Now i can say i've read this whole thing and i'm really glad i have. This is absolutely fantastic and i love the details and the descriptions you have. What i really like about your style of writing is that you give such a full picture of what's going on and yet your not describing every detail and yet i feel like i know more about what things look like than if someone spent paragraphs beyond paragraphs describing the wedding. You were able to find just the right wording that got what you wanted to say quickly and to the point but it was done with really lovely language as well. That's not a skill many authors have and i'm dully impressed. ;D
I do have a bit of CC though. I suppose this may be because i'm always a little uncertain about romance's and a bit critical of them but i feel like their thing is happening so quickly. Their second meeting Lysander asked Scorp out and then now they are kissing. It almost feels like this moment they have here is the only one they've had since their meeting a month ago. Whether it is or not i don't know. It may work better though if there was more build up before the kiss even might make it smoother.
Also, i felt like it was weird how aware Lysander was of Scorpius during the wedding but then suddenly during the reception he doesn't have a presence in Lysander's calculated mind. It's only when Scorpius runs after Lysander that we see that Scorp is even at the reception and that Scoprius was at the same table even as Lysander... at least, i think he was.
On a small note and even though we haven't seen much of him, i really like how you've done Lorcan. He characteristics are really shown well in his actions and match with Lysanders own descriptions of him.
Other than that though, i really do enjoy this story. I think you've done a really nice job of it and i like the two of them as a couple. I think they work well together and I like how Scorpius takes Lysander's awkwardness in stride and isn't tripped up by it. I think Scorpius will be good for Lysander indeed.
Anyway, great job with this! I'm really pleased i was able to read this because it really has turned my view on slash couples as i believe in this couple, it isn't awkwardly written and it seems like it could potentially be real (even though i'm still weirdly suspicious of Scorpius) and i hope that there will be another chapter of it soon :D
-zayne++Author's Response: Ah, description! Thank you - I'm always afraid I'm going to go overboard or something, so please tell me if I do end up doing that. I'm really glad you like it, though. It's something I concentrate really hard on.
CC is always welcome, I assure you. And I've actually received that comment a few times: it moves a little fast in this chapter. I didn't really notice because I've sort of planned out the story in my head (and therefore everything just feels natural to me, you know?), so I'm glad that people have brought it up. I'm not going back to "fix it," but rather addressing it in the next chapter, and hopefully giving it some context so that it makes sense. I'll be interested to know what you think if you come back to read it (though no pressure!).
We see a lot more of Lorcan in the next chapter (I'm almost done writing it). Thanks for mentioning him, though! He's one of my personal favorites.
I didn't notice that disconnect - thanks for saying something, because, again, I've said something about it in the following chapter!
Thanks for the reviews! They're so long and lovely and I just cannot begin to thank you enough!
xx Rin Report Review
Ah! I'm so pleased with this you have no idea. Everything is happening so naturally and authentically which is really neat. I know i said this in my last review but i'm going to say it again because at the moment it's even truer than before. I like how their relationship is built, i like that it's not overdramatic and a lot of relational baggage here about if he's gay or not. It really shows where this story is going and how you are approaching the plot i think. I like that there is more than just their relationship that is going to drive this forward and that it seems to be a story of substance, as in, one that is going to tell you something about life.
I'm distrustful of Scorpius for some reason. I'm uncertain of his motives and his reasons behind accepting Lysander. I'm not sure why but i'm having images of him using Lysander this way in order to get what he wants later. I'm not sure why i expect the worst out of him or what hints you've given that would even point to that but there is something that makes me wonder about him and his sincerity. I do like how you've done him though, he has this easy way about him that makes me like him even though i'm wary of him.
I'm also wary of how Scorpius knew of that pub, it doesn't really seem like a place a wealthy man would even be aware of or would even visit. But maybe a broken, wealthy man would, who knows. Anyway, i'm interested in Scorpius and where he is going character-wise. I know you'll bring all that long in good time though and i think your pacing here is fantastic.
I'm very shocked that quiet, introverted, introspective Lysander had the guts to ask Scorpius out though after only their second meeting! I didn't expect that he'd get to it or that he'd sort of trail into nothing and Scorpius would have to finish it or he'd know what Lysander was asking and then ask himself or something. Perhaps though it's because he knew that he had to ask now or he wouldn't get the chance to later.
Anyway, this is a great chapter, i like how Scorpius is not with Rose! (so not a ScoRose shipper :P ) and that he's always referred to as the Ministry man. I feel like this means something for some reason... i'm probably just looking into things too much. I do really like what you have and i think your characterization is still strong and the dialogue is simply fantastic. It makes me jealous because it flows so well!
-zayne++Author's Response: Oh, thank you for coming back for the rest of the story! I was not expecting you to! Especially because you had more chapters to review than I did, anyway.
ANYWAY. Thank you for the review! I'm a little overwhelmed, to be honest, so I'll try answering as coherently as I possibly can (which won't be very coherent, I think - just a warning).
You are exactly right: there is definitely more than just their relationship that is going to drive the story forward. It's not just a romance story. It may be developing like that right now, but the coming chapters will reveal... more. About both characters. And I'm hoping that it will really, truly be a story of two men instead of just, "Oh, look! They're in a relationship! Isn't that nice?"
Ha, I could see how you could be distrustful of Scorpius, honestly. He has a certain way about him, and I'm definitely referring to him as a Ministry man on purpose - it's very intentional. I'm glad you picked up on that!
Gah, you're just seeing right through me! You insightful reader, you. Of course Scorpius wouldn't know about the pub if everything was perfect. I mean, rich man with good job in a shady pub? Yeah, not really. I'm really, really surprised you noticed, and even more pleased that you did.
Thank you so much! Your reviews are super insightful and I really appreciate them!
xx Rin Report Review
Hi Rin! I've come to make good on my word :D
I love how you've abstractly set the scene here. Unlike many stories--including some of mine--you don't just spill the whole wedding out to us, taking us carefully through the ceremony and reception. Instead, you artfully drop in little details--the color of a dress, the texture of a ribbon, the pastel, delicate feel of it all--that let us fill in the rest of it. I love the juxtaposition of the fragile little wedding with the well-loved house on the ocean shore. They're both quite tender in their own ways, and the contrast between them and Lysander's awkwardness is quite apparent in the opening.
I love that Lysander was too taken with Scorpius to continue cataloging the rest of the wedding. He didn't even get to do his three word summary of the bride! Hah. That was a good piece of fluff.
Oh my. Warmth and fluff all piled together at the end! I love how the wedding and everyone in attendance becomes total background noise for Lysander, mere faded images next to Scorpius. It's very cute how Scorpius didn't just let Lysander dive into his awkwardness and escape the tension. I sense that they'll be a good challenge for each other, which will create an interesting romance!
Lovely job! Hope this makes you smile!
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Oh you did NOT just come by with an unexpected review! You are too lovely to articulate. Bah.
I'm glad you like my fragile wedding and well-worn house! I think I was easily influenced by a homey little wedding I attended this summer, and I tried to make it sound as real and as rustic as possible.
This chapter was, I'll admit, a lot fluffier than the others. :P I'm glad you thought it was good fluff, though, and not just contrived and for the sake of being fluffy. I think he's very taken with him indeed, though I hope not in an obvious, "LET'S GET MARRIED AT ONCE" sort of way.
Your reviews are just so lovely! I don't even know that I've done it justice in responded, but I hope I have. You are just a marvelous, fantastic person, and I absolutely cannot thank you enough.
