Hello! Here from review tag!
I think this is a strong introduction. Though I'm curious as to how it being a prologue will play out. We aren't sure who these characters are yet which is actually pretty fun. Though
I do hope if it's Lavender and the Prince then the Prince is either muggle born or muggle because of the television :).
I think you played the argument our really nicely. It had a lot if natural emotions they felt like they belonged. I really think you could up the imagery to bring your readers completely into the story. You had a ton of emotional descriptions which was great! But not very many physical.
I think this is a very interesting start that could go numerous ways :)!
JamiAuthor's Response: Thanks a lot for the review. I kept the prologue purposefully bare - bar emotion - but I might have given people the wrong impression, because Re definitely isn't a Muggle nor Muggleborn. Hmm, mgight have to go and fix that part.
Either way, glad you liked it and thanks again for reviewing. I'll see you around in Review Tag ;) Report Review
This is a strong introduction. You had a very nice hook, strong mechanics, well-developed and well-expressed emotion.
The only things I'd note are that as a (currently) stand-alone chapter, it feels a little weird to never have the characters named. I realize one is Lavender and the other must either be Dean or the Prince from the summary, but it would be nice to know which, or at least have the option of immediately finding out. That alone doesn't work particularly well for a cliffhanger, if that was the reason for the suspense.
My other note is that for Harry Potter fanfiction there seems to be a startling lack of anything magical. I realize it doesn't make sense for them to be casting spells at each other right now or anything, but some clues as to their environs would be helpful. Is there a magical kettle whistling Christina Warbeck's latest hit in the background, alerting them to forgotten tea? Or are they completely in the Muggle world? If so, the mere presence of the TV was not quite enough of a hint, especially since one of the two of them apparently turned it off magically.
On the whole, fantastic job, keep 'em coming.
siriusgirl1Author's Response: Thank you for the review! I actually didn't not name them on purpose. It just sort of .. you know .. came out this way. I think once the story really begins and you'll hit the point where the prologue comes from, it'll make more sense. I wanted to keep the prologue as bare as possible, so no magical hysterics ;P
Glad you liked it though ;) Report Review
WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW
So much emotion of confusion, hurt, anger, love and even lost was present in this chapter. It was crazy good!
Now for grammar or really word placement,
For this sentence "But he had said so, had told her it was all for nothing..." I think the word "had" before told, shouldn't be there. It would be more flowly if it wasn't there.
"They both hadn't been watching, had both been pretending." maybe it should be "both had been pretending"
Other than that, the story was really good. I do have a question on who "he" is. I know it has to be Dean or Re Bahur. I was thinking for sure it had to be Re Bahur, like this chapter was talking about events in the future. But in your summary it says that Lavender and Dean are together but aren't really in love. So maybe this was their break up. Idk but you had me thinking.
Interesting chapter and please let me know the next update on the forums (wickedana)Author's Response: Thank you so much for the kind review. I was really worried about the emotion, so I'm glad you thought that was good ;)
Once the next chapter is up I'll drop by your thread again. Thank you again for reviewing! Report Review
Heyy, this is Shlesha from HPFF Forums with your review! Your writing style is excellent! I enjoyed reading the one-shot. It certainly kept my attention, and made me itch to read more. The idea is great, and the characterization is wonderful! Your choice of vocabulary words is extensive, and the story flowed really well. Spelling and grammar, from what I noticed is really well done, and the emotion is conveyed really well. Each step of the way, I can feel what Lavender is feeling. Him, on the other hand though, is a little harder to get a sense of emotion wise, but I understand since this is from Lavender's point of view. One thing I would change, is be a little more descriptive about his feelings, and perhaps even go in a bit of detail about both of their physical appearances. Other than that, marvelous story!Author's Response: Really glad you liked it. People have been telling me I should add more description, so I'll be working on that then. Thank you for the review ;) Report Review
I love it.woww.
Written so well..ever so interesting
I need more :)
Please update soonAuthor's Response: Thank you for reviewing. I'll try to post the next chapter asap :) Report Review
Hi here with your requested review (finally)
So I thought this was an extremely interesting way to start of a fic. Immediately you pull us in with this argument.
The thing I think I liked the best about this was that you didn't identify them with names or even so much as a description. You let their actions speak for them (and in the girl's case her thoughts too) rather than their words. It was quite effective, especially because a break up such as this one has a lot of emotion in it, so we got to see their true colors.
Your description in this was subtle. You left out pretty much anything that might be used as an identifier (other then the way the guy smiles) and instead you would stick in things like what television show they were watching and how they were each sitting. I thought it was good especially because you didn't give us anything on the characters
The only thing that I might watch would be your commas. I'm not an expert on commas nor will I ever be, so you might not want to take this tidbit too seriously. I just thought that in some places (specifically times when you would do something like this "words words words, though") the commas weren't necessary. I mean if I was talking I wouldn't pause every time before I said the word though.
Anywho other then that one thing (which I might be wrong about) it was flawless. Great first chapter keep up the good work :)
--BoOkWoRm24Author's Response: Thank you so much for offering to review. Glad you didn't find anything terribly wrong with it. It's always scary, posting a new story ;)
As for the comma's, I have no clue -___-" I also have this in Dutch, placing comma's where they're not necessary. I guess I have this comma-fetish or something .. ^^ Report Review
This is a short but sweet prologue!
I really love your dialogue and the retorts and mock from the guy.
Spelling~ I didn't notice and errors in both this and grammar.
Characterisation~ I like how you didn't reveal the characters names throughout the whole prologue, very smart! I liked how you made the boy seem kind of heartless and the girl, really upset and emotional.
Emotion~ I loved the emotion, although I didn't read as much about his feelings, I enjoyed the way you wrote her's.
In fact, I really liked the way that you wrote the whole story, you seemed to find the right words for everything.
~htAuthor's Response: Thanks a lot for the kind review. I was worried about the lack of physical description, so I'm glad it didn't bother you! Report Review
I really really loved the first chapter! Please please write more again soon, I can't wait to find out what happens!Author's Response: Glad you liked it. I'll be a slow updater for this one, though. Need to finish the Whisper before the challenge deadline, but I'll do my best :D Report Review
A good start- It's interesting!
-Grammer and spelling: I don't spot any spelling issues or grammer issues; so good job :)
-Emotion: the emotion is good, you really feel for the characters!
All in all, not a bad chapter- 9/10 :)Author's Response: Thank you for the review ;) Report Review
Emesias here with your requested review!
Grammar/spelling:I think you are doing pretty well in this area. There are very few grammatical errors, no biggie. There are a few sentences that could have been joined together to make the sentences seem more complete and to make some areas look less overwhelming.
Emotion: You are off to a good start as you incorporated a lot of emotion through what the characters say to each other and and in their heads. However, what the characters do, how they look, the way they act, how their environment looks also contributes to the emotion of the story, sometimes, just as much as the dialouge itself. Something like "the lack of light in the room added more to the tension between them" or something like that.
Just to add, majority of the chapter was dialogue. Adding more of specific info like the physical appearances of the characters, what they're doing (the only thing in the chapter that mentioned what they were physically doing was when the armchair was mentioned and when she [Lavender, i presume] got up and walked up), the room/ environment that they're in can create a more complete picture for the audience and could also add more length. Overall, I think that you are off to a good start!!! I hope this was helpful! I'd love to read more on this story so feel free to re- request!!!
Happy Writing!!! 8/10Author's Response: Thank you so much for this review. It was very, VERY helpful! I will definitely work with this, adding some description and such, so thank you again. I really appreciate you taking the time ;) Report Review
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