OKAY HI ARIELLEM! It's Ac here reviewing for the improvement challenge (sorry that it's taken a fair amount of time, there was a long list and it well... it was a bit daunting so it took me a bit of time to get this way through the list). So, I'm not entirely sure whether I've ever read any of your horror/dark stuff before (have you written all that much before) so it's really different for me to see your usual style in such a different story.
And ack, I have to say I absolutely and categorically loved it and it's going to be really hard to get my critic brain on. Honestly, I lovelovelovedit - got to be one of my favourite things that you've written, honestly.
ANYWAY. Improvement. Yes. Cough. I honestly thought that the beginning sentence could have been a little stronger. I think the 'there were so many things wrong with this image...' bit sort of diluted the brutality of it all. I think that maybe you should have started with 'Naked man huddled in a corner' and make the sentences choppier and more succinct. So, cut out some of the non-functional words - for this type of writing sometimes they're almost like, well, transport. So, maybe... Arms covered in scratches, bleeding rivers. Face hidden by knees. His bruised and bloodied needs. There are bite marks on his legs. I mean, everything you need is already there its just about manipulating it to make it really brutal and to ensure that it really packs a proper punch.
I do, however, like the dialogue bit there - its so ambiguous and, when I got to the end, it wasn't what I thought he meant at all. I really liked how you omitted that information there and let it become obvious later.
I absolutely adored how you had them as separate beings having an actual conversation, of sorts, that was just all kinds of wonderful and, ackkk, I loovverredd it.
Saying that, as occasionally happens with your writing, I just wanted more . I wanted more tantalising hints about the 'Monster' and that before it all became clear, I wanted a bit more description, more of the dialogue between the two.
Another thing that I thought you could take advantage of was the clinical and straightforward way of Fredick's mind. Okay, so, '(he) knew the advantages the lyncanthrophes gained when they transformed' is, if you think about it, utterly ridiculous - they don't 'gain advantages' they take the hell over. But his scientific way of rationalising it as an 'advantage' makes perfect sense because he believes he can beat it. I'd love to see more of that - a sort of dark humour sneaking though. So, more of a scientist-type view on something that defies science. As I really loved that bit.
Agg, I just all round loved this so yes. Please write more in this genre of things - the subtly of the psychological battle (or lack of subtlety, maybe, I can't decided) was really nicely balanced out by the horror-like details at the beginning of the piece. The only other thing is I'd have liked a bit more of the... well, I say gore, I mean your pretty description at the end as a sort of cyclic thing which I always find quite wonderful.
So, I hope that was remotely helpful in some way! Basically, what I'm saying is that you should think about your sentences structures and the effect that has on the sentences. Don't be afraid to make something not entirely grammatical for the sake of effect, sometimes. Thats my main point, anyway. Thanks for entering the challenge and it was a pleasure to come read and review this! Looking forward to your second entry :)
-ACAuthor's Response: Hey Helen!!
To start this out, wow, this is a really long review, I'm glad you liked it that much. I haven't really written much mind horror (as I call it), but I am working on my piece for your challenge (as to whether or not it'll be allowed is a whole other bag of cats).
A lot of things you point out is where I didn't take advantage of the story, I think it was my fear of it not being validated that made me hang back on the brutality of it all.
Anyway, obviously my story for your contest will be of this genre, I already have most of the outline written for it and now it's just time to flesh it out. I'm going to focus on all the things you said. :) Report Review
... *Speachless* Woah. Ok. Woah. I... Love this, and the ending was like *BOOM!* Just. Woah. I absolutely adored that he tried to connect with the wolf inside of him! And I thought this was really clear and it flowed well :p Um, yeah I absolutely adored this xD The characterization was brilliant and how he acted/responded to things. Also with what you wrote it was like I knew the character but didn't you know?
Anyways, I thought all the imagery was nice too! I was able to get a clear picture of the apartment and how he lived and what not!
The ending... I thought that was a brilliant ending! I loved it xD
Mike. :DAuthor's Response: Hey! So I've seen you on the forums, I've done review swaps with you and you're always talking about werewolves and how much you like them, so when I saw you had a review thread I knew I had request this.
And I'm so glad you liked it! Thanks for such an awesome review! Report Review
Aye! This is such a flawless piece, truly!
Your flow was really good, I never stopped reading! I'm guessing it's non-chronological order? But the story! Oh gosh, the suspense and the relationship was just wow! Too many exclamations? Definitely :P
Anyways, this Frederick character was very weird, which I like, and I also liked that his relationship with this 'monster' is so different, unusual, unlike something. You're portraying this young man, this proper genius (Sherlock anyone?) who is a lycanthrope or wants to be a lycanthrope and you've done it so well!