Much, much love,
Rin Report Review
Hey Rin! I'm here for our review exchange! I had half of this written out and my browser decided to be a major fail and shut down! *grumbles at annoying technology*
Anyway, back to the actual review bit! This is absolutely lovely. The writing itself is simple and smooth and your transitions are really nice. So i'm really impressed with that as it made reading this so easy and it flowed like music would. I also really appreciate you attention to detail and the imagery you provide here, it's not overbearing by any means but it really gives a feel for the rest of the story. I really liked how you described the herbologists and how they preferred the darkness and the longer you walked down the hall the darker it got. This sort of reminded me of your story itself as you mentioned that the further this story goes the darker it gets. A little foreshadowing of the things yet to come?
I'm not a usual slash reader as the ones i've come across seem badly constructed and awkwardly written that i could never believe the couple. So i have a tendency to avoid them. However, i like the start of this and how it isn't over the top and they aren't proclaiming their love for each other already. It was subtly done in Lysander's thought process and his logical assessment of Scorpius and you hit the reader finally with the idea that Lysander is indeed attracted to Scorpius by him thinking he's good looking.
I really like how you've portrayed Scorpius. He's in control, crisp, and you can tell that he has had a wealthy upbringing. That sort of mentality practically oozes from his pores. It's quite nice to see t hat his heritage is so obvious as you read this and it's great to see that his upbringing actually had an effect on who he becomes. Many authors tend to forget that and i've only read a couple of stories that really explore him in detail well.
There is a lot of mystery and foreboding as i read this first chapter because i can only imagine what foolhardy thing the Ministry is going to try and do with the plant and i wonder what tension it will bring to your story and where Lysander will stand with it all.
Great job! i'm really pleased I read this and you've done such a good job with it! (i shouldn't be surprised, you do have a nice way with words in your other stories). I am going to try and continue reading this and leave a couple other reviews for you as well!
-zayneAuthor's Response: Gah, thank you so much! You really are too lovely. I'm not quite sure how to respond because all this praise is a little hard to handle (and obviously not good for my ego, though perhaps it'll boost said ego from "nonexistence" to "a little bit of something," which maybe isn't a bad thing - rambling!).
I actually tend to avoid slash relationships as well, and for the same reason that you mentioned up there. It usually happens really quickly (and this one sort of does, but hopefully it will explain itself later), just like you said, and I feel like sometimes they're not sincere - they're just slash for the sake of slash. So thank you so, so much for saying that! I'm always concerned when I write slash, so you've completely eased my fears.
Scorpius is one of my favorites, actually. I just thought that if he came from a wealthy, well-to-do family like he did, that would be the personality he would have developed. I'm glad you agree! It's always nice to hear that some of the choices you make as the author read well with your audience.
Thank you so much for the lovely review! I really appreciate all your kind comments!
xx Rin Report Review
Okay, I'm back for part two of my review.
I feel like all the things I said in part one continue to be true. I thought the descriptions were a bit more prevalent in these two chapters, particularly when describing the pub in chapter three and the moment where Lysander is climbing the stairs in chapter four. Still, I didn't find them to be too much or too heavy-handed. I loved the way you classified the guests as they arrived as the wedding. It was a lovely touch. Same goes for the dialogue, which I bring up again since it was an area of concern you listed. Once again, I thought it was very natural and a good extension of the style you're using in this piece. And even though he only had a few "lines" in chapter four, I continue to like the voice you've given Lorcan. I think he reads most natural of all the characters.
For the most part, I'm finding the mechanics of the writing to be well balanced and well crafted. As with the alternatives for said I mentioned in the last review, I'd would make two small mechanic-related suggestions. First, I'd be careful not to use too many "soft" words like slightly and barely. It's not just that they are adverbs, which can be hit or miss at times, but because their very meaning dampens what else you are saying. If someone smiles slightly, they are smiling but not really. That isn't as telling as saying that someone is flashing a coy smile (which implies a flirtatious nature) or a smile that doesn't reach their eyes (implying that it's not genuine). It's not that these types of words don't have their place, but I'd just watch out you don't over use them. I'm constantly finding them worming their way into my chapters, which is the only reason I noticed them here. Second, and this isn't really CC, just an observation. I noticed you use a lot of phrases to describe Lysander: the scientist, the herbologist, the Scamander, the twin. There is nothing wrong with that, which is why this isn't CC, but traditionally, using phrases like that creates distance between a reader and a character. I wasn't sure if you were going for that or not so I just thought I'd point that out.
As for the story itself, I'm really enjoying it. I like your Lysander a lot and your Scorpius and I *really* like them as a couple. I'm already cheering for Lysander to come out of his shell a bit and for Scorpius to be the one to help do it. I also haven't forgotten about Scorpius' secret need for those plants and I'm curious as to what that's all about.
That said, I did feel like that in these two chapters, the relationship did move a little fast for me. I guess I'm more of a fan of building tension in a new relationship but the pair seems so at ease so quickly that it lacks a little of the will they/won't they fun. But even aside from that, because that's obviously not needed in every romance story, I was surprised based on the way you've depicted Lysander so far (as awkward, as stuck in his head, as not open with his feelings, at least to his brother) that he was so forthcoming with his feelings to Scorpius in chapter three. He hardly knows Scorpius yet, and though attraction can develop in seconds, intimacy usually takes more time. I like his frankness in inviting him to the wedding. That felt natural for me; he did a calculation in his head and the risk/reward ratio told him to go for it, so he did. But admitting to the jealousy was surprising to me. And I would have loved if the conversation before the kiss had been longer. I feel link in total, the pair haven't talked for more than twenty minutes and yet here they are kissing -- unless they saw each other between the pub and the wedding, but I didn't notice a references to that. I like them a LOT and have no problem with the story jumping in with both feet, but I would have loved to have seen a bit more interplay between the two -- that is actually a very long-winded compliment. If I didn't like the characters, I certainly wouldn't want to read more about them!
Well, I hope I've been able to offer some helpful feedback. I think you've got a great story going here and if you're interested in another review on it sometime, I'd be happy to oblige. Thanks for the request. I'm really glad I got the excuse to read this :)Author's Response: Thanks again for the reviews! I'll try and do them justice with thorough responses. And again, I'm going to try and tackle this point-by-point.
Lorcan! I'm so, so pleased you've mentioned Lorcan. I'm always sort of worried about how he comes off because we don't get to see much of him.
I've never even noticed the "soft" words you mentioned, actually, so I'm thrilled that you've pointed them out. I suppose it's something that I don't really think about when I'm writing, and I'm actually really trying to cut down on my adverbs (and sometimes failing, in that respect). Those are definitely some lines/phrases that I'll look at when I go through these chapters again.
And in terms of the phrases used to describe Lysander, I was actually writing those on purpose. I found that saying "he" over and over again was getting tiresome, so I just went ahead and made the stylistic choice to use different phrases for him. I can understand the distance that might create, but I think that's a risk I'm willing to take in this case.
I can understand how you could see the relationship moving a bit fast, and now I'm sort of regretting the fact that I don't have a chapter in between the pub and the wedding. Perhaps, in the coming chapter, I'll mention some history between the two of them that would've happened unseen between the two chapters. We'll see. I'm wondering now about the best way to go about fixing that, actually (if you have any suggestions, I'd love a PM, or something).
Thanks again for the lovely reviews! Your feedback is massively helpful and appreciated.
xx Rin Report Review
Greetings, Rin. I am here to fill your review request. I've read through the first two chapters and will cover them here before R&R-ing the next two chapters.
