I loved the concept of this story. This is will be the first time i am reading where both of them don't remember anything? Please update fast...I am waiting for QTY..he he! Report Review
Hysterical! Loved James's line "Say hello to reality". Glad you've made her Slytherin enough to actually be a Slytherin without making her a bitch. Hope you update soon :) Report Review
Hey there! I am so sorry for taking such a long time with this review. Life has been terribly busy and things piled up one after the other.
I really like Aviana. There's a lot of good things she can make out of James, I bet ya! She's like the female version of James, which I find very cute and sweet.
I think you could still improve on a lot of things, however. The pace of the story would be a good start, for most of the time Aviana's thoughts and actions felt kind of rushed. I would really like to see more of her thoughts because she seems to have really funny and amusing thoughts. :3
I don't really want to say anything else that the other reviewers already pointed out. One can only hear the same thing so many times. (:
I'm hoping to 'figure out' Aviana more and more as the story goes on. Right now she seems to be a very confusing character to me, but I know that's only because its the start. Characters are always a mystery to me at the start.
Keep up the great job!
Izzy xx Report Review
I am really sorry about taking so long to getting around to review your story chapter. Life has been busy.
I really liked this chapter. I love the banter between James and Aviana. It feels natural when I read it and I really like the way that they counter balance one another. It is really done well.
The only suggestion I would make is to take your time when you edit. I noticed quite a few words that were either used and sounded a little weird or out of place. This is something you can easily fix and should in no way feel discouraged. When in doubt read it out loud.
I really like the way that this story grabbed my attention. You were able to hold it all the way through. I really liked the way that this is written in first person. You get to see the outter struggle and the internal struggle with Aviana.
Keep up the great writing! I look forward to reading more and finding out what is going to happen. I sense a lot of amusement coming from this story and a lot of changes. =)
-SR17 Report Review
It's Roots in Water here with your review!
This is definitely an interesting concept, one that I've seen done before with very good results. However, I don't think I've ever seen one done before where neither of the involved parties knows why they're married... And though this ignorance adds a new twist to the idea (which is always a good thing) it also makes it harder to believe. Hopefully you have an idea of why the farce of a marriage occurred and will start to place clues soon. I'll mention my current suspicions: I'm suspecting that James did indeed have a part to play in it and was only faking his ignorance, and that this will all somehow help Hermione win the Minister of Magic elections... Perhaps by the public reparation of their feud with the Malfoys?
However, as good of a concept as this is, it would be a good idea to be careful with your pace. It seemed to me as though you went pretty quickly through her reactions to everything in this chapter and you should ensure that you don't rush the development of their relationship (I'm assuming that you want them to eventually end up together- am I right?). One way to help with this is to focus on describing her feelings and why she reacts as she does. For instance, it was a little strange to see her reacting so negatively towards James, a person she didn't even want to be married to. I would suggest trying to go into detail about why she reacted so strongly - perhaps she is very possessive and even if she doesn't love James (yet), she still wants it known that she technically has a claim on him.
It was an interesting idea to start with the paragraphs from the newspaper - it gave a quick glimpse into the mindset of our narrator, as well as a beginning reason as to why she wouldn't be happy being married to James Potter. From the brief descriptions you've given (and it was nice not to be overloaded with physical descriptions) it definitely sounds like James Potter isn't her ideal man. However, continuing on the same vein as the previous paragraph, I would be careful not to advance too quickly through your characters' actions because then it will become confusing and contradictory to the readers. The gap between having her be annoyed with James and the marriage be unwelcome to having her shiver pleasantly at James' lips beside her earlobe was a little too large for me to be realistic in the first chapter. However, I do appreciate what you're trying to accomplish - it certainly isn't easy writing a story where love blossoms out of crazy situations!
I did notice a few little mistakes as I was reading and I thought I'd point them out to you. To begin, with "both academic and Quidditch", it should be "academics" with the "s" and with "then, well all hell" there should be a comma after "well". As well, with "I'm in happy" the "in" should be taken out - it doesn't make sense with the rest of the sentence (or perhaps I just don't understand the sentence as a whole). Finally, with "whom?" you forgot the quotation marks after the question mark.
All in all, you have a really interesting concept with really interesting characters. Your narrator definitely has a unique personality, one that is sure to keep readers entertained, and it will be interesting to see how she continues to react in her relations with the Potter family. As well, I really want to see Draco's reaction to the news- the narrator's comments in this chapter really have me concerned for his health! :) Thanks for requesting and I hope that my comments are helpful. Report Review
Love the story please update Report Review
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you! :D So, let's go over things:
Characterization: Well, we've got Aviana and James in this chapter. I think you have a firm grasp on both of them. It's a little cliche that she's such a firmly-grounded Slytherin personality, but it didn't bother me too much. And James is so cocky! Very like his grandfather, I assume. The one character that I was a little confused about was Ron. He really wanted to "welcome her into the family," but he definitely hates Draco, so I'm confused as to why he'd like Draco's daughter...
