Reading Reviews for Healing Kisses
  
8 Reviews Found

Review #1, by StormThief17 Pain, sorrow and a thankyou note

29th June 2012:
Hi, StormThief here with your review :)

The premise is interesting! I'm interested to know more about Ebony and her connection with Lucius. I guess my main concern is your sentence structure. The plot and characters are very interesting, but your sentences are kind of awkward and break up the flow of the chpater a bit. I would suggest maybe getting a beta to help structure your sentences in a smoother way and pick up on some minor mispellings. Great job!!

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Review #2, by magnolia_magic Pain, sorrow and a thankyou note

27th June 2012:
Hi! I'm here with your review!

I thought this was a really interesting read. Your attention to detail is really admirable, especially when Ebony is making her diagnosis. I was amazed to see so much depth in your description, and I thought it was really impressive :)

That said, there are a few things I'd like to critique here. The first is an easy fix: you have some run-on sentences throughout the chapter, and a lot of your sentences are just long in general. Too many long sentences at one time can be difficult to read, so I'd suggest going through and shortening some of them. That way, readers will find it easier to absorb the material.

The second thing is purely my opinion, so feel free to take it or leave it. While I found Ebony's back story really interesting, I think you spend too much time teling us about Ebony and too little time showing her in action. (And I'm totally guilty of this in some of my writing, so don't think I'm trying to pick on you! It's just something I noticed.) I'd suggest interspersing a little dialogue into the beginning while you're talking about Ebony's past. I think that would go a long way in balancing out the description-heavy first part of the chapter.

Once you started getting into the present, with Ebony at St. Mungo's, I started getting into the story a lot more. I think Mr. Runkle added a lot to the story; his comments about You Know Who brought the suspense that will keep people reading :) As for Ebony, I think I'm going to like her as a character. She seems like a very strong, accomplished young woman, and I love to see a character who can stay optimistic even after having such a difficult childhood. I'll definitely be interested to see how she develops in future chapters!

Overall, I think you've got a promising start here! Please feel free to request again when you update next :)

--Maggie

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Review #3, by DracoFerret11 Pain, sorrow and a thankyou note

25th June 2012:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you! :D So, let's go over things:

Characterization: Okay! So...we have Ebony, Jacob, Mr. Runkle, and Lucius. Ebony, as an OC, I'm going to watch to make sure she doesn't become a Mary-Sue. for now, she has some tendencies that might hint at her becoming a Mary-Sue (her tendency to sit with other students while they're ill, the fact that she's overcome so much and has no negative effects, etc.), but she's not too bad so far. I don't think you have to worry too much yet. :] As for Jacob, he was good! I thought it was a little odd that he was so worried about her even though nothing happened in Mr. Runkle's room. :P Eh. And then Mr. Runkle. He's a little creepy, but why would Death Eaters go after an apothecary shop? Huh.

Descriptions: I think it would have been helpful to this story if you had described Ebody, since I'm really not too sure what she looks like. And everything else, in general, could stand to be better-described. I always tell the people that I review for--don't just tell readers how things look, but tell them how things feel, smell, sound, etc. It will really bring the story to life.

Emotions: Hmm...I would have thought that Ebony would be more emotional about her mother's death and her father's state of mind, but maybe it's been so long that it doesn't affect her as much?

Plot: Okay! So, we've got the case of Mr. Runkle which was a good way to introduce the plot. I thought it was very interesting that the Death Eaters are already in this story, even though we haven't "seen" them. Be careful not to make Ebony TOO good at her job. That will bring her into Mary-Sue land quite quickly. And then we get some of her past. We learn that her mother is dead (though that was a particulary NON-magical death...), and her father is verging on crazy...Yet Ebony somehow deals with all of this quite easily. :P And we have Lucius! Who I was confused to see entrust someone else with his money...huh.

Interactions: Well, I mentioned that one odd moment between Ebony and Jacob, but I liked the interaction between Ebony and Lucius. I did think that it was a little abrupt for him to trust her with his money, but other than that, pretty good job.

So far, so good, in my opinion. Avoid Mary-Sue land and remember about details and I'm sure you'll be fine! :] Keep up the good work!

--Emily

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Review #4, by luvdobby26 Pain, sorrow and a thankyou note

23rd June 2012:
Hello, hidden_secrets here with your requested review :) I'm so sorry for the lateness! This was a very interestimg chapter that hooked me from the first line :)
I really like your characters, and Lucius is very interesting. I'm not quite sure of him, I'm sure after a few chapters I'll get a better picture of him, but this 'new light' is very interesting.
I also really like your other characters, they're very interesting :)

The plot so far seems amazing, I really can't wait to read the next chapter! It makes you want to read on.
The flow was great and the descriptions were AMAZING! The writing was beautiful, you had some excellent words there.
Grammar - Ok, I noticed quite a lot of mistakes, but I'm sure if you read it over a few times you'll be able to spot them :)

Overall - This was a very nice first chapter with some excellent description and the writing was amazing! 10/10 very well done! xx

Author's Response: 10/10 really well that's at first for me I can't believe that you feel that way so thank you! Can't tell you how much that means to me. And yes more about Lucius will be revealed in the next few chapaters so stay tuned!

Hopefully I wont keep you waiting too long for the next chapater!


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Review #5, by Ron 4 Hermione Pain, sorrow and a thankyou note

23rd June 2012:
A good opening- makes me want to read on and find out more!
-Ebony seems like an interesting character, she isn't your typical OC who has had the perfect life etc.etc.
-The story is good so far and I can't spot Amy spelling or grammar mistakes so well done!
9/10 a nicely written chapter!

Author's Response: Thanks for the comment on Ebony as I like to create interesting and different characters as it make things more fun to play about with so that really makes me smile when people pick up on it.

Thanks for the review!