There isn't too much to cover via your areas of concern but I'll start there anyway and then move on to some general comments. First, the dialogue. Across both chapters, I thought the dialogue was very strong. It didn't feel unnatural at all and I thought it fit well with the general tone of the story. I think the back-and-forth between the brothers in chapter two was particularly well done. I thought there was a more noticeable contrast in the way the two characters spoke. It might have been nicer to see a stronger, more distinguishable way of speaking with Scorpius, but as we only met him briefly and it was a first introduction, I'm sure that will come with time. The banter between Lorcan and Lysander was great. I loved the bit about "how many guesses" and Lorcan telling Lysander he's "in a rut." You really used the characters' own words to say something about who they are and their relationship to one another. The only dialogue-related CC I would offer is to be careful not to go overboard with alternative words for said. It's not a problem for some readers but others can find it distracting (myself included). In chapter one, for example, you only used "said" twice, but there was a long string of alternatives (5 or more) all in a row. Obviously using "said" a thousand times can be even *more* distracting, but I think burnout like that is more from people using too many dialogue tags/identifying the speaker when not needed, then because the author failed to use an appropriate array of alternatives.
Description -- I thought this too was fine. I didn't find it overly floral or too poetic at all -- and I am really not a big fan of lyrical writing, so a little goes a very long way for me. The descriptions don't feel too heavy for the story; they enhance it instead of weighing it down. There was a lot you didn't describe, which works as a nice balance for the things you described more in detail. I particularly liked all of the rain-related bits at the start of chapter two. I really liked how you tied it into the blinds being left open, the brief encounter with the coworker, etc. It served a function as well as set a mood. IMHO, description is at its best when it serves multiple functions and I think you've hit on that perfectly.
Just a few other thoughts and comments before I continue on reading. I really like the character of Lysander so far. He is unusual, but in all the best ways. He has an actual personality, and not all of it is completely... I'm not really sure the right word here... relatable? Flattering? He comes across as a bit of an odd duck, maybe a loner. I can't tell yet if he is just quirky or if he actually has some sort of condition that compels him to count. Either way, it makes him distinctive and likable, not the traditional narrator, who is often meant to be a stand-in or placeholder for the readers to see themselves in. Anyway, I really like the choices you've made with him thus far. And I loved the references to him leaving the window open and bringing home some of the plants. Even without your explanation of the latter, I knew right away these were very small, maybe unconscious signs that Scorpius has already begun to creep into his life.
There were two small things I had questions on -- not really CC, but maybe just points of interest. First, I didn't really get the paragraph in chapter one that starts "But Tuesday was wrong..." More specifically, the part about "went unnoticed" and "without Lysander gazing after him." He *did* notice, didn't he? Isn't that the point? I like the part where you say it *should* have halted -- indicating this is an important moment even though it's small -- but I don't see where the "it didn't happen" part fits in. Also, in chapter two, you say at the start that it's been raining for three days, which left me thinking three days had passed since Scorpius left. But then Lysander tells Lorcan the plants are a week old, so I'm guessing it's actually been a week...? It might help to clarify the time passage a bit better, unless I just missed it somewhere, which is always possible.
Overall, I think this story is off to a great start. I'm a big fan of non-traditional pairings and the next-gen post-Hogwarts years so this is all sorts of up my alley. And *sigh* Your banner. Is there a man in the world more gorgeous than Michael Fassbender. Clearly, I don't think so, since I used him on my own banner! I'm really glad you posted in my thread. I'm off to read chapters 3 and 4 now.Author's Response: Obviously Michael Fassbender is just gorgeous. We could swoon over him all day! Gah.
Anyway, your reviews have been extraordinarily helpful! I love that your critique is solid and straightforward: you don't make it fluffy, and you don't crush all my dreams. If that makes sense. I really cannot express how much I appreciate it. I've made myself a little sticky with some of the notes you mentioned, and I think I'll go back and work on all the little tidbits you included.
I'm going to try and tackle your points of interests one-by-one, because I'd really like to give this a proper response.
I think it's been ingrained in me by English teachers and the like to never, ever use the word "said" when I'm writing, but I just read Stephen King's memoir and you're completely right: the use of alternatives for said can be just as distracting and oppressive as the repetition of "said" itself. That's my number one thing on my list to fix when I go back through and edit these chapters, so thanks for pointing it out.
I am glad you liked their banter, though; dialogue is easily the hardest thing for me to write (at least good dialogue, anyway).
I'm also really pleased that you like my Lysander. You're right: he's definitely an odd duck, but I hope that it's not written in such a way that it screams, "look at my character! He's so different!" Because that, in my mind, is almost just as bad as cliches themselves.
To be honest with you, I've always sort of disliked that paragraph (the Tuesday one that you mentioned). It was sort of awkward and I didn't really know where it was going while I was writing that. I'm glad you've pointed it out because it gives me a chance to retool it, and I'm so glad you were specific, too, because I now know exactly what to fix.
And I'll also go back and clarify the passage of time - thanks again for mentioning it.
Anyway, thank you so much (again)! Your comments are extremely helpful and I cannot begin to thank you enough. You've provided a lot of much-needed insight.
xx Rin Report Review
I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO TYPE FOR ALL THE FEELS WELLING UP WITHIN ME. ♥ Normally I'd like to comment on things in the order that they appear in the story. Nope, not today, because LYSANDER KISSED SCORPIUS, and, perhaps more importantly, SCORPIUS DID NOT REJECT LYSANDER'S KISS. This is one of those times where I cannot accurately convey my reaction to something I've read; there were lots of flailing hand gestures and a squeal or two on this end, let me tell you. I am so, so, so happy that their relationship (I'll give it that most momentous of words) is progressing thus. They kissed!!
Whew. Okay. After all my screaming and whatnot, I am going to make attempts at writing coherent bits to the rest of this review, though I suspect it will be difficult. :) I'm floating on clouds in this moment.
I think one of the best things about this chapter in particular is how fantastic your use of color is. You write all your descriptions so well, but the colors were what really stuck out to me here, especially when describing both Lysander's boutonniere and the ocean vista he got married beside. Perhaps it's not an intentional thing, and perhaps it is, but in my mind that's what separates Lorcan from his brother: He's more colorful, more vibrant. And against him, Scorpius and Lysander's relationship is sort of black and white against all that heliotrope imagery. (I'm probably way off on that, but I see a lot of colors when I'm reading; my mind calls up certain color schemes for certain books and fan fictions.)
This was fantastic, Rin. FANTASTIC. ♥ And I'm really sorry that it's taken me so long to getting around to reviewing this, too! I will try and be much more speedy on your next update, whenever that may be. I can't wait for it!!Author's Response: HOW DO I RESPOND TO THIS? /flails
Gah, thank you! I tried to make their relationship as natural (and kind of slow, if you know what I mean) as possible. I'm glad you like it, and it makes me ridiculously happy that you're reacting the way you are! :P
Do you SEE why I was so excited for you to read this chapter?!
Ooh, somebody mentioned the colors! You're definitely not imagining things. I don't know why, but I had an unusual focus on different shades here. Even the chapter title is color. Overboard? Maybe. Anyway, I'm actually super pleased that you picked up on that! And you're right: Lorcan is definitely supposed to be more colorful than his brother.
