Reading Reviews for His Darling Rosie
1 Reviews Found

Review #1, by broadwaykat His Daughter Forever

18th June 2012:
Okay, time to get on with important things, isn't it?

Let me just start off by saying you have a very solid, very enjoyable form of writing - and it was interesting to see this sort of story written in the way that supported the family aspect, while it still has emphasis on the father-daughter terms of the challenge. At the start, showing it with Hermione's sort-of interpretation of why Ron is acting this was was really interesting - it was still heavily father-daughter although it was, in fact, a mother-daughter talk.

You wrote in this story with a very elevated language - which worked really well when you were having conversations between Hermione and Rosie - and Rose talking the way she did, and using certain 'phrase', gave me a sense, when I was reading it, how she really would fit in with a future Malfoy heir. I havn't actually gotten around to reading a lot of second-generation fiction - mostly because I have interpretations of certain characters in my head that are usually shaken by certain pairings - but be proud in knowing that, probably for the first time ever - I actually wholeheartedly support a Weasley-Malfoy Union!

As far as your language-use goes, if I may nitpick, the only person it didn't seem to fit, was Ron. Not that I think Ron is by any means a slack-jawed yokel. Again, this probably is me just reading a more sensible Ron, perhaps. It wasn't that he wasn't enjoyable, either - I liked him, but it was a little strange as he seemed very...I almost want to call it Hermione-ish. They were on a more even footing than I've ever felt in a story. I suppose I'll just have to read more of this kind of Ron, though, and get used to it.

Grammatically, I noticed some of the same problems cropping up a couple of times. They weren't enough to take anyone out of the story, and they were mistakes we ALL make. I've probably made them a few times already in this review, and I've made them dozens of times in my own writing, but for the sake of pointing things out, it might help, so here goes:

Comma use - I'm sure some of them were just mistakes, but you might want to go back and check a few. For example, at one point, we have a sentence like this: 'He's terribly rude to, Scor, and he wouldn't even glance my way.' The comma after the to is unnecessary.

Secondly - word tenses. Sentences such as: 'Her heart tear into pieces as her baby cried in her arms because of her husband's childish behavior'. Tore would be a better substitute here, or 'was tearing' because it's happening instantaneously.

Lastly - Check some of your phrases. It doesn't interrupt the flow of the story too bad, but some of them can be a TAD choppy. Also, just looking at things like instead of: 'I'm dearly sorry to Scorpius and you'. It's usually better to say 'you and Scorpius' when someone (Hermione) is referencing the person she is talking to (Rose) and someone else. If it was ROSE talking, THEN you'd have it as 'Scorpius and I'.

Otherwise, I really enjoyed your descriptions, and seeing what the characters are thinking. Ron, looking back on Rosie having been a' little bundle of pinkish skin and wispy auburn hair' who is now a dazzling young woman really gets at the core of what the challenge was about, and what/how it feels for someone to be a father. Good show!

Author's Response: Hello!

I'm so glad you enjoy the story. I have to admit, I'm not used to writing Ron, because I'm so used to writing Hermione and Draco. But I think it worked somehow in my view that Ron had matured a lot, plus the fact that he's the dad now, playing big bad daddy and forcing to be the grown, and wise Daddy. So yeah. Thank you for pointing that out.

As to my grammar, thank you for pointing those out. Sometimes when I re-read and re-check my work, things still slip my eyes and mind. But I'm glad it wasn't too big. It'll be a bit of shame if it was, eh? LOL.

But anyway, I'll probably correct them when I can. And thank you for the review, and for the challenge, it's one of the most fun challenge to write. :)

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login