Descriptions: Well, this is something that I tell all the people I review for--you can really bring readers into a story by giving them details. What do things look like? But not just that. What do they smell like, sound like, feel like, etc.? It will bring the story to life. :]
Emotions: Hm...well, I liked that I could see your OC's frustration about the situation, but I think they both would have been MUCH more horrified. It's such an unexpected thing to happen. I wish I had seen their surprise more.
Plot: Well, you have something interesting here! I think you've already grabbed readers' attention. It's a little confusing as to why Aviana is friends with Rose, but not James. And why her father is okay with her being friends with Rose, but he's going to be "SO UPSET" with her being married to James. And why are the Potters and Weasleys not freaking out that James is all of the sudden married? I'm just a bit confused...
Interactions: Okay, well...Aviana is already a firecracker. She definitely doesn't like James, so I'm interested as to why she agreed to help him...I think you'll have quite the task ahead of you when you're putting them together. :]
Style: The way this is written is pretty good, overall. It was a little difficult to follow at the beginning, but things cleared up after that.
So far, so good. Keep up the good work. I think you're doing a pretty good job! :D
--Emily Report Review
Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)
I really liked your characterization of Aviana in the beginning introduction paragraphs. It's kind of refreshing to see a character - Malfoy blood or not - that likes the look of a clean cut guy vs. fawning over the messy haired James. So far I think she has a good voice in this.
You asked me to give you a few suggestions so here is one. After the initial explanation you go right into 'we're married' from James - that transition felt really jumped. Maybe instead of starting there you could have her waking up being groggy, not remembering what happened, realizing she's in bed with James, finding the picture, waking James up (humor potentials) anything to give us more of an idea of the setting to start off. I did notice you had it after a little ways, but maybe just something before to help the reader get an idea of what a big jump just happened.
I noticed a lot of awkward sentences and misplaced/missing punctuation marks, so I would suggest doing another read over of this and fixing some of those things up. Try reading your sentences out loud to yourself and adding/deleting un-necessary commas and apostrophes. Also, work on scenery transitions - I didn't notice any mention from them leaving the hotel room to going to the restaurant so I had to go back and re-read a few times to make sure I didn't miss anything.
Towards the beginning of their banter Aviana's emotions feel kind of unsteady. As they are realizing what happens she's 'smiling bashfully' and joking about it in her head, and two sentences down she's calling him a jerk and insulting his family. I guess the best way I can describe my feelings towards there 'relationship' is confused. They seem very unsteady around eachother; one minute they seem like they're joking around and the next they're legitimately arguing with eachother.
I thought Ginny was a little strange here. It was weird to see her - instead of asking James what was going on or why he suddenly got married - she just invited the Malfoys - who were previously mentioned that they didn't get along with the Potters - to dinner. It might add to her character to have her try to figure out what's going on before just having everyone try to become one big happy family, if that makes sense?
I think this story has a lot of potential so please don't take the things I mentioned as butcher your story, but try to use them to add things to your story and make the emotions believable, and make things flow better. I am curious to see how this will play out as I have a certain love for stories that start off in an accidental or 'we don't really love eachother' marriage, that will eventually work out to them finding things about eachother that they can learn to love. Feel free to re-request for the next chapter when you get it posted!
-Julie Report Review
Okay, so I'm here with your review request!
First of all, I'm not quite sure where to start. In your one author's note, it mentions that you had a beta, but I found several mistakes in this story where words were missing, commas were needed, and a few word or verb tenses were incorrect. You might want to read through that and try to fix those mistakes since it was a bit confusing at times.
My only other complaint would probably be the whole Potter and Malfoy thing. It got a bit repetitive at times, even though I understand that they call each other that for all intents and purposes. It,just seemed a bit repetitive is all.
Okay, so now onto the good stuff. I think that you have a decent start here. The whole shock of waking up next to someone and discovering you are married would be, well, a shock! Haha. I think you have the potential to make this very great and interesting, especially since you can add a chapter in the future where they figure out how all of this happened, although I'm sure you already have that planned.
Them bickering over everything was quite hilarious, so you hit it spot on with their rivalry and not liking each other one bit. That's another reason this story has potential for future chapters, because that rivalry will continue, even if they grow to love each other or whatever.
The whole concept of them staying married to benefit his aunt's reputation is quite interesting. It reminds me of some of the old movies like in Can't Buy Me Love, where he pays a popular girl to date him for a month in order to become popular, and they fall in love. I get the idea that's what you plan on doing with this, so that will be interesting.
I do hope you clear up a few things in future chapters. Perhaps you can explain more about Aviana and Scorpius being twins. You might also want to tie in how Rita Skeeter knew about their marriage. They were in a hotel room, so I don't understand how she found out about that.
Anyways, I think you have a great start here, and it will be interesting to see what you do with this. I hope that my review was helpful and not too harsh. Just wanted to be honest. :D
Feel free to request me again in the future.
-Sara- Report Review
I think your story is really cute and i am curious about what you have planned for the rest of it. keep going, you're doing great! :) Report Review
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