Aww, you are so sweet! Thank you so much for dropping by to review this! It means a lot. You are 100% lovely/lovable/loved.
xx Rin Report Review
This was everything perfect in the world, plus so much more ♥
THEY KISSED. AHH. SO happy right now! And, and, 'warmth'. ♥ this is the cutest moment in all of the history of fanfiction forever until eternity! My heart kind of stopped when Scorpius hadn't moved an inch. And I breathed again when he said do it again! I loved that this was so fast paced - I can't actually believe he made the first step and dived right in there. I guess because Lysander is quite cut off, as we've mentioned before, with his methodical way of thinking, when he does do something I expect it to be justified and explained. But he totally just acted with his heart right here! I think that's what makes this moment so much more powerful, and what makes him such an exciting and likable character!
It was really great to take a step away from his apartment/the ministry/the city and have a setting that is fresh and breezy and just somewhere that acts as a catalyst. Saying that though, it is so typical of Lysander (and you, guiding his adorably-deceptive scientific brain processes!) not to have mentioned any feelings of love or attraction or anything before this kiss. All we see is that he seeks him out at the alter, and, and, and he recognises his voice and, OH, just, the little things that reinforce familiarity with these two. Must be the sea air! And, Lysander acts so surprisingly compulsively here too - I feel like every time I read a new chapter there are 100 more sides I see to him each time. I adored the image of him semi-dozing in the chair. It was so lovely. HE is so lovely. You manage to make everything so real with your descriptions, like, the way he'd blink a lot after being woken up, and the way he'd talk ever so politely, like, 'I can't see who you are exactly!' and just oh a million things, really. You really flesh him out in such a fantastic way. I don't think I'm being coherent again, though. This always seems to happen when I read this.
And, Rin, your descriptions in this chapter were SO mesmerising and beautiful and just WOW. I got this really rustic picture of the wedding. Rough around the edges but in a way that reminds you how delicate and beautiful the moment is. After all of this, it makes me wonder all the more about Lorcan, too. I think he must be kinda happy with the wedding - it seems he's made sure it all looks wonderful :) (oh, crap, I digressed again - ok, descriptions) And, yes, where was I?, everything, every tiny and brilliantly big thing you describe just comes across as amazing and intricate. Like, 'only the immense, ivory moon lit his path.' IMMENSE IVORY. I would have just called it the moon, but you make everything just so pretty and perfect and real! I know I've said it millions and trillions and I probably always will keep saying it billions and jillions, but I love your writing style so much ♥ It's so effective, so careful and so, so readable. Everything, from the first encapsulating line (the stationary boulder in a sea of tempestuous water) to the last fleeting word ('warmth' ♥ ♥ ♥) - it's all crafted so brilliantly. You should be constantly proud and amazed with yourself, and not only just with this chapter, but with everything you write. Your writing is so distinct and just so gentle and bold at the same time. So much Rin writing love right now!
Thank you ever so much for mentioning me in the authors note - that is so, so sweet of you! It makes me so happy to think I'm helping you with this, even if all I'm doing is getting stupidly overexcited by every chapter :D and thank you also for updating so quickly! I hope this review also gives you a little boost and makes you re-fall in love with this story, because it is kind of wonderful :}
Lots and lots and lots of love,
Laura xAuthor's Response: OH MY GOSH LAURA where do I even begin? Let me just start by saying that I was looking forward to you reading this chapter because I hope (HOPE) it was sort of what you wanted and I was writing it with you in mind (like I said, your last review just did wonders for my enthusiasm). Gah. So much love. So much gushy love. Cannot even... function... properly.
Thank you for mentioning my little sleepy seaside town! I was just thinking that it would be a lot more fun to romp around in than the dreary old city (and we've seen far too much of that already, haven't we?). I had such a vivid picture when I was writing it; I'm really pleased that it seems to have come across to you!
I was actually really worried about not straight-out mentioning any attraction between them before they actually kissed, I cannot even tell you. But I tried to be vague: seeking out in the crowd, and all that. I hope it was OK. I'm certainly glad that you seem to think so!
Baha, you're being plenty coherent! I was beaming the entire time I was reading this - just beaming. You should know that.
I'm super, super happy that you liked the wedding scene. It's sort of hard to describe a wedding when I haven't been to one in so long, so I hope all the details were OK.
GAH THANK YOU SO MUCH. I just cannot even comprehend comments on my style, especially coming from you. They completely melt my heart. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I like to think it's something I've been working at for the better part of five years. :P
Oh, you're definitely helping, dear! I cannot even begin to tell you how excited you make me about my own story. You've been a vehement supporter since day one and I absolutely cannot thank you enough.
Love reciprocated fully,
xx Report Review
That is about all the coherence you're going to get out of me, I'm afraid. I'm not in a very eloquent mood anyway, and all this chapter has made me want to do is squee. It's like reading marshmallow, in a way, except you do give it a LOT more depth and feeling that there would be in a marshmallow.
You write them both so well. Actually, you just write so well full stop, and I really wish I had your talent. I love the little bits of deeper characterisation that you give Lysander. He could be a one note character who is defined by the fact that he is the forgotten one, but he's more than that.
Must fly, Dr Who is on. This was incredible, and I will always be your cheer leader.Author's Response: Oh, Becca! Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to read! It really means a lot to me.
I like that you've referred to it as a marshmallow with depth. It's a great mental image, if nothing else. :P
Guhhh, thank you so much! I have no articulate way to say thank you like I want to! You are absolutely lovely and I love you and I just cannot even... fathom your compliments!
Gah. Thank you for being the best ever cheer-a-leader.
xx Report Review
First review! Yay! :)
I'm practically jumping up and down on my chair right now; Lysander kissed Scorpius! :D :D :D
I love how naturally their relationship develops, not just in this chapter, but in the previous ones too. There's not too much awkwardness or all that "am I gay, are you gay" fussing, which is actually a great relief. Things just... happen. Smoothly, too.
Lysander's relationship with his brother is very interesting too as it's not your typical twin relationship. It's depicted in a very natural way and this is probably why it comes off as very real, especially the inferiority Lysander feels next to his brother.
I don't know if I can describe how much I love your writing style. The slightly gloomy and yet dream-like imagery, the attention to detail, those characteristics of Lysander that make him a real person and not just a fictional character... Come to that, it just dawned on me that the greatest appeal of this story is the fact that it's written from the viewpoint of an introvert. The mind of an introvert, a loner, someone socially inept, is always the most interesting place to explore, haha! Probably because they tend to pay attention to all the awkward stuff that everyone else tries to ignore! I love how uncomfortable Lysander feels around people, I can easily relate to that! But maybe this is why he's so drawn to Scorpius, because he seems to be so much more at ease? Just a thought.
I think I'll spare you and stop rambling now.
Just one last thing: "In the bustle of activity, of excitement and movement, Lysander had begun to consider himself the stationary boulder in a sea of tempestuous water." I simply fell in love with this sentence! :3Author's Response: Aww, thank you so much! This review is so unexpected and I'm absolutely thrilled you've left it!
Gah, thank you so much for commenting on their developing relationship. I always feel like that's a difficult thing to execute: how fast should it go? How awkward should I make it? There are so many little niggling things that are very, very hard to decide upon, so I'm glad you think it's natural and smooth! Honestly, I'm over the moon about that comment.
I think compliments on writing are just... the highest a writer can receive. So thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm glad the imagery doesn't get too saturated with gloom, if you know what I mean. And I'm very pleased you like my attention to detail (though that's more Lysander's attention, I suppose).
