Hi there! You never got back to me on what you wanted reviewed so I decided to just review what I haven't, and when you upload something new I'll review that until you've received your ten reviews. :)
I said review way too many times.
Anywho, I'll start on to the review. :p
Okay, honestly, I didn't really like the plot but not because it wasn't good (it's amazing actually), only because my personal preferences are used to fluffy, happy things. :p But I'm glad I'm reading it, I need to venture into more genres. :p
It's amazingly well-written, your writing is just so powerful. Your description, your imagery, the repetitive 'fudge this' (I'm making it 12+ :p), is just phenomenal.
This has got to be one of the most original pieces on this site. It portrays Snape in a completely new light, and although he's ridiculously creepy and I would probably beat him with a stick, I kind of like it.
And the quote: "He hates being so full of hate that he repeats a hate in his mental list of things to hate."
That basically summed up Severus Snape in one sentence. You couldn't have picked a more perfect quote for him.
I also love that he's trying Muggle things because Lily's a Muggleborn. I don't know if that's what you were aiming at, but that's what I interpreted.
So, this was an amazing one-shot, I'm really glad I read it. I think you're going to slowly convince me into reading more alternative stories now. :p
Review 1/10 (Mostly for me to keep track). :)Author's Response: Okay, so. I owe you a serious apology. I'm lazy as hell, to put it 12+ly, and it's just completely slipped my mind with exams and coursework and me not really being bothered and all that wonderful stuff.
Anyway. Moving on.
That was definitely the record amount of times I've seen the word 'review' in a review, to be honest.
I know how you feel, mostly - the stuff I read is all action-adventure Harrycentric AU, which is great, but nothing like what I write. It's always weird for me. XD
Well. Wow. That's extremely high praise. I'm genuinely lost for words. (Well, mostly.) I would probably beat him with a stick too, though.
I actually cheated and got that quote from an actual description of Snape from ladyjaida and dorkorific's 'The Shoebox Project', which is weirdly enough one of my favourite romdramcoms (romantic dramedies?) of all time that just happens to have pitch-perfect character descriptions. So I had to use that quote.
What I was going for was playing around with Snape's half-blood status and his Muggle working-class childhood, but your interpretation is far more romantic, so keep it. :D
Thank you so much for your lovely review!
I actually guessed it was Severus by the last paragraph. I knew it must be Lily when he started talking about hair and eyes, and James is rich, so it had to be Severus.
That aside, it was a really fun short read. I don't think I've ever pictured Severus this way before, so it was refreshing. Well written, good flow, a great capture of a 'creepy teenage' boy.Author's Response: Hi!
Yeah, I think the racism might've given it away there a bit... anyway. I'm glad it was decent, considering the ocean of Snape fic this fandom delights in, and thank you very much for your review. :) Report Review
ugh, your writing is absolutely phenomenal. I'm going to try and limit how much I write here, because I don't want to go on and on in an endless review of squees (because you're so amazing that squees are really all I have for you, seriously) so I'm going to try and keep myself limited and try not to bore you with my endless amounts of love.
Severus is so well characterized in this one-shot (characterized, is that a word?) and I just died. He's one of my favourite characters of all time to read about, just because he's so complicated, and easily one of the most well-developed and rounded characters in the series, and it's so wonderful to see him done differently, as you've presented him here.
This was just beautiful. Words can't even describe how much I loved this. Ugh. Done. Feels.
xx MollyAuthor's Response: Okay so this response is two weeks (at least) late, so I'm really sorry about that.
So, erm, I'm not really used to characters like teenage!Snape - especially not leatherjacket!teenage!Snape - so I'm really, really glad mine worked for you, especially since you're a Snape fan!
Thanks so much for your lovely review. :D Report Review
WHY ARE YOU SO GOOD.
Your introductory paragraph is phenomenal. A nice rhythmic narrative voice, simplistic and full of imagery. "The fag's seductive acrid taste." Wow. Amazing.
This really captures Severus's insecurities so wonderfully. He is full of self-loathing for even wanting to own a cheap leather jacket because "that rich boy" had one, but he does it anyway. I've always admired your ability to capture these torturous thoughts which people of this age are like to have, without sounding like a "teen angst" story in the least. The line "F*** this, he thinks, because it is familiar" says so much about this in so little words.
"Desire the victory roar of a spirit, that fire...He resolves to cover the windows with foil, to block the moon, to block the sun, to block this f***ing yellow light." STOP IT YOU'RE TOO GOOD.
OH THE ENDING. Wow. This is so amazing. Really. I wish I was capable of giving you critique, and the only thing I can think of would be removing one of the words "his desire" towards the end so that it becomes more effective when you use it in the very last sentence. But that's all I have. This is absolutely stunning, as always, and I am adding it to my favorites :)Author's Response: Ohai :D
I'm not gonna lie, this is my favourite opening to anything I've published on HPFF so far. While that's not saying much, I'm glad you like it too.
