You left me a review a while ago and mentioned this story, so i decided to check it out... And boy am I glad I did!
This was a fantastic beginning! I love this glimpse of a young Helena, before her demons caught up with her. I also love how you made them meet in the innocence of childhood, young and still eager for bedtime stories :D
You packed this chapter with so much information, about the history, about Quidditch, the founders EVERYTHING, but you still managed to make it flowing and fun to read.
I like the beginnings of Helena's problems: an absent mother. Simple as that.
I also like how the characters are revealed so much in one chapter. The Baron, who is a bully but inquisitive, intelligent and caring... a strange paradox.
And helena, Hogwarts' princess, spoiled but not spoilt.
I can't wait to find out what happens next!
-GillAuthor's Response: Aww you actually checked it out? *Hugs* Thank you so much :D
I'm so glad you liked it :D I know, I haven't written in a long time, what with exams and all. But I'm starting now and I'll keep on reading. I hope you keep in touch with the updates as well :D
thank you so much for the review, and more than that for looking this story up. But hey, this is nothing compared to yours :D
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Here for Pass the Parcel!
I rarely read Founder's Era, but this one just intrigued me so that I came here to read it. I have to say, I don't regret reading this at all =)
I liked your characterization of Helena, I think you wrote her very well. I could see the canon "grey lady" in Helena which is a great thing to achieve in your writing.
Her relationship with Will was well portrayed too, and I have a feeling that it will developed very nicely as the story progresses. The part about Will putting Helena to sleep was very cute too, it gave a nice touch to the story.
All in all, I really liked reading this. Your plot and characterizations are very good, and your narrative flows really well. Good work!
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Awww thanks AD :D this my first ever Founders attempt also :D
Thank you so much ad. I hope you come back and read this when updated (Which should be soon) Thank you so much for reading and reviewing :D
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Looks like I'm back to see you again! :)
This story is definitely creative - I like the idea of Helena living in the castle under her mother's watchful eye and the Baron coming to keep her company. I like both their characterizations - the emotions seemed a little on the extreme side, in terms of their intensity and frequent shifts, but I like the awkward way in which they interact.
My major critique here would be the style - it felt a little like you dumped a lot of detail on me in conversation, like the history of the Founders and the story of how Quidditch came to be so named. Aside from feeling like Helena might know some of that information just by virtue of being a Founder's daughter, the flow of it seemed a little disjointed to me. I think this chapter might benefit from being edited to include some more description (for example, does Helena change sitting positions at all during this conversation?) and adding in a splash or two of 'he said' and 'she said' and the like, just to keep things as clear as possible. I'd also recommend that you try to work on 'showing' the reader background information instead of 'telling it' - for example, instead of having the Baron tell Helena all that stuff about Quidditch, you could have opened up the next chapter by having Helena ask her mother about the game, and having Rowena tell her how the name has changed over time. This is a tough skill to master, but I've found that it improves the flow and clarity of the story.
Overall, I think this is a good start, and as someone with a Helena/Baron story, I actively encourage you to continue writing them and bringing much-needed exposure to their fascinating story. Nice work on this initial chapter!
-AmandaAuthor's Response: As always, thank you for all the advice and pointing outs. You're an angel.
Yeah I need to do some drastic editing. I'm on the process of editing all my stories and I'm keeping this for last because this needs the most attention. I know, I've been very unaesthetic in giving out the information so I need to redo that a lot. Thank you for all the advice love I'll definitely attend to all of the ones you've pointed out.
Thank you so much.
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Hey, here to review your challenge entry! :)
I liked the way you interpreted the prompt. Your take on the Bloody Baron in particular was really interesting - I'm not sure I've ever read a story that depicts him as a child, and I've certainly never read something that really tries to get at his relationship with Helena while they were both still children.
However, there were a few points that I found a little confusing.
First, while I did understand their ages by the end, I was a bit confused in the beginning. If you'd mentioned how old she was early on when she was thinking about how she felt about the castle - maybe be depicting her thinking about how things might change when she started classes the next year, or something along those lines - it would have made much more sense to me. More of those little details scattered throughout the story in general would have helped alleviate the confusion I felt in other places, and I think it would have made the story stand out more.
My other issue was with the way you depicted her relationship with the Baron. I thought you did a nice job later on (though I did feel that you were perhaps attributing a bit more romantic complexity to the Baron's feelings than really fit his age), but initially, I was a little confused - why would a twelve year old decide to wander to a different part of the castle to visit a ten year old in her bedroom? Why was her room so easily accessible? (Presumably, anyway - I doubt the twelve year old could have handled much of an obstacle.) It was just a little confusing to me.
On the whole, though, this was a fun story, and I think you did a nice job with it. :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for the lovely review Beeezie :)
I'm currently editing this story, you know, working on the confusing points so it's a great help that you pointed out these spots. The age thing is fixed :)
Oh wait I thought I said that Rowena sent Will to deliver a message... Oh yeah I did't say where her room is and all that. Thanks a lot for pointing that out I'll fix it right away.
I love it when I'm pointed in the right direction :) So thank you so much.