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Review #6, by angel_speaks Pain, sorrow and a thankyou note

22nd June 2012:
Interesting.

This is off to a really good start. Although, I think that it would be a lot better to see the dialogue separate from the descriptive body of the story; it makes the text a lot less overwhelming. For example:

instead of having it written out like:
“Thank you for the offer but I must go now, my work cannot wait.” And with that he bade her farewell as his robes billowed around his feet as he strode off down the corridor to make his way to the exit. Though in that moment just before he left when Ebony was looking into his eyes she saw that he understood she knew his pain even if it had just been for the glimmer of a second that she had caught it in his eye.


Maybe it can be like:
“Thank you for the offer but I must go now, my work cannot wait.”

And with that he bade her farewell as his robes billowed around his feet as he strode off down the corridor to make his way to the exit. Though in that moment just before he left when Ebony was looking into his eyes she saw that he understood she knew his pain even if it had just been for the glimmer of a second that she had caught it in his eye.

Something like that. Just a suggestion ^_^v Other than that, there was very minimal amount of grammatical errors; its just the layout of the chapter. The plot is great and aside from the different angle of Lucius in this story, the characters interacted really well which contributed to the fluidity of the story. Good Job!!!

I'm looking forward to reading more of your works!

Happy Writing! 8/10

Author's Response: I'm not quite sure why I formatted it like that maybe it's just me mind being silly but I will be sure to make the dialouge clearer in the future so thank you for that suggestion. Also Lucius I'm still figuring out a little so that might be why he doesn't follow like the others do but with what has happened I don't see him being in a following mood at the moment so more will be revealed why this is in the next few chapaters!

Again thank you for the review I will be sure to take you suggestions into account in furture chapaters!


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Review #7, by luciusobsessed Pain, sorrow and a thankyou note

22nd June 2012:
Very interesting story you have going here. Ebony is a beautiful name, and seems like a beautiful person as well. I can relate to her wanting to work in the medical field, as I want to do the same. It's in the nature of a doctor to want to help, and I can tell that Ebony is a true altruist by the way you describe her.

I couldn't help but scream "YAY!" when Lucius came into the story, as he is my FAVORITE character ever! :D I'm also excited for Narcissa to make an appearance, my other favorite character!

Your description and flow are outstanding. They give me a sharp insight into Ebony's mind. There are a few grammatical errors, but I'm sure if you read through your story a few times you can fix them up.

Keep up the amazing work! Can't wait to read the rest! :)

Author's Response: I thought you would like this one and I havn't quite figure out when Narcissa will come in but I know the how so she will make an appearance I can assure you that. And I'm glad you like her name as there is a good reason as she was actually born under and Ebony tree hense the name!

Again thank you for reviewing it's always nice to know what somebody thinks.


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Review #8, by married to black Pain, sorrow and a thankyou note

21st June 2012:
Wow, wow, wow. The detail in this is just WOW. You really went all the way with it! I am absolutely enjoying the descriptions and the extent to which you went to really show the reader what is going on in both Ebony's mind and in the world around her. I love how we got insight into her life and the situation she is in. I love how we were told of why she wanted to be a mediwitch. The beginning was fabulous because it was a great introduction to the story, it lead it very well. Besides your amazing, descriptive writing style, I rather enjoyed the flow to the story. The characters were great. Mr. Runkle is an interesting fellow. I was intrigued in the tale of how he got his injury. Jacob is a nice, though somewhat sharp man who I like but also find a bit too nitpicky for my taste. Alas, that's what I love. The way you wrote out the characters in different matters so as to allow the readers to like one, not like another and just see the different characteristics they held. I think the plot is a great one. I haven't read a story about a witch/wizard in the medical field so this is a tale with a plot I'm not used to reading about. I like how Ebony has a story. She went through losses, persevered and maintained a very friendly and determined personality. Her qualities are so far endearing and I enjoy her character a lot. :) I wouldn't change anything about the story. I love the pace, the detail, the dialogue. It's all great. Only suggestion I have? KEEP IT UP! It's wonderful. :)

For the grammatical errors, here are some I picked up on:


"While at Hogwarts instead of hanging around down by the quidditch pitch watching teams practice or in the courtyards playing games of gobstones,..."

Comma after 'Hogwarts'. :)

"She would just sit with the patients be they conscious or not providing them..."

Comma after 'patients' and 'not'.

"Having visited her father many a time in St. Mungo's Ebony was no..."

Comma after St. Mungo's. :)

"...especially if they didn't know who she was though in the end they tended..."

Comma after 'was'.

"Her trainer, Jacob Mortizen had today got her analysing..."

You forgot the comma after Mortizen. :)

"There are indications of binding upon the wrist suggest that err... I'm sorry I didn't get you name." Ebony said smiling sweetly at the man.

You forgot to add 'that' after wrist and accidentally put 'you' instead of 'your'. And there's a comma after your name. You can keep the period, though, if you just remove 'said' and continue that part of the sentence as "Ebony smiled sweetly as the man". It's up to you to choose which you want. :)

"He was a little bit plump which a short stature..."

'With' instead of 'which'.

I would go over the grammar of this story once more. There where times when you would use the wrong words, like 'which' instead of 'with', or during dialogue, you used a period instead of a comma. And in other areas, for instance the ones I pointed out, you forgot to use a comma. I'd just look it over once more if I were you. I picked out a few of the first mistakes to give you a heads up. :)

Great first chapter! Absolutely loved it.

Author's Response: Oh I'm so glad that you loved the stories and the characters as I like to write about other's lives to make up my own stories but with J.K's world so I'm glad you like it. Also thank for pointing out those grammatical errors as I am not the best when it comes to spelling and grammar so I will be sure to correct them when I edit the chapater.

Again thank you for the review really put a smile upon my face.


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