I'm not really sure how to feel about how my niche on the archives seems to be somewhere between dysfunctional marriages and realistic teenage angst, but thank you anyway! XD
And thank you so much for this lovely lovely review. Report Review
Hey! HEY, HEY, HEY, CAOTY!
Ahem. This wasn't the one-shot that you wanted me to check out, was it? I wanted to follow your link on the forums but wasn't able to and sort of did a panic dance that was all too amusing. So, being a trooper, I stalked over to your profile page, where, alas, there were more than a few stories to pick from! Oh, how delighted was I? Very. I'd been meaning to check out some of your work ever since you left me a review for MY one-shot about my dearly lovely George Weasley (You may or may not remember). Haven't really had the time and life issues got in the way of alot of things so I haven't read/reviewed much of anything lately. :p
See how much I suck?
Anyhoo, on to this review! Hehehe.
Just to point this out to you, even though I did read the description on your page, I really would have been able to guess who this was by that wonderful quote. :D
And what bold writing too! I've read a few Mature stories and most of mine fall in that direction but never one quite like this. How did you manage this? I'm pretty impressed too and I really love the way you've delved into Snape's mind a little, the eff this, eff this, was especially something. Not the most profound word but I wasn't able to stop reading after that and his disdain for his own life could have made the meanest person wince. Really loved the grittiness of that as well and the fact that, despite it all, he's still obviously in love with Lily! Great that you didn't actually show her since it would have taken away from him but it was a little interesting to have her in a cameo. Now, what's creepy is that he's actually stalked her from the way those last few lines sounded and I'm not sure whether to applaud you for doing something so unsettling, or shudder.
Snape stalking anyone is...spooky.
But, anyway, all in all this was pretty darn fantastic and I'll probably be going back to read some of your other work. :D
Should have done this sooner! >:(
See you on the forums!
GabbieAuthor's Response: HEY, HEY, HEY GABRIELLA!
Nah, that link was just a shortened link to my Author Page, so it doesn't matter. They usually work better than long URLs, so I'm not sure what happened there. Sorry 'bout that.
Time and life issues (and laziness) have stopped me from answering this review in decent time, so I know that feeling. :P
If your definition of bold writing is a ton of cluster F-bombs, then yeah, this is bold writing. XD No but seriously, I'm glad you thought they added rather than detracted from this fic.
I think the 'disdain for his own life' bit might've been because I wrote this in Maths class. Integral calculus can turn anyone passively suicidal, really. But it's a feeling I've always associated with Snape; for a master double agent, he doesn't seem too concerned even in canon about his own life. After all, his day job is working with mostly lethal substances in a highly unsafe environment.
On Lily & stalking: the former's absence is basically how Snape sees her in his twisted little mind, which is the subject of this fic (after all, during most of the time he loves her, she's dead), and stalking is just fun to throw in.
Anyway, thank you for your review, and I'll see you 'round. :D Report Review
That was creepy... and I sort of saw it was Snape, from the whole "Mudbloods" and creamy skin and bright eyes. This gave me the chills. It was very well written though, so congrats to you on that.
Snape is a very... interesting character, in the sense that he is neither wholly good or wholly bad, it just depends on the readers perception of him.
I really enjoyed this!
Merry Christmas!Author's Response: Hey~
Well done for guessing it was Snape - not many managed that.
He is an interesting character, and I agree with your conclusion; I (obviously) just tend to the 'bad' side.
Thank you so much, once again, for your lovely Christmas present! :) Report Review
Wow...um...this one shot has me really confused and all over the place!
I'm honestly not sure if I really, really liked it...or really disliked it.
You clearly have a beautiful writing style and are a great author and this take on Snape is very unusual and it actually really interests me! Though I'm not 100% certain I agree with what you've written, this short one shot has made me fascinated to know more-I actually find myself wishing that this was a short story rather than a one shot!
Sorry for this weird review, I hope it's somewhat understandable!
Courtney:)Author's Response: Hi! :)
Confusion tends to happen when it comes to reading my fic. Don't worry, you're not alone. I barely have any idea what I'm writing half the time.
Not many people do agree with what I've written, but I'm glad you maybe-liked it anyway.
To be honest, I'm not sure what else I could write. There is not much mileage you can get out of 'creepy depressed teenage boy' without becoming boring, really. :P
But anyway - thank you for your review, and I think I know what you mean. Report Review
Helloo...you asked for a review?? =D
Err...right...before I start reading I usually have this habit where I scroll down the page just to get an idea of the story length. And I happened to glance at your A/N. And I happened to see the words "Severus Snape". So I sort of - well I ruined the guessing game for myself but anyway.
