Reading Reviews for Albus in Wonderland
  
9 Reviews Found

Review #1, by UnluckyStar57 Gossiping Flowers and Not Nott

8th July 2013:
Hello! I'm here with the review you requested a little while ago. :)

So, I liked how you added in the Red Nott, and made him "not like the other Nott." It really gives a unique twist to the story, and it might help Albus realize that he's just fine being a different sort of Potter than the other Potters. It was also interesting that you placed Lily and Rose in the garden of flowers--but the flowers that they were weren't the same as their names. It was a very good parallel between Wonderland and the Potterverse. :)

Just a bit of CC:

You've got a lot of spelling mistakes and several misused words in this chapter. I would strongly recommend getting a beta reader to help you spot all of the little things that you might miss after a day of hard writing. It will take off some of the stress of having to edit a chapter by yourself, and it will make the chapter easier to read and understand.

In this second chapter, I see your characters starting to become hybrids of Wonderlandians and the Potterverse, but I still think it needs more contrast. How can you make the Wizarding World not only FIT into Wonderland, but MESH with Wonderland and make its own new trails? What can be taken from the Wizarding World to add to Wonderland, and how can those two differing concepts become united? It's all in the imagination, I think, and the crazy things the human mind can come up with. Just let your imagination fly free--you don't have to stick solely with the plot of Alice in Wonderland, and in this type of story, you don't have to rely entirely on the Harry Potter canon. I would suggest making up your own new thing and incorporating it in to Albus' journey. Give it a try--it might fuel and inspire your writing. :)

That's about all I have, except just a thing that I've noticed: In the title of the first chapter, the word "exelent" is supposed to be spelled "excellent." The chapter title is always the first thing I read, so it would be nice if it could be fixed. :)

Anyways, this is a very interesting concept, and I wish you luck in continuing it. :)

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: I actually just got a beta and they are currently looking over this chapter to (ATLpaintingflowers has her work cut out for her ha) but I am taking your advice into consideration because lets face it; Wonderland was a crazy high-trip...
I will probably go back and edit later chapters too just to add a better flow and create more interest for the reader.
Thanks for your time
XOXOXO,
LLG


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Review #2, by girl_in_glasses The Red Queen Relays Horrid News and A Quest is in the Midst

23rd January 2013:
This story has a really fresh concept, I didn't like it at first because there was less background info, but now the story has a great flow. It's interesting. I'll be waiting for the next chapter, plz keep posting :)

Author's Response: Thank you for your review! I want to go back and rewrite the first chapter or two once this is finished because it is poorly worded and as you said- lacks background. I kind of just jumped straight into the story without thinking about background info. I love that you gave my story a chance (especially when it was at it's worst) And don't worry I will keep posting
XOXOX,
LLG


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Review #3, by happy_reader Gossiping Flowers and Not Nott

4th August 2012:
who is zack? is this going to be answered later in the story?

Author's Response: Zach actually is one of the Nott boys in RatherBeAMalfoy and I's The Forgotten Generation series (Wouldn't bother looking yet since he is younger then Gem...) He will be mentioned alot later in this book because Al is his good friend which is why the Nott Bird is named Zach...Sorry for the rambling but that answer was deeply imbeded in my insane mind that cant get things out efficently.. Thanks for the review and I love any questions you have..
XOXOXOX,
LLG


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Review #4, by LittleMissPrincess Holes Fit For Rabbits Require Exellent Rooms

4th August 2012:
EHMAGOD. i love this. i absolutely LOVE alice in wonderland AND NARNIA. like Narnia is MY life. i randomly quote it and NLSID UKJHZNIU. i am really really happy that your doing this yay(:

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I encourage you to read on BUT fair warning Al takes some odd paths down in Underland...
I think you will be interested in my Narnia/second generation book "Lions Snitches and Strives with Insanity" I'll be working on it eventually putting its first chapter up. Please if you know anything that is horridly wrong with the story point it out I thrive on CC
XOXOXOXOX,
LLG


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Review #5, by fanficwriter Gossiping Flowers and Not Nott

13th July 2012:
Haha I love it! That's cool, can't wait to read more! Very clever I must say.

