This is amazing!! I love how the story progressed!! The introduction was really well done, I really enjoyed the way you started the story so ambiguously.
I loved the way you introduced the two variations on trying and then carefully showed how Draco was one and Astoria was the other.
Your dialogue was consistently realistic and believable. Your characters were very much in character and I enjoyed the banter between them.
This story progressed really nicely. I liked the way you developed Draco and the way you showed he cared quite deeply for Astoria without ever outright saying it.
This story had a really fitting ending. I really liked what you did with all the characters and really enjoyed reading this.
Wonderfully done! Please keep writing! Report Review
I do think it was a good call not to make Draco change his ways overnight. I can easily see him drifting for a good while and being a general nuisance before someone makes him see how useless and tedious such a life can be.
I'm quite fond of your Astoria, and how she was determined to make best of her life, despite of prejudices she met while pursuing her dreams. In fact it would be fun read more of Draco and Astoria, and what happened to them after this one-shot. =)
There were some spelling mistakes, but not so much that it would have affected the reading experience. Check it out sometimes, those are really easy to fix.
I quite enjoyed that you used a narrator in the beginning of the story. Stylistically, it would have been nice to have same narrator in the end as well, so that it would have rounded things together beautifully, but your ending was very nice as well.Author's Response: Ah, a nuisance! I don't think there's a better word to describe Draco at whichever stage of his life. I'm happy to hear that you found the change gradual though and that you liked Astoria! It was a bit hard to figure out how to write her exactly, but making her determined and outspoken regarding her targets was the only logical way to help Draco out and make him, eventually, love her.
I will try to go back and see to those mistakes. And I will also try to see if I can seal up with the same narrator; I seem to have completely missed that point.
Thank you for the helpful review and I'm sorry it took me so long to respond!
I love these two. Draco and Astoria are one of my 'one day after I finish Before They Fall and Before They Fall unnamed sequel' projects.
I think you did a really great job showing us their differences in this, as well as why they needed one another. Astoria wasn't going to take what life handed her and bow down, she was going to fight to make something new. So while she was in a crummy office, she was still making progress. Unlike Draco.
You highlight his difficulty to accept this change again in the next section, when he's still resisting change and Astoria is moving ahead, Pansy is doing something with herself, and Daphne.. we'll, I don't know what to think about her ;P.
And he's finally making progress! I love that we learn he's even loving being an Auror. I got a real sense for the kind of work he likes, the stress and heat of a chase, it's kind of sexy to imagine Draco fighting as the good guy ;). I love how you started the third section, it was such a sweet introduction and the idea of her saving him is so insanely heart warming.
Okay, I want to talk about the writing style for a second. You did so many things here that should have felt overly busy and crowded, but they didn't! You started it off with that 'great narrator in they sky' style, then tucked in 3rd omniscient, and let us inside the different characters numerous times. It should have felt like too much, but it wasn't! It was fascinating!
You also did such an good job making Draco's transition smooth, he didn't go from bad to good. You didn't go too quickly. You just really showed us a natural change, and it made the story feel that much more realist.
Lovely one shot, m'dear ♥Author's Response: Hey Jami!
Well, I will certainly be waiting on those Draco/Astoria projects -may even bug you about them once that final chapter of BTF sequel is posted :'( .
I really just needed to interlace both songs given to me in the challenge, and the two songs were basically contradicting, and I couldn't just see Draco being the optimistic one. I'm glad you liked their characterisation though! :D
As always, you're too kind and I find myself at loss of words! :)
Than you so much for the wonderful and incredibly encouraging review! :D -hugs-
Aw, I love Astoria/Draco! Especially how you wrote them here. I just don't think it's very realistic that society just accepted the Death Eaters. There had to be some struggle there. You showed that perfectly. I also really like the narraration technique you used here. You don't usually see it on hpff. It was a nice touch.
10/10Author's Response: Hello! I really love Draco/Astoria now, even more than I did when I wrote this story a few months ago. I'm very happy to hear you thought this seemed realistic. I mean, even people who haven't done anything wrong take time to acclimate to change and to be accepted by those around, so how about those who had taken a part, even if only minimal, in a destructive war?
Thank you so much for the lovely compliments and I'm glad you like the story!
-Manno Report Review
This was beautifully write, I loved how she helped him see the light. It's amazing what the love of one person can do. I'm a huge Astoria/ Draco fan, I love how even after everthing he went trough he still found someone that was willing to give him a chance!
MELAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to leave this review! I'm delighted to hear that you think this was written well and that you've enjoyed it!
-Manno Report Review
Hi there, it's Coley from the Ravenclaw review battle with your review.
I really loved your insight into the post-war Slytherin's and the fact that it wasn't in the usual form that you see - complete outcasts, refusing to make a change. It was so refreshing seeing characters that seemed to stay in character whilst still changing.
Throughout the piece, there were only a few errors that I could point out. Albeit minor, I still want to mention them. In the first 'section,' there seem to be a lot of unnecessary information - mostly in run on sentences- that could have been cut out to make the first 'section' more readable. Not that it wasn't readable, I just found myself skipping a few sentences. However, this wasn't the case with the other 'sections,' they were perfect in their description.
Other than that, there were just two other, very minor, things that stuck out. The sentence, "subject to personal differences...Allow," rather than the elipses, a comma would have suited this sentence better. Also, this sentence, "after the war had been over," using 'was' rather than 'had been' would have made more sense.