Right. First of all, that is a fantastic opening paragraph. There's so much going on in there and I love the sentence fragments, the parentheses, the repetition ("cheap" just felt like such a great word to repeat over and over). There's a kind of frenzied energy to your sentences with all their uneven lengths and everything - and this translates well to Snape's character, giving him this sort of manic restlessness. I've had him in my mind as a brooding sort of fellow when he was younger, but this piece certainly throws a different less-flattering light on him.
I'm glad you chose to focus on his obssessiveness and his stalking behaviour rather than portray him as the lovelorn Snape with the unrequited feelings for Lily etc. etc. I'm sure you know. It's something that many people romanticise a bit too much and then treat Snape as some kind of dark Byronic hero, except without the love and popularity =) Also, there's this oppressive sense of claustrophobia - him being stuck in his Muggle house and his "Muggle trappings" (great phrase!) and limited by his own crippling desires - which you managed to convey nicely, mainly through the repetition again, and through Snape's "mantra for everything". It does make him appear like some sort of restless caged animal, which provides a lovely irony for later when he describes the girls as a "female zoo". And a "tribe". And again, more irony when he denies being misogynistic!
"Piss-soaked light" is another wonderful and original phrase, by the way :)
Well, I don't have a lot of critique for this piece; it's just so well-written. It's a really short piece and made of so little, yet it provides such an intense view into Snape's thoughts and the characterisation is so original and spot-on. And of course, I really enjoyed the experimentation with form and sentence structures and the detail in the language.
I suppose one of the phrases which I didn't particularly like would be "Desire is the victory roar of a spirit..." It is a rather hyperbolic phrase, at least when compared with the rest of your language. Your prose in this story is fraught with tension and very tight; somehow that sentence does seem incongruous with the rest of the text. I mean I understand "pure white creamy skin" is supposed to reflect Snape's lust and fixation on Lily, but I guess it's the "victory roar" part of the sentence that threw me off a little. It's probably just me :)
I also have mixed feelings about how Snape refers to Lily as his "desire". It seems like an awfully formal way to describe her and again, is inconsistent with the colloquial tone and the rest of the prose. On the other hand, however, I like that the term "desire" is used as a sort of dehumanising and objectifying label for Lily, and that Severus doesn't see her as a real person with feelings.
The ending of the fic was rather unsettling - Snape the Stalker! Well, I think you've got into the head of an obsessive stalker very well! This is great writing that packs so much into so few words and it is a very detailed and disturbing character study, and your control of language and form is remarkable. No idea what you're so terrified about!
-tehAuthor's Response: Indeed I did ask for a review, and then procrastinated about answering it.
But... I told you the story length! Oh well, can't be helped. I was wondering who you'd've thought the protagonist was, though.
I've got a few complaints about the breathlessness of my opening paragraph - it is a bit full-on - so I'm glad you appreciate it, and think the run-on sentences and brackets are art rather than incompetence. :P
I really hate the Snily ship, and being in absolute love with someone for almost twenty years after their death - and almost thirty years after your relationship breaks down - has always felt unhealthy to me because I think a lot about these kinds of things. Surely, if Snape is any kind of dark Byronic hero, he's the misanthropic and repulsive Heathcliff, I've always thought.
I didn't think I was capable of original phrasing. Thank you for that.
Why is it that you always find my placeholders? I always got away with them before you came along. The last sentence of Carelessness and now this... you're a genius. Anyway. I basically put that in there because otherwise it would have read 'desire that fire', and I think the rhyme would've detracted from the mostly-seriousness of this fic. And I wanted to keep the fire thing.
I think it's Voldie who says something along the lines of how Snape *desired* rather than loved Lily. I just thought that desire, or thinking of someone who's impacted on your life that much as a desire, would be a great coping mechanism as well as being objectifying as hell... am I making sense? I don't know.
Anyway. Thank you for your absolutely amazing review, and I will have to revise this fic in the future. :D Report Review
Wow, this was one brilliant piece of writing. I guessed it was Severus in the last para when he was following "that mudblood" xD
I think you wrote this exceptionally well. The emotions of Severus came across strongly, and the thoughts were portrayed in a realistic way. The narrative was smooth and captivating. The bitter mood of the story was well maintained throughout.
I liked the whole 'fuck this' thing xD The piss-soaked light made me gag though, I'll never be able to look at light the same way again :P
But anyway, this was a well-written one shot. I enjoyed it. Good job!
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Hey!
Well, you guessed it earlier than a lot of people. Everyone seems to think it's Sirius for some reason. XD
I'm glad you think my Snape was realistic. A few people have told me that he's not like this at all and I've interpreted his feelings for Lily incorrectly, but I like to think I haven't.
Swearing is always fun. Pee-soaked light... not so much.