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I have to admit that this is the first Founder's era fic that I've ever read and I'm pleased to say that I rather enjoyed it! I like how you established Will and Helena's friendship as the basis for their relationship. It was a very sweet way of doing it and I liked the innocence of the him reading her a bedtime story. I also like how you've kept the Grey Lady's "angsty" and rather solemn nature that we see in the books. I'm looking forward to reading more of this and see how the rest of their relationship develops. Lovely job!
-Camila :)Author's Response: Camila!!! :D I'm still drooling over your banner. Well not really but you get the point :D Awww thanks love. I was told it was a bit confusing, so have to edit it a bit but other than that, I'm going to twist it a little bit :D I love to do that. Bear with me to the end :D
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Okay, now I see why you're concerned about confusing people! You make your readers hunt reread for information that you might not even have included. For example:
How old are Helena and Willoughby in this prologue? You mention the age of ten for Willoughby, but I wasn't sure if that was a mistake. If he's ten, what is he doing at Hogwarts? Helena isn't a student; is this because she's too young, too old, or for some other reason?
Is "Princess" an affectionate family nickname that Helena doesn't want the students to adopt? Or is it a mean nickname given to her by the students?
You should address the contradiction between Helena's wish for normal friendships and the imperious manner in which she treats Willoughby. I'm not saying this is a bad thing; I'm saying that you should let your readers know that this is actual hypocrisy rather than an oversight on your part.
Now for the good stuff: The entire Grey Lady/Bloody Baron topic is a fantastic idea. I like the idea that Helena grew up at Hogwarts. I also like the idea that the two met as children, if that's indeed what happened. I'm looking forward to finding out what happens next.
A few vital notes:
"Alright" is all wrong. The phrase is "all right." Always.
NO BLUSHING. It's way overused. Way way WAY overused. Did I mention that it's overused? Peole simply do not go around blushing all the time, even pale-skinned people. Even people with blushing problems. Save it for a time when it's important to the plot. And then reconsider.Author's Response: See? :9 This is the issue. Helena's ten and Will is in the second year. She's not because she's still . Helena is called Princess because she's one of the founders' daughters. Ravenclaw's daughter actually. So that's why. She's adored and respected by all students.
The blushing part was I think because I blush a lot. And when I say a lot I mean a lot! So I tend to make m characters blush a lot. Sorry. Must stop that.
Thank you so much for doing this for me. Totally unexpected. I love getting criticized! Thanks *hugs* Report Review
First, your descriptions are wonderful. You have great word choices that absolutely bring it to life. I think you are able to really take this many different places.
I love that we are getting the story behind the tragic ghosts, I have never read a founders era, so I'm really excited!
I think the characters you are inventing are great, we really don't know a ton about these so it's more up to you to give them young personalities as opposed to staying canon. A challenge! I love the image you are creating of Helena too. You get us hooked with her despising and loving Hogwarts, its such a contradiction.
I wasn't confused by the changing, I did get a little bit overrun with characters, but I'm sure you'll smooth them out and help remind us who is who and such.
There were some small grammar things, just read through and you'll spot them! Editing is the words, for some reason that black type on white background just begs my eyes to close and fall asleep..
anyway, I think this is a wonderful start!Author's Response: Awww thanks Jami. I'm so glad you weren't confused. Yes this chapter needs a bit of editing but guess what! I have a beta now. So the future chapters would be grammatically flawless :D
I wanted to create them from the beginning you know, and I didn't want to portray them as the scary Baron and conceited Helena. They'll grow into it but not yet. I want to sort of take them there, you know what I mean?
Thanks again for the review Jami it's a real boost :D Report Review
Emesias here with your requested review!
This is the first fan fic that I've ever read about the Founders!!! I'm really glad that I was given the chance to read this piece as it is really good. As the era it itself has so much potential to bare fanfics especially in the romance/ drama genre, this one is definitely off to a good start ^_^
So far there is minimal discrepancies in the grammar, spelling and punctuation area, so good job! I think my main concern would be the flow of the story as I got a bit confused in trying to determine whether its about the 1st gen. founders or is it about their kids. Maybe if you can add little more clarification on that (hehe) Other than that, I'm looking forward to seeing how your version of these characters develop throughout the story and how they interact. Keep on writing!!!
I'm looking forward to the progress of this story. Please feel free to re- request! 8/10Author's Response: I'm sooo sorry about the confusion. That's something everyone's told me, that there's a bit of a confusion in the middle. I'll sort that out :) Thank you soo much for reading and reviewing :) I'll keep you posted. Report Review
I really love your descriptive writing. You can really paint a picture in my mind and I can imagine the scenes so clearly by the way you write. :)
This story seems like it's going to be great. I enjoy reading stories where we know the outcome but we get to find out the lead-up to it, and this is one of those stories.
I love how you characterised both Helena and the Baron - by the way, the name Willoughby is adorable and I think it's so interesting that you chose to have him be a member of the Black family. The Black family we know and love just got a new member. That'll be interesting to read about. The description of Helena as being like a Princess and courtesying was a great image.