Like I said, other than that, everything was really enjoyable. The characterisation was really a stand out point for me, everyone seemed very themselves, even in the post-war situation, as aforementioned, was really refreshing.
The interaction between Astoria and Draco was fantastic. I could really see them having a future together which I don't find a lot with the stories here.
Overall, this was a really good look at the post-war Slytherin's, you did a fantastic job. It was well written, the characterisation was great and it was an enjoyable read.Author's Response: Hello! First of all, thank you for this lovely review and, secondly, I apologise for having taken so long to respond! I'm truly sorry.
I'm glad you liked the story and thought the chracterisation was alright -it terrifies me sometimes, especially that of canon characters like Draco. This makes me really happy! Also, thanks a lot for all the things you've pointed out. Once I have the time, I'll go over all these points and try to fix them!
Once again, thanks for coming by! :D
-Manno Report Review
Hahahaha this was brilliant! I loved the fact that you kept daphne and pansy his friends, but I loved that you made Astoria better and above them. It was like she may have faced the same things, but she was above the level of drinking. You created a whole world for a character we really know nothing about, but you made her fit into the one we know as well. You made her manipulative and seductive so that she was not going to be over run by Draco, but that she also did not rule over him or run the family as apparent so that it would destroy him. I think this story had a lot of back work done on it, and I think that's the greatest accomplishment of this story. The story overall was amazing though. Great Job on going out of your norm :)
Am.GinnyAuthor's Response: This is such a lovely review; I can't help but smile every time I read it. I'm very happy to hear that the characterisation of Astoria worked out here; I, too, believe that Draco would've needed someone who'd be there for him but not cave into his every whim and follow his every order. Additionally, I'm glad to hear that she seemed to fit into 'their' world while being slightly different.
Again, thank you so much for your kind compliments. :)
-Manno Report Review
Hello! Here for the BvB review battle:-)
Well, this was an excellent start for me - I love Draco/Astoria! For me, your opening passage was gorgeous. There were some really lovely thoughts expressed, and you painted a very vivid mental image.
I really liked the relationship you constructed between Draco and Astoria - the open, teasingand honest nature of it rang true for me.
Being constructive, some of your sentences meandered a little, and would have benefitted from being broken up. You may not be aware of this, but you also have a slight tendency to switch between the past and present tense.
That said, I loved how you used three very different scenes to show the path that Draco took to get back to social acceptance, and the full circle you showed us - very commendable, and very enjoyable.Author's Response: Hey there! Thanks for this lovely review!
I honestly can't help but smile a little every time someone tells me that they like Draco/Astoria. They really are awesome!
I was a little worried about the opening passage actually, that it may seem a little detached from the rest of the chapter. Nonetheless, I'm very happy to hear that you liked it! And I'm also glad you thought I kept the relationship between Draco and Astoria rather believable.
Also, thank you for the CC. I really do need to get back to this story and edit it or have it beta'd because Nano can do wonders. I'll try to keep an eye out for those two things you've pointed out.
Again, thanks for the review! I really do appreciate it!
-Manno Report Review
Hey here from team bronze!!
I think this have a very calculating and precise use of language that I really found intriguing... almost clinical. I really liked the feel of it. The progression of this fic was well paced and very natural feeling. The interaction between your characters felt very raw and organic, which I loved.
Annnd Draco/Astoria is golden. So happy to see you writing them. Great job!!Author's Response: To get such a review from you makes me want to squee because you're such an awesome author! Really! Thank you so much for all the compliments! And it really is good to see that there are people who like Draco/Astoria as they really are growing on me!
And go team bronze!!!
Thank you so much for the review!
-Manno Report Review
I love how you describe "that spark that keeps you going." It's really insightful. When something bad happens, that spark becomes a lot less dependable. I've never heard it described in this way, and it struck a chord.
The way you characterize Astoria and Draco is perfect and completely believable. I love how Draco struggles with himself throughout the fanfic, learning to cope with his new social position after the war. The transformation was gradual and didn't feel rushed at all. I think that's really hard to do, especially in a one-shot.
I've never read a Draco/Astoria fanfic, but now I'm excited to find others. This was very beautifully written!
AetherAuthor's Response: Oooh! Thank you for this review; it really made me smile! And it really is good to hear that you think the pacing is fine; I usually have problems with that!
I had only read one Draco/Astoria story before writing this one but I love them, and I'm not really sure why! I think I need to find more stories about them too!
Again! Thanks a lot for the review!
-Manno Report Review
Perelandra here from the forums with your review. Sorry it has taken me a while, but RL got in the way.
The first thing I spotted was that the flow of your story. It seemed very choppy to me due to the lack of full stops and large amounts of commas.
For example, the paragraph "Astoria, who was not really listening..." is one whole sentence. Also, the one thing that I would CC on is the lack of detail and imagery. You have narrative down but lack on the detail side.
Characterization: was definitely believable. Draco after the war is an interesting person due to his own feelings/thoughts. He's usually conflicted between the new changes and what he was raised to believe. Astoria here is great as well! She's always portrayed as the voice of reason.
Anyway, I see that you said that this is a NaNo project, and that there could be mistakes. I hope you're able to go back to it and edit it. :)
Sorry if this is a super short review. I'm at work and since its a Saturday, I really cannot be here for long.
Thanks for requesting!
--PerelandraAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for leaving this review. I really was worried about the characterisation, so it's quite a relief you think I've done fine. As for detail and imagery, they're in fact on the top of list of things I need to work on, and if I ever come back to edit this one-shot, I'll try to fix that aspect.
Again, thank you! Report Review
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