Thank you so much for your review! :) Report Review
Well, to me this isn't that severus, because he does love lily. But I guess for someone who doesn't really like him much you must of made him the way you think of him. I honestly didn't realise it was snape till you said the girl 'mudblood' as his 'desire'
There is alot of swearing in this... Snape is grumpy!
Any ways, I have a totally different though about Snape, so this isn't my favorite story ever.
But it is still good nevertheless.Author's Response: Hey!
Personally, for a whole bunch of different reasons, I've always found Snape's feelings for Lily very problematic, but I could write an essay on that and I won't make you read that here.
Despite your differing opinion, I'm really glad that you decided to R&R my little spitefic! It's always nice to have someone else's take on a character. :) Report Review
I really feel Snape in this. I feel like I understand his point of view that little bit more now. I love this, it flows so well and seems angry but thoughtful at the same time. I love the way it's written and how descriptive you've been whilst also letting it have a little bit of plot structure at the same time.
I'll get back to you about placings in my challenge just after New Year.
Thanks for writing and entering my first ever challenge :D
hpsauceAuthor's Response: Hey there!
I love writing character studies, especially (weirdly) of characters that I personally find unlikeable, so I'm really glad you're feeling my Snape. Plus that and I was bored in Maths class.
Thank you for your wonderful review, and I hope your challenge goes well. :D Report Review
I thought you did a great job with this oneshot! It was a wonderful and different take on Snape and how much he loved and wanted to be with Lily that he would resort to sitting around and waiting for her and her group of friends to wander by his house so he could follow her home. The only thing I really noticed was the the beginning paragraph is a bit of a run on sentence as almost all of it is just the one sentence. I would suggest breaking down the sentence into a few smaller sentences. Other than that though, I didn't notice any other mistakes! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Thank you so much! I was sort of trying to make him as gloomy/creepy as possible while still keeping him IC, so I'm glad you liked it. The run-on sentences, though, are a consistent problem of mine - I write stream-of-consciousness and tend to sacrifice grammar for voice, which doesn't always work. Thank you for pointing that out for me, and for reviewing in the first place! :) Report Review
Truth to be told, in the beginning I didn't know whether the protagonist was dear Severus, James or Sirius (something about that leather jacket), but when more and more his anxiousness came to the surface, he was Sev through and through.
I was quite delighted that you found the proper boy mode for this fic. It's usually quite hard for girls (at least I think you are a girl =P) to find true teenage boy voice, but you got it. I liked how unpolished Sev was and how he tried to hide his thoughts from even from himself. No wonder he was so good with Occlumency.
Your writing style seems to be very adaptable to different types of writing. It's really intriguing and keeps readers on their toes. I'm looking forward to reading more of your fics. =)Author's Response: The intention was to make you think it could be Sirius, but James is not a guess I've had before. Wow. But I'm glad it sounded like Snape to you.
I'll have to admit I wasn't intentionally thinking in terms of gender, but boy-mode wasn't too difficult to me, because I'm a bit obsessed with trying to understand people on their terms. (The sad life of a sociology student.)
So I'm a girl, eh? I'm intrigued. :P
That's very high praise - I'm glad you think so! Thank you so much for your review, and don't worry, I'll soon be writing so much you'll be sick of me. :D Report Review
I must say, your portrayal of Severus as a teenager is a lot like how I visioned him in my own mind. I always pictured him as the creepy sort of guy that followed Lily around at eleven at night, while she was making her way home, or something along the lines of that. I also think that the angsty persona you've given him is very fitting.
I really like this one-shot of yours. c:
10/10Author's Response: I'm glad you agree with my characterisation; I was a tad nervous when I first posted this, because he's a popular character in many circles. And angst is always fun to write.
Thank you so much for your review! :D Report Review
Tagging you from the Review the Person Above You thread in the common room.
You need to write more.
I'm going to leave that opinion all alone on its own line so that hopefully it makes an impact. Because it's important. Perhaps not quite as important to you, but this isn't just about you, OK? This is about us. And from the standpoint of us, you really need to write more, because I find your writing so very challenging to process and respond to. This isn't the standard "two agonizingly mismatched next gen characters weep and brood as they battle the oppressive expectations of an uncaring world to find true love, man!" HPFF teen angst crapola. I can knock out a 2,500 character review of that stuff in my sleep. Reviewing one of your stories is energizing, really. I actually have to think.
To the dilemma posed in your author's note, sorry, I didn't recognize him until you told me. And I'm not entirely sure why, because it seems easy enough once you pointed it out. As I was reading the piece, I had an angsty, brooding Albus Potter stuck in my head. I feel like I should apologize. You deserve more credit than that. But I was reading The Human Factor last night and I think that Misanthropic Albus was burned into my brain.