Author's Response: THANK YOU SOO MUCH! The next chapter *fingers crossed to me making a bloody decision* SHOULD be posted soon if I ever decide what should come next. Glad you think its clever. My sister decided to tell me today my story idea was pretty much dumb and she had the "right" idea. (.. O.o Baby sisters...) So naturally you encouraged me to continue even quicker :)
XOXOXOXO,
LLG


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Review #6, by xDearDiaryx Gossiping Flowers and Not Nott

8th July 2012:
Hey LittleLionGirl! Me again! I really like this chapter! It's a lot better than the last if thats okay to say but i'm liking the way you have put your own idea's across into it! It's starting to go off into a whole new and interesting story which i'm looking forward to following :) And i think that it's a good size of a chapter also:)
You could name it loads i guess. like 'Nott Rose' ?
Hope you keep writing :)
~P~XDearDiaryx~

Author's Response: Its alright to say you like this chapter better! Honestly I do too- considering all of the extra thought I put into it. Sorry to say but I will need both the red and white queens/kings in this... Although (no one hate me for this..) I think I need at least two more "color" Kings and queens- was thinking pink and gray (other ideas LOVED). Good to know the chapter size is good because I was going to add another tid-bit but my ideas for the next chapter mesh with it better.. Glad you Like-y.. Hope you follow and honestly tell me when I'm being an idiot. Kay?
XOXOXOXOX,
LLG


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Review #7, by fanficwriter Holes Fit For Rabbits Require Exellent Rooms

5th July 2012:
Well. This sounds awesome. I think maybe you should add the tweedle twins. Just, maybe if you wanted to, you could try smashing the two tales together, I don't know you don't have you, just a reccamendation. But otherwise your writing is great! Keep on writing,

~ K ~

Author's Response: I have decided offically I am adding the twins I'm just not sure which pair the refrence will be towards yet (the Zabini's or Pucey's) All of the tales/series/adventures I write will probably conect in some way. Hope you dont mind Buuut I think I will have my own adventures and characteres added in as well. My next chapter is ready to go (or well almost) I just have to wait for the ability to...hope you liked it and stick around for my own added ideas! (spoiler the Mad tea party shall be added!!! The connection to the hatter and hare in his real life is a secret though)

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Review #8, by UnluckyStar57 Holes Fit For Rabbits Require Exellent Rooms

25th June 2012:
Hi! Personally, I think this is a pretty good start to the story, and it's a very good idea for a story. :)
However, that being said, there are a few things you might want to look over a little. It's nothing major, don't worry! :)
First, C.S. Lewis wrote The Chronicles of Narnia. I think you meant Lewis Carroll?
Second, there were a few spelling mistakes: Saturday, player, and ceiling were the ones I caught.
Third, you said that Albus had a P in DADA, and then you said that the grading system was O, E, P, A, D, T. Does P still stand for "Poor" in your story? Because if it does, it would actually come after A (for Acceptable) in the grading system at Hogwarts.
One more thing: I like the beginning a lot, but in the future, I would love to see how you can make Wonderland your own. It would be great to see how different Albus' adventures are compared to Alice's.
I know I've given quite a bit CC here. I'm definitely not trying to be mean (I couldn't be mean about fanfiction if I tried!). I just really like your story, and I wanted to bring to your attention some points that I think need just a little polishing. :)
All in all, great work! 7/10!! :)

Author's Response: First: Oh my Godric! I did it AGAIN! I wrote an English theis on C.S.Lewis two years ago and I added Alice and the Adventures In Wonderland into his work. I swore to never do it again. I think its because both have Lewis in their Titles.. Second:I am awful at spelling, RatherBeAMalfoy usually corrects it all for me and reminds me that I need a dictionary attached to me just for spelling. Third: I forgot how the grading system works and I assumed A meant Awful. Whoops. It shall be fixed. I will definatly fix and polish this chapter after I write the basis for chapter two. I plan on adding my own bits and pieces to make this story my own though so dont worry. Underland will had to have changed since the time it was written anyhow.Continue the much needded CC though because without it I would have left this for a year or so before I'd find time to polish it and would be like WTF?! So thanks. Stick with! Peace!

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Review #9, by xDearDiaryx Holes Fit For Rabbits Require Exellent Rooms

25th June 2012:
YAY! FIRST REVIEW :) I think its quite interesting, would be good to see the differences of how Albus will handle wonderland. Haha that'd be good to include the tweedles but idea! Fred and George :P But over all its a really good start, creative and well written!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I think I shall be adding my own ideas and crazy creatures into this but I am not exactly sure yet what they will be... Hope you stick with me and give lots of CC

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