Also, the apprentices of Merlin! That sounds amazing! I know how much you love Merlin and I'd love to hear more about these apprentices, even if it's only in stories (or if you want to educate me via PM ;) )
I didn't find it confusing, although there was one section that seemed a little muddled and I had to re-read. It was when the Baron was telling Helena the story about Balthazar and Morgana and Maxim etc. There were a lot of characters in the mix, so maybe it would be easier to read if there were a few breaks in the speech. Like Helena could interject or the Baron could pause. It was just that it was a solid block of text, making it harder to digest, if that makes sense?
The only other thing was that sometimes, you used phrases that were very modern. For instance "best mate," "extra credit" and "for real." I think that kind of language wouldn't have been used in this time period.
This was a great start, really hooked me into the story :)
- EmAuthor's Response: Thanks Em. I thought I've overdone it :D Hehe I'm so glad you like it.
Ooo yeah I'm hoping to mix a lot of mystery/dark/horror stuff. ;) Wait and see.
I didn't want him to be a Malfoy you know. Black seemed more of his type. I don't know why. I just love mixing all these families we know. Oh I just now got an idea. Thanks Em :D
Oooo you like these stuff? I'll PM you right away. Hehe I thought that part might be a bit you know... boring and all. But hey, you guys like it!! I'm going to create more legend :D
Oh yeah. I didn't feel it because you know, I wrote it but I guess when you're reading it for the first time knowing nothing of what I'm jabbering about, it must be confusing. Sorry :(
The language! That was the part I was afraid of. I didn't want it to sound ridiculous and I wanted it to sound ancient. I guess the two got mixed up. :( I'll have to keep a special eye on that one.
Thanks a lot Em! The longest review I've got so far Report Review
The story overall was good. However, there were certain instances when i had to re-read several parts in order to figure out who was speaking. Also, it would make your story a lot better if you balanced the focus of your story between the dialogue, their actions and their thoughts. The history part kinda confused me; was this story focused on the founders' children? Because the story addressed the founders' as professors while the main focus of this prologue was on Helena Ravenclaw and Baron.
I really liked how you incorporated Merlin's assistants from the movie, the sorcerer's apprentice. it was interesting how you mixed it in with the history of the infamous families of the series. Good job! 8/10 ^_^Author's Response: Hey thanks :) Oh sorry about that. I guess I got too, emm excited :D Not exactly founders' children. Helena is Baron is not :) Sorry about the confusion :(
Oh hehe I love legends. I just sort of mixed it up :D And added/cut off some parts and you know, made this whole thing up. Hehe
Thanks again :) Report Review
Here I am with your review!:D
Sorry if I ramble a bit, I just have a lot to say!
*First off, the flow was really great except for the very first paragraph. I couldn't tell if it was just a very choppy beginning, or if you [purposely wrote it as so to give the reader that sense of suddenness when she falls
*The spacing is a bit odd and ultimately distracting. I think it really took away from the story, as silly as it seems. I don't know why, but the uneven amount of spacing and more spaces between paragraphs than others really threw me off.
*I loved the characterization. I felt like i understood Helena on a whole other level. I think you got inside her head so well, it was incredible.
* When you say "give him a piece of her mind", I don't think it should be in quotations. Try italicizing it(: I would also recommend this for when you completely capitalize a whole word, because it seems odd.
* I liked the bloody baron, but i felt like we should see more of him. I think the ending sentence was great, like it really gave us an insider, if you will, of who he is and his feelings towards her.
* The imagery was great for the first half. But then it seems like you got excited and forgot about it mid way through writing this
*I liked the emotions in this; they were strong, powerful, and to the point.
* I only saw a few grammar/spelling errors, but thats easily fixed with a one shot beta!
All in all, I was pretty impressed with this. I think it was a strong piece and it seems like you put in some good effort! I think that there is also a few mind errors, but those are very easily fixed, and then you'll be golden! I really do like this, and you also gets hugs, cookies, and rainbows for writing founders because that is a genre not usually ventured upon, so you really stuck your neck out there with this! I am thrilled with this, and even more thrilled that there is room for improvement, because if it's this good now, and you can still improve, that means you will have a fabulous story!
EverAuthor's Response: Awww thanks :) Yeah the formatting thing is really getting on my nerves. Something to do with the format settings of my laptop. Grrr have to fix that. Oh yeah and the getting excited part is true :( I get so carried away.
Yeah I wanted to start the story like some tragic incident but then it ended up as something else :D Sorry about that.
Ah the capitals. Yeah I have to get rid of them.
Thanks for the honest review Ever. Hugs Report Review
I really enjoyed reading your story!
First off, let me say, it was very interesting reading about the Baron as a person who has feelings and emotions. In the books/movies, I always viewed him as an intimidating ghost, but reading about him in your story actually changed my perspective on him.
I'd also like to add that it was intriguing reading about the history of all the different bloodlines and families. I also found the "old" Quidditch to be quite a turn. So there were no beaters at the time?
I like your wording and usage of vocabulary. Be sure to notify me when you put up your next chapter, as I am eager to read more! :)Author's Response: Thank you so much Lucius :D No Beaters are a development in the later years just like the seeker (In my story at least) I don't know why but I love these old stuff you know.
Sure thing :) I'll let you know.Thanks for reading and reviewing :) Report Review
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