Thank you so much, again, for the review! It's completely made my day. :)
xx Rin Report Review
Hey, Rinny Din Din, I'm here with your requested review!
First of all, I don't know why you don't like this chapter as it's one of the better introductory chapters I've read in a good long while. The flow was very fluid, each event transitioning smoothly into the other. Nothing felt too rushed or too overstretched, but rather just right. Lysander's internal monologue didn't go on for ages and ages, which is a blessing. And I loved how he was making all of those little observations about the people he came into contact with - it was very Sherlock to me, haha.
As far as characterization goes, I feel like you presented each of them in a way that we know a decent amount about them to want to continue onto the next chapter (which I'll certainly be doing) without giving too much away. There's still intrigue; I want to know more about them as well as why the Ministry is so keen on this shrivelfig business.
Personally, I loved the general air of Scorpius. He wasn't overwhelming charming, but I still felt charmed by him and liked him, which is sometimes hard for me to do as I'm a bit biased against his character. But from what I've seen, your Scorpius is much different than what the fandom tends to lean towards and that's not only refreshing, it's awesome.
This entire chapter was awesome and I can't wait to read more!Author's Response: Oh, thank you! That's very flattering.
Gah, this chapter. I dunno, maybe it's because I like the chapters after it a bit more. I think the writing gets better as it goes on, at least in my opinion. That being said, I'm really pleased that you like it!
Ha, I'm glad that Lysander's monologue didn't go on for too long. That's always a hard thing to balance.
I cannot even tell you how pleased I am that you like Scorpius! That was exactly how I wanted him to come off: charming.
Thank you so much for the review! Perhaps I'll swing by your lovely topic and rerequest!
Rin Report Review
A Belated Review for a Beautiful Rin!
Okay, so now that I gave you your sensible feedback via pm the other week, I can legitimately FREAK OUT with excitement over this chapter in this review and rewrite the whole thing with AHHH's in between! First of all though I am SO SORRY it took me forever and a day to get round to posting on here. I forgot to do it before I went on holiday, and then I was going to do it ON holiday but I only had my rubbish iPhone screen so I HAD TO WAIT :( but here I am!
I honestly thought that meeting Scorpius and really having them chatting would be a little more drawn out than this, but I am SO GLAD it's not. This is perfect. Brilliant timing and the best way ever to poke this story along :) They are just too insanely cute. They're both antisocial dorks getting drunk in an antisocial dorky pub and I'm happy this is by no means cliche/too over-dramatic right now. You could have made this all unrequited and everything, where they never talk ever again but I'm glad that they are talking and have the opportunity to know each other! I'm glad that Scorpius isn't too out of his league or anything, too, or doesn't think he is at least, because I just WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO BEAR THAT. SO GLAD he's not a douche. The last chapter was great in really getting to know Lysander (and he is a lovely chappy) but I feel as though in this one we know Scorpius more. Like, he's a bit brash sometimes and his confidence has got to be a facade. I kind of like that I don't like him as much as Lysander. I feel like an overprotective mother with him hahaha. But in the same way, to be drinking alone in a bar with just his thoughts - it makes me wonder if Scorpius is okay after all. And then I think of how much Lysander can SAVE HIM and I get so stupidly excited about the next chapters and how everything has got to be okayy ♥
I am so amazed and inspired too by the way you keep up the Lysander-ish tone of the narrative. Everything is very black and white and grey with Ly. Like, the way you described the sign: 'There was a shrill singing of metal on metal, a sound that was almost familiar and yet strangely unsettling'. He has to analyse the sound and liken it to something and know why it makes that noise and just think so much about everything. There are so many bits like this that you include that just make me think 'wow, how do you remember to keep this all up?'. It's really refreshing because then I feel like I'm not just reading a fanfic, I'm reading Lysander's story, full of his quirks and habits and character. It is just really lovely and really inspiring.
I really liked, too, the way Lysander had more of a voice. It was as though this confidence just blossomed out of him for some reason. He was so frank when talking to Scorpius, like when he pretty much admitted that he feels second best to his brother. Would he have normally said this? I'm glad all these fiery feelings are being voiced, even if he's unsure about them right now or maybe will be. But I suppose it's good too because he just straight out asked Scorpius to go with him to the wedding, like BAM. I was taken aback and AHH I grinned for ages. Like I said before, Lysander had the potential within him to mope but I'm so glad he's not ♥ AHH I'M SO GLAD THEY'RE GOING TOGETHER.
Though I bet you're gonna do something really mean. Like...Chapter Four: Lysander woke up and it was all a dream.
I WOULD DIE :(
Hahahaha I can't wait for the next one :'D
Laura xxxAuthor's Response: Laura, I'll let you in on a lovely little secret: your review has inspired the actual sit-down-and-write-the-bleep-out-of-this part of writing the next chapter. You are so, so marvelous, and I cannot begin to describe how motivating you are! I'm about 3/4ths of the way through it right now, and I keep checking back on this review so I'll finish it!
I'm also not quite sure how to respond. It's all just so lovely and GAH you are amazing. I guess I'll go bit-by-bit.
I'm so glad it's not cliche/over dramatic! That was a big concern - obviously I wanted the two to talk, but I didn't want it to be like "SO I'M GAY AND WOULD LIKE TO DATE YOU NOW." And in my head, Scorpius is a lot more confident and good-looking than Lysander is, but that doesn't make him arrogant or out of Lysander's league. I'm glad you like that, too!
I'm actually really pleased that you don't like Scorpius as much as Lysander! I think you're almost not supposed to - Lysander is the main character, in my eyes, and Scorpius is there to mix things up (either in a bad way or a good way, we'll see).
Ha, yes, Lysander definitely has to analyze absolutely everything, even the sound of metal on metal. In terms of "keeping it up," it's really just the style I'm used to with this novel - before I start writing anything, I'll read a few chapters before it and get myself as comfortably as possible into Lysander's head, and then the analyzing bits normally come naturally. Normally.
YOU UNDERSTAND LYSANDER SO WELL it just kills me. In a good way, of course. Gah. I admire your perceptive powers, m'dear.
Ha, I wouldn't be that mean! All a dream. That's definitely a cop-out. :P
All my love,
Rin Report Review
HE ASKED HIM TO THE WEDDING - that's freaking adorable, and aww I'm such a sap, aren't I? :p Scorpius said yes to the offer! Lysander and his lists, too - the percentage and everything, and the little side-comments were so funny. I actually see how he and Lorcan are twins, now. I love how we saw the title finally come in this chapter - I was wondering why it was called such a lovely name.
The pub's little - ugh, what do you call it again (forgive me, I always forget the little things) - slogan made me smile sadly a bit, though I'm still pretty happy about Lysander and Scorpius going to the wedding together. Nice convincing Scorpius to go with you, Lysander ;) Dressing-up and the drinks are always good reasons to go to a wedding after all.
In all of these three chapters, I did not see a single mistake, so well done! I am usually so picky about these things, even silly things like commas and all that weird stuff, but nope! Your story is absolutely spotless, completely flawless and I can't wait to see where the whole thing is going. If it's as good as these chapters, then it's bound to be amazing ;) Bravo!
--LinnAuthor's Response: Oh, you like the title (or, that's what I'm gathering, anyway, from "lovely name")! I was struggling trying to name it, and finally I just went with the first name of a pub that I could create. So there you go. :P
Dressing up and drinking are always a good reason to go to anything, at least in his (fictional) opinion.
Yay, no mistakes! It takes me forever to write a chapter because I have several, several, several drafts. So hopefully the finished product is really as error-less as it should be.