At any rate, this is a brilliant character piece for Snape. He is, in most ways that matter, exactly what you describe. His obsession with Lily is so idealized and possessive. She's less of a person to him than a memory of a feeling of safety and happiness. A source of comfort from his miserable childhood that he refused to relinquish, even as he delved deeper and deeper into other outlets for his anger and disaffection. I absolutely cannot stand fics that portray Snape and Lily (I also hate the term 'Snily') as a story of pure, idyllic, unrequited love. His feelings towards her were anything but.
The way that you immerse him in the muggle trappings that he hates was perfect. He is all about self-torment. Surrounding himself with things that he claims to loathe, pining after a girl that he's already driven away with his own childish inability to see her as her own person. His mantra couldn't be any more perfect. Complaining for the sake of complaining with no intention of doing anything except continuing to perpetuate his own misery. In case you can't tell, I really dislike people who measure their self-worth in terms of their ability to complain loudly about how terrible their life is.
For such a short piece, I love the amount of detail that you worked into it. Visual and tactile and sound and smell... it was a very vivid picture of what I assume is his parents' old home in Spinner's End.
The thoughts that cross his mind as he makes ready to leave and follow her were the icing on the cake. She's a Mudblood. She's beneath what he believes that he should be. But he can't stop desiring her. So he slinks away into the shadows to watch her from a distance. That's not love, that pathetic and borderline deviant.
So, back to my main point. Write more. Do it for us. Keep making me work at this. I really can't get enough of the peculiar light that you shine on all of your subjects.Author's Response: I'm writing more, I swear! I just got a one-shot validated and I'll be putting in another one in the queue very shortly. I'll be writing so much you'll be sick of me. You have been warned.
Although, that said, some of it does come under "weeping and brooding next gen kids versus the uncaring world". So you may get sick of me for a different reason. :P
Albus Potter is possibly the least expected guess I've gotten as to the identity of my protagonist. You get points for originality, as well as flattery.
I'll have to read Human Factor.
I'm really glad you brought that up about Lily, because the whole idealisation-objectification angle was what I was going for, and I agree so much with your view of Snape that I have nothing to add. You're a very persuasive writer, you know. (Have I started reviewing reviews?)
I tried really hard to work as much detail as I could into it, and I've drawn a lot from my own experience as an angsty teenager, so I'm glad you liked that.
You've persuaded me. One new one-shot, one being written, two being planned, several being vague ideas. :D Report Review
While I can't blame you for being sort of terrified, I think you've pinned down aspects of Snape that lots of his fans (myself included) find it easy to gloss over. His love for Lily, obsessive and painfully long-lasting as JKR revealed it, kind of ruined him for me, at least in canon. Snape/Lily can be a pretty ship, but if a person looks close enough at the canon, the "creepy infatuated teenage boy" isn't just there -he's front and centre.
And you've also captured other important aspects of Snape, like his need for acceptance, which leads him to act out roles that suit him as ill as that black leather jacket. It's a perfect choice to make him try to be like Sirius, that rich boy (that was when I knew who the character was), even while he hates Sirius and hates Muggle things and hates the world - oh my god he's such a teenage boy. There's a great authentic feel about this story - reading this made me imagine 1970s Britain and rebellious adolescents who listen to punk rock (or better yet, became punk rockers). It's something most fanfic authors forget to include, and you use it to bring out Snape's Muggle-world connections in a fantastic way.
Is it sad that my favourite line was when he claimed that the moonlight had been pee'd on? Best deconstruction of a cliched description ever. Who needs romantic moonlight when you can think things like that? I'll probably never look at the moon the same way now.
This portrayal of Snape and his relationship with Lily (is it even a relationship? Can it be unrequited love if the person doing the loving is not only doing it against his will, but being all obsessive and creepy?) has been the kind of refreshing thing that I needed to come across. What you've done here is inspiring, and I hope that others start pushing the boundaries like this. Amazing work!Author's Response: First off, sorry for the ages it took for me to reply, I'm a total procrastinator. It's terrible, really.
Anyway. On with my woefully inadequate response. Thank you for giving my extremely biased Marauder-fan interpretation of Snape a chance in the first place; I'd be somewhat hard-pressed to do that if the subject was one of my favourites.
I'll have to agree with you about the Lily ship. I think I might've liked him more if he'd had a non-Lily reason to turn double agent, but I like turning dislike into fic more. xD
The need for acceptance thing was a bit of a gamble, since I haven't read canon for ages and I just sort of guessed that he might be less than pleased with his partially-self-imposed isolation. Thinking about it now, he's always in some sort of group, isn't he? Either Lilyandsev, or the junior DEs, or splitting time betwwen the senior DEs and the Order. So I seem to have accidentally made some sort of observation about Snape, when I just wanted to be able to picture him in uncomfortable clothing. Thank you for pointing that out to me, and I'm really glad it worked for you.
I've always been sort of interested by Snape's half-blood status, and how he'd interact with the Muggle world when, if he hadn't been a wizard, he'd have probably identified (or attempted to, anyway) with the radicalised youth subcultures of '70s Britain. And I've always loved The Clash.
To be honest, the pee-light sentence is probably the best sentence I've ever written, including that train wreck of a stream-of-consciousness one in Carelessness.
Thank you ever so much for taking the time out to review this fic! Your reviews are always a joy to read. :D
I actually cheated and read a few reviews before reading this, so I can't say I was surprised by the character, but I was so very drawn in by the characterization you managed to spin on Severus with this. The continuous mantra of curses as he moves through this moment heightened the piece even more. I commend you for using this type of language to enhance, rather than detract from the scene. Not many people can pull that off, and you did it brilliantly.
I think you captured the self-loathing really well, as well as a fresh, boyish angst I rarely see from this character. I love how you showed him as the outcast who tries to act like all the other boys, just to prove to himself that he can, yet he does it in private so that no one can ridicule him about it. That is very much the young Severus that I picture.
And the stalking. We all know he did it, but you have made it into an almost uncontrollable impulse, something he might not be able to overcome... or maybe he might not want to. I also love that you used the word "Mudblood" so close to describing him casting away his "muggle trappings". I clearly felt like he was extremely conflicted about "his desire" being Muggle-born and wanting to have those muggle things around him so he'd be somehow closer to her, and then almost in the same breath, rejecting them, yet still going after her. I really don't know how to describe it, except that it was brilliant.
I am so glad I read this!
pixAuthor's Response: (Sorry for the late response. Life's been crazy.)
I'm glad the swearing didn't come across as gimmicky or anything - it just sort of happened as I was writing. Possibly because I've been watching too many Tarantino movies. But anyway.
Well, I can't really take credit for the self-loathing thing 'cause I hate him anyway. That's not good writing, that's author bias. :P
...When you put the stalking thing like that, you make me sound far more intelligent than I really am. He's a bit of a paradox, is our Snape, except when I was writing I honestly didn't think that at all - he's got the idealised unreal perception Lily and the reality of bloodism completely separated in his head, so much so that he'd... end up trying to save her life while being part of the group trying to eradicate her. This guy is really weird, is what I'm saying. But thank you.
Thank you (again) so much for your lovely review. :) Report Review
This is an interesting piece, I don't read many stories about Severus Snape and this was really quite something!
I think this is written amazingly, it is made even more creative by the fact that there is no dialouge. It really adds to the effect.
I think this is a really imaginative piece and i think you have got into the mind of Snape really well, so good job! :)Author's Response: Hey. :)
Sorry I took so long to respond, RL was getting in the way.
I've never actually read a story about Snape myself, actually, which is why my attempt at one is so weird. XD
Thanks so much for this review. :) Report Review
Hi, I'm from the review tag on the forums. From the beginning, this is a very intense story, even though there isn't any dialogue in it. The language, the short choppy sentences, and the way you describe the unpleasant surroundings just completely enhances the story. I can really get a sense for Snape's bitterness and anger in this story.
That being said, I was a bit weirded-out in the sense that I guess I've never really seen Snape like this... Hmmm... I guess it's possible for canon to reflect this sort of Snape, and if this is how you see Snape, then I know why you hate him. Hah hah. It's very easy to tell from this one-shot that you don't like Snape. ;) Maybe I'd be more into believing this was Snape if it didn't feel like it could be just any Muggle creep.
Anywho, I felt that this one-shot was very well-written. You did an excellent job of setting the scene and mood of this story, especially considering that you didn't use any dialogue at all to do it. The pacing and flow is excellent. Nice work!
AetherAuthor's Response: Hey!
I'm glad you appreciated the language. I have a lot of fun playing with it when I write, which doesn't always work.
I will admit that this is less "young Snape" and more "young Snape + hormones + leather jacket + the angsty music caoty likes to listen to". But I s'pose I was trying to make him more teenagery. Or something.
Thank you so much for reviewing these 600 or so words of Snape-bashing, it really does mean a lot. :)
Hey there! Here for the review swap!
And I'm so glad you chose this story, because I'd otherwise never had read it, blame it on my silly Snape hate (I just don't read Snily, as a rule or something nonsensical like that).
So the first line, there was so much hate I oils only think of Snape. And Voldy, but then I remembered he doesn't feel.
But then the leather jacket? Lol, I thought it was Regulus for a second. Wouldn't he be frustrated by the same muggle things?
But then you kept your characterization and the 'mudblood' and I knew it was Snape. I really loved your characterization, all the f**k this showing how he hates everything, but is it just me, or we're you implying he actually hates himself? Because that's really what I felt, and is great by the way.
And how he doesn't love, just desire. I'm not sure if that'd be true, but him trying to convince himself of that is so /creepy/ Snape.
It was a really nice read, and as you can say by my rambling, you made a really spot on Snape. Ther eis one single but I can say because the spelling and grammar wa great though... After all his, well, if you can call it thinking, I was waiting for some kind of conclusion? A wrapping maybe? Decision? I don't know, just something before the final f**k this. Hehe.
But I Siriusly loved this!
_valAuthor's Response: Hey!
I have that nonsensical no-Snily rule too, which is why mine is all hate-filled.
The leather jacket was partly for fun, partly for angst, and partly to trick people into thinking that the protagonist was Sirius. You are the first person to guess Regulus. I have honestly no idea how you acheived that. xD
I s'pose I can see the kind of average-Death-Eater type being similarly annoyed about the jacket, but, erm, yeah.
I was very much implying that he hates himself, and I'm glad that worked for you. In my headcanon he'd have to in order to turn double agent in the spectacular way he did.
The desire thing is something that arose from a debate I was having with myself about what Snape's feelings for Lily Sr. actually are. (I eventually settled on idealisation intensified by her romantic death and general inaccessibility, btw.) I think it would definitely be easier for him to conceptualise his feelings as desire, because that's less messy.
I will admit that I had absolutely no clue how to end this and so I just improvised. I'm a hack writer.
Thanks so much for taking the time to review this, you've definitely given me something to think about. Report Review
That was definetly a moment in the mind of a very angry teenage boy. I've never thought about Snape being that way when he was younger.. I always thought of him as more sniviling and whinny with the occasional angry outburst at James.. LOL.. But his Lily obsession comes across loud in clear in this piece.
I did notice between this story and the previous one I read that you have a habit of, smooshing words together - ie: neckwristswaistshoulders - and I don't really understand the reason for it.
Keep up the good work!
~Moon~Author's Response: Hello again!
I mostly agree with you on Snape's whininess, actually, but I reckoned that all had to come from something real, so I ended up with this. *shrugs*
The giant words are my attempt to create an immediacy which IMO would be lost if I used conventional lists; commas, spaces and connectives all slow down pace, which is what I attempted *not* to do. Plus I have little to no regard for proper grammar and tend to make it up as I go along.
Thanks so much for your review! It's very much appreciated. Report Review
So I have to admit that at first I wasn't sure if the protagonist was Sirius or Snape, but as soon as he dropped the 'mudblood" line I knew for sure it was Snape!
I really enjoyed your characterization of Snape, and it seems like you might feel the same way I do about Snily; I appreciate how important it is to the story, but I'm totally creeped out by it.
You captured Snape's personality really well, the creepy obsssiveness really came through, along with his bitterness and self loathing and how much of a loner he was.
In a short amount of space, you manged to give us a grat insight into a complicated character and show some of th emotional trauma h was going through.Author's Response: Hello taggy-person!
The Siriusness was totally intentional - I just like messing with people's heads and Snape in a leather jacket is too funny of an image to not use - so yeah, I'm glad it worked.
Hurrah, someone agrees with me about Snily. That makes, what, at least twenty of us in the entire fanbase.
I'm glad you enjoyed the creepiness of creepy!Snape, because it was fun as hell to write. He's like one of those '90s alt rock songs in human form.
Thanks so much for this review, and see you around. :) Report Review
So I'm going to say the /conventional/ thing and say that I definitely thought this was Sirius, though, when you mentioned the hair and the eyes there was a slight flicker of recognition there, but nonetheless I was still very surprised.
I absolutely love your Severus. I love that he's so different to other's characterization/interpretations of him. He's so relateable and boy-ish in this and I have never gotten that kind of feeling from him at all. Not with JK's flashbacks, not with other Snily stories in general...like, he's always this sort of heartbroken, destitute, infatuated person. Not really ever a /boy/. Kudos to you for making him so brilliant!
I like the plot of this surprisingly, because while I really enjoy celestial kind of Snily one-sides one-shots and I do believe that Snape definitely did love her in a way, but having said that I also totally believe that he was that "creepy infatuated teenage boy". For sure.
I really got lost in this so I can't exactly offer any CC, but just yeah... wow. I loved this even though I was hesitant of the idea of this characterization of Severus. :)
Hannah.Author's Response: Oh, I'd never do that to Sirius; I've a whole other way of defaming his character. But I'm glad it worked on you too. :P
All I did was mix "sarky infatuated guy" with "average depressed teenager" to get my Severus. I don't know much about other fics' portrayal of him, but from what I've seen from Marauder fics, I'd have to agree with you on his characterisation. A fifteen-year-old future teacher is still a fifteen-year-old, which is what some writers don't fully portray.
(That was a very roundabout and pretentious way of saying thank you. Thank you.)
Hurray, I've even managed to get Snily fans to like this. That's an ego boost and a half.
Anyway, thank you so much for your lovely review! Report Review
Didn't fool me! I knew this was Snape from the start, (thanks to your wonderful characterization) although for I was surprised when I clicked on it to find that the protagonist wasn't Lily - at least, not to us! I was going to get cross about Snape not being listed in the Characters, being petty like that, but as you wanted people to work it out themselves I can totally understand why he was left off the list!
This was so brilliantly written. Every word dripped with disdain, arrogance, self-loathing, and a good dose of horny, greasy young man. I would pity him here, if he weren't so foul.
The details you dropped in casually (as they should be, as part of Severus's train of thought) were perfect. 'One of those rich boys' - Sirius, yeah? Loved this. 'sublime, like it will be for him always' - neatly done. Always. Nice.
I actually love the thought of Snape covering his windows with foil to block out the light. Although really, it's not just the light he wants to block out, right?
I also read the entire thing in a slightly angry Yorkshire accent - think Sean Bean, but not as smooth or sexy- I think it's just because of the factories in Spinners End! Although I don't read adult Snape as Northern. Hmm. Just thought you might like to know :P
This is a good idea, well executed, and I was somewhat creeped out by how well you got into Snape's nasty little mind. Well done you!Author's Response: From the beginning? Wow. Well done. I think you might have been the only person.
I have no idea what you're on about, the protagonist is totally Lily. Or, at least, his unreal objectifying idealisation of what he thinks she is.
He barely exists at all, anyway.
I'm so glad (oh, dear Lord. I am irony) that my writing is good enough for you. Honestly, I wrote it during maths, and disdain, arrogance and self-loathing are pretty much all I can feel during maths. Self-loathing because I took it for A level, of course.
But thanks, anyway. :P
The 'rich boys' thing was actually replacing where I'd earlier written 'Sirius Black' - I like ambiguity - so yeah, you guessed right. And, of course, always. I wanted to get it in there somewhere.
That image is even more fun if he's still wearing his leather jacket. If he puts his cigarette out, he'd be pretty much invisible. He could block the whole world out with only a bit of foil. That's basically his ultimate dream, when you think about it.
(He never really gets round to putting the foil on the windows though, they've only got cling film in his house for some reason and he really can't be bothered going out and buying some.)
I always thought of Snape as this working class guy in the '70s in Yorkshire - the type musicals don't get written about, thank you very much Danny Boyle (I think) & Willy Russell - with a proper accent, except he practices his RP with the BBC on the radio late at night so that the posh boys don't have something else to bully him about. If I could write humour, I'd write a humour fic about that.
Thanks, and especially for the unexpected review! Made my day. Report Review
I really love this piece, and you are going to have to love me forever because I figured out it was Severus at the very end when he talked about his desire and mudblood. So, I think your dislike for Severus has streamed into this just a tiny bit, because he's pathetic and he's creepy. Which I like. Haha!
Also, I'm pretty sure you wanted to make me believe this was Sirius. Ya right, my darling Sirius-fictional husband- would never feel/think/act with as much defeat as you have given Snape. He's absolutely defeated and worthless at this point, simply because of his own actions. He is wallowing in his own pity, not making a motion to change anything about what's happening. So- that's when I decided there was no way this was my lovely Sirius ;).
You wrote this at a very interesting emotional point, in my opinion. Part of me wants to feel bad for the boy that's still practically a child - so much abandonment come through in this, then part of me knows he's old enough to no longer be a child and start making his own way.
His thoughts are so prefect creepy - condescending and arrogant, but pathetic. You did an amazing job creating so much strength in this short piece, the way you wrote it was intoxicating.
Perfect job, Caoty. AND I MISS YOU AND WANT YOU TO COME OUT OF EXILE ASAP!.
JamiAuthor's Response: You love this piece! Even though it's all Snapey! Yay!
'Just a little bit' is the most understated understatement I've ever seen. I've just re-read it, it's practically dripping with contempt. Fits with the character, then, I suppose.
Yeah, I totally did. And it worked... for most people, who aren't fictionally married to him. :P
Snape's the kind of person who'd feel that: a) this is Not His Fault and b) he can't change a thing. Sirius is the kind of person who'd feel that: a) this is Absolutely Not His Fault and b) he can totally fix this anyway, just 'cause he's so awesome.
It's a bit Catcher in the Rye-ish, isn't it? Well, Catcher in the Rye as written by someone who can't stand Holden Caulfield and will always and forever be utterly inferior to the great J.D. Salinger. (Sorry. I just really like Salinger.)
And I MISS YOU TOO AND I TOTALLY WANT TO COME OUT OF EXILE ASAP
Danke, lovie. :D Report Review
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