Reading Reviews for The Once Pride Of Portree
  
11 Reviews Found

Review #1, by luvdobby26 The Accident

18th July 2012:
Hi, I'm SO sorry this is so late! I've been on holiday etc. and then I got mixed up with the slots, cause you should have been before potterfan310, but I did her first thinking she was first, buthey ho, here I am now :)

This story is really good so far. I love how you describe everything in such great detail and the charcters are just fantastic. I'm really Intrigued to see how this story turns out! You're amazing at writing! The flow is billiant, no grammar and spelling that I could see, plot is very interesting, characters awesome, everything was just bril! Keep up the amazing work!
And also, just to let you know, I LOVE QUIDDITCH!

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Review #2, by Analesh7 The Accident

28th June 2012:
Hey! It's wickedana here from HPFFF

I really enjoyed the story! Vie never read such a descriptive Quidditch match so this was cool. BUT poor Sebastian :(

I felt so bad for him because it hurts imagining having something you love, taken away from you. It must be such a horrible feeling!

I think Sebastian is an interesting character and I wish we could know more of his thoughts. I know in third person it's harder to do so but I'm hoping the next chapter will allow us to see inside Sebastian's head.

I think the plot is good as well and I want to see Sebastian's recovery process. I feel like its going to be a tough one :{

I did notice some run on sentences that could easily be fixed with commas. Other than that, the story is on it's way to greatness :)

Can't wait to see more of it!

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Review #3, by classicblack The Accident

24th June 2012:
Hello, it's Ali with you review!

I really like the idea that you have here. It's very creative and original; I've never read anything like it. This chapter was pretty good, mostly, as you said in your author's note, it was just grammar and conventions that you have trouble with.

But before I start with the criticisms, I'd just like to say that I really like Sebastian's name. Not as a name in general per say, but for his character- a confident Quidditch star/ lady's man.

Okay, on to the corrections. First, there are some run on sentences in this chapter. Really all you need to do is separate them into individual sentences and you'll be good. I'll give you an example. Here's the original sentence: "Of course Sebastian joined in with them pumping his fist in the air when the time called for it to show his confidence of Portree winning the match as being the teams seeker his job was to more or less seal the deal of winning by catching the little golden ball as more often than not the team who caught the snitch was the team who won the match." Now, here is a correction (just what I would do): "Of course Sebastian joined in with them, pumping his fist in the air when the time called for it to show his confidence of Portree winning the match. As he was the team's seeker, his job was to more or less to seal the deal of winning by catching the little golden ball more often than the other team. After all, the team who caught the snitch was the team who won the match." That's just an example.

Also, this isn't really a runon sentence. It's more a matter of you placing a comma in a period's place. "The last time Portree went against the Batís you won by only a narrow victory, have you any knew tacticsí that you plan on using to help ensure Portree the victory?" There should be a period between 'victory' and 'have.'

I thought the dialogue in this chapter was pretty good, but I have one question: why are Sebastian's lines italicized? There doesn't really seem to be a reason for it. Unless you have a legitimate reason (that I am currently unaware of), I'd suggest getting rid of that.

Not to say that your paragraphs are too long, but this is a trick to keep the reader interested more and make the chapter read quicker: make paragraphs smaller. You can keep the same amount of words overall, but by splitting each paragraph into two as soon as you even mildly switch to a different thought, you'll do a load of difference. I know, for me, that a chapter will read quicker if the paragraphs are smaller as opposed to larger. For example, in the first paragraph, you could split the paragraph between the words 'as he did so.' and 'As soon as he'.

Also, the team name the 'Bats' shouldn't have an apostrophe (Bat's) between the 't' and the 's.' It's not possesive so it's not needed.

Overall though, it was a pretty good chapter and a great idea for a story! Well done!
Happy writing,
classicblack from the forums

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Review #4, by EverDiggory The Accident

23rd June 2012:
I was cheering for Sebastian, just for your info(;

Here with your requested review!

Characterization: I like him, a lot! I think though that you might want to put more...work, if you will, into him. It feels like we don;t really know him, and we want to! We know the basic outline, but I encourage to explore your character deeper and share it with your readers!

Plot: While I don't typically read stories as such, I am interested. I think you have a generally unique plot, and I also think you would do well to continue on doing whatever it is you are that makes this such a delightful read(:

Grammar/Spelling/Other General Errors: There was a few, but nothing that I just wanted to flip about;P

Reader Interest: I am dying to know what happens next! I really hope you update soon because I want to know what happens!

Feel free to rerequest!

xx

Ever

Author's Response: Ha ha yeh a lot of people have been asking to know more about Sebastain, but don't worry that's what the next chapater or two is for this one is just telling us about what his life used to be. Description is on the way my friend.

I am starting the write the next chapater soon an once I get started I don't tend to stop so expect something in the next week on this!


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Review #5, by StormThief17 The Accident

20th June 2012:
Hi StormThief here with your review!

I like it! I was really rooting for Sebastion to catch the snitch at the end! Sebastion does seem a little flat, I think as a result of the third person PoV. I think a little more emotion would be great! You're other characters are portryed well.

There were some spelling errors, but I think if you just do a quick read through you could pick up on them. There are also some confusing sentences, for example: "But now the referee held in his hands the ball that once was flying in the air would signal the start of the game and was the only ball that Sebastian didnít have to worry about which was the quaffle." I would reword that to make it a little clearer. I reccommend going back over your story and rewriting a bit just to get the sentences to flow together better.

I really like the plotline and am looking forward to seeing more :)

Author's Response: Thanks for the review I will certain take this into mind when I get around to editing it and I guess I use third person as I'm so used to it from roleplay and I have an tense slipping issue. Also thanks for pointing out that sentance to me as I will make sure to amend it soon!

Thanks for the review I really appreciate it!


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Review #6, by academica The Accident

20th June 2012:
Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)

I think this is a very original idea for a story, and I like your OC a lot. He seems like an interesting young man, and I suspect that his personality will suffer as a result of his injury, such that he might not be so confident in later chapters. I think you did a great job of describing the action, too. I almost felt like I was watching the game on TV.

I do see a few grammatical and spelling errors sprinkled throughout this piece, as well as several places where it seems like sentences got too long and a little confusing due to the lack of commas. These mistakes are something that a beta could help iron out for you, so I would recommend looking into getting one on the forums. Ironing out those little errors can really improve the flow of a story.

Overall, I think you did a good job with this piece. I like how you balanced description with action, and I think the pacing of this chapter was very nice. If you can just iron out some of those technical mistakes, I think you'll have a really good story :)

Nice job! I hope this review is helpful!

-Amanda

Author's Response: I'm glad you like Sebastian that really but a smile upon my face. I had guessed there would be gramatical error's so yes I probably will get a beta reader to look at my chapaters from now on as it will definatly be helpful as I can rable on sometimes.

Again thank you for the review!


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Review #7, by FallenAmaranth The Accident

20th June 2012:
Hi, here's your review, as requested :)

First of all, it's an interesting idea and very intriguing. Definitely got me interested. I like your character, he's believable and realistic.
I would like to know more about him though, and this brings me on to description.

Your descriptions of what is actually happening are actually very good, but you need to give the reader something to imagine; what does he look like? Describe the pitch as he walks onto it. Is the air warm or cold etc. Is there a whiff of anything in the air. This will help the reader get an idea of not just what is happening, but where.

Now for Grammar. You lacked a few commas and apostrophes here and there, and there were a few spelling errors, some of which were typos and would just have needed a quick read through, either by you or a beta.

'happy you man'

^ Just an example of one of your typos.

'Yes he was a..'

^ here, you should have a comma after the 'yes', since you are confirming something, and it should have a pause.

'Scottish team of Pride of Portree'

^ I think here, you could probably miss out the first 'of' and insert a comma or a semi-colon in its place.

'As in his final year'

^ It would flow better here if you missed out the 'As in', since it is at the beginning of a sentence, and would usually follow and a comma. Alternatively, you could join it with the sentence before, but in both cases it would also need a comma after 'year'.

'teams star player'

^ this is an example of one of the places where you missed an apostrophe. It would need an apostrophe before the 's' in 'teams', to show that he was the star player of the team, so he belonged to them.

'they where'

^ Instead of 'they were' which is again, probably a typo.

'And now today'

^ It's probably best not to start a paragraph with 'And', since it can be quite confusing.

'and was going to let him'

^ this should probably 'and weren't' - could be another typo, or a mis-edit.

These were a few things that caught my eye, most of them just need a read through and if you're not sure if something makes sense, then read it out loud and wherever you pause naturally, add a comma! Alternatively you could look for a beta on the forums.

Otherwise, it's a great story and plot, very unique and it's not 1D.
I hope I've been of some help :')

--Fallen

Author's Response: Thank you for the review as I will definatly amend all the little tweaks you have pointed out to me as I tend to miss a lot of things even if I do re-read my chapaters so thank you for that. I will definatly consider getting a beta reader!

Also I'm glad you like the story and for somebody to say that it is unique has really made my day so thank you :)


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Review #8, by DracoFerret11 The Accident

19th June 2012:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you! :D So, let's go over things:

Grammar/Spelling: Well...I noticed a lot of places where you missed commas and apostrophes, honestly. It made it a little hard to understand things. I would suggest you find someone on the forums to beta-read for you. :] Betas are really helpful, and some people specialize in grammar. I'd try to find somebody like that.

Characterization: All right. So, I like your OC quite a bit. He's not too perfect, and he's believable. I like that you've created someone with such depth out of nowhere. That's good. And I like that I can tell that his injury will be devastating to him, even though I don't know too much about him. I like to imagine him as a kind of Oliver Wood-type character. So...you're doing well!

Descriptions: Okay, here's where I tend to harp on things a lot. As the chapter is right now, it's not bad at all. The way I try to remind authors to focus on details is this--to bring readers into a story, to really bring it to life, you need to tell them not only how things look, but how they sound/smell/feel/etc. It will help wonderfully. In a few places, you really did that, like when you mentioned the crowd roaring. But I'm not too sure what your OC looks like, nor how anyone else looks. And I can imagine a Quidditch pitch, but you didn't describe it for us. (Oh, and if the reporter was supposed to be Rita Skeeter, her hair is blonde. :] )

Emotions: All right...so I got some arrogance from Sebastian, but not much of anything else. I would have liked if you could have focused on his happiness of being part of the team, or how he still felt like it was all too good to be true. That could have given him more dimension.

Plot: Well! This is interesting, already! I like your title and your idea. I don't doubt that you can run with this and make it into a very interesting story. So far, you're doing wonderfully. I might have liked if the ending to the chapter was more dramatic, somehow. More emotional. But other than that, I thought this was great. One question about formatting: why is all of Sebastian's dialogue italicized? It disrupts the flow a little bit and seems a tad confusing.

Pacing: I think you really hit the nail on the head with pacing. This is a great opening chapter. It's interesting and holds just enough information to make readers want to know what happens next. Great job.

You're doing quite well! Keep up the good work!

--Emily

Author's Response: Thank you for the wonder review as I will certain take what you have said in account for when I come around to editing the chapater. I hadn't realised that you could get people to Beta read for you so thanks for letting me know about that. I will most certainly be more descriptive of Sebastian in my next chapater as I guess since I knew what was going to happen it kind slipped my mind.

Again thank you for the review it has really helped me a lot!


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Review #9, by Shortie The Accident

18th June 2012:
This is the first ever fanfic I've read that has such a descriptive game :) It's not easy either, to make someone picture a whole match as it happens. But you've done a great job there. The only mistake I saw was some spellings errors here and there but that happens when you type. :) Double check next time.

It's really good. You have a good start, with suspense and tension and all that makes a story addictive.

Good luck with the rest :)

Author's Response: Thank you for the review as it put a smile upon my face to know that I got the game play bit right as I was constatly referencing a Seastain character bio to make sure I didn't contradict anything I written it.

I'm glad that you like the story as ever since I made Sebastian I wanted to pan out his hisotry and this fanfic gave me that oppertunity. Again thanks for reviewing it means a lot to me.


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Review #10, by luciusobsessed The Accident

17th June 2012:
Your story is quite action packed and entertaining. I can tell that Sebastian is a very proud and passionate quidditch player.

There was just enough detail in your story to describe every feeling and movement. Great job on that.

While reading through, there were a few typos. My suggestion would be that you simply read through and correct the errors. They were probably just in the moment mistakes.

Let me know when your next chapter is up. I'll be looking forward to seeing what happens to Sebastian. :)

Author's Response: Oh I'm so glad you like it and your review just made me feel warm inside that I just kept reading it over and over again.

Yes somebody has pointed out the grammar for me so I will be correcting them shortly and I will most certainly let you know when chapater two is up and validated.

And thank you for reviewing my story :)


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Review #11, by Ron 4 Hermione The Accident

17th June 2012:
An interesting first chapter- Sebastian seems like a nice enough guy.
Ok, so a few improvements:
-center is spelt centre
-armored is spelt armoured
-signaled is spelt signalled
- where should be were in your second paragraph
Hope this helps and keep up the good writing- the plot seems interesting 8/10 :)

Author's Response: First of all YAY! First Review!

Right now that's out of the way,thank you for the review most helpful and I am greatful for the spell checks as my word doc spell checker and the one of HPFF seem to have a difference of opinion in spelling.

I'm glad that you liked the story and am thrilled to get such a high rating for my first ever fanfic chapater! This has definatly given my day a silver lining. Thanks Again!


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