Thanks for your lovely reviews! They completely made my week.
xx Rin Report Review
I might have liked this chapter even more than the first one, and I really did like the first one, so that's certainly saying something ;) I loved Lorcan! Gosh, he's so... gah, what's the word for it? Ah, adorable! Yes, he's adorable and funny and sweet and completely adds a bit of brightness to Lysander and his... gloominess (we know what can cheer him up, though) ;)
I'm glad to actually have an explanation for the lists Lysander keeps making in his head though :p While I do adore him and his character, and think that he is very smart indeed, it was still an explanation and I do like those. You're defying every single cliche in the book while writing this, and you're doing so gosh darn well - Lorcan's getting married to a Muggle! I want to meet her. I hope we do, sometime in this story.
While I was so disappointed not to have any Scorpius in this chapter - what can I say, I've taken a liking to him even after only one chapter - I still loved everything. Engaged was said five whole times in this chapter, mostly by Lysander and his disbelief, and for some reason, I find that utterly hilarious. I'm weird, I know. Aww... he took three of the plants home! That's just... gah, I'm speechless.
See you on the next chapter!
--LinnAuthor's Response: Thanks again for your reviews! I just can't get over how lovely they are.
Lorcan! I needed a counterpart to Lysander, somebody who was obviously a twin but definitely different. I'm glad you like him (and I'm saying "glad" a lot too, now)! I'm especially glad (see?) that you think he's sweet as opposed to obnoxious. That was sort of a fine line for me to walk while I was writing him.
Oh, wow, defying cliches? Thank you! That was quite an unexpected (and appreciated) compliment.
Yes, you will get to feet the fiance! The next chapter, I think. OR maybe the one after that. Anyway, you'll meet her (if only briefly). I don't know how much of a role she'll play in the chapter, but she'll be there for a little while.
Anyway, thank you again!
xx Rin Report Review
Hello, there! I'm here for TGS' Review Exchange, and can I just say that I must have been lucky enough to snag such a good story! :P I don't know what expectations I might have had when I first read your summary, but you exceeded every single one of them :)
I don't often read slash, if not for the mere fact that I don't seem to find absolutely excellent ones very often, but I regret not searching more, because yours is one of those excellent ones! You have a way with words - your descriptions skills make me feel like I'm actually there with Lysander, and the way he thinks is so unique, if that even makes any sense at all.
I do loved the way he tried to stick Scorpius into a list of words - of course, no human being can fit into a list perfectly, but Lysander's evidence added some humour to a mostly serious piece :) This was a very interesting concept, not to mention a brilliant idea, and I'm glad you made a whole story out of it. I don't often see stories set after Hogwarts, not to mention characters at their jobs, but even if this is only the first chapter I can already tell that Lysander and Scorpius' jobs fit their characters quite well.
All in all, even though this was a little bit short, it was definitely a good introduction to what seems to be an awe-inspiring story, and while I'm new to this (and don't know whether to review the next chapters or not, but I will just to be on the safe side) I'm glad I found a good story in the middle of it all :)
--LinnAuthor's Response: Oh, wow, thank you! So much praise and I'm not quite sure how to respond appropriately! Maybe I can just continue to drool all over my keyboard as a response; I'd be fine with that.
The whole list concept was a little nebulous at first to me, and I was almost afraid that it would chop up the flow and be terrible, etc, etc. That being said, I'm really glad you like it! I think it makes him more of a calculating scientist, if you catch my drift.
I'm also really pleased that you like their jobs, because at first I was unsure where I would stick the two (Scorpius especially). It sort of fell into place, though, and I'm glad that place was the right one.
Oh, yeah, very short. Well, short-ish. I'm really terrible at writing long chapters, to be honest.
Thanks again for your praise! I cannot thank you enough.
xx Rin Report Review
So, it's me. Again. And just as in(s)ane as before.
He- he- he ASKED SCORPIUS OUT OMG THAT'S MADE MY DAY
Sorry. Anyway. I really don't have anything concrete or in any way useful to say really, just that as an utter introvert myself with a far more gregarious brother I can totally relate to your Lysander.
And we finally learned what Magnolia Street is! Although my first thoughts about it were "It's a bit American, isn't it?" I mean, not enough to break the suspension of disbelief or anything, but... I don't know. Ignore this paragraph. It's just an aesthetic thing and not really important at all.
Anyways, you are a fantastic author, and I just thought I'd remind you of that. I did warn you I was inane. :DAuthor's Response: I would actually really love to learn how Magnolia Street turned American, as it turns out. Obviously I'm not British myself (as you've so keenly noticed), so any advice about the British-ness of Magnolia Street would be super (a PM on the forums, if you'd like - if not, don't worry about it). I had a few other British friends look over it, but they couldn't find anything glaring. You obviously did, though, and I'd love to know where I went wrong. :)
Haha, yes! He did ask him out! And the wedding is the next chapter, actually, and I'm right in the middle of writing it. It's coming soon, though.
Oh, thank you! That is an absolutely fantastic compliment.
Anyway, thank you for the lovely review! And like I said, I'd love to learn how I could turn it a bit more British, because I would hate to have it be a little off-putting, or something.
xx Rin Report Review
Hi, it's me again, unfortunately for you, and I can't eat all day and I really like this fic and therefore I will sound more inane/insane than usual. Sorry.
So I was left smiling - well, considering my personal appearance, probably grinning like a demon from Hell, but anyway - after this chapter, despite or maybe because of the general loneliness and slight not-OK-with-being-lonely-ness of Lysander. I love that way of putting it, by the way.
I like Lorcan almost as much as Lysander - despite or maybe because of his questionable treatment of his fiancee - and that note was funny as hell, as was the you-love-me-because-you're-related-to-me smile - don't we all have a relative like that? Your hyphenated words are so much fun. (That's the weirdest compliment I've given anyone all summer. Well done.)
Oh and by the way, I can't wait for the elusive Mr Malfoy to show up again, but I guess I'll have to wait and see, won't I?Author's Response: Aw, thanks for stopping by! Your reviews mean a lot to me.
Gah, thanks. I was almost afraid of that statement, the slightly-not-OK-with-being-lonely, because I thought it was kind of a mouthful. I'm glad you liked it, though.
Somebody finally mentioned the note! I love that note. If I had a favorite thing in this whole chapter, it would be that note. Despite the archives giving me centering problems, I think it worked out quite nicely. Thank you for saying something.
Oh, don't worry - he'll come up! Next chapter, as you must have discovered as you read on. And there's going to be a lot more of him, too. Don't you worry.
Thanks for the review! I really appreciate it.
xx Rin Report Review
Hi Rin! I'm here with another requested review :)
It's nice to see the meaning of the title enter in during this chapter. I can see that this unassuming little place is going to be important to the plot!
I really like the exchange between Lysander and Scorpius - they're both sort of awkward with one another, but in different ways. They both seem very perceptive of one another, and while on the one hand it has an unlikely feel because they only know one another so well (less so for Lysander, given his observational sort of personality), I feel like it speaks to the things they have in common. I love Lysander's rumination on his chances of getting Scorpius to attend the wedding with him. I also love how the invitation occurs so naturally - there's no fuss over is he or isn't he gay, is he or isn't he interested; it just happens, and it just is. It creates this beautiful contrast with all of Lysander's meticulousness and anxiety. If there's anything missing here, it's that I'd love to get a better sense of who Scorpius is, and how he is different from and similar to Lysander. I trust that's coming, though, so please don't feel that I'm rushing you! Haha.
