9 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Andie The Name Was Chosen

19th January 2013:
This is brilliant, absolutely amazing! Please update soon, I can't wait for more! :)

Author's Response: Thank you! It hasn't gotten much attention, so it feels lovely to here from a reader! I promise to keep things interesting!
Much love,

Chair.


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Review #2, by Courtney Dark The Mysterious Manx White

12th January 2013:
Hello there! It's Courtney, here for your requested review:)

You said that you were concerned your chapters were too short. When I first started reading this chapter my first thought was that you needed to add more imagery. However, as I continued reading, I felt as though you definitely eased into the chapter and the pace became a lot better as did the little details you included and the general feel of the chapter. However, I would still suggest going back and finding places were you could add extra descriptions. Not only does imagery lengthen a chapter, it also makes the story a lot more believable and helps the reader to imagine them self in the setting.

I think the weakest part of this chapter was library scene, where Lily and Hugo were playing chess. I felt as though this scene was a little disjointed, and perhaps some details here and there could really help fix that up.

I thought this bit: 'It drove Grandma Weasley and his mum mad that Uncle George sent that they called ‘contraband’ to the younger cousins, yet the packages still came every month and the school was never entirely free of Canary Creams and Portable Swamps' was very funny and completely appropriate-for me it described exactly how George would be as an adult, and I can totally imagine him supporting his nieces and nephews pranking endeavors!

I think that you have started to develop your main characters very nicely. Manx seems to be a very unusual and mysterious character and I am looking forward to finding out more about her. I also wonder what it will be (if anything) that draws she and Albus together. I also like your characterization of Albus so far-you seem to have portrayed him quite differently from the other Albus fanfictions I have read, which I love. And I really enjoyed reading these few lines:

“You just had to bring him into the conversation, didn’t you?” Al groaned. “And as a side note, whenever someone talks about smart people, they always say my name.”

“You’ve been stuck in the same essay for two weeks,” Hugo pointed out.

“Oi! Support me.”

Nice touch of humour to the chapter! In saying all that, I think James is my favourite character so far, even though we haven't seen a lot of him. I loved the way he greeted Al and the others with a simple cry of "Family!" I don't know why, but I found that very funny. You said that James was funny, amicable and a trouble-making extraordinaire. Based on these, traits, I feel as though you have aced his personality. Every single thing he says is just perfect. I think my favourite was: '“You people give our family a bad reputation. Who sleeps before midnight anyway?”'

There are just a few more things I would like to point out, and I apologize if this review is long and rambling. I thought the scene with the fat lady was a nice touch and the very last line was just perfect. It definitely made me curious to know what is going to happen in the next chapter. I noticed a few spelling and grammar errors here and there-such as 'Chest' should be 'Chess' and in the sentence 'and besides, you’re sister is about as helpful under pressure as a wounded dragon', 'you're' should be 'your.' However, I spotted nothing major enough to interrupt the flow of the story, which is always good.

Thanks for the great read-you did a really good job on this chapter!
Courtney:)

Author's Response: Hi Courtney!
Thank you for stopping by. I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter. Did you get a chance to read pass chapter one? I know the beginning is a little slow but I wanted to introduce the characters in a way that seems natural for their setting. What do students do during break? Procrastinate. What do they do after break? Cram in all their work into one night.
I'm super happy that you like James. For the most part, he's a funny guy and he is actually a wonderful brother. Sure he'll have some moments when he's not the nicest kid on the block but in a bind, Albus and the rest of his family are his first priority.
I'll try my hardest to catch the spelling mistakes the next time. Stop by the other chapters if you can. I would love to hear more from you.
Thanks!
Chair


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Review #3, by Gabriella Hunter The Mysterious Manx White

12th January 2013:
Hello!

Hey, its Gabbie here with your requested review and since we've never spoken before, its nice to meet you and all that! :)
So, I'm not really sure why you're so worried about this, I thought your flow and opening scene was really good. It wasn't overdone or dramatic, but created a much simpler scene that set up your characters really well. I like your depiction of Albus too, he's not shy or a failing student (Like mine, Hahahaha) and actually has alot of confidence. Really enjoyed the familial banter you created with Hugo and Lily, I thought that it showed alot of how they felt about one another. They were really close and you didn't need to put in that much detail to show it, since their dialogue did most of the work. :D
I'm really curious about your OC. First, her name, where and what does Manx come from? I've never heard it before. She seems like a pretty mysterious character though, I'm wondering just what she's up to, if anything and I liked that Albus wasn't really that interested. Well, he was curious, I suppose but not foaming at the mouth like some authors would have had him being with a pretty/unique OC.
So, bravo for that!
The only thing I can tell you about this is that you might want to lessen the spaces in between your sentences and check over some little gramma problems. Other than that, I liked it! I'm curious to see what else you'll do with this and I hope you re-request and if you don't, I'll pop by on my own when I have time. :3
Thanks for the read!
Much love,
Gabbie

Author's Response: Thanks Gabbie! I'm glad you enjoyed the first chapter. Have you had the opportunity to read the rest? The thing about Albus is that I imagine his parents had nurtured a person who is pretty confident in himself but who doesn't have any interest in hogging the spotlight. In a family as big as his, there is always some one to take him down a peg or two but to also make him feel special. In all, he's a secure character. As for Manx, that's not her real name. She's adopted it as her nickname because she likes cats. That simple. As a person, she's the kind of girl who everyone notices. EVERYONE. But it's a passing notice. She's the girl at the coffee shop or down the hall everyone has seen before but they aren't overly curious because she looks so normal. And to be completely honest, she's not very warm and cuddly. I've been trying to fix the spacing problem, but I always get an error message. Hopefully I'll figure it out by chapter six or this might start getting embarrassing.
Thank you for stopping by!
-Chair


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Review #4, by Moonyxluna Rose Weasley's Quiet Time

12th July 2012:
Hey! I'm here with your requested review :) I'm sorry this took me a bit longer than normal; real life! (in accordance with your request, I did have a fantastic fourth of July! Although I got very sunburnt!)

Alright, let's look at characterization first. I really did like Rose here, and I liked all of the details you worked in about the busyness off the castle and how, amidst the bustle, it was more relaxing not being around her family. Even though she has that intelligent characterization that is familiar, she seems like she's really striving to be her own person and not just get lost in the Weasley family. And then we had Manx. She was good here! I got more of an idea for her so I'm glad you are developing her in her friendships :) The only thing I can think with her is to make sure and give her a few flaws. Right now I get that she's smart and she seems to get along with everyone, but it'll add some realness and depth to her personality if you give her some flaws and make her really relatable. Oh! and then Scorpius. He was only there for a few lines but his appearance makes me curious as to what part he will play, so I'm looking forward to seeing more of that too.

I mentioned the details in the beginning about Rose's inner thoughts and I did love those, so keep things like that up! I also liked how Rose was thinking about that she and Manx should be 'rivals' but that they enjoyed each others presence. I am interested to see if that friendship develops into more or less as the time goes by between them.

Everything flowed well throughout, and I think you're pacing this well, but I think you should make your chapters longer! You know, really give the reader a chance to get into the minds of your characters and develop the story line without it ending too quickly. Just something to think about :)

I loved Medusa! I thought that was hilarious and really neat how you incorporated a botched spell and kept it as the class pet :P

I hope this was helpful! Feel free to re-request when you get the next chapter posted! I am really enjoying this so far and I hope to see more from you soon!

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Review #5, by - Rose Weasley's Quiet Time

17th June 2012:
I really like it! You write very well. This is differnt, somehow unique. It has a magical touch, I like that. The hedgehog, that's priceless. The characters and how you write them -great.

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I hope you keep enjoying the story.

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Review #6, by Moonyxluna The Mysterious Manx White

12th June 2012:
Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)

First off I really like your summary of this story! It was just enough information to really bring an interest to me and make me want to read this story. I just wanted to point out though that you should give it a really quick read-through-- read it out loud to yourself and move some of the commas around as some of the pauses where you have them are un-necessary. It sounds sort of silly, but if you say the words out loud to yourself it really helps to find where the natural pauses should occur. I didn't notice this as I read through the chapter, though, so just take another look at your summary- to me, if there's anything you want absolutely perfect it's that first bit of information about your story, so take a look at that :)

Okay, onto the story! This is just- again- personal opinion, but the indents of the paragraphs are distracting. Since you are writing on a web-page and you have the spaces between the paragraphs anyway, the indents really don't need to be there.

quill as he watched his cousin and sister pondering over the same chest move for nearly thirty minutes. --'chest' should be 'chess' ; I noticed this a few times.

I thought the banter between James and Albus was very entertaining and original. Usually I read James the prankster picking on bookworm Albus, so it was neat the way you expanded on their characters to the point that Albus had to ask James for help with his homework. You mentioned James' potential: I don't know what your plans are for him in the future but I think you should go with expanding on him as a 'comic relief' character- he made me laugh the most through this chapter and was fun to read about. I liked Lily and Hugo as well- I would like to see more of them as their individual personalities expand, but I thought it was sweet at the end how she was affectionate towards her brothers when no one was around.

And Manx! I really liked how you introduced her. With her-- depending on what classes she is in with Albus-- work on the showing vs. telling. I understand that she's as smart as Hermione and Rose, but make sure that plays through as they go to classes- instead of saying 'she's smart, intelligent, etc." show how she's raising her hand in every class and correcting people. Things like that, if that makes sense? :)

I really liked how this was sort of a 'normal' chapter. From the sounds of the summary it seems like this is going to be very action filled. It was a neat way to set up the story by showing how mundane Albus' life has started out, eventually morphing into the plot-line you have set up with summary.

You mentioned in your request that sometimes you are in a rush and miss things; I didn't notice anything prominent here, but what I would suggest is to take your time. It's more important to publish something of quality that you are proud of, so keep that in mind. If something has to take an extra day to publish because you want to do an extra read-through, your readers will appreciate the wait when everything reads easier. I fell into the 'get the most chapters published as quickly as possible' idea when I first started writing on here, so I'm just letting you know from experience :)

I really enjoyed the start of your story, so please feel free to re-request when you get the next chapter posted! I hope this review was helpful :)

Author's Response: Hi Moonyxluna! Thank you so much for your review. All valid points and I can't wait to share more of this story with you. I've already went back and changed three chapters because I was so pumped to really show how similar and different Albus is from Harry. Harry was a little boy when his adventure started and he was gung-ho about proving himself. Albus is sixteen, he's heard the stories and he knows that there's sacrifices to be made. He's a lot more cautious although he's got a killer curious streak.
I'll go back and fix that story summary. I didn't realize how hard it would be to actually write one. And I still have to figure out how to make the indentations disappear! But as soon as I can, I'll submit another request. Thank you so much!


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Review #7, by StarWarsHarryPotterfangirl1996 The Mysterious Manx White

11th June 2012:
Hey! This is really good so far! I will definitely be monitering this one for updates. Thanks so much for telling me about it!

Author's Response: I hope it lives up to expectations!

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Review #8, by Icyfirelove3 The Mysterious Manx White

11th June 2012:
This is so good! I love the beginning with the snow, it really sets the mood. The bantering is funny and is just how a family's would be, amazing job!
Can't wait to see how this plays out(:

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Review #9, by Icyfirelove3 The Mysterious Manx White

11th June 2012:
This is so good! I love the beginning with the snow, it really sets the mood. The bantering is funny and is just how a family's would be, amazing job!
Can't wait to see how this plays out(:

Author's Response: I love you!

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