This is the second paragraph, I think you must have reworded this sentence than forgotten to delete one of the ‘that mornings’ :) That morning I walked down to Potions in the morning

mush to her dismay. mush should be much :)!

You have such creative names! They’re great! You’ve also given Draco a quick tempter I see, very canon!

Something about, ‘usually we would have a general chat,’ sounds stiff. If that makes sense.

Wow, I did not see her being a death eater! Surprise! Very good introduction to that!!!


Geez did this story just take a dark turn!

Okay, I think you have a really good thing going! This is very creative and though it’s a bit AUish, it’s such a wonderful idea. I love how descriptive you are and how much detail you put into your writing, I also like that the plot is progressing. I’m going to give you some CC, please take it as an honest attempt to help you make such a creative story even better.

Slow down and feel. You are writing what the characters are doing, or spelling out what they are feeling, like when you say that Draco must have felt so guilty, but show us that without just stating it. Tell us the way Gaby’s hands shook, and her heart became cold in her chest as she watched the wand pointed at her friend. Tell us how the thick layer of sweat was covering her hands, and tears filled her eyes as she was instructed to either die or kill. Tell us how Draco said the words with a shake in his voice, shooting a look to Gaby, pleading for her to understand that he couldn’t live without her. Does that make sense? Your words tell us what they fell, but it isn’t real unless you make us feel it to.

Also, you really need to make it clear how deeply Draco cares for Gaby. We’ve learned through HP that a killing curse isn’t easy, and it takes a lot of motivation to make it happen. You have to really want it. Draco wouldn’t have been able to successfully do that curse unless he knew he wouldn’t survive without Gaby, so make that clear to us as the readers :)!

I hope this review was helpful, like I said you have a very creative idea and I hope you continue to work with it!!

Feel free to re request or PM me with any questions!

JChrissy

Author's Response: Thank you hun xx
Yes I see where you are comig from. Yeah, there are some typo's which I must go over (silly me).
Your advice is very helpful and it shows how much I still need to work on :D I understand it when you say 'it isn't real unless you make us feel it too.' that is very true. I'm sure that with your advice on board I can make the steady step to improve my writing.


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Review #3, by luvinpadfoot Death of a Close friend

1st July 2012:
Poor Gaby! That's so sad! Her best friend being killed right in front of her like that. I'm very interested to see what happens next.

Your descriptions were really good, although some of the paragraphs at the beginning were rather long. You may want to think about splitting them up.

I loved your characterization, the way Draco would do anything for Gaby. The only thing I can really suggest is to make Voldemort a little more... cold, I guess? At the moment he seems just a little bit childish in his anger, although still quite scary.

Great story, I can't wait for more!

Author's Response: Thanks for the review :D
Yeah I totally agree with you there. Voldemort does need to be a lot colder but it's very hard to capture that when J.K has already done it.
I'll see if I can post more up for you! I'm still trying to figure what will happen next.


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