I really, really like the dialogue, too. Again, I think it speaks to the way Scorpius and Lysander interact naturally in their awkwardness, juxtaposed with those initial meeting jitters. My sense is that it's not supposed to sound perfect or informal, and I think that makes this story unique, so I wouldn't get rid of it. It seems to fit the characters well.
Overall, this is very nice and still holds my interest. I'm always happy to see you re-request. I love the way the imagery is folded into the main plot - that line about the rainwater looking like clear veins was really beautiful and set the scene for me. I'm not seeing any technical mistakes, obviously, and I think the story (and ship) continues to flow smoothly.
Great work! I hope this review is helpful :)
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Thank you!! Your reviews are always extremely nice to receive, and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate them. I love hearing your feedback because it lets me know if I'm going in the right direction, etc.
The pub is definitely going to be more important to the plot! I'm actually really pleased that you picked up on that.
Your perceptions of Lysander and Scorpius are just... gah, I cannot even tell you. They really warmed my heart, because it was the exact sort of impression I hoped to give off while I was writing them. You're absolutely right - I think they both understand the other, but in different ways. And trying to write the invitation was such a struggle, because on the one hand, I wanted it to be this sort of awkward exchange, but it ended up interfering with the storytelling and overall arc of the chapter. I'm glad you think it's natural - that was my main goal while trying to weave it in.
Oh yes, more Scorpius is definitely to come. I can certainly see how we're still missing parts of him, and those holes in his character are going to be fleshed out in the next two chapters (I think).
The rainwater veins! I am absolutely thrilled that you liked that, because it was actually a last minute add-in to beef up that paragraph, a bit.
Again, thank you so much for your review! It means the world to me, and I always find your feedback extraordinarily helpful.
xx Rin Report Review
This is lovely. Really, really lovely. I know I've told you so many times that I love your style of writing but I shall just reiterate it. It really is beautiful, and it's the kind of effortless prose that I wish I could write.
Lysander and Scorpius are both really well characterised - it's early on, so their characters are only starting to be portrayed, but already there's a clear sense of their respective identities. They're both very endearing too! I personally would love a Lysander type :P.
I think this is brilliant and I can't wait to see what you do with it.Author's Response: Thank you, lovely! This was exactly what I needed to hear this morning; I cannot express my appreciation enough.
I love Lysander too, honestly. :P There's something about his awkwardness that, as you said, is endearing.
Thanks again for the review! You're spectacular. Report Review
Baww! Lysander and Scorpius have a date! Although I'm not really much of a next generation person (how many times will I say that, I wonder?), and I normally ship Scorose when I do read this era, you've really got me pulling for Scorpsander over here.
There's something about Lysander's awkwardness that really just wants me to see him happy, and yet you said this story's going to get darker... and I'm nervous he won't get that happy ending. :( I still love the way he makes lists, and is so introverted -- he's got such a strong characterization, even three chapters in, and I love that. And again, I want to commend you for Scorpius just because he's not like every other Scorpius out there. And I can be sold on originality!
Your style and imagery is lovely, too -- you kept up the story's atmospheric quality really nicely here. Maybe it's weird, but I love rainy chapters. :D And, consequently, Magnolia Street was a great place to escape from the rain: Warm and smoky and crowded. I almost felt warm reading about it! One of my favorite lines about the pub (and Scorpius, really) was this:
his jubilant manner starting to drift along with the caustic smoke. -- That's such a good way of describing things. PERFECT visuals -- gahh, I'm actually a bit jealous of it! :D
I so, so enjoyed this chapter, and thank you for letting me know you'd put it up! :) I think I'll have to favorite this story, just to be absolutely sure I don't miss out on further updates. This really is one of the best next generation stories I've read -- and though that's not a terrible lot, it's still saying something! ♥Author's Response: Let me echo your sentiments here: Baw. Thank you so much for this ever-so-lovely review; your kindness never falls to amaze me.
Oh, Lysander will get happy before it gets... a little more angsty-er, I promise. The next chapter, especially, in which there is dancing and fairy lights and a little more fluff than originally intended. That being said, it does, as promised, get a little darker as it progresses, but we'll get glimpses of a glowing Lysander before that.
Ha, yes, I know you're not a Next Generation person - if I could write Hogwarts era as brilliantly as you can, I wouldn't be either - so I'm extremely pleased that you are enjoying it!
I love rainy chapters because there's something about them that just makes me want to curl up and read, which I think is perfect because, you know, it's writing. And also, I really love writing the rain: the imagery comes quite naturally and I like the way things look and feel while it's wet outside. I'm glad you like them as well, because I think the atmosphere is just so... unique.
Thank you so much! I'm absolutely ecstatic over this review - I really cannot tell you how much I appreciate it. And your compliments mean so much more because they are from a lovely and talented writer (and by this I mean, of course: you).
xx Report Review
Hi! I enjoyed this chapter as much as the first one. The descriptions of the boys running in the rain and the older ladies with plastic bags on their heads were quirky and evocative and made me laugh. The whole portrait of the street and the ordinary passers-by comes together so nicely in my head.
I love the way you have brought in Lysander's character quirk of counting steps, etc. That's a detail that really brings us closer to the character. I know I do it myself when I'm feeling nervous.
Lorcan & Lysander have a seemingly close and loving sibling relationship, so I am not sure why he doesn't yet know that Lysander is not romantically interested in women. I'm sure you will explore the history between the two brothers and why / why not they don't necessarily know everything about one another. I loved the list of Lysander's eight things that might have happened to Lorcan -- you mix comedy writing so freely with deeper emotional content, such a nice job.
...And I'd like to be a fly on the wall when Lorcan's fiancee finds out about the wizard thing -- not to mention her prospective in-laws --- heh.
Here is a bit of CC which I hope you will not find too picky: I believe the chapter title would work better as "If rain were resentful." Just a suggestion!
Looking forward to your next update!Author's Response: MARY! You are an absolute dear. And I cannot tell you how much this review means to me. You seem to have mentioned all my little insecurities and problems, and you've soothed every one of them. Thank you so, so much.
I kind of go description crazy sometimes, so I'm glad you thought this particular description was accurate. Those two little snippets actually come directly out of my travels abroad (boys/ties from England, ladies/shopping bags from Italy), so I'm just... I'm really pleased that you've noticed them. Thanks a lot.
Yes, I will definitely explore the history between Lorcan and Lysander; I think it's something that needs to be illuminated in order for the story to move forward.
I cannot tell you how tickled I am that you've mentioned Lysander's list. I was trying to be funny without going overboard, without being like, "THIS IS COMEDY NOW." So for you to say that the writing is mixed "freely" is just... gah. It's really, really nice.
That chapter title always bugged me, to be honest. :P I've actually changed it entirely now, especially because you've mentioned it (and I'm very thankful that you did). Hopefully this one is a little better (though I'm still not entirely 100% pleased with it).
Thank you for your absolutely marvelous review. They are always lovely to read. Report Review
This chapter was even better than the first -- and I did really enjoy the first, so that's saying something! :) I love the way you portray the Scamander boys, and, more importantly, they're both different, and neither are carbon copies of their mother. You really are doing next generation a favor by writing this!