The idea is very good and original, definitely worth the read :)
- IH, HufflepuffAuthor's Response: It's not really in non-chronological order, and thank you so much for the review! I'm glad you liked this story, and yes Frederick's character was rather odd, I agree with you. But he just thought differently from the others who were infected to become werewolves, he thought that maybe they could fight as one instead of as enemies.
Anyway, I'm glad you liked it. :) Report Review
Wow, this was an intense and incredible one shot. I think you really did a great job with the two personalities and the internal discussions. This was definitely a mental thriller. You had a lot of the characterizations of MPD, which is great because that's exactly what I imagine having the disease would be like! The only difference is the two connect at one time, and for lack of better words, communicate.
Your descriptions were perfect, I was very impressed with the way you made this piece flow.
I'm so happy I stalked over to your page, I love when a story is strong enough to really creep me out, and this definitely was!Author's Response: Thank you for such a great review! And now I feel really terrible because the review I left you was crappy at best. For the life of me I can't seem to give long reviews. :(
This has to be one of the first I've blushed at someone telling me that my story has creeped them out, and yes I was thinking of MPD when I was writing this, and a bit of Jekyll/Hyde as well.
Hello! Here for your requested review!
So, first off -- I was so excited to see that someone had posted something they termed as an 'insanity thriller' in my thread. I really cannot convey my somewhat odd love for stories like that, and it made me all the more excited to get over here and read this! And you definitely didn't disappoint. Fredrick's mindset, and the Monster within him, and how he thought he could control it... deliciously spooky. I liked the mental conversations between Fredrick's conscience, for lack of a better word, and the Monster inside of him, too. That was such an interesting way to tackle the story you wanted to tell!
The flow wasn't bad at all; it was pretty easy to tell, from one thing to the next, what was happening. I don't think you need to worry about that. ;) I do think the ending was my favorite part; at first, I was a bit shell-shocked by it... but then, I love creepy things, and I love the ending a lot more after I've had time to digest it. :D Wow!
Only thing I really saw worth mentioning:
in order to make certain that the Monster wouldn’t on the city’s people. -- I think you're missing a verb here between 'wouldn't' and 'on.'
This was such an interesting story! And it's one I might not have read otherwise, so I'm happy you decided to drop by and ask for a review on it. Thank you for requesting!Author's Response: Hey Tenth!
Insanity thriller, I'm not sure that was the right description to use for it. However, I am sick and tried. So, I'll let myself have that mistake.
As to the story itself, I'm glad you liked it, it was a bit difficult trying to get into such a character's head, and I'm also glad that the flow wasn't too horrible, it's really hard to manage the time skips. :)
Thank you for taking the time to review! Report Review
You left such a lovely review for Magnolia Street, so I thought it was only fair that I pop over here and try and leave an equally-lovely review in return!
And goodness, I am so glad I did. I think that makes me sound eighty - the word "goodness," that is - but I'll use it here in the place of overwhelming squee.
Gah. This was really good. I liked the whole originality of it. I don't read a lot of stories involving werewolves, partly because I think a lot of them are sort of cliche and overdone. But this, -this-, was gorgeous. Not only is your writing superb, but your whole direction with this story was really, really wonderful. The uniqueness was stunning, especially the mental prisons you were describing.
Stunning. I'll use that word again because I think it fits this quite well. And this line just... blew me away: "He cries, and you can almost hear the laughter ringing in his head." The juxtaposition you've created is really powerful, which is why I think it works so well.
Anyway, before I damage my keyboard by drooling all over it, know that this was a completely stunning (again!) story, and I loved every word of it. You are a very, very talented writer, and it shows.
xx RinAuthor's Response: Hello! I'm sorry for taking so long to answer this review! Honestly, I just didn't know what to say to such an amazing review other then 'I'm glad you liked it.'
and let's face it, that's a lame response. :)
But at the same time I am very glad you liked it, it's just a nice feeling to have a writer that you enjoy, enjoy one of your pieces.
Thank you for the amazing unexpected review! Report Review
To start off with the beginning really pulled me in, it really made me wonder what was going on and what would happen in your story. I really liked the description throughout this chapter and thought you did a great job with it. The flow seemed to be a little bit choppy with all the very short paragraphs but nothing too serious. I really liked the telling of the inner struggle between the human and the demon within when it comes to being a werewolf. I thought this was riveting, your description really kept me interested and hooked into the story. The story telling was wonderful as well with all the different sections and the tale of his struggle with the werewolf part of him. Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Hey! I'm glad you liked this story and thanks for the review. :) Report Review
O M G !!! How do you DO that? I mean... This is humanly impossible!!! Out of all the one shots I've read, you're the best! You're like, the queen of one shots. Or One Shot Dumbledore :D You're a genius!!
You really want to know my opinion on the story after all that? Hehe fair enough. Beginning and the end- Wow. Plot - Wow. Build up- Wow. Characterization - Wow. Mistakes - None. Creating Image??? WOW. :D I can say no more. Again and again, you're the one shot Dumbledore :D
You're the best Ariel. Please post more :DAuthor's Response: I feel bad. Because one of these days I'm going to post a one-shot or story in your review thread and you're going to hate it. As it is I can't believe you like my writing so much! It's shocking to me that you can like it so much!
You make my year with your reviews and one day I'm going to let you down. :(
But until then I will continue posting! Thank you so much for your awesome reviews!
Well, this was a perfect account of lycanthropy, so my review will be on the incoherent side.
I can completely imagine this happening to a werewolf. I can completely imagine this happening to Remus, even, if he hadn't had the Marauders. I couldn't possibly imagine how much an illness like that can ruin your life and the order you create for yourself, but you've managed to, and it's just so beautiful in its ugliness. If you know what I mean.
I'm so intrigued by the Monster, because it brings to mind Frankenstein and the way the Monster in that novel begins his start of darkness; I wonder if the Monster was a good person, once. What was also interesting to me was the conflation, almost, of the external Monster and the internal wolf - it got unclear at times who was being referred to, but that added to the sense of chaos in this one-shot.
And the ending. Dear Lord, the ending. It's disturbing, especially with the glass still embedded in his skin, but you've made it so that it seems perfect in its own way.
Very well done. 10/10, and favourited. You are an amazingly talented author.Author's Response: I'm really sorry for taking so long to reply to this awesome review, I'm glad you liked the story so much, it was a bit of a toss up when I posted this story as to whether people would like it, and while I haven't received many reviews, the reviews that I do get make me blush.
The Monster was never a good thing, the Monster is the only I've ever written that's been just evil, just a black hole of destruction and murder. Frankenstein was sympathetic, this monster is not.
However in a way the man that becomes a werewolf is like Frankenstein in the way that everyone abandons, hates and fears him. It's an interesting thought.
Anyway, I'm glad you liked it. :) Report Review
"He had spent a fortune on new locks for the windows and the doors in order to make certain that the Monster wouldn’t on the city’s people." -- I think there you missed a word or two after wouldn't. Just wanted to point that out to you.
First of all, I just want to point out how I love the way you have described being a lycanthrope. I always wanted to know more of what Remus went through, and yes, I know this story isn't about him, but I imagine that the transition and thoughts could be very similar to what he went through. I wish Rowling had done more to describe what it feels like for a lycanthrope to shift. Very well done in that respect. The imagery goes well with the thoughts of the person in question.
Also, I like that this is OC. I think a lot of people don't realize that there may be other lycanthropes out there other then Remus or Fenrir. People probably think it is rare, and to an extent it is, but I always think there would be more.
The contrast between the actual person and monster is very well done. I like that you made the monster and the sane two different people. I can picture this happening in a lot of cases, maybe even with Remus or anyone who might be a lycanthrope. Very well done.
Overall, I like the tone of this story, and how in the end, you can't really tell who won. Did the monster win for the sane killing himself, or did the sane win for destroying the monster before it had the opportunity to destroy others. Really enjoyable thought.Author's Response: At first I thought about writing about Fenrir, but the idea of the end where the main character killed himself just worked out too well in my head, so I made it an OC.
The idea of the wolf and the man sounded very much like a Jekyll and Hyde situation, so I tried to write it as such. :)
As to who won, I like to think of it as the sane winning as he was able to reclaim his soul and humanity by killing the monster, but of course in every battle there is collateral damage, and that is his body and the death of it. Report Review
Wow!! Just wow!!
I love your writing a lot! I know I said this before ^.^
One again this is a beautifully written piece and I really do love the emotions you have conveyed without this one-shot. It tugs at your heartstrings and my heart sank ever so slightly as I came to the end...
Great job!Author's Response: Every time someone says they love my writing it feels like the first time I've heard it, it never gets old. :) I'm glad I didn't disappoint you with this one-shot. :) Report Review
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