Oh my gosh this was such an amusing read. I love that you have Lily in Ravenclaw and that Alice is the one to instigate the bad behavior. It's such a different set of characterizations!
This is also the first story I've read that has Lily and Alice in the same year! But it makes perfect sense. I don't see why they couldn't be, and it's really fun to see how far the Longbottoms and Potters have come together.
Your writing is very smooth and I think you do a great job of not making obvious dialogue tags. You are creative when doing them, making the story feel more realistic.
I also like that you've made Lily good at potions, I think it's very possible it could have been a family trait and passed down from the grandmother she never had the chance to know.
I love the creativity to this, everything is so fresh and enthusiastic that it made it so much fun to read!!
Great one shot, and congratulations on the honorable mention!!!
JamiAuthor's Response: Ah, hello there, my 80th reviewer! :) I can't believe you came and reviewed - you really shouldn't have, but I'm not complaining about it at all :p I think I ended up defying most of the Lily cliches in this story - being put in Ravenclaw, still cheeky but not as much as Alice and all that good stuff. I've seen various Alices, too, like you, and you're right, most of them are in Albus' year, but it's still really fun to write them.
Thanks a bunch for the review, Jami, and all those compliments! -squishes- This was so sweet, and a lovely 80th review for me :p See you around the forums, love!
Linn Report Review
Hahaha! I was laughing through the whole story! This is a great portrayal of Lily and Alice! It's always how I imagined Lily, clever and mischievous. I think it's great that you made Neville's daughter one of the biggest troublemakers in the school.
And their love potion was a splendid idea! It made me laugh so hard! Great story!Author's Response: Ohmygosh, thank you! This review was so sweet, and this Lily was always how I imagined her, too, and Alice is just amazing. If she was real, she'd definitely make an awesome friend :) I loved the love potion idea, too, and I'm really glad you liked this. Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Hey Linn! Sorry this took so long, I was on holiday and didn't want to write a three line, rushed review(;
First off, good job with incorporating the challenge! The quote you got was harder to work with than a lot of the others because it wasn't very specific, but you managed to pull it off brilliantly(:
This was also very interesting to read. The way you portrayed Lily was refreshing, because I'm so used to reading the fiery, off-the-handle, possibly psycho girl instead of the kind of careful, yet still daring character I read here. I quite liked it, and thought it was more realistic.
The last bit was hilarious. Though I do want to point out one thing: you didn't really specify that it was the Ministry workers who were swooning, and though I understood it, it could be potentially confusing.
One last tip: on the rare occasion, you'd include an action of one person's with the dialogue of another's in a way that was a bit confusing. For example,
"'C’mon, Soph, we’ve had enough ‘bonding time’ with my little sis and her friend.' Lily yelled after him.
'I’m not little!'"
You may want to think about revising it so that it can be clearer what Lily shouted. Maybe something like-
"'C’mon, Soph, we’ve had enough ‘bonding time’ with my little sis and her friend.'
Lily yelled after him, 'I’m not little!'"
Besides those two minor points, this was spot on(: It was entertaining, fit the challenge well, and there was plenty of dialogue, which I happen to enjoy quite a bit. By the way, I like the end note(;
Thanks for entering my challenge!
Live Life Large(:Author's Response: Hi, Rylan! Nah, it's okay, I really don't mind - the extra long review /definitely/ makes up for it :) You're too sweet - I knew that I wanted Ravenclaws and Lily Potter, and that was pretty much it, so I'm glad it turned out well.
I adored Lily in this one - same as you, I'm always used to her being fiery and sassy, so writing her as being a little more careful with what she did, and still getting into trouble (because it's the Potter way :p) was a nice change for me.
Did I not mention that? Darn. I'll have to go back and fix that - still, I'm glad you understood it. I /do/ have that habit, don't I? Even I've noticed it popping up a lot, so someday soon, I might go back and fix this.
You gave me such a lovely, long review, so thanks - and I really enjoyed writing this for your challenge :) See you around at the forums!
- Linn Report Review
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