One of the most interesting things, I think, is how Lysander thinks -- his list-making, his step-counting. That's so fascinating to me, for some reason. I once wrote a story about Harry where -- well, he went a bit off the deep end. It's one of my favorite things I've written, actually, but anyway, he counts his steps in that, and I'm so interested to know where you're taking that. I know you said this story gets darker as it goes; quite frankly, I adore dark stories, so I really, really, really want to know where Scorpius and Lysander and everybody else are going to end up by the end of this.
And now I have no more chapters to review! :( You've really hooked me in with this, much more than I thought you would at the first. Would you do me a favor and let me know when the third chapter is up? PM me or post in my forums review thread, or something -- I'm really curious about what's going to happen, and would love to read more. :D
Fantastic story, Rin! Thanks for being such a great review exchange partner this month! ♥Author's Response: You are just the most amazing partner ever - and the funny thing is, I think we were reviewing each other's stories at the same time because I just left a review on your third chapter of your most epic story. Anyway. You are lovely and I love you the end.
I'm actually quite thrilled that you seem to be liking this, especially because you said earlier that Next Gen wasn't really your thing (which I totally understand because, let's face it, a lot of them are a little on the overdone side).
Ha, the Scamander boys! They were hard, because I didn't want to make Lorcan a copy of his brother, and I didn't want to make Lysander a copy of his mother. I'm glad they worked out, though, because I was having a bit of a struggle while I was trying to figure out how to characterize them. And, again, you mentioning it just makes my day.
You know, I really like the way Lysander thinks too. Someone pointed out to me that he's sort of like Sherlock, and I could see the resemblance because Sherlock often thinks in little lists just like Lysander does. I think he's just a very methodical person, so counting his steps and making lists in his head just makes sense to me. I'm glad you find it fascinating, because I was almost worried that his little interludes would interrupt the flow a bit.
I will definitely let you know when the third chapter is up. Funnily enough, I actually wrote the fourth chapter and now am half way through the third chapter, which is not something I often do. Also, I have been stalking your review thread on the forums for weeks now and am always, ALWAYS never able to get any spots, so that's part of the reason I was thrilled that you were my partner this month. :3
You're amazing; thank you for the lovely, lovely reviews.
xx Rin Report Review
Hey, Rin! You were SUPER speedy in making good on your half of this month's review exchange, and now that I've responded to a few reviews and updated a story of my own, I've got a few minutes to sit down and leave you a couple of reviews on this story in turn!
I love the premise of this -- Scorpius/Lysander is a pairing I've never seen attempted, but I'm really intrigued to see how you handle it. I really want to commend you on the way you're handling Scorpius's character thus far, too, because I can actually see elements of Draco and Lucius in him. So often people seem to sort of forget his heritage, and speaking as someone who would generally prefer to read another era over next generation (though I've got nothing against it, of course), it's something that makes me want to read on!
And now I want to know about this secret Ministry project! You've already clearly set up both your plot and your characters, which is fantastic, and I love the occupation you've given Lysander, too -- it's very much something a son of Luna's might have been led to do, I think. And you yourself sound so knowledgeable about the subject! I love it when people really embed their stories into the Potterverse.
This was a great first chapter! It's really piqued my interest (something that, I'll admit, doesn't happen too often for my in next generation stories) and I'll head right on over to the second chapter to see what awaits me there. I'm so pleased we got paired up together this month! :3Author's Response: Gah, you are too lovely. I'm so, so flattered, and praise coming from an author like you is just that much more meaningful.
I totally get what you're saying about Scorpius - I think a lot of the time people see him and write him as sort of a softie, and I've got nothing against that, but I really did want to see elements of his upbringing there. I tried to do that with both characters, really. Lysander in his scientific-ness, and Scorpius with his outgoing nature and sort of hard edges, if that makes any sense. I think it goes unnoticed by a lot of people, and so I'm thrilled that you've actually picked up on it.
Herbology was just something I thought he would do really well. I mean, his father is the son of the famed Newt Scamander, so... I just thought it was the right profession for him to take. Ha, I only really sound knowledgeable because I've been gobbling up all the information on the Lexicon; I want it to sound as authentic as possible.
Thank you for your ever-so-speedy review. You are completely wonderful, and I cannot begin to thank you enough. :)
xx Rin Report Review
I thought I should stop by and review this story! And it was just so lovely! I envy your use of imagery in this chapter - it was crystal clear, and simple, which made it all the more stunning. I love that you use every day examples to paint this picture. While reading, I saw it play out in front of me without difficulty.
You've added more layers to Lysander's personality in this chapter. Usually when someone says they have guesses, I don't take them seriously. After reading eight of his, I've learned to rethink that. He's quite the intriguing fellow. Speaking of intriguing, there's Lorcan - who I happen to adore in this story. Lysander is my favourite twin, but I love how Lorcan is written here.
There's a bit of unspoken conflict when Lorcan says "We couldn't both be the scientist,". It places quite a few questions in my mind about their past relationship, and how their parents viewed them. It looks like he's a bit put off at the fact.
And why, at the end of this chapter, do I get the feeling that Lysander isn't as happy about this news as Lorcan is?
Another stunning chapter!
LiaAuthor's Response: Bah, you are just so lovely. Thank you so much. I cannot even describe how much a review means to me, especially on this story. I'm sorry for my late response - I was simply trying to formulate what I could possibly say to thank you.
Baha, I love that you love Lorcan. He was sort of difficult to write, because I couldn't decide if I wanted to make him just like his brother or different. I'm very pleased that you seem to like my interpretation of him, especially because he was a pain to try and craft.
Oh, yeah. That line. I don't think many people really noticed what he was saying, or the connotations of what he was saying. I'm very happy that you did, though; thanks for mentioning it! Yes, definitely some past conflict.
Thank you so much! You are far too kind, and I cannot possibly begin to thank you enough.
xx Rin Report Review
Hi Rin! I'm back with another requested review :)
I don't think you need to worry about Lorcan - I love him. By himself, he's interesting and gregarious. I feel like you've split Luna into two very interesting individuals, one with her happy demeanor and the other with her insight. (It makes me wonder what Rolf contributed to the equation.) I especially like the way he and Lysander interact when they're together, though - they remind me a little of the twins from Alice in Wonderland, except with slightly greater intellect and better-developed personalities.
The dialogue here is good, too. Yes, it doesn't seem totally natural, in terms of what I would expect between your two average characters, but I felt like it fit with the twin image I have of them. I liked how they seemed to be able to get at each other's thoughts and appreciate each other's quirks, like Lysander's list of why Lorcan might look different. I also found their perceptions of the meaning of 'engaged' adorable, although I was a bit surprised not to find a joke about the phone - you know, 'engaged' meaning 'busy' for Brits. ;)
Again, I like the contrast between Lorcan's impulsiveness and Lysander's calculation. I sort of pity Lorcan's Muggle fiancee, having to find out so much with the wedding so soon. Gosh, think he'll tell her beforehand or just wait for all the magical folks to show up and let her figure it out? Haha.
Nice job! I hope this review is helpful!
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Amanda! You are beyond lovely. Thank you for such a wonderful review.
I absolutely love that you've characterized the twins like the two from Alice in Wonderland - that's definitely not something I had in mind while writing it, but I can see the connection and I think it's brilliant that you've said it. Ha, yes, slightly better intellect, but still.
I really struggle with dialogue. I think a lot of authors do, actually. There's something about making them appear natural that just... bah. I struggle. That being said, thanks for easing my fears on the dialogue here. I could see how they're talking like twins, so it doesn't necessarily have to be cut-and-dry dialogue.
Thank you! I really appreciate your time and your comments. You're wonderful.